MarySue33

I've done a lot of internet dating over the years and I used to fret and worry about my size and what they would think when they met me, even though they had seen current pictures of me. (Pics were current, but nothing full length -- only current head and shoulders pics.) I overcompensated by feeling that I had to give them a lengthy email explanation when we decided to meet about how I was fatter than I looked in the picture (kind of like 'objects in the mirror are closer than they appear to be'). The 'real' guys just shook their heads and said, "If I wanted a skinny girl, I would have picked a skinny girl. I already knew that you were not tiny. I like the person that you are -- not the size." (I guess the face gave it away, eh?). Other guys (who would not have been a good fit for me, anyway) just faded away and we never met. That was fine with me, too. I would much rather know it sooner than later. I have since stopped apologizing for myself. I am nearly 50 years old and I'm more in the 'what you see is what you get' mode. This is who I am...take it or leave it. Quite honestly, dating has been a whole lot more fun lately, too. I think it is because I don't stress and obsess about my weight and I just go out and enjoy myself. I asked an old boyfriend once how much of a factor my weight is going to be in dating and he said that once someone meets me and my bubbly personality, the last thing they are thinking about is my weight. I am relaxed and I can be myself. I, personally, would not tell a new guy about my lap band yet. I figure if there is a guy who seems like a keeper (and we don't know that right away -- let him prove himself) then I would tell him about my band. I have had a hysterectomy, too, but I don't share that info with dates early on, either. That's the way I look at it, anyway. I'm a more private person than some about this sort of thing and have not shared my surgery info with anyone except my family and three close friends. If it were me, I would take time to get to know him first and then decide if he is 'worthy' of telling. I can date and eat like a bandster discreetly on a date or at a luncheon and nobody is any the wiser. I order fish and smaller portions and I take my leftovers home. That is what skinny people do every day and they don't offer up explanations. In fact, I have come to realize that the band forces me to eat like a thin person does naturally. My daughter is tiny and has always eaten like I am eating now. Nobody has ever commented about how little she eats and, unless we draw attention to ourselves, I have a hunch nobody will really notice how little we eat on dates, either. Anyway...that's my two cents for what it's worth!

That was the same impression I got when I saw her on one of the late night shows a few weeks ago. She made the comment about how she was able to 'outsmart' the band. We all can do that if we want to with soft calories, but why do that? I didn't see today's show, but after reading the transcript and seeing that she had moved 27 times in 25 years, maybe she is just someone who is never happy with what she has. I think I said in a previous post that I think she might be 'addicted to change' and this transcript certainly added to that feeling.

I saw her on either Letterman or Leno about a month ago promoting her new book (the same thing she will probably be doing on Dr. Phil tomorrow). At the time, she definitely said it was a band and that she lost about 125# with the band. She said she was having it removed because she had 'become too clever for it' and could find ways to eat around it. I'm still not sure why she wants it removed, though. It did not sound like she was having any trouble with it -- just that she wanted to give it a try without it. Of course, she has also had about a quarter of a million dollars worth of plastic surgery, if I remember correctly. Maybe she is just addicted to change?

I'm only two months post op, but I can tell you already that 'this too shall pass' and you will be on the road to being a healthy bandster in no time. Those first few weeks post-op are brutal -- between feeling lousy and not getting to eat real food. Hang in there, make an appointment with a therapist if you need to, and give it a chance to do what it is supposed to do. Your body has just gone through a big change and the adjustments you will have to make will be both physical and emotional/mental. You've already taken a good first step...this is a great place for support.

My doctor required it up front -- cash or credit card meant you could schedule right away. With a check, they said they needed to wait until it cleared before scheduling surgery. There is a company called Care Credit (www.carecredit.com) that a lot of healthcare practitioners take. I know I saw their brochures in my doctor's office. I just went to their website and they have a payment calculator to give you an idea as to what your payments would be based on the cost of your surgery. Hope it helps...

Boars Head is one of the best...but still be careful to watch your sodium on any deli meats. My ex and I used to own a deli and I always 'thought' I was eating healthy, but there are a lot healthier choices you can make. Yum, though...I love their meats!

No offense taken...to either of you...but thanks for the clarification. It is appreciated.

Nope...I was not including them in the group of bystanders who opted to turn their heads the other way and wring their hands. It was the 'adults' that I was talking about -- the ones who stepped away. My kids were just kids. However, I have no doubt that even though my son was a freshman in HS at the time and my daughter was still in college, they would have jumped in to protect their mom -- had it come to that. I'm not sure how much help it would have been, though, as she weighs all of about 110#,but I am confident that they would have done the right thing. I am a single mom and we have become quite a team over the years. I know that there have been other times where they have stood up to others at school if they were picking on kids, so I have no doubt they would have helped their mom in a time like this.

I don't know that it is a matter of being harsh, as much as it is a matter of setting a reasonable expectation that college is part of the real world. Yes...it is challenging and all brand new for them, but that is part of growing up and moving forward in life. I'm telling you guys...it is another sign of this whole 'entitlement generation' that we have raised. The school system I work for (I hire teachers for a living) has a great program that allows teachers in critical shortage areas (in my case, it is English and Spanish teachers) to pursue an 'alternate pathway' to certification -- a partnership that we have established with a local college to allow them to take the GRADUATE coursework required (graduate is emphasized here for reasons that will become clear in a moment) to not only earn their teacher certification, but also to complete the bulk of their coursework toward their master's degrees. The program is a great deal for them. They pay less than 25% of the cost of their coursework (the school and college pick up the rest of the tab), they earn a regular teacher salary and benefits AND...they get a signing bonus because they are considered highly qualified by the state and NCLB guidelines just by virtue of being in the program. The program involves some heavy duty coaching and mentoring, too, as they are doing the equivalent of their student teaching on the job in their own classrooms -- having had no pedagogical training prior to entering this program. They also whine about that...they think they are experts already and do not need it, even though it is a part of the state's guidelines for the program. It's a great program, but what I have found is that this whole 'entitlement' mentality pervades it much of the time. These are people who are now embarking on their professional careers. They tell us they want to be treated as professionals, yet they do not want to take personal responsibility. As you may remember from your college diploma, it says something about conferring 'all the rights and privileges' associated with the degree...(something to that effect) Well, from what I can tell, about 50% of these folks want all the rights and privileges, but want to take none of the responsibility that goes with it. You guys can probably already tell that I don't sugarcoat anything. I am very clear about the level of expectation of both the job and participation in this program. Keep in mind, that this is a program that is offered to people who would otherwise not be offered a teaching position because, without being in the program, they are not highly qualified in the eyes of NCLB. They are told upfront that, unless they want to sub, this is the ONLY way for them to get a teaching position in our system. I am very upfront with them going in. They agree to everything to get into the door, but once they are hired they whine about EVERYTHING! They don't like the fact that on class day they have a long day. (They only have class one night a week.) They feel that taking the educational coursework is 'beneath' them and that they know it all already. We have had two different profs who refuse to teach them a second term. They turn in sloppy work (one student didn't bother to type his assignments, but scribbled them illegibily on notebook paper), they don't show up to class, they come in late. The list goes on and on. These are behaviors that they would not accept from their middle or high school students and these people are supposed to be 'professionals'. I have taught my own kids forever that with privilege comes responsibility. I am glad that I have, as they have always been commended for the level of maturity that they exhibit, in comparison to a lot of their peers. I am currently working on my MBA. At 47 years old, it is hard for me to cram schoolwork into my already full life, but it is a choice that I make. I have had times when I have had to turn assignments in late due to work or family situations that have taken precedence over my school work. I have a friend who keeps telling me that he thinks I should appeal to the prof to beg for consideration for full credit. I tell him that it is not her problem that I am turning it in late. I knew the policy going in. I have turned in 'A' work that has gotten a 'B' because I was unable to adhere to the deadline. I knew the rules going in. I accept that 'B' and move on. Lauren...I commend you. I think that doing anything less than what you do would be to do them a disservice. They have to grow up sometime. If they don't start to accept responsibility for their actions in college, they will struggle when they hit the 'real' world. Thank you for setting high expectations!

I don't believe what I did was either brave or foolhardy. I was just trying to advocate for someone who was totally helpless in the situation. I never raised my voice, but kept it calm. I just needed to defuse his anger. Had I called 911, he would have been gone by the time the police arrived and who knows what he would have done to that little girl by then. I figure that I kept him from pounding on her as he put her into the car seat, if nothing else. The situation was in a public place and, until he came back after me in the movie line, I was never within striking distance. Of course, had he decided to strike me at that time, the dozen or so people who were standing there would have just watched him beat the crap out of me and would have stood there wringing their hands telling me what they 'would have done' to him while I was lying there on the pavement, based on their reaction to this whole thing. Granted, had he been carrying a gun, it would have been a different story, but he didn't. I could not have lived with myself had I walked away knowing that he was going to hurt that little girl. I think that is a huge part of what is wrong with our society -- that people all turn their heads and say 'not my problem'. I am very level headed and I don't think that anyone who knows me would consider me to be a foolhardy risk taker. I don't regret what I did in that situation if it saved that little girl from being beaten by a man in an absolute rage.

Before you think that I am just a 'bitter old hag' (who actually got that name from a student of hers, as I recall)...I'm looking at it from both sides, but probably just looking at it with a little more maturity and life experience than a 18-22 year old undergrad might...for you see, I am a student, too. I'm working on my MBA right now and every one of my profs makes it very clear from day one how grades are shared with us. I have a hunch that Lauren and everyone in her program probably does the same and that the students know the protocol. All they usually have to do is to re-read the syllabus that was given to them the first day of class. There have been many times that I would have loved to know my grade before all the class grades have been posted. I would never think that I should email one of my profs to ask for the info ahead of time. I am not the only student and this is not the only class that he or she is teaching. I am not the center of her universe...nor should I be. I know that Lauren is taking a lot of heat on this, but just because people have access to email round-the-clock doesn't mean that we have to answer them at THEIR convenience. She probably has office hours. If the student needed to know this information that badly and did not get the immediate reply to her email, she could always stop by then. I still would not tell her what her grade was ahead of the rest of the class because it will just open up a floodgate. Why did you tell THAT student her grade ahead of time, but I had to wait? It's a no-win for the instructor. One more thing...I would not consider her quote from the student's email any sort of breach of the student's privacy. She did not identify the student or the school or the course. Even if she had identified the course or the school, the only one who would know who she was talking about was the student, herself, and maybe she would see that she needs to grow up a bit and learn a little patience. I have had candidates call me on my cell phone (thanks to one of our overly accommodating secretaries) or track me down on my home phone to try to get answers to questions on my off-hours. I don't answer those calls (thanks to Caller ID -- one of my favorite inventions). When I return to the office on Monday, I send a cordial email answering their questions, but also explaining that, while I did receive the message on the weekend, I value my time with my family and I do not answer business calls at home or on my cell phone. Email and cell phones have become 'human leashes', in my opinion. I am veering a bit off topic here, but I know I drive people nuts (family and friends) because I am not available (by my choice) 24/7. I turn my cell phone off and only check my home email once a day. My out of office auto-response says, "I will not be checking my email while I am away. If you need immediate assistance, please contact..." I sometimes feel like I am on a one-woman mission to try to teach people that just because we have the technology to do something does not make it a polite or appropriate thing to do.

Lauren...do I hear you!! I am a recruiter and I have run into the same types of situations with candidates. It's not about reducing the stress of the candidate or the student -- it is about them learning that there is a fine line between being interested and concerned vs. being obnoxious and pushy. I am the queen of customer service and when the situation warrants it, you can be certain that I will go out of my way to be helpful. However, I also see it as a way to discern which candidates have good judgement and which are going to be high maintenance, PITA (my acronym for pains in the arse) employees. One of my best examples... Two years ago I had a candidate who was driving me absolutely nuts. I had been extremely patient with her and had assured her that she would have an interview just as soon as I could schedule it with the hiring manager (who happened to be off-site at a meeting for two days). I had TOLD the candidate that I would get back to her within 72 hours with a response re: her interview time. She found 'excuses' to call me 3 times within about 3 hours and I had had enough of her -- especially since I had assured her during the first two calls that the best way to get her questions answered would be to prepare a list (as in -- ask them all in one phone call and please don't dial me every time another thought comes into your head) and to bring them to her interview. She continued to call and I finally stopped answering her. She was relentless and called the corporate office. I got a call from my boss' secretary just before noon that day and she said, "Mary...I know that you always follow up with candidates right away, but Ms. So and So says you are not returning her calls." I said, "She's right...if she means the four times she has called me since I spoke with her at 9:30 this morning after the four times I spoke with her since yesterday afternoon!" It happens all the time. I always let the hiring managers know about this type of behavior when I schedule the interview. If this is how they are behaving when they are trying to impress us...just think what they'll be like once they don't think they have to impress us anymore. I understand anxiety -- whether it is a student waiting for a grade or a candidate waiting for an interview -- but part of it is the fact that there are an awful lot of this current generation of kids (raised by my age group, I am embarrassed to say) who have never been told 'no' or who have never had to wait for anything less than instant gratification. They whine and stomp their little feet and call mommy and daddy who have bowed to their little darlings wishes forever and don't know how to stop now. It's kind of like watching the kids on those SuperNanny or Nanny911 shows 10 years fast forward. Ugh! I see it all the time with candidates; Laurend sees it all the time with students, I'm sure; you can see it every year during the early stages of American Idol when kids who obviously are not going to be stars have been told by their mommies that they have talent when they have no more singing talent than I do. We have spent so much time working so hard not to hurt their precious little self-esteems that we have not told them 'no' or even 'wait'. We have not taught them that they need to observe proper boundaries, use good judgement and to follow proper protocol. It's part of growing up. Yep...this is a definite rant...but it is one of my biggest pet peeves.

I was on Xenical a while back (for a very short time due to the orange oil -- not to be confused with the stuff you clean with!). I don't remember the exact way they described this lovely side effect, but it was one of those things where as soon as you read the side effects, you knew you were in for something that was not going to be pretty. I just cannot remember how they described it. I had similar problems with Wow! potato chips -- the only difference was that it gave me a helluva bellyache and it wasn't orange -- just oily and always at the most embarrassing times!

I'll take the scars any day over the tummy I had before I started! Between these and the scars from my gall bladder removal, I figure someday when I have grandkids I can give them a marker and they can play connect the dots on Granny's nice, flat tummy!

I experienced something similar a few years ago. I was visiting my daughter and we opted to take in a movie. As we parked the car, I heard a man's voice just screaming obscenities at someone. The way he was talking, I thought it was a young couple having an argument. (Even that would have been bad enough.) As they came around the corner of the car, I saw that he had a beautiful little girl -- about two years old -- who was visibly shaking and sobbing. He was frighteningly out of control. I knew that I had to do something. If nothing else, I figured that I would be able to deflect his anger and rage from her to me for a moment. I said to him, "Excuse me, sir...please don't talk to her like that. I don't know what has just happened, but there is nothing that a child that age could have done to warrant that kind of language." He kept at it. My kids (15 and 21 at the time) just stood there and watched me take this guy on. I thought he might hit me, but I figured it was better than him hitting her. I was scared to let him get into the car with her in that state. He started yelling and swearing at me and told me to mind my own business. I continued, in a calm voice, to try to talk to him. I said, "Please, sir...she is just a little girl. Think about what you are doing." He continued to scream at me and the little girl continued to sob. I was afraid he was going to hit her. I calmly said, "Sir...please...think about what you are doing. You have a beautiful little girl there. Please...stop." After a few minutes, he had focused all his anger at me (which was fine -- I preferred that to his rage being aimed at a two year old). After several minutes, he did not seem angry at her anymore, but I could tell he was furious at me. I said to him, "I will pray for you, sir" and the kids and I headed toward the movies. We had just about got to the ticket line when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him running after us. He got up in my face and started screaming at me that I had no right to tell him how to raise his child. He was totally enraged -- screaming, swearing and coming at me. Do you know that not one person in the line at the movies tried to calm him down? There were probably about 10 other people there -- men and women, alike. Instead, they all just backed away -- moving over into the next line. Finally, the manager came out and asked if she needed to call the police. I told her I thought it was a good idea -- and then, as she talked to him, I slipped inside the building, as I could see that I was now the focus of his rage. I hoped that if I got out of sight he might calm down. She got him to come into the theater and to calm down a bit, but when she asked him if he wanted to let the little girl play for a bit until he calmed down, he flipped out again. Apparently, that had been the problem. He had brought his little girl to the movies and, being two, she did not want to watch the movie -- she just wanted to play. My guess is that he was a single dad who was trying to entertain his little girl, but had no idea how to do so. The theater manager did get him to calm down and it was my hope that they made it home safely. By the time the police arrived, the man had left. The thing that got me about the whole situation, though, was that not one other person stepped up to try to defuse him. Instead, they cowered in the next line. Only after he left did they make comments like, "If my husband was here...he would have said something to him." and they asked me if I was ok. It reminded me of the stuff they do on 20/20 where they stage these sorts of things to see if people will get involved or walk away. I'll probably get myself into trouble sometime, but I cannot stand by and watch someone hurt a child or a woman or an elderly person without saying something. My kids said that they were afraid for me that day, but that they were also proud of me. I didn't even think about it twice...I just knew that I could not let it happen.

I look forward to...getting out of that same plastic chairs mentioned above without it being attached to my rear end as I stand up! I look forward to...being able to get out of a swimming pool without looking like a whale that has just beached itself. I look forward to...not having to stop and pant at the landings of my office before heading up the next flight of stairs. (I work on the top floor of a four-story building with no elevator.) I look forward to...being able to walk 'lightly' and not have every head turn as I clomp up and down those same stairs. I look forward to...not being afraid to sit on wicker furniture at the homes of family and friends. I look forward to...wearing something that doesn't have an 'X' in the size. I look forward to...a bra that doesn't have enough hooks up the back to make the scrap metal guy drool (I know he wasn't drooling at my sexy figure!)

Hang in there... I think you are doing the right thing. After all, once you are divorced he will not be able to 'hog' the kids for every holiday. It is not unfair at all for you to want to have your kids with you at Christmas. I would not give the permission, either. I also would not respond to any email rant that he may send your way because he will be angry that you have stood your ground. I'm very proud of you! Question, though...if you two are living in the same house...why bother with the emails? If it were me, I probably wouldn't even bother to answer his emails, but that's just me. As far as the apricot nectar, maybe you should start keeping a stash of it at work instead of at home. Or keep it tucked away somewhere he might not think to look. I know when I was going through my divorce, I would keep a lot of stuff in the trunk of my car. However, if he takes your car whenever he wants to, that wouldn't work too well. Also, I lived in a northern climate and I could use my trunk as a refrigerator in the winter. That might be a little trickier in Arizona. Hang in there...Christmas will be difficult, but you're headed the right direction. The key is not to stoop to his level and keep on taking the high road. Sending you hugs...

I definitely get the jaw thing. I don't think it is from chewing or clenching, as it happens when I start to get to the point where I have had enough. I don't get it every time, but I have had it more than a few times -- enough that I feel like it is related to my level of satiety. I also can tell when I am getting to the point where I need to stop when I feel like the food is starting to go down my esophagus more slowly -- as if it is filling up to the top. I am still new at this and, while I have not yet PB'd, I have slimed a few times so far. Usually, I have a signal (I just need to listen to my body) which is telling me to slow down or to stop, but it is when I take that 'one last mouthful'. I can tell when I am chewing that it is going to be trouble if I swallow. The past few days I have had the good sense to either not take that last bite or to spit out what I have already got in my mouth before swallowing. That has helped. I'm learning...

I am nowhere near the point where I need to worry about this yet, but one of the things that I have been researching a bit is thermage. I know that they usually do it on faces and necks, but I have seen some pics of results of what they are doing with the flabby 'doughy' stomachs and, if you don't have a ton of excess skin and just want to tighten it up without surgery, it looks like it might be a great option.

I know that you are getting a lot of advice to play the game his way, but I still think you should take the high road. You will be glad that you did later down the road. However, keep in mind that there is a HUGE difference between taking the high road and being a doormat. My advice today may seem harsh,but it's realistic. I agree with whoever told you to STOP paying half of everything. I would not pay for anything except my personal stuff until you go to court. Any credit you have is joint. He is not going to want it to go bad. He won't let the utilities get shut off and he won't let your daughter starve. If I were you, I would immediately stop the tit-for-tat. It is just wasted energy and it serves no purpose. Plus, it lets him know that he can suck you into his games. Just stop doing it. It doesn't mean he wins...it means YOU win. You retain your dignity and your self-respect. He may make you want to scream, but if you respond to his antics in kind, all it does is show him that he is getting to you -- and that only fuels this crap. You lived without the avacadoes a week before his trip; you can live without them for another week. It's not worth the battle. Trust me. Don't get so wrapped up in the day to day drama that you have no energy left for the really important stuff. Right now is the time to start planning your future. If you get so bogged down in the day to day stuff that doesn't even matter, you will not be ready to move onto your new life when the time comes. Planning and preparing for your new life (without flaunting it in his face -- just quietly do it and keep moving forward) will not only be a smart move for the future of you and your daughter, it will also keep you so busy with positive things that you will not have time to waste on the stupid little negative things.

I get my first fill in the morning, but everyone I have met who has a band has told me that their fills don't seem to 'kick in' for 6-10 days.

The only gifts I will be buying will be for my kids and even then we keep things very small scale. My parents have everything they need and they ask us not to buy them anything. I have not bought for anyone else for years. The rest of my family and friends know that I would rather give something to someone who has less than we do and I always ask that they just donate something to the charity of their choice instead of giving us gifts. I also opt out of the $10 gift exchanges at work, etc. and choose to contribute that money to a charity, instead. I really have an issue with an office full of 45 people throwing away nearly $500 on buying useless crap for each other when we all already have far more than most people on this planet. I don't know about you, but I really don't need another bath soap, scented candle or stationery set. If I am forced to participate in these types of things, I just re-gift the useless $10 item that I got the year before. If anyone ever comments that they recognize their gift coming back, I will just tell them that I prefer to spend my money on things for people who need them. Maybe they will figure it out...someday. I have been truly blessed this year and will be able to donate to a number of charities and volunteer projects - even more than usual. The most unique thing we will be doing will be to contribute dairy goats to families in third world countries to give them a leg up and to help them to feed their families. I am excited about that, especially since I used to raise dairy goats, myself.

Again...I agree with Margaret. What really matters is that you get him out of that house. Period. I slept on the sofa for the final nine months of my marriage. It was not the most comfortable, but it caused less drama and I got more sleep than I would have in the same bed as him. Definitely, think long term. Keep in mind that everything you do from this point forward will impact you and your kids for years to come. As hard as it is -- especially with a control freak for a husband -- take the emotion out of it. Decisions from this point forward need to be based on practicalities, logistics and your family's future (by family, I mean you and your kids) and NOT either as a reaction to his behavior or to get to him. It's not worth it. The best revenge (for lack of a better word) will be the fact that you will be living a peaceful and happy life without him. I know it is easy to get sucked into his little games, but just don't do it. Barbara is right. He will be cocky and riding high after the pity party he probably had all weekend with the relatives -- and every one of them giving advice to him and egging him on. Be ready...be strong...and keep in mind that after all these years of marriage, he knows EXACTLY which buttons to push to get you worked up...so beat him at his own game and don't react. Take a walk, read a book, go for a drive or put on headphones and listen to soothing music in the bathtub. Do whatever it takes to add peace to your home and to reduce the drama -- for your daughter's sake...and for your own sanity. Hang in there...it will get worse before it gets better...but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs...

My response is pretty much the same thing as the rest..." I'm watching what I eat, eliminating soda and extra sugar from my diet and starting to move more. Thanks for noticing. I'm hoping that THIS time I will actually be able to keep it off." (They have all seen me go up and down over the years...so the new weight loss is nothing new. I am sure they are just all waiting for me to fall off the wagon and balloon up again.)