Hi Everyone,
Normally, I wouldn't put all my business out on the internet like this but I'm feeling stressed and am trying to be proactive and connect with others who know how life is in our condition.
Last week I went to my first consultation and the next few weeks I am going to do a bunch of appointments to get approved for surgery. Today I went for my physical therapist appointment and had to prove that I'm healthy enough to do exercise after surgery. I already exercise quite a bit. I did however feel a bit as though the therapist was trying to be thoughtful of my feelings as they relate to not saying out loud exactly what type of surgery I am having, which I appreciate.
The tough part of all of this is that after attending the seminar and just paying attention to myself since my first appointment I think I'm coming to see myself the way I am to others. Morbidly obese. It makes me so sad. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? I'm so angry at myself! I know that we're all struggling but at a certain point, where do we delineate personal responsibility for our own actions? I've always been taught to be responsible for my actions and I just think that at some point, I should be responsible for being this big.
I never wanted to be big. I don't think any of us do. I'm a bright, friendly, confident woman with lots to offer the world. Maybe I have a problem with valuing myself and that's why I eat.
I have a lot of fear about this whole process. What if I fail? I have always failed at weight loss. What if I'm just a self destructive person by nature and transfer my addiction to food to something else? I want to be a healthy, happy, loving person who contributes positivity and light to this world.
Sorry to rant, but I just really need to connect to those who get it. Thanks for reading.