laphappy

Hi All, My last post here was several years ago, and that was probably the last time I was going down in the weight department. I'm trying to get back on track and I'm hoping posting here can help me. I had my surgery in Dec 06 and lost 45 lbs (of the 100 I need to) in the first six months, stayed at a stable weight for two years, then started gaining slowly when I quit smoking last Spring, and now I'm back up 15lbs. I haven't been to see the doctor in two years, I haven't been sticking with the rules and I'm scared that I've caused damage to the band or my stomach, that returning to the surgeon will lead to scolding and finger waving - all of which would be fair, and no reason to avoid taking care of myself. I think I'm just starting to take the first steps by coming here, and I could use a kick in the pants and some support. Any of you fall off the wagon? Have to get back into the habit of not drinking carbonation, not drinking with meals and all the other rules I haven't been following. How did you do it? Thanks so much for reading!

Here I am on a Saturday morning, my only day off this weekend. Instead of making the best of it, I'm wallowing, feeling inept. My life has become unmanageable. More days than not I go to bed having to push out overwhelming negative thoughts. I have to numb myself so that I don't think about all the things I'm not doing or have done wrong or don't do as well as others. It's hard. Things bothering me are: 1. It's been almost a year since my surgery and I've lost 45 lbs. My better me thinks good thoughts about this. I've kept it off for longer than I've ever kept weight off in my life. But the rest of me is disappointed, not surprised though. I haven't worked at it for a very long time. I want to go back for another fill, but I'm afraid to show my face, be seen, be reprimanded for the long hiatus, be seen as a failure. I don't know why I can't do this. What is wrong with me. Conclusion: I haven't worked very hard at it, I regret that, but nothing is stopping me from getting back in the game if I can overcome what stops me. 2. Getting blown off by a guy who I thought would call. I thought I was doing him a favor seeing him again, and now I feel like a total idiot. Was I nasty to him, did he sense my disinterest? Was he not all that intereted to begin with? Why can't I get over it. Coming up on 30 I feel overwhelmed sometimes thinking that I will always be alone, like I didn't get picked for the team in gym class. I'm a reject and everyone else left to be with is a reject as well. Mostly I think, why do I keep trying to date when I know that I'm not remotely comfortable with who I am? Conclusion: I'm not ready to give up online dating because I don't have much going on in my life and even the occasional first date gives me something to get excited about. There is no reason I can't work on myself and continue dating. 3. I'm lonely. I hate that no one calls me to do anything. I don't feel like I matter to anyone. Granted Cara calls daily, but I'm tired of talking to her. I don't know if I should say anything. She just redirects every conversation towards herself and even when she does let me talk there's no conversation, just uh huh, yeah, that sucks - anyways...back to me. I can't keep it up. Beyond that, I feel like others here all have a life and put me it when I ask if they have to. Otherwise they all have significant others or close groups of friends. I'm alone, completely alone. 4. Work. I love when I'm with patients, but I'm just not challenged or inspired to work hard. I've become so lazy and I'm not learning anything. I have a chip on my shoulder that I'm not a real doctor, yet I make no effort to actually be an expert in what I do. 5. My apartment, it's a wreck. It's always been that way, it's nothing new. I've never been able to maintain my home. It's always a mad dash to clean it up, a promise to keep it up, and failure. I don't know why I can't do better. I think it's because I park myself in front of the boob tube every night and zone out until it's time for bed. Sad. I know things were better last year when I quit smoking. I would like to stop again, I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm definitely precontemplative. 6. I don't want to go home and disappoint my family with how I look. 7. I'm not in the holiday spirit, I'm really depressed that I'm alone again and have to beg the other folks to come over so that I can celebrate. I'm afraid I'm going to develop an aversion the holidays that I used to love so much. 8. All the crap I haven't done. Loan deferments being the biggest issue. 9. My hair, I can't believe that wasn't number one. I don't even know if I can write about it. It's pitiful and disgusting and I can't stop and I don't want to get help but I really don't want to go on like this. I say I can stop but I can't. I just don't want it to get any worse. 10. Apathy. I used to work a full time job, teach part time and study for classes and tests. During that time I journalled all the time and was able to live a normal life. Maybe I remember it better than it was. Why can't I do that now. I get home by 430 most days. I'm off more weekends than not. SO, what now. I have the day off, what do I want to do with it. Can I even motivate myself to do anything? What would make me feel better: -getting out of the house -doing something social -shopping for dress pants -fixing my other dress pants -cleaning up a bit -organizing clothes in my room -sending Pete an email -painting?

Here I am on a Saturday morning, my only day off this weekend. Instead of making the best of it, I'm wallowing, feeling inept. My life has become unmanageable. More days than not I go to bed having to push out overwhelming negative thoughts. I have to numb myself so that I don't think about all the things I'm not doing or have done wrong or don't do as well as others. It's hard. Things bothering me are: 1. It's been almost a year since my surgery and I've lost 45 lbs. My better me thinks good thoughts about this. I've kept it off for longer than I've ever kept weight off in my life. But the rest of me is disappointed, not surprised though. I haven't worked at it for a very long time. I want to go back for another fill, but I'm afraid to show my face, be seen, be reprimanded for the long hiatus, be seen as a failure. I don't know why I can't do this. What is wrong with me. Conclusion: I haven't worked very hard at it, I regret that, but nothing is stopping me from getting back in the game if I can overcome what stops me. 2. Getting blown off by a guy who I thought would call. I thought I was doing him a favor seeing him again, and now I feel like a total idiot. Was I nasty to him, did he sense my disinterest? Was he not all that intereted to begin with? Why can't I get over it. Coming up on 30 I feel overwhelmed sometimes thinking that I will always be alone, like I didn't get picked for the team in gym class. I'm a reject and everyone else left to be with is a reject as well. Mostly I think, why do I keep trying to date when I know that I'm not remotely comfortable with who I am? Conclusion: I'm not ready to give up online dating because I don't have much going on in my life and even the occasional first date gives me something to get excited about. There is no reason I can't work on myself and continue dating. 3. I'm lonely. I hate that no one calls me to do anything. I don't feel like I matter to anyone. Granted Cara calls daily, but I'm tired of talking to her. I don't know if I should say anything. She just redirects every conversation towards herself and even when she does let me talk there's no conversation, just uh huh, yeah, that sucks - anyways...back to me. I can't keep it up. Beyond that, I feel like others here all have a life and put me it when I ask if they have to. Otherwise they all have significant others or close groups of friends. I'm alone, completely alone. 4. Work. I love when I'm with patients, but I'm just not challenged or inspired to work hard. I've become so lazy and I'm not learning anything. I have a chip on my shoulder that I'm not a real doctor, yet I make no effort to actually be an expert in what I do. 5. My apartment, it's a wreck. It's always been that way, it's nothing new. I've never been able to maintain my home. It's always a mad dash to clean it up, a promise to keep it up, and failure. I don't know why I can't do better. I think it's because I park myself in front of the boob tube every night and zone out until it's time for bed. Sad. I know things were better last year when I quit smoking. I would like to stop again, I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm definitely precontemplative. 6. I don't want to go home and disappoint my family with how I look. 7. I'm not in the holiday spirit, I'm really depressed that I'm alone again and have to beg the other folks to come over so that I can celebrate. I'm afraid I'm going to develop an aversion the holidays that I used to love so much. 8. All the crap I haven't done. Loan deferments being the biggest issue. 9. My hair, I can't believe that wasn't number one. I don't even know if I can write about it. It's pitiful and disgusting and I can't stop and I don't want to get help but I really don't want to go on like this. I say I can stop but I can't. I just don't want it to get any worse. 10. Apathy. I used to work a full time job, teach part time and study for classes and tests. During that time I journalled all the time and was able to live a normal life. Maybe I remember it better than it was. Why can't I do that now. I get home by 430 most days. I'm off more weekends than not. SO, what now. I have the day off, what do I want to do with it. Can I even motivate myself to do anything? What would make me feel better: -getting out of the house -doing something social -shopping for dress pants -fixing my other dress pants -cleaning up a bit -organizing clothes in my room -sending Pete an email -painting?

Well, I'm typing in the darkl on a saturday night and I dont have the patience to delete all of the ls that stickl to my kls. There is so much going on in my life right now that I feel the need to record it for posterity. First of all, this morning I was 238.6!!!! I havent been eating much at all lately. Its not that Im trying to starve myself, I just havent had an appetite. I've mostly been living on dating fumes. In the last month, actually a little less, I've been on so many dates. First there was Alejandro, which turned into four dates with no action and no potential. Then in between there was Matt, no chemistry, Jon, not interested, and then Jim. Ahhh Jim. Thinkling about him gives me butterflies. Cheesy, yes. But true. I really likled that I had that hotmail message written just after meeting Pete. Being able to lookl backl at that years later and see that I klnew all the problems with him from the get go. But still, fun to have my thoughts recorded. I want to do the same with Jim because I feel like there is potential there. I'm scared to say it out loud because I fear a million things. But our first date was outstanding. We met at Jamaica Pond at sunset. He hugged me and gave me a kliss on the cheekl and then we walkled and talkled and it was easy and fun. We made it about two thirds of the way around and were lookling at some baby duckls when he reached for my hand and he didnt really let go after that. I almost forgot the best part. When he guided me by the small of my backl around a pothole in the path and various other things. He was such a gentleman! We went to the alchemist and had a great time chatting and laughing at our bizarre waitress. Then we walkled backl to my car and he gave me a very very forward first kliss (which he later mentioned he had thought I had done?). Then I klissed him again. The second kliss was oustanding. I was, and still am, so attracted to his broad shoulders and how thick he is. I feel likle we fit together. Althought I kleep fighting off the urge to tell him that my thicklness is liklely fleeting. So, after the first date he texted me to say he had a great time and would talkl to me soon. I agonized monday and tuesday waiting for him to call. When he finally did he klept explaining how busy he had been workling on some tax forms for workl. Then he asked me out, I mentioned him coming over. Which I felt a little bad about, didn't want to raise expectations of action. He came over Thursday, but late because of a flat, so funny. We made dinner. It was comfortable but conversation was at times more of a challenge than it was on the first date. We retired to the futon and went at it. He klissed me so well. His hands were wandering. Then he started with the dry humping. This was troubling to me a bit, maybe too forward a little weird. he went for second base. He had some very good skills nibbling through my shirt. He klept pulling my leg up onto his hip and the hands went to my legs etc. It was nice. I worry that inviting him over shifted things a bit, maybe we won't conversate as well. Regardless, it was a great time. He stayed until almost midnight. Still bragged a bit, talkled about some girl he met online just wanting to jump him. I klept thinkling that I really wanted to see him before he went to philly, but i had told him I needed to study and I didnt want to seem desperate. Today I really just wanted to talkl to him so I called this afternoon, we had a slow conversation but he seemed happy I had called. I said, I'm just really tired of studying and I thought I'd give you a call for a little study breakll. He said "aw, thats nice." I askled him if he wanted to meet for lunch monday before he left town and he said sure. Gave me his office line. We also talkled about how he needed a soundtrackl for his trip on the train to philly. Now I want to burn him a cd called "train trackls" because I thinkl its an incredibly clever title. I'm scared he will be likle, whoa - too much. But you klnow what. I'm thoughtful and anyone who would be turned off by that isnt the person for me. So, tomorrow I'm going to burn him a nice cd of random music. Nothing romanticky, just a nice collection of stuff I likle. I cant wait to see him and it klills me that I hve to wait to see him again untill next weeklend after that. I hope he holds my hand when we walkl to lunch. I thinklt hat would show me that he isnt ashamed to be with me. I dont want to do any big klissing though. I thinkll its good to step backl from all the messing around we did on Thursday. So, I'm all butterfly likle about him and I wanted to list out. 1. Evidence that he is interested 2. Things I likle 3. Things I wonder about. 1. Evidence that he likles me -left Thursday saying to sadie "hopefully I'll see you again sometime" -said he would call from philly -said he likled klissing me and many other things 2. Things I likle: -has a spine Love his lips, shoulders, butt, chest!, legs, etc. I'm so attracted to him, I just want to touch him all the time when we're together He is smart, and curious about things that I dont klnlow a lot about Despite his dry humping, he's a gentleman He loves his family He calls backll, sends texts after dates, brings wine He is goofy He holds my hand His job is so freakin hot He lives on the orange line and has his own place He listens well He seems klind He gives me butterflies He klnows how to plan a date Things I wonder about: Is he dull? Is he too dorky? His laugh His dry humping Is he promiscuous? Shrek? Arrogant? Mamas boy? Religion differences? Regardless of all that, I cant wait to see him again. I have got to go to bed now, I'm soooooooo tired I can barely type.

Well, I'm typing in the darkl on a saturday night and I dont have the patience to delete all of the ls that stickl to my kls. There is so much going on in my life right now that I feel the need to record it for posterity. First of all, this morning I was 238.6!!!! I havent been eating much at all lately. Its not that Im trying to starve myself, I just havent had an appetite. I've mostly been living on dating fumes. In the last month, actually a little less, I've been on so many dates. First there was Alejandro, which turned into four dates with no action and no potential. Then in between there was Matt, no chemistry, Jon, not interested, and then Jim. Ahhh Jim. Thinkling about him gives me butterflies. Cheesy, yes. But true. I really likled that I had that hotmail message written just after meeting Pete. Being able to lookl backl at that years later and see that I klnew all the problems with him from the get go. But still, fun to have my thoughts recorded. I want to do the same with Jim because I feel like there is potential there. I'm scared to say it out loud because I fear a million things. But our first date was outstanding. We met at Jamaica Pond at sunset. He hugged me and gave me a kliss on the cheekl and then we walkled and talkled and it was easy and fun. We made it about two thirds of the way around and were lookling at some baby duckls when he reached for my hand and he didnt really let go after that. I almost forgot the best part. When he guided me by the small of my backl around a pothole in the path and various other things. He was such a gentleman! We went to the alchemist and had a great time chatting and laughing at our bizarre waitress. Then we walkled backl to my car and he gave me a very very forward first kliss (which he later mentioned he had thought I had done?). Then I klissed him again. The second kliss was oustanding. I was, and still am, so attracted to his broad shoulders and how thick he is. I feel likle we fit together. Althought I kleep fighting off the urge to tell him that my thicklness is liklely fleeting. So, after the first date he texted me to say he had a great time and would talkl to me soon. I agonized monday and tuesday waiting for him to call. When he finally did he klept explaining how busy he had been workling on some tax forms for workl. Then he asked me out, I mentioned him coming over. Which I felt a little bad about, didn't want to raise expectations of action. He came over Thursday, but late because of a flat, so funny. We made dinner. It was comfortable but conversation was at times more of a challenge than it was on the first date. We retired to the futon and went at it. He klissed me so well. His hands were wandering. Then he started with the dry humping. This was troubling to me a bit, maybe too forward a little weird. he went for second base. He had some very good skills nibbling through my shirt. He klept pulling my leg up onto his hip and the hands went to my legs etc. It was nice. I worry that inviting him over shifted things a bit, maybe we won't conversate as well. Regardless, it was a great time. He stayed until almost midnight. Still bragged a bit, talkled about some girl he met online just wanting to jump him. I klept thinkling that I really wanted to see him before he went to philly, but i had told him I needed to study and I didnt want to seem desperate. Today I really just wanted to talkl to him so I called this afternoon, we had a slow conversation but he seemed happy I had called. I said, I'm just really tired of studying and I thought I'd give you a call for a little study breakll. He said "aw, thats nice." I askled him if he wanted to meet for lunch monday before he left town and he said sure. Gave me his office line. We also talkled about how he needed a soundtrackl for his trip on the train to philly. Now I want to burn him a cd called "train trackls" because I thinkl its an incredibly clever title. I'm scared he will be likle, whoa - too much. But you klnow what. I'm thoughtful and anyone who would be turned off by that isnt the person for me. So, tomorrow I'm going to burn him a nice cd of random music. Nothing romanticky, just a nice collection of stuff I likle. I cant wait to see him and it klills me that I hve to wait to see him again untill next weeklend after that. I hope he holds my hand when we walkl to lunch. I thinklt hat would show me that he isnt ashamed to be with me. I dont want to do any big klissing though. I thinkll its good to step backl from all the messing around we did on Thursday. So, I'm all butterfly likle about him and I wanted to list out. 1. Evidence that he is interested 2. Things I likle 3. Things I wonder about. 1. Evidence that he likles me -left Thursday saying to sadie "hopefully I'll see you again sometime" -said he would call from philly -said he likled klissing me and many other things 2. Things I likle: -has a spine Love his lips, shoulders, butt, chest!, legs, etc. I'm so attracted to him, I just want to touch him all the time when we're together He is smart, and curious about things that I dont klnlow a lot about Despite his dry humping, he's a gentleman He loves his family He calls backll, sends texts after dates, brings wine He is goofy He holds my hand His job is so freakin hot He lives on the orange line and has his own place He listens well He seems klind He gives me butterflies He klnows how to plan a date Things I wonder about: Is he dull? Is he too dorky? His laugh His dry humping Is he promiscuous? Shrek? Arrogant? Mamas boy? Religion differences? Regardless of all that, I cant wait to see him again. I have got to go to bed now, I'm soooooooo tired I can barely type.

That does sound like a hard schedule. I have a couple of friends who organized a walking lunch break at their office. They eat then go for a power walk outside when it's nice and indoors up stairwells and through halls then downstairs again when it's nasty out. It's not as good as a gym workout, but it's something! I believe that studies have shown 10 bursts of exercise three times a day is actually more beneficial at keeping your metabolism revved than just one 30 minute session! Hope that helps

Anyone think she looks a lot like Jachut?

My understanding is that if we eat too quickly, or take bites that are too large, there is a backup from the pouch into our esophagus since food won't travel through the new smaller pouch very quickly. Having something stuck in your esophagus when it constricts (which it normally does frequently to move food along) can cause a very very painful feeling in the chest or abdomen. Actually, some people (without bands) can get spasms of their esophagus that cause immense pain and often leads to trips to the ER because they think they're having a heart attack. It's called "nutcracker esophagus" which I always thought was pretty funny. So - to make a long story short. I think of "sticking" as the sensation I get (which for me is a very painful chest tightness) when I've put too much in the inbox too quickly and my esophagus is kindly reminding me.

So, after my long winded rant yesterday I took some action. I think I did almost everything on my list. I went to CVS, Dunkys, the Harvest Coop, put the sticker on my car, cleaned out my car, sent my USMLE thingy, Icleaned my kitchen, bathroom and living room. Emptied out the nasty pots from the fridge, ran the dishwasher, and washed my towels, pillowcases and comforter cover. I cooked a decent dinner, AND had Rachel over for a few drinks and a chat. So all in all, I think I did quite well. Today I took a trip to Target and got some new pillows, an awesome polkadot top with big circles and a ruched waist, very nice. I also cleaned up after myself on several occasions, which only took a minute. I shined my sink just now. I guess the whole flylady theory is sticking. I kind of realized earlier this evening, that very few of the things I insist on doing on a regular basis are good for me. When I think about Pete, or Chrissy or many of the other somewhat normal people I know. They all had things they sort of insisted on doing. Pete had to go to the gym regardless of whether or not we'd seen each other in a while. Chrissy had to do laundry, had to lay her clothes to dry on a rack, had to empty the cat box. I HAVE TO, by my own insistence, do very litte. The things I do get stubborn about aren't very good for me. I HAVE to sit on my ass all night at smoke and watch tv, I'll even pass on plans to do this at times. I HAVE TO eat junky crap in too large quantities, band or no band. I don't have good regular habits. I can think of a couple - I usually stay in touch with friends, call once in a while, check in - one up on Chrissy there. But after that, not so much. I don't "have to" put on face cream every night because it's something I want to do for myself. I don't "have to" exercise "cause it makes me feel less stressed, or makes me feel good, etc." I dont "have to" take care of nagging errands because I want the weight off my shoulders. I have developed very few beneficial habits. Very few. I want more of them. I was reading some posts of other december bandsters today and was seeing how much they had lost in roughly the same time span since my surgery. I didn't see anyone as low as myself. I really have accomplished something, but haven't tried very hard at all! There isn't much I've denied myself. I don't do the protein thing. I don't avoid ice cream or other high calorie things. ie the au bon pain a thon of bakery. I drink when I eat, I don't exercise. All in all, it's kind of a miracle that I've lost anything at all. I can say that since I've been back on the synthroid bandwagon, the scale seems more cooperative. I don't know why I stopped taking it for so long. Dumb. So, anyway, reading the posts you see how much success those who exericise have had. I did it for a few weeks. It wasn't that bad. I don't know why I can't keep it up. I didn't hate it, I didn't feel super embarassed. Once I was there I always wanted to stay. In addition, I have a perfectly good recumbent bike in my bedroom collecting dust. What if I always did that first when I came home? Even just thirty minutes a day would have to give me something in return. It's right there, I can watch tv, I can be in my underwear for petes sake, if I wanted to. I don't. But really, the gravity of the couch is overwhelming. Maybe that's why I've avoided the cable thing. Realistically, I could afford it, but I just don't need another excuse to sit in front of the television. That's all I do. Good lord, Sadie is on a rant of her own right now, howling away. I think it has something to do with the cat outside who must be in heat or something. Regardless, I digress. So.... things learned this weekend: Cleaning up is hard to do. Doing little things every day to avoid a mess in the first place is better. I am not working with the band. I ate way too much Crackin Oat Bran Being productive makes me feel better about myself. Having someone just stop by and having things look nice is great Having an organized life whether someone sees it or not is better I have one call left with Kelly Hoagland, I'd say she's VP of bad calls I have one 12 hour period in the daytime with Leena, she's the Prez After that, all my calls are with Cathy Gonzales, Liz or Carmen, and no more weekend calls. So, basically I just have to get through my medium call tomorrow, my large call Sunday, and the rest is smooth sailing. I can pretty much feel secure in hoping that the rest of them will only require as needed ED work. Other stresses: Next years schedule. I'm fairly sure I will get either Faulkner split or BIDMC first. I think she'll stick me with the Faulkner split. This is good because: Less time at BIDMC days, always on the eight person half, get my float either out of the way at the beginning or saved up to the end. Benefits either way I suppose. Close commute. Bad because: Celeste What else: Feel bad about binge today, def was a binge in the true old days way. I ate over a box of cereal today. Not good. I knew it would happen. I need a fill, I think I would consider scheduling one for next week. Would like to avoid the TOM though, that makes things soooo much tighter. Need to remember mothers day is approaching. I think that's it. I want to go to bed now feeling peaceful and proud of what I did this weekend. The scale said 49 this morning, not expecting the same tomorrow. So: You had a productive weekend, a little bit of social time. You just have to go on call tomorrow night and then you have all of Tuesday off. Then Wednesday is a half day, as is Thurs unless Erin wants to go. Then it's friday, a day off, then Sunday. When Sunday is over (well actually at eight oclock when Cathy comes on, you are all good!!!!) You then get monday off and you are past call hell. Second year definitely sounds hard, but at the same time - I really look forward to being master of my own work. Not needing to come to anyones call who gets to tell me what to do and when to go to bed. At least I'll be the boss of my time, even if it's all spent awake. OK, off to bed. Please exercise when you get home post call. I dont really want to set difinitve weight loss goals, but If I'm at fifty now(who knows after today). I'd like May to be a banner month. I want to see the thirties early this summer. I think my realistic goal would be thirty five by the end of first year. That would be a fifty lb total loss, and it would put me back to a recognizable place in my past. Its also shooting distance to one of my first major goals. That means fifteen lbs in approximately 7 weeks. So the two lbs a week rule, which is completely doable. If I could hit thirty five by June 19, then my next goal would be two fifteen. Another 8-9 weeks for that would put me there by the end of summer. Then I spend my fall getting past ONEderland. Oh the possibilites, and the fact that they're both realistic and maintainable now is such a relief. Goodnight!:clap2: :notagree

So, after my long winded rant yesterday I took some action. I think I did almost everything on my list. I went to CVS, Dunkys, the Harvest Coop, put the sticker on my car, cleaned out my car, sent my USMLE thingy, Icleaned my kitchen, bathroom and living room. Emptied out the nasty pots from the fridge, ran the dishwasher, and washed my towels, pillowcases and comforter cover. I cooked a decent dinner, AND had Rachel over for a few drinks and a chat. So all in all, I think I did quite well. Today I took a trip to Target and got some new pillows, an awesome polkadot top with big circles and a ruched waist, very nice. I also cleaned up after myself on several occasions, which only took a minute. I shined my sink just now. I guess the whole flylady theory is sticking. I kind of realized earlier this evening, that very few of the things I insist on doing on a regular basis are good for me. When I think about Pete, or Chrissy or many of the other somewhat normal people I know. They all had things they sort of insisted on doing. Pete had to go to the gym regardless of whether or not we'd seen each other in a while. Chrissy had to do laundry, had to lay her clothes to dry on a rack, had to empty the cat box. I HAVE TO, by my own insistence, do very litte. The things I do get stubborn about aren't very good for me. I HAVE to sit on my ass all night at smoke and watch tv, I'll even pass on plans to do this at times. I HAVE TO eat junky crap in too large quantities, band or no band. I don't have good regular habits. I can think of a couple - I usually stay in touch with friends, call once in a while, check in - one up on Chrissy there. But after that, not so much. I don't "have to" put on face cream every night because it's something I want to do for myself. I don't "have to" exercise "cause it makes me feel less stressed, or makes me feel good, etc." I dont "have to" take care of nagging errands because I want the weight off my shoulders. I have developed very few beneficial habits. Very few. I want more of them. I was reading some posts of other december bandsters today and was seeing how much they had lost in roughly the same time span since my surgery. I didn't see anyone as low as myself. I really have accomplished something, but haven't tried very hard at all! There isn't much I've denied myself. I don't do the protein thing. I don't avoid ice cream or other high calorie things. ie the au bon pain a thon of bakery. I drink when I eat, I don't exercise. All in all, it's kind of a miracle that I've lost anything at all. I can say that since I've been back on the synthroid bandwagon, the scale seems more cooperative. I don't know why I stopped taking it for so long. Dumb. So, anyway, reading the posts you see how much success those who exericise have had. I did it for a few weeks. It wasn't that bad. I don't know why I can't keep it up. I didn't hate it, I didn't feel super embarassed. Once I was there I always wanted to stay. In addition, I have a perfectly good recumbent bike in my bedroom collecting dust. What if I always did that first when I came home? Even just thirty minutes a day would have to give me something in return. It's right there, I can watch tv, I can be in my underwear for petes sake, if I wanted to. I don't. But really, the gravity of the couch is overwhelming. Maybe that's why I've avoided the cable thing. Realistically, I could afford it, but I just don't need another excuse to sit in front of the television. That's all I do. Good lord, Sadie is on a rant of her own right now, howling away. I think it has something to do with the cat outside who must be in heat or something. Regardless, I digress. So.... things learned this weekend: Cleaning up is hard to do. Doing little things every day to avoid a mess in the first place is better. I am not working with the band. I ate way too much Crackin Oat Bran Being productive makes me feel better about myself. Having someone just stop by and having things look nice is great Having an organized life whether someone sees it or not is better I have one call left with Kelly Hoagland, I'd say she's VP of bad calls I have one 12 hour period in the daytime with Leena, she's the Prez After that, all my calls are with Cathy Gonzales, Liz or Carmen, and no more weekend calls. So, basically I just have to get through my medium call tomorrow, my large call Sunday, and the rest is smooth sailing. I can pretty much feel secure in hoping that the rest of them will only require as needed ED work. Other stresses: Next years schedule. I'm fairly sure I will get either Faulkner split or BIDMC first. I think she'll stick me with the Faulkner split. This is good because: Less time at BIDMC days, always on the eight person half, get my float either out of the way at the beginning or saved up to the end. Benefits either way I suppose. Close commute. Bad because: Celeste What else: Feel bad about binge today, def was a binge in the true old days way. I ate over a box of cereal today. Not good. I knew it would happen. I need a fill, I think I would consider scheduling one for next week. Would like to avoid the TOM though, that makes things soooo much tighter. Need to remember mothers day is approaching. I think that's it. I want to go to bed now feeling peaceful and proud of what I did this weekend. The scale said 49 this morning, not expecting the same tomorrow. So: You had a productive weekend, a little bit of social time. You just have to go on call tomorrow night and then you have all of Tuesday off. Then Wednesday is a half day, as is Thurs unless Erin wants to go. Then it's friday, a day off, then Sunday. When Sunday is over (well actually at eight oclock when Cathy comes on, you are all good!!!!) You then get monday off and you are past call hell. Second year definitely sounds hard, but at the same time - I really look forward to being master of my own work. Not needing to come to anyones call who gets to tell me what to do and when to go to bed. At least I'll be the boss of my time, even if it's all spent awake. OK, off to bed. Please exercise when you get home post call. I dont really want to set difinitve weight loss goals, but If I'm at fifty now(who knows after today). I'd like May to be a banner month. I want to see the thirties early this summer. I think my realistic goal would be thirty five by the end of first year. That would be a fifty lb total loss, and it would put me back to a recognizable place in my past. Its also shooting distance to one of my first major goals. That means fifteen lbs in approximately 7 weeks. So the two lbs a week rule, which is completely doable. If I could hit thirty five by June 19, then my next goal would be two fifteen. Another 8-9 weeks for that would put me there by the end of summer. Then I spend my fall getting past ONEderland. Oh the possibilites, and the fact that they're both realistic and maintainable now is such a relief. Goodnight!:clap2: :notagree

Here I am, in the season of change/rebirth blah blah blah. I suck. I know, that's counterproductive, internal dialogue such as that can change the way you view the world and won't motivate change - again blah blah blah. I don't know why I am able to have this bizarre selective content ignorance about how things in my life are at the moment. When I have a moment of clarity, I look around my apartment right now and see a rug littered with crumbs and a coffee table ripe with old dishes, cigarette butts and junk. My dining room table is piled with all the things I deposit on my way in the door. My kitchen, which I painstakingly cleaned last week, is deep in rotting fruit and cheese, my fridge has several pots that have been marinating in their choice fuzzy molded over dishes for several months. My bedroom has nary a spot of open floor for all the clothes and crap. I come home early from work, I leave at a reasonable time in the morning. I have no excuse. Yesterday I came home at 4:00. Passed on a wine party with half formed delusions of accomplishing something. Instead I melted into TV/computer coma till bedtime, as I knew I would. I had this surgery because I was tired of the relentlessly inevitable frantic motivated "new plan" "life overhall" "lifestlye change" that always resulted in failure, a period of deluded "whatever" to be rinsed and repeated. Now I feel like I'd kill to have that kind of motivation again. I'm not the same person I was back then. I seem unable to even pretend to muster that degree of fervency. Now, I have this tool, more reason than ever to feel I will succeed, and I don't. Not that I haven't lost weight. If my highest was 285, I'm down 35lbs and that's something. But, it's been four and a half months. If I had used the time better I could have easily lost another 15. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Something is definitely wrong with me. I'm always letting life get away from me, I don't want to do the things that aren't fun. I ignore the things that have to be done so that I can sit and stare at a TV and pretend they don't exist. When I'm at work, all I think about is getting home to smoke and watch tv and do nothing. I am numb. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to take care of things, be ahead of the game. I want to succeed damnit. But instead I just rot and get older and don't achieve any of the things that really matter. I know improving yourself is supposed to be about you, not wanting external things. But really, I want to find a man who I love and would settle down with. I don't really feel confident that I can get as much quality with what I'm carrying around right now. I strongly believe that the sooner I get thinner, the sooner I can attract the kind of man I would want to marry. Yet I sit. I want to have a clean and organized apartment, I want to be someone who washes their sheets more often than every six months. Yet I sit. I want to cook healthy meals and become more compliant with this band. Yet I sit. Why, because it's easy. I've become incredily complacent in my actions, yet internally still want all kinds of things that require hard work and motivation. I only seem to have that in burst form, nothing sustainable. Can that be changed, it it programed somewhere in me? How do I change it? I guess I just suck it up and do it, but I've never been able to before. I guess everything comes one day at a time. I've never really suceeded at those kinds of things. Instead I do big tests that I cram for in a burst of motivation, call nights that come in one big chunk. I can't even remember to regularly take medicine every day, forget vitamins. My inclination is to get excited and say, okay - I will fix this today. I will clean everything, wash everything, plan the perfect grocery list. Make the perfect meals today. I will make a list of things to do and check them off one by one. But tomorrow there will be new things, and the next day and the next day. I can't ever really get ahead of life. Burying my ass in the couch and resting saying "ah, finally it's all done." Never going to happen. I cringe at the thought. There will always be something I have to take care of. How does everyone else do it? It overwhelms me. I suppose I can think of my strengths and incorporate them into a strategy? Fuck it. :angry What can I do today, that's all I can think about right now. Today: I can: Clean up my kitchen in probably about 30 minutes. I can take out the garbage and probably even muster the strength to clean out a few of the nasy fridge pots. I can: Tidy and vacuum my living room I can: Find my Step 3 registration and put postage on it and put it in a mailbox. I can: Tidy the bathroom I can: Do a couple loads of laundry I can: Put the registration sticker on my car. I can: Go get a new DVD player I can: Buy a dresser I can: Go grocery shopping after deciding on food for the week. I can: write a thank you letter to penny I can: sit on my ass all day and do nothing I can: exercise So I transferred these things to a list. I can get through all this in the next two days. However, afterwards, there will be more laundry and more cleaning and more crappy tasks. It will never all be done for good. Ok, so now I have to take action. I don't generally start doing that until I can somewhat visualize a course of events. I can get up, stretch, go put on my comfy jeans and a nice casual top. I can go to dunkys and to get cigs, get some preliminary groceries. In the mean time, putting the sticker on my car. (If it's still there, I have some doubt as I've heard a cacophany of car alarm in the past half hour). I could also find my usmle thing and mail it on the way down. In fact, I could also start a load of towels/sheets on my way. So, amended plan.... Get dressed, put on makeup. Gather a load of towels and sheets, put dryer sheets in purse. Find my uslme thing and put it in an envelope with postage. Go downstairs, drop off the laundry, go to dunkins and get coffee, walk up to the quick-e-mart and get a three pack of cigs. Go to harvest market and get some preliminary groceries. Come back and switch laundry load using handy dryer sheets that I've already got with me. Go upstairs and put in the ipod, you have an hour to clean kitchen and empty out nasty pots before laundry is done.

Here I am, in the season of change/rebirth blah blah blah. I suck. I know, that's counterproductive, internal dialogue such as that can change the way you view the world and won't motivate change - again blah blah blah. I don't know why I am able to have this bizarre selective content ignorance about how things in my life are at the moment. When I have a moment of clarity, I look around my apartment right now and see a rug littered with crumbs and a coffee table ripe with old dishes, cigarette butts and junk. My dining room table is piled with all the things I deposit on my way in the door. My kitchen, which I painstakingly cleaned last week, is deep in rotting fruit and cheese, my fridge has several pots that have been marinating in their choice fuzzy molded over dishes for several months. My bedroom has nary a spot of open floor for all the clothes and crap. I come home early from work, I leave at a reasonable time in the morning. I have no excuse. Yesterday I came home at 4:00. Passed on a wine party with half formed delusions of accomplishing something. Instead I melted into TV/computer coma till bedtime, as I knew I would. I had this surgery because I was tired of the relentlessly inevitable frantic motivated "new plan" "life overhall" "lifestlye change" that always resulted in failure, a period of deluded "whatever" to be rinsed and repeated. Now I feel like I'd kill to have that kind of motivation again. I'm not the same person I was back then. I seem unable to even pretend to muster that degree of fervency. Now, I have this tool, more reason than ever to feel I will succeed, and I don't. Not that I haven't lost weight. If my highest was 285, I'm down 35lbs and that's something. But, it's been four and a half months. If I had used the time better I could have easily lost another 15. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Something is definitely wrong with me. I'm always letting life get away from me, I don't want to do the things that aren't fun. I ignore the things that have to be done so that I can sit and stare at a TV and pretend they don't exist. When I'm at work, all I think about is getting home to smoke and watch tv and do nothing. I am numb. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to take care of things, be ahead of the game. I want to succeed damnit. But instead I just rot and get older and don't achieve any of the things that really matter. I know improving yourself is supposed to be about you, not wanting external things. But really, I want to find a man who I love and would settle down with. I don't really feel confident that I can get as much quality with what I'm carrying around right now. I strongly believe that the sooner I get thinner, the sooner I can attract the kind of man I would want to marry. Yet I sit. I want to have a clean and organized apartment, I want to be someone who washes their sheets more often than every six months. Yet I sit. I want to cook healthy meals and become more compliant with this band. Yet I sit. Why, because it's easy. I've become incredily complacent in my actions, yet internally still want all kinds of things that require hard work and motivation. I only seem to have that in burst form, nothing sustainable. Can that be changed, it it programed somewhere in me? How do I change it? I guess I just suck it up and do it, but I've never been able to before. I guess everything comes one day at a time. I've never really suceeded at those kinds of things. Instead I do big tests that I cram for in a burst of motivation, call nights that come in one big chunk. I can't even remember to regularly take medicine every day, forget vitamins. My inclination is to get excited and say, okay - I will fix this today. I will clean everything, wash everything, plan the perfect grocery list. Make the perfect meals today. I will make a list of things to do and check them off one by one. But tomorrow there will be new things, and the next day and the next day. I can't ever really get ahead of life. Burying my ass in the couch and resting saying "ah, finally it's all done." Never going to happen. I cringe at the thought. There will always be something I have to take care of. How does everyone else do it? It overwhelms me. I suppose I can think of my strengths and incorporate them into a strategy? Fuck it. :angry What can I do today, that's all I can think about right now. Today: I can: Clean up my kitchen in probably about 30 minutes. I can take out the garbage and probably even muster the strength to clean out a few of the nasy fridge pots. I can: Tidy and vacuum my living room I can: Find my Step 3 registration and put postage on it and put it in a mailbox. I can: Tidy the bathroom I can: Do a couple loads of laundry I can: Put the registration sticker on my car. I can: Go get a new DVD player I can: Buy a dresser I can: Go grocery shopping after deciding on food for the week. I can: write a thank you letter to penny I can: sit on my ass all day and do nothing I can: exercise So I transferred these things to a list. I can get through all this in the next two days. However, afterwards, there will be more laundry and more cleaning and more crappy tasks. It will never all be done for good. Ok, so now I have to take action. I don't generally start doing that until I can somewhat visualize a course of events. I can get up, stretch, go put on my comfy jeans and a nice casual top. I can go to dunkys and to get cigs, get some preliminary groceries. In the mean time, putting the sticker on my car. (If it's still there, I have some doubt as I've heard a cacophany of car alarm in the past half hour). I could also find my usmle thing and mail it on the way down. In fact, I could also start a load of towels/sheets on my way. So, amended plan.... Get dressed, put on makeup. Gather a load of towels and sheets, put dryer sheets in purse. Find my uslme thing and put it in an envelope with postage. Go downstairs, drop off the laundry, go to dunkins and get coffee, walk up to the quick-e-mart and get a three pack of cigs. Go to harvest market and get some preliminary groceries. Come back and switch laundry load using handy dryer sheets that I've already got with me. Go upstairs and put in the ipod, you have an hour to clean kitchen and empty out nasty pots before laundry is done.