RavenClaw779

Monday, as I sat in pre-op waiting for the surgeon, I see a sign which states this particular facility has a goal of providing, "Very good care" - not "Outstanding", not "Excellent", just very good.
 
I don't know that I would even state that their care is "very good".
 
As usual, everyone on the medical team was running late. Unlike other facilities, their pre-op has no privacy so I got a good dose of people watching. Let's bring six or seven people with us, all talking loudly, with kids running every where poking their heads into other patient's waiting areas. Here's a hint to the extended family of the 300 lb + guy being prepped for gastric bypass...trotting in with a large box of doughnuts and an obese toddler in cordoroy pants so tight you could hear them rubbing together, does not signal future success for the patient!
 
After several attempts to get the i.v. line in, finally and painfully it's jammed in my hand. In comes my surgeon who I haven't seen since the last surgery in July. He calls me by another patient's name and asks if I followed all the prep instructions for my bypass surgery!?
I laugh it off and remind him of who I am and what we're doing - "...Oh yeah - my mistake - just have so many of you all today...".
 
Surgery went well, but as to be expected, as this is the second time opening the same incisions in under six months, the swelling, bruising and pain is much more severe than last time. As I'm getting dressed to go home I see bright red blood all over my clothes - yes, I'm bleeding from all six steri-stripped incisions. As they bandage me up they're telling me that this is "normal".
Thankfully the discharge instructions were a bit more complete than last time, unfortunately though, the script for the pain meds was written incorrectly. The error was caught when my husband dropped the scripts off at the pharmacy, but since the pharmacy was unable to reach the surgeon or his PA until the next day, I got to go almost 24 hours with nothing but OTC ibuprophan and ice packs.
 
It's been four days since surgery and no one from the practice has called to follow up or see how I'm doing. I did get an email telling me my follow up appointment has been moved to Christmas Eve - fabulous!
 
Par for the course, I'm not hungry and have pretty much just had coffee, water, broth and a few crackers and yet have managed to gain four pounds! Way to go Jill - in no time I'll be back to where I was before - the biggest gal in the room who eats less than everyone else!

...With the Band!
 
If I had to write a letter to my soon to be "ex" I'd have to say,"Baby, it's been a long and expensive three years and while the 34 pounds I lost since the day we got together is progress to a better, healthier me, the price has been a bit steep.
 
Each of those pounds cost about $2200 - thank God for insurance or you'd have bankrupted me!
 
The vomiting, the socially inappropriate talking stomach yelling, "Nnnow...ow.ow..." in meetings, the hair loss and breaking nails, the three bites and bolt for the bathroom aerobics, making sure not to bend over least lunch leap out of my mouth, the double band aka my bra, the conveniently locate port-o-pain just so situated so as to be like the toe you just keep stubbing...on the door to the dryer, the edge of the cart at the grocery store and don't even mention how it appears to be a magnet for the small child or pet climbing into your lap.
 
Ah yes - thanks for the memories, but I've got to end this relationship as it's cramping what little style I have left!
 
Lunch interview for a job - forget it! Ditto for lunch with the girls or a family dinner. What with everyone watching to see if my trip to the bathroon is to pee or to puke?! It's become the only thing some family members talk about. How can Jill still be so big - she doesn't eat anything!
 
I will give you this - you have definitely changed my relationship with food. Having puked up so many different foods, there are things that just the smell of now makes me nauseous. Last night's two bites of tuna noodle casserole crossed another off the lengthy list.
 
Sure - I'm afraid I'm going to pack it all back on, but perhaps the memory of this bad relationship will help keep me focused.
 
I got the big song & dance from your pal, the weight loss surgeon, who told me how great you were and all you could do for me. Now even he's telling me you're bad news. Of course that's not stopping him from trying to hook me up with either of his other friends - Mr. Roux-N-Y or Mr. G. Sleeve.
 
For now though, I think I'm going to hanging with a plain jane kind of pal - Ms. W. Watchers and see how things go!

That's the only word I could come up with describe what I felt when I saw the photo my husband took of me at a charity event the other night. Here I am, sixty pounds smaller than I was at my highest weight. I straighted my naturally curly, unruly hair and was wearing an outfit I thought looked nice and certainly fit a lot looser than the last time I wore it. Since I was the chairman of this event, I really made an effort to look good.
 
OMG! I looked enormous - I'm only a 38B but I looked like a line backer with a giant jelly roll. Can your head also get fat? I know your face can, but damn if I didn't look like my head was a large melon wearing a flat blonde wig. All the hassles and hurling of the past three years you'd think I'd at least have looked better than I did 60 pounds ago, but no - I look exactly the same!
 
In for my pre-admission testing on Friday and the nurse said to me, "So the band didn't work for you?" . I've gotten so tired of explaining what I've gone through I just let her roll on with a lecture of how people really need to deal with the root cause of their eating issues.
Yeah - tell me about it Twiggy!
Laughably, now that I'm really eating next to nothing - let's put it this way, even yogurt can be tough to get down - you'd think the pounds would just be falling off especially after a day of creating my extensive outdoor Christmas light display and hauling boxes up from the basement and down from the attic. Nope - no change.
 
I'll be interested to see if when(if?) I can eat more normally, whether I'm going to balloon up or whether having had such a negative relationship with food for so long, if I'll lose or just hang out at this same weight forever.
 
One thing for sure - No more photos!!

Back to the WLS for the next installment of Jill's endless problems with the band.
 
My appointment was scheduled for 1:00pm and it's about an hour drive. As usual, but for coffee, there isn't any thing I'm going to get down before 10:00am at the earliest. So I planned to just skip eating as it takes me 40+ minutes to work down a Yoplait and some oatmeal.
Around 11:00am my husband asked me if I'd make him a sandwich. While making said sandwich I ate one single slice of deli ham and was immediately blocked. Didn't feel like I was going to throw up, it was just 'there'...until I got in the car.
About half way to the doctor's office I started sliming and feeling like maybe I should pull over but I made it, checked in, went to the restroom and got sick. All it produced was a tiny piece of ham. Still felt blocked an hour later leaving the doctor's office and ended up throwing up over and over in my car on I-87. Thank God I have a plastic waste basket in my car. Now that's ironic considering I'd made it for a whole week without an episode and once again convinced myself it must just be in my head!
 
What did the WLS have to say? It's gotta come out. While it's comforting to know the band failed me and not the other way around, having my WLS announce that I need to start planning my revision surgery pronto because he "knows" most patients who have their band removed, "blow up" just adds to the anxiety. So much for the band allowing me to finally stop focusing on food, my weight etc.
Let's stir in the fact that I've got to try to find the time before the end of the year it get this done for fear that with the onslaught of Obama-Care I won't have coverage.
 
It funny how I didn't really notice what poor nutrition does as prior to the attempted repair surgery the problems had slowly built up. I'm a pretty busy person and had just chalked up being tired to my schedule, menopause etc.
In the month where I was able to eat more normally and a wider range of foods, I had more energy, got more done and didn't need to nap everyday just to get up the energy to finish chores. Not to sound vain, but I had people telling me how well I looked - which I found to be odd - just how bad was I looking!?! My hair was glossy again and my nails grew.
 
Since the return of the problems my hairbrush looks like a small kitten and my nails are breaking and splitting and once again I'm hearing, "You look tired". And so I am - nap time for Jill!

When the swelling finally went down - about the third week in July - I was finally able to eat normally. Didn't go crazy, but was able to eat all those things that had become impossible due to "Jill's Rules"(see prior blog entries for details). I ate salad, had a steak, had pizza- had everything I wasn't able to eat for over a year. Actually got to go out to lunch with my girlfriends! Continued tracking my WW points and was feeling great...until the end of August.
 
Invited to dinner at a friend's house - yet another experience I'd largely had to either pass on or do my fake-out food shuffle around the plate routine. The roast was a bit tough, but with no fill, drinking with meal, I was able to get it down. That was until the drive home, where I started gagging, sliming and couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough for a prolonged period of vomiting.
 
It's been down hill since then. Pretty much any solid food creates the pain across the lower jaw and shoulders. Every episode results in an upper abdomen swelling that looks like I'm pregnant. Back to not being able to eat while wearing a bra. Back to the protein shakes, yogurt, cottage cheese...zzzz. Maybe if they made savory yogurts instead of just sweets - LOL
 
Next appointment isn't until October ("soonest available") - not that there's anything that can be done. There's no fill in the band. Dreading what I know my WLS is going to want to do...more pricey tests and re-tests that I can't afford.
 
I was warned that this might not resolve the problem and that in the future I'd likely need to have it removed. Just don't know if my insurance would cover it or if I could even swing another $500 co-pay, time off from work, surgery/recovery. Guess I'm just happy to have the memory of that one month.

Last night as we sat down to dinner - me with my half cup of mashed potatoes and fat free refried beans and my husband enjoying the salad, grilled squash, baked potato and burgers made, of course, by me, I proceeded to have a pity party. I mentioned to my husband how crazy it is that three years and roughly $50,000 later( Thank God for insurance!) and I'm only 33 pounds lighter than I was on the day of my surgery. On I ranted about the past year of puking, eating less than 1,000 calories a day, of tracking my WW points and almost never eating my daily allowance...
 
His response - "You need to exercise more!"
 
Yes - that's the magic bullet...except that in six months of working out at the "Y" with 30-45 minutes of cardio I lost nothing despite restricting my intake. I haven't been working out much as the problems increased - frankly, on the little I was getting down, I needed a nap just to power through my day. Since I wasn't busting it at the gym, you'd think I'd be packing it on, but no, neither gained nor lost.
 
Don't ya love it when someone who never had a weight problem and can eat whatever lectures you on what you should do?
Like the waif nutritionist teaching a recent cancer survivors class I took....all of 23 and just out of school, she advised us all to, "Eat more fiber!", "Exercise More!"
 
What set this off? I know I weigh less - my clothes tell me that, but catching a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and I'm the same tug boat I was at 283 - same puffy toad belly, same cankles. Seems that 65 pound lost should look like something!
 
Looking for the positive - I have less food related guilt. I no longer eat pizza. I don't buy snacks, candy, ice cream. I don't indulge in "binge" behaviors any more, so I don't have the weight of being "bad" on my shoulders. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to accept that I did this to myself and will wear this fat mantle until the day I die. Couple this with my mastectomy scarred chest and it's a wonder I ever leave the house!

In the lead up to my surgery, my surgeon was 99% sure the band was going to have to come out, but agreed to get approval from my insurance carrier that if when he got in there, it appeared the band or the problem could be remedied without removal, that he'd fix the problem and leave the band in. Again, my fear of packing the weight back on overriding the numerous problems I've had with the band.
 
Nevertheless, I came out of surgery feeling relieved that the band was out and finally I'd have no more painful or embarassing food adventures. I was surprised at my disappointment of finding out the band was still in and the protruding, lopsided, scarred port area even bigger than ever. The surgeon repaired a hiatel hernia - just like when I had the band placed three years ago.
 
It's been three days and I can barely swallow the pain meds. Liquids are still going down with the old 'stop and drop' feeling. Not hungry but how laughable - still haven't lost a pound even after four days on nothing but clear liquid.
Here we go again.

Still smarting from the verbal slap from my surgeon and PA.
"Why didn't you come in sooner if it was that bad?" has been an earworm in my brain and I've been beating myself up...maybe I've not tried hard enough...maybe it's all in my head...
 
Like a lot of women I put myself last before all my other "gotta do" responsibilities.
 
Since even with the daily hurl, my weight pretty much stayed the same from July '12 until December '12 and other than annoyance of being sick, not being able to eat in public etc., I was otherwise healthy I dragged my heels on going to the doctor. Face it - after 2011's trip down breast cancer lane, I'd had enough doctors appointments. Going to my WLS cattle market with it's deli counter vibe - "Number 86", "Number 87"...was not something to look forward to.
 
So I had to laugh when I got home yesterday to find a message on my voice mail advising me that my WLS,"Wasn't going to be in on X date and we've rescheduled your appointment to X...". Three weeks from now. So I guess it's okay for the Doctor to have other commitments arise but not for thePatient.
 
In hindsight, yeah - it is "that bad". My weight is creeping up which only half surprises me. The list of what I can't eat gets longer and longer, but we all know the slider foods work especially when you're starving, on a short deadline...
 
Yesterday was what I like to call "classic"...
 
Even my thyroid medicine which I take first thing in the morning gives me the 'stop & drop' feeling. End up throwing up six times during the course of the day on food previously "safe". Often have a delay of 30 minutes or more following eating before getting sick which can be triggered by sitting down, or bending over. Often feels like it's not only food in the pouch, but food in my stomach coming back up.
I so love having to not only make sure I'm still in my pj's to eat(bra and anything fitted on my waist and nothing's going down) but also having to wait to jump in the shower. Gee - if it's a day when I need to shave my legs, gotta make sure breakfast stays down as just bending over to shave could be lethal.
 
Ah yes, totally normal and likely all my fault - she said, sarcastically!

Coming up on three years since I was banded. The eight months post surgery was understably the adjustment prior. The following year a wash due to cancer surgery and treatment. Things had actually started to move in the right direction until July '12 when the problems started. I'm 22 pounds lower than the day of surgery - given all the expenses involved, that's about $1,500 a pound.
To whit, I am 50+ pounds lower than my highest weight, but as a size 18w ain't no one going to call me "slim" - and I'm still a Type II diabetic.
 
The problems, which have been bothering me since July - please, if you're having any issues, go to your WLS ASAP - continue regardless of the medications. I have my follow up to the endoscopy this week.
 
Yesterday was classic. Out late the night before, so I slept in 'til about 10am(for me a real treat). Got up and had coffee. Not hungry, so I was working around the house i.e., on my feet on on the go. Around 2:30pm I felt hungry, so I made myself a piece of toast with Smart Balance. According to my WLS, I should be able to eat this... Nibbled it down and then it came back up or the course of six trips to the bathroom. Waited a bit and settle my stomach with some tea.
 
Around 7pm, I managed yogurt with no problems. Several hours later I was hungry again, so I scrambled 1/4 egg sub and cooked 1/4 oatmeal. The eggs I ate standing - no problem. Took my oatmeal downstairs to eat while watching TV. Got it down no problem. Watched an episode of a fav show on my DVR - fast forwarding through commercials, so sitting for about 45 minutes. Went back upstairs to go to bed. Felt blocked and stuffed, but thought it was all in my head. Took my bedtime meds and just made it to the bathroom for another three episodes of vomiting.
 
I'd hoped that having this procedure would mean that I could finally stop thinking about food all the time. Instead I'm thinking about it even more. What I can and can't eat. How I can avoid eating in social situations. How I can pretend eat so I can fake my way through family dinners. Knowing what I should eat, should be able to eat but choosing the slider route to be safe. God how I envy those with no food issues!

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious...
*Reflux is back
*Vomiting
*Still can't eat with a bra on
*Still takes an hour to get a meal down
*Still have to more or less stand to eat
 
...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious...
*Reflux is back
*Vomiting
*Still can't eat with a bra on
*Still takes an hour to get a meal down
*Still have to more or less stand to eat
 
...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious...
*Reflux is back
*Vomiting
*Still can't eat with a bra on
*Still takes an hour to get a meal down
*Still have to more or less stand to eat
 
...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!

Had my quarterly follow up with my oncologist on Thursday and mentioned the 'Jill's Rules' as applies to eating. He urged me to go see my WLS and I did on Friday. I was ashamed that I'd gotten down to 216 and have been now hovering at 223 - 227 since July and have been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. When I laid this all out to my WLS, he assured me that it wasn't me, it was the band and told me I should've come in when this first started. He took all the fluid out of the band(4cc) and I'm to follow up with him on Monday. He's concerned that my stomach has mushroomed over the band and that due to the amount of time I waited before coming in, I may have scar tissue which would mean additional surgery. So far so good though - was able to eat an english muffin and a scrambled egg for breakfast yesterday in 20 minutes and actually got to go out to dinner with my husband, eat while sitting down and wearing a bra without having to run to the bathroom in agony. It felt so good to feel normal I almost cried!

Had my quarterly follow up with my oncologist on Thursday and mentioned the 'Jill's Rules' as applies to eating. He urged me to go see my WLS and I did on Friday. I was ashamed that I'd gotten down to 216 and have been now hovering at 223 - 227 since July and have been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. When I laid this all out to my WLS, he assured me that it wasn't me, it was the band and told me I should've come in when this first started. He took all the fluid out of the band(4cc) and I'm to follow up with him on Monday. He's concerned that my stomach has mushroomed over the band and that due to the amount of time I waited before coming in, I may have scar tissue which would mean additional surgery. So far so good though - was able to eat an english muffin and a scrambled egg for breakfast yesterday in 20 minutes and actually got to go out to dinner with my husband, eat while sitting down and wearing a bra without having to run to the bathroom in agony. It felt so good to feel normal I almost cried!

My weight is fluxuating between 216 and 222 - feels like I'm circling the drain so to speak. Plugging along with Weight Watchers and working out but having a hard time getting my weight to stablize. Considered going in for a fill, but it seems like I'm stuck at least once a day and vomitting at least once a week. Wish I could say it's consistantly due to the same food violations(pizza, bagels, bread - you know, the "No-No's") but it happened the other morning with my scrambled eggs(couldn't even get them down - my dog loved it though) and I had a fun two hour bout in the bathroom the other night over one stalk of steamed asparagus and less than an ounce of grilled chicken. I can actually eat a slice of thin crust pizza with no problem. Don't really eat bread anymore and forget bagels - but when three mini pretzels cause a problem it gets frustrating. Sometimes I'm afraid to go out to eat for fear that I going to have an incident. Frankly, there are many days when I make my breakfast or lunch and it takes 45 minutes to get it down! Oh well - I keep reminding myself that my weight gain was my own damn fault and now I'm paying the price.
 
Speaking of prices paid - with the weight loss has come the giant jelly roll which fortunately with the right spanx-type garment I can mostly conceal, but I gotta wonder how much this thing weighs? Oh so much fun to have to buy pants etc to accomedate the "roll' then have to have the waist taken in!
 
Came home from the gym the other day and notice this sweaty(wet?) semi-circle on the lower abdomen of my yoga pants. Probably TMI, but I'm now getting a permenant red rash and tissue breakdown under the "roll". I'm using baby butt cream and powder in an attempt to keep it dry, but if it's this bad now, what'll it be when(if) I get to my goal weight ...another 75 pounds from now?! Maybe I should just pack the area with paper towel, throw on my gridle and live with it!
 
Amusingly enough, my insurance will cover the surgery since I had WLS - but if I just lost the weight on my own it wouldn't!?!
The plastic surgeons I met with re; my breast reconstruction also consulted on my "tummy tuck" - they suggest that I need to be at or near my goal weight before even considering the latter procedure. Course with a roll this big, maybe they could just pull it up and create some faux boobs!