NW Island Girl

My Kaiser experience is a little different. I was banded in Mexico in Dec. 2006 while I was living in the Pacific Northwest. My initial fill management was done by a nurse practitioner in the area who was affiliated with the surgeon. In June 2007 I moved to the SF Bay Area and sought out a surgeon to do fill management for me. I found a GREAT surgeon -- Dr. Husted -- who went into private practice about the time I got Kaiser insurance at my job, so I sought fill management from Kaiser and to my surprise they were willing to see me (not many US docs are keen on Mexico patients). By the time I saw the doc I was 14 months post-op and had lost about 40 lbs, but was beginning to regain, and I had never had a satisfactory fill (that lasted more than 10-12 days). I questioned whether my band was leaking. The doc's treatment plan was to have me keep a food diary and talk to the dietician. It's all in my head, he said. What I probably needed was education and portion control Really. If that worked, Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers would have been the answer 20 years ago. At a followup appointment, I had my obligatory counselling session with a young woman who clearly has never had a weight problem in her life, and who told me it's all in my head. I just need to practice portion control. The doc told me that 20% of all band surgeries fail and clearly viewed me as a "failure" on a number of levels. He did seem appropriately concerned however when he checked my fill level after adding a small amount and didn't get the same amount back. Gee, maybe there is a leak. I should also mention that this surgeon -- Dr. Im -- has the WORST technique for accessing my band which left me so physically exhausted after that appointment that I literally fell into bed and couldn't get up for 14 hours (and it takes a LOT to take the wind out of my sails). I remember thinking this must be what I felt like post-op except that they give you pain meds to mask the discomfort. So I have been reluctant to pursue another followup with this surgeon. Has anyone else had a better experience with another surgeon at Richmond? At this point I'd almost rather pay the $350/visit for my non-Kaiser doc.

22 December 2006 I'm on Day 10 of the two-week pre-op liquid diet and doing well. The past three weeks have been hectic with concerts and commitments and wrapping up year-end things at the store, plus wild weather. The weight loss through this has been easy, in part because of my grief over the sudden death of my oldest car on Dec. 3. And this past week I have been doctoring cat #3 who has developed liver issues. I was sure I would take her with me back to California, and after three days of vet visits it appears again that I will. She's bouncing back slowly. Looking after her helps to keep my mind off my own stuff. I am looking forward to a productive weekend at home, cleaning up old stuff, packing for the trip to Puerta Vallarta, and looking forward to a new me in the New Year. I have made all my travel arrangements, including giving pre-authorization for the credit card charge for the surgery payment, and lining up my birth certificate and other travel docs. Ginny (who is traveling with me) has been a great cheerleader along the way, and I'm looking forward to a little dedicated girl time with her. We both so need a break from the Theatre! My only anxiety about the trip is leaving Sylvia and Salem with once-a-day cat care for a week. I'm already looking forward to coming home to them again. :youcandothis:

22 December 2006 I'm on Day 10 of the two-week pre-op liquid diet and doing well. The past three weeks have been hectic with concerts and commitments and wrapping up year-end things at the store, plus wild weather. The weight loss through this has been easy, in part because of my grief over the sudden death of my oldest car on Dec. 3. And this past week I have been doctoring cat #3 who has developed liver issues. I was sure I would take her with me back to California, and after three days of vet visits it appears again that I will. She's bouncing back slowly. Looking after her helps to keep my mind off my own stuff. I am looking forward to a productive weekend at home, cleaning up old stuff, packing for the trip to Puerta Vallarta, and looking forward to a new me in the New Year. I have made all my travel arrangements, including giving pre-authorization for the credit card charge for the surgery payment, and lining up my birth certificate and other travel docs. Ginny (who is traveling with me) has been a great cheerleader along the way, and I'm looking forward to a little dedicated girl time with her. We both so need a break from the Theatre! My only anxiety about the trip is leaving Sylvia and Salem with once-a-day cat care for a week. I'm already looking forward to coming home to them again.

20 October 2006 Passed the 10-week pre-surgery mark this week and am getting restless. I wish I didnt' have to wait so long to get the band. I want to get going!! But as a self-pay, the only way to do it is to go to Mexico, and the only way to get it done in Mexico requires being away mid-week, and I just can't skip any mid-week rehearsals for Singers or church choir until after Christmas. So I'm waiting. The growing number (at least five, maybe more) of Island Bandits (or soon-to-be) are working toward organizing a support group. Booklady has initiated a get together on Sun. afternoon, Nov. 12. It will be good to spend an hour with people going through or having had the same experience. I need that for encouragement while it WAIT. I am trying to incorporate various Bandit routines now, to make the transition smoother, such as drinking small amounts of water every 15 minutes. I bought a little timer last weekend to help me, and about every other day I manage to remember to start it, and remember to keep restarting it for about half a day. I still have almost 10 weeks to get this simple lifestyle thing down, and as Booklady pointed out, nothing bad happens if you don't stick to the schedule rugorously. She looks wonderful. Has been banded since late July with one fill, and has lost 40 pounds. If I emulate her success, I can be under 200 pounds by the time of the Singers' spring concert. That will mean a lot to me. There are lots of clothes in my closet that I'm looking forward to wearing again that won't fit until I get donw under 200 pounds.

20 October 2006 Passed the 10-week pre-surgery mark this week and am getting restless. I wish I didnt' have to wait so long to get the band. I want to get going!! But as a self-pay, the only way to do it is to go to Mexico, and the only way to get it done in Mexico requires being away mid-week, and I just can't skip any mid-week rehearsals for Singers or church choir until after Christmas. So I'm waiting. The growing number (at least five, maybe more) of Island Bandits (or soon-to-be) are working toward organizing a support group. Booklady has initiated a get together on Sun. afternoon, Nov. 12. It will be good to spend an hour with people going through or having had the same experience. I need that for encouragement while it WAIT. I am trying to incorporate various Bandit routines now, to make the transition smoother, such as drinking small amounts of water every 15 minutes. I bought a little timer last weekend to help me, and about every other day I manage to remember to start it, and remember to keep restarting it for about half a day. I still have almost 10 weeks to get this simple lifestyle thing down, and as Booklady pointed out, nothing bad happens if you don't stick to the schedule rugorously. She looks wonderful. Has been banded since late July with one fill, and has lost 40 pounds. If I emulate her success, I can be under 200 pounds by the time of the Singers' spring concert. That will mean a lot to me. There are lots of clothes in my closet that I'm looking forward to wearing again that won't fit until I get donw under 200 pounds.

I've found two very useful books on Amazon.com. 1) Lapraroscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding: Achieving Permanent Weight Loss with Minimally Invasive Surgery by Jessie H. Ahroni. This is a good basic information book about how the surgery works, as well as what to expect every step of the way, and useful nutritional guidelines for early post-op as well as the lifetime commitment. Ahroni is a banded patient herself, so she knows what she's talking about. She also is a nurse practitioner, so the scientific foundation is there as well. 2) Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery: recipes to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years after Surgery by Patt Levine and Michele Bontempo-Saray. is a cookbook designed for all weight-loss surgery patients, and includes tips for how to modify the recipes for various stages (liquid-soft-solid), as well as modifications for lap bandits versus bypass patients.

6 October 2006 I have discovered another Island Bandit, who also is a Theatre patron. He's been banded four about four months and has lost 50 pounds with no problems at all, which is encouraging since I believe he has had a number of health challenges prior to surgery. I've also begun to participate in the Lap Band Talk forums, with replies on several threads, particularly to questions about nutrition -- getting the word out about non-soy/whey protein options, liquid nutritionals, stevia, etc. My sister has offered to join me and Ginny in P.V. post-surgery to help entertain me during my recovery. I know Mom and Dad will feel better about that, and I certainly will, too. I began browsing around some of the P.V. travel sites today to see what we might do with ourselves besides sit in a vegetative state by the pool or the beach, and I just roared laughing when I found Master Baiters Sportfishing & Tackle...Guaranteed Catch. Well, I would think so.:heh:

6 October 2006 I have discovered another Island Bandit, who also is a Theatre patron. He's been banded four about four months and has lost 50 pounds with no problems at all, which is encouraging since I believe he has had a number of health challenges prior to surgery. I've also begun to participate in the Lap Band Talk forums, with replies on several threads, particularly to questions about nutrition -- getting the word out about non-soy/whey protein options, liquid nutritionals, stevia, etc. My sister has offered to join me and Ginny in P.V. post-surgery to help entertain me during my recovery. I know Mom and Dad will feel better about that, and I certainly will, too. I began browsing around some of the P.V. travel sites today to see what we might do with ourselves besides sit in a vegetative state by the pool or the beach, and I just roared laughing when I found Master Baiters Sportfishing & Tackle...Guaranteed Catch. Well, I would think so.:heh:

A friend of mine you was recently banded said "the surgery is the easy part, learning to live with the band is the challenge." Also, when I told her I wasn't worried about having to change my eating patterns, becasue I'd managed to live as a vegan for two years, she laughed and said "this is much easier than being vegan!"

As a natural health store owner, I can tell you there are a MILLION Protein shakes possibilities on the market. The ready-to-drink ones may be convenient for packing a lunch, but they'll be spendier than powders. With powders you also have the option to add a little sweetness to it -- I think some of the low-carb powders are a little bland -- and you can do so with stevia powder (or liquid). A very little stevia goes a LONG way, so start with a rediculously small amount and taste before adding more. A couple of stevia producing companies now make flavored stevia liquids that can be added to bottled Water for flavor variety without adding calories. So if you're sensitive (or just philosophically averse) to the commercial fake sweeteners on the market, stevia is a GREAT option. Back to proetin -- if any of you are sensitive to dairy and/or soy (which seems to be all the doctors and dieticians recommend -- why not, it's so readily available), there are options. My surgery is a few weeks away yet, but I'm planning to use rice protein and hemp protein mixes (which are a little gritty, but do provide a modicum of Fiber that soy and whey do not), as well as a new line from Nature's Plaus called Ultra Energy shake (comes in three flavors). These uses soy, combined with pea protein and rice protein, provides 25 gr of protein pe rserving, with four grams of net carb and four grams of fiber. It's a little spendy, as each can makes only 11 serveing can retails for $23.95. Another non-soy/whey option I like is Peaceful Planet's Supreme Meal, which derives it's protein blend from peas, spirulina, rice, and sprouted quinoa, millet, amaranth and broccoli. This one is VERY GREEN, and has kind of a nutty flavor. 17gr of protein per serving with 12 gr carb (2 gr fiber, 0 sugar). It retails for $40.89 for 20 servings, but you might find it discounted locally (I do). If you like the greenfoods drinks, I think they'll be good to add in both the pre- and post-op phases, as they'll give you energy, keep your immune system primed, and take out the trash as your body detoxes from a lifetime of culinary overload. A little stevia makes those taste just great, too. Barlean's Greens tastes the best; Vitamineral Green from HealthForce Nutritional is all organic, but there are many others. They range from $30-$50 for 30 servings (smaller sizes are available for trial).

5 October 2006 Yesterday I decided that it's time to tell a few of my closest friends and all of my family. Initially I had wanted to keep my surgery confidential, because I can't abide all kinds of people "monitoring" me, but knowing that I have to get through the December holiday-birthday-concert season on a pre-op liquid diet, I decided it was time to confess. I've received several positive responses, and one curiously guilt-ridden friend who feels bad for having sent me food gifts over the years. I told him, it was alway my choice whether or not to put that thing in my mouth. I'm still having trouble (especially around Halloween) staying away from the candy and junk food I love, and I haven't yet worked water REGULARLY into my schedule. That probably will be one of the most challenging points of transition for mw. I'm accustomed to drinking a lot of water, but I'm also accustomed to drinking it by the pint or quart. I've ordered a cookbook that is specifically for weight loss surgery patients -- for the weeks, months and years after surgery. Lifestyle, that's what I need to learn...both in practical terms as well as intellectual.

5 October 2006 Yesterday I decided that it's time to tell a few of my closest friends and all of my family. Initially I had wanted to keep my surgery confidential, because I can't abide all kinds of people "monitoring" me, but knowing that I have to get through the December holiday-birthday-concert season on a pre-op liquid diet, I decided it was time to confess. I've received several positive responses, and one curiously guilt-ridden friend who feels bad for having sent me food gifts over the years. I told him, it was alway my choice whether or not to put that thing in my mouth. I'm still having trouble (especially around Halloween) staying away from the candy and junk food I love, and I haven't yet worked water REGULARLY into my schedule. That probably will be one of the most challenging points of transition for mw. I'm accustomed to drinking a lot of water, but I'm also accustomed to drinking it by the pint or quart. I've ordered a cookbook that is specifically for weight loss surgery patients -- for the weeks, months and years after surgery. Lifestyle, that's what I need to learn...both in practical terms as well as intellectual.

I own a natural health store so I suppose I have a certain amount of bias, but I can tell you that 1,000-1,200 mg daily calcium intake is recommended for most adults. In order for your body to use the calcium efficiently (which doesn't necessarily happen by eating calcium-rich foods), you need to balance that intake with 500-600 mg of magnesium (a 2:1 ratio), and if you're working on bone building you'll want a supplement that also has Vit. D (unless you're already getting 400 IU in your multi) and trace amounts of copper, zinc, manganese and boron. There are a billion manufacturers and brands and formulations to choose from, so start with deciding the form that best fits your needs. There are very good liquid calcium products, for instance. Also on that front, I'm stunned by the number of physicians who advize taking a cheap chewable multi. Personally, I'm not made out of money, but when it comes to nutrition I'm willing to pay for quality supplementation, especially if my dietary intake is so limited. There are very good liquid multi formulations as well. They cost more, but are money well spent. My personal favorite is Liquid Multi Vita-Mineral made by Trace Minerals Research. In addition to being a well-balanced multi, it has 600 mg of calcium and 300 mg magnesium -- which you won't find in most multiple formulations in significant quantity.

For those looking for cooking advice specific to the Lap Band, you might want to check out "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery: 140 Recipies to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years After Surgery." I recently ordered this from Amazon.com, and the customer reviews seem to indicate that it works well for Bandits, even suggesting how to fit each into the various stages of recovery. It also seems to answer a lot of questions that patients whose doctors have not been banded themselves would not know how to answer. My surgery is in a little less than 12 weeks, and I'm looking forward to using it.

Hello, Papaya! I'm pleased to see another Islander here. I think I will be the fifth or sixth (that I know of) when I get my band in December. I've joked with another Lap Bandit that before you know it, we're going to need our own weekly meeting at the Legion. :>

Thanks, everyone. I think I'll just tell the concert planners that while I expect to be able to perform, they had best not advertise my appearance, and let it be a special surprise if I am able to do it. It's just one solo and one duet -- not a whole role, as you say. I especially appreciate the advice on reaching an understanding with the anesthesiologist. Here's to a lifetime of good music (in good health)!

I'm 12 weeks away from my banding date, but as a busy performer I need to make plans for when I'll be back at rehearsal or on the stage post-op, so I hope some of you singers can help. Before I scheduled my surgery I had made a commitment to sing on a concert that now is three weeks post-op. Is it realistic to think that I'll be able to do that? :guess My only other surgical experience was a lap-gall bladder removal eight years ago, and I don't recall any extensive down time from singing, and in fact I think I did a solo performance within three weeks of the surgery (it was eight years ago, so the timeline is a little fuzzy now). Of course, with the gall bladder surgery there were just two tiny incisions and one two-inch one, and that didn't involved a port stitched to a muscle. Any advice on what I should ask my surgeon? Are there better/worse places to place the port for deep breathing/singing? :guess Thanks!

3 October 2006 Twelve weeks from today I get my band. The journaling tool has been out of service for awhile, so I have a little catching up to do here. I've discovered that I'm not the first person on the Island to get a Lap Band, and I won't be the first person at the Theatre to have done it. Shortly after I opened this journal I discovered that I already know someone with a Band, who was banded in late July and has already lost 30 pounds. Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about! Through her I've learned that there are at least two others, and one more person who is exploring the possibility. As far as I know I may be the only one who is a "medical tourist," getting my Band in Mexico. I've been cruising this chat room regularly, and I've picked up on one thing that's beginning to make me a little nervous about the impact the Band may have on my singing life. I searched for posts about singers and came across one thread that talked about the port stitches interfering with deep breathing. Now I'm concerned that I won't be able to perform in the Song & Dance show in January (which I had agreed to do before I scheduled my surgery). The show is three weeks post-op, and I "should" be able to sing, but my breath control may not be what it used to. I asked my friend Ruthann about her recent lap-hysterectomy recovery. She said she was ablt to sing in three weeks, but her breath support was a LOT better after four. I'll have to ask Ellen about that, as she's a singer, too. Initially, I didn't want to tell anybody about my surgery until after people started noticing the results. I just cannot deal with everybody and his brother checking up on me, monitoring what I'm eating or not eating, but I have begun to tell a few ... with interesting results. The first person I told was my friend Alice, who seemed to know something about the Band already and wasn't shocked, and is, of course, very supportive. The next person I tried to tell was Merritt (my boss), and for reasons passing understanding I ended up in tears in the process -- must have been PMS, because I don't have any reservations about having the surgery or living the new life, in fact I'm quite looking forward to it, but I started out with trying to explain that I needed to be on a liquid diet restriction for two weeks before and four weeks after surgery, and that this will make the traditional office celebrations of birthdays and Christmas awkward for me. He seemed very understanding, and I know I can trust him to keep this confidential. However, with the need to tell a few people involved in Song & Dance (and others) about the possibility that I will have to be a happy surprise on the program rather than a deadliner, I'm finding a little more courage about telling people. I also would like to have at least a few key people in my musical life know, who can influence the people who do the gift buying that maybe NOT chocolate this year is a better idea. Down the raod, I think I actually would like to do a story in the Journal about being a medical tourist, but I'd prefer to have that hit the press six months post-op when I can be a poster child and not a warning to others. I am quite happy to have my success inspire others to make positive choices for their health. My next hesitation is whether or not to audition for the Theatre's winter plays. I wonder if it might be wiser to give myself three months to figure out how to eat and eat on the go before I schedule myself into a big production that may get me off track. I'm fairly certain Merritt wouldn't cast me anyway (February show), but it might be fun to do "Cemetery Club" in March, especially with Gretchen Gubelman as the director. And, of course, the Benefit Players will want to know what I want to do next. Maybe what I should do through the winter is simply concentrate on my April concert for San Juan Singers -- probably my last concert as their director. I want to devote the time necessary to pull off a really great program, and if theater has to wait a few months, so be it. It's far more important to me to wrap my Singers experience well than it is to be on the stage. "Guarding Erica" will be enough for me for a little while. OK, time to figure out how to post on this chat room. I need to know if being back on stage to sing three weeks post-op is a reasonable expectation.

3 October 2006 Twelve weeks from today I get my band. The journaling tool has been out of service for awhile, so I have a little catching up to do here. I've discovered that I'm not the first person on the Island to get a Lap Band, and I won't be the first person at the Theatre to have done it. Shortly after I opened this journal I discovered that I already know someone with a Band, who was banded in late July and has already lost 30 pounds. Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about! Through her I've learned that there are at least two others, and one more person who is exploring the possibility. As far as I know I may be the only one who is a "medical tourist," getting my Band in Mexico. I've been cruising this chat room regularly, and I've picked up on one thing that's beginning to make me a little nervous about the impact the Band may have on my singing life. I searched for posts about singers and came across one thread that talked about the port stitches interfering with deep breathing. Now I'm concerned that I won't be able to perform in the Song & Dance show in January (which I had agreed to do before I scheduled my surgery). The show is three weeks post-op, and I "should" be able to sing, but my breath control may not be what it used to. I asked my friend Ruthann about her recent lap-hysterectomy recovery. She said she was ablt to sing in three weeks, but her breath support was a LOT better after four. I'll have to ask Ellen about that, as she's a singer, too. Initially, I didn't want to tell anybody about my surgery until after people started noticing the results. I just cannot deal with everybody and his brother checking up on me, monitoring what I'm eating or not eating, but I have begun to tell a few ... with interesting results. The first person I told was my friend Alice, who seemed to know something about the Band already and wasn't shocked, and is, of course, very supportive. The next person I tried to tell was Merritt (my boss), and for reasons passing understanding I ended up in tears in the process -- must have been PMS, because I don't have any reservations about having the surgery or living the new life, in fact I'm quite looking forward to it, but I started out with trying to explain that I needed to be on a liquid diet restriction for two weeks before and four weeks after surgery, and that this will make the traditional office celebrations of birthdays and Christmas awkward for me. He seemed very understanding, and I know I can trust him to keep this confidential. However, with the need to tell a few people involved in Song & Dance (and others) about the possibility that I will have to be a happy surprise on the program rather than a deadliner, I'm finding a little more courage about telling people. I also would like to have at least a few key people in my musical life know, who can influence the people who do the gift buying that maybe NOT chocolate this year is a better idea. Down the raod, I think I actually would like to do a story in the Journal about being a medical tourist, but I'd prefer to have that hit the press six months post-op when I can be a poster child and not a warning to others. I am quite happy to have my success inspire others to make positive choices for their health. My next hesitation is whether or not to audition for the Theatre's winter plays. I wonder if it might be wiser to give myself three months to figure out how to eat and eat on the go before I schedule myself into a big production that may get me off track. I'm fairly certain Merritt wouldn't cast me anyway (February show), but it might be fun to do "Cemetery Club" in March, especially with Gretchen Gubelman as the director. And, of course, the Benefit Players will want to know what I want to do next. Maybe what I should do through the winter is simply concentrate on my April concert for San Juan Singers -- probably my last concert as their director. I want to devote the time necessary to pull off a really great program, and if theater has to wait a few months, so be it. It's far more important to me to wrap my Singers experience well than it is to be on the stage. "Guarding Erica" will be enough for me for a little while. OK, time to figure out how to post on this chat room. I need to know if being back on stage to sing three weeks post-op is a reasonable expectation.

Sept. 13, 2006 I ordered the wire transfer today for the deposit that effectively sets in motion my preparation for lap band surgery on Dec. 27, 2006. I have 105 days to prepare, and I am going to start by incorporating some of the dietary changes that I'll need to make post-op, such as eating your protein first, eating with intention (chewing, appreciating) and drinking often but slowly. Over the next three months, maybe I'll also learn to eat less, and get away from grazing. Right now I'm about 240 pounds, and my intention is to achieve a healthy body weight of somewhere between 135-145 pounds. I have no target date, although it would be nice at least to be close by the time of my oldest niece's (my god-daughter's) wedding ... currently anticipated to be early 2008. I would really like to look good in those family photos ... like I did at my parents' 50th anniversary in 1993, or better. I feel fully prepared to make these changes. I've always been something of a culinary maverick, choosing foods that most people (at least most people in my family) don't ordinarily choose ... e.g. being vegan for two years. I can do this. I'm a little concerned about how this might impact my social life, such as it is. I'm not much of a party girl, and I don't eat out all that often on my current budget, but I am concerned about how this will affect my ability to "come over for dinner" without making others uncomfortable. I'm willing to BE different. I guess I just don't want to be PERCEIVED as different. :paranoid I hope that what the band will do for me is to give me a sense of normalcy about my physical place in the world. I'd like to walk past a mirror and think, "I know her. That's who I am." At the moment, I don't recognize the woman who looks back at me. I don't feel that fat, but when I saw the pictures from "La Vie Ennui," I knew I looked as bad as I felt in those costumes.:confused: I'm looking forward to a simpler life, a life in which my body makes me proud, and is a place I like to be (as opposed to my imagination, which is where I spend much of my time now). 105 days until I receive the tool that I then can WORK to find the normal girl within.

Sept. 13, 2006 I ordered the wire transfer today for the deposit that effectively sets in motion my preparation for lap band surgery on Dec. 27, 2006. I have 105 days to prepare, and I am going to start by incorporating some of the dietary changes that I'll need to make post-op, such as eating your protein first, eating with intention (chewing, appreciating) and drinking often but slowly. Over the next three months, maybe I'll also learn to eat less, and get away from grazing. Right now I'm about 240 pounds, and my intention is to achieve a healthy body weight of somewhere between 135-145 pounds. I have no target date, although it would be nice at least to be close by the time of my oldest niece's (my god-daughter's) wedding ... currently anticipated to be early 2008. I would really like to look good in those family photos ... like I did at my parents' 50th anniversary in 1993, or better. I feel fully prepared to make these changes. I've always been something of a culinary maverick, choosing foods that most people (at least most people in my family) don't ordinarily choose ... e.g. being vegan for two years. I can do this. I'm a little concerned about how this might impact my social life, such as it is. I'm not much of a party girl, and I don't eat out all that often on my current budget, but I am concerned about how this will affect my ability to "come over for dinner" without making others uncomfortable. I'm willing to BE different. I guess I just don't want to be PERCEIVED as different. :paranoid I hope that what the band will do for me is to give me a sense of normalcy about my physical place in the world. I'd like to walk past a mirror and think, "I know her. That's who I am." At the moment, I don't recognize the woman who looks back at me. I don't feel that fat, but when I saw the pictures from "La Vie Ennui," I knew I looked as bad as I felt in those costumes.:cool: I'm looking forward to a simpler life, a life in which my body makes me proud, and is a place I like to be (as opposed to my imagination, which is where I spend much of my time now). 105 days until I receive the tool that I then can WORK to find the normal girl within.