jp1028

I am addicted to food.  I think about it constantly and it totally ruled my life.  It was my form of entertainment and my comfort.  My addiction allowed my weight to rise to over 300 pounds.  I am married and have 2 children, and my husband didn't seem to mind my weight, but I was tired of having to go to specialty stores to buy clothes, and tired of feeling self-conscious around "skinny" women.  I have tried other diets, but I always binge on junk food after a few weeks of depriving myself.  Plus, my cravings were almost unbearable on these diets.  It seemed like all I ever wanted to do was eat.   When I heard about the Lap-Band surgery I thought, "maybe my cravings won't be so bad if I constantly feel full." I had thought about having Lap-Band surgery for years but did not have the insurance to pay for it.  In 2008, I discovered that my company insurance would cover the procedure.  I started to seriously entertain thoughts about the surgery.  Then, I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child.  Fast forward one year, and I was ready to begin the Lap-Band journey.  I attended a seminar and made my first office appointment that night.  I hated sitting in the seminar with all the other heavy people in the super-sized chairs.  I was so embarrassed.  Was I really one of them?  How did it come to this?My insurance had a 3 month waiting period so, in that time, I had all the tests done and the psychological visits, etc.  I honestly had no idea how much prep-work was involved with the surgery.  Several times a I considered quitting the entire thing.  I thought "why are you putting yourself through all of this?  Why can't you just lose weight the 'normal' way?"  In spite of my negative thoughts, I continued on my journey.  I experienced a couple of months of insurance delays until finally, in January 2010, I got the call that we could schedule my surgery.  It was scheduled for February 1.  I was put on my 2-week pre-op liquid diet.  The nurse told me that if my liver was too fatty the doctor would close me right up and not do the surgery.  Even that didn't deter me from cheating on the diet and eating a hamburger here and some nachos there.  I let my cravings get the best of me, again.  I kept thinking "Oh, I just have to have 'that' one more time."  I was terrified on the day of surgery that the surgeon wouldn't do the surgery once he looked at my liver.  Fortunately, the surgery went well and I am officially banded.I am now 5 days post-op and feeling more like my old-self.  I am starting to mourn my old friend, junk-food.  I have realized that there are foods I can never eat again, and that saddens me.  I am jealous of other people who can eat whatever they want.  The fact that there are reminders of the foods that I can no longer eat all around me is not helping, either.  I am excited about the weight-loss ahead, but I am still struggling with my addiction.  I will be starting counseling soon to help me with these issues.  In the meantime, I am learning about what I can and can't eat and gearing up for the journey ahead of me.  I am scared that I won't be able to make the right food choices and will spend half my-life choking and vomiting.  I often wonder, "have I made a mistake?"  Time will tell if this was the right decision for me.