me-again

HELLO ALL, I AM A 41 YR OLD STAY AT HOME MOM WITH SIX CHILDREN BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF(5 OF WHICH I HAD NATURALLY). I STARTED OFF ABOUT 15 YRS AGO WITH A HUGE PERSONAL TRAGEDY WHICH LEFT ME BRUISED ALMOST TO MY CORE. BUT I SURVIVED.

I MET MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND A COUPLE YEARS AFTER AND WE HIT IT OFF QUICKLY AND WE"VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE. I IMMEDIATELY STARTING GAINING WEIGHT AFTER I MET MY HUSBAND. YES I'D GAINED ABOUT 15 LBS BY THE TIME WE WENT ON OUR HONEYMOON, OUCH! NEEDLESS TO SAY,THE WEIGHT CONTINUED TO PILE ON AND BY THE FIFTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE, I'D GAINED ABOUT 60LBS! THAT SIXTH YEAR WE GOT PREGNANT WHICH WE'D BEEN TRYING TO DO, BABY HAD COMPLICATIONS BUT IS HEALTHY AND BEAUTIFUL TODAY. BUT 2 1/2 YRS LATER WE HAD ANOTHER CHILD! IT WAS WONDERFUL AND MY HUSBAND WAS SUCH A BLESSED MAN TO CONTINUE TO DO ALL THAT HE WAS DOING. AFTER BABY, I'D BALLOONED TO 212LBS. I GOT BUSY BEING MOMMY AND WIFE AND RELEARNING LIFE AND MY ROLE AS A WIFE AS OPPOSED TO A SINGLE MOTHER AND IT WAS CHALLENGING. AS i PUT MY FOCUS ON EVERYONE ELSE, I LOST MYSELF. I LOST MY SINCE OF HUMOR, MY SHAPE, MY DETERMINATION TO GET THINGS A WANTED, I LOST MY DRIVE. I COULD NOT PUT MYSELF FIRST BECAUSE IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT, RIGHT? WHEN I WOULD TRY TO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF LIKE BUYING CLOTHES, I'D TAKE THEM BACK! IT WAS JUST CRAZY. WELL IT CAUSED PROBLEMS WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF AND I GAINED EVEN MORE WEIGHT. I AM NOW, 15 YRS MARRIED AND WEIGHING 238LBS @ 5'4"! WHEN I MET MY HUSBAND I WEIGHED 120LBS, YIKES! THOUGH I NEVER WANT TO WEIGH 120LBS AGAIN, I WOULD LOVE TO MAKE IT TO 135-140ISH.

ANYWAY KNOWING I HAD THESE ISSUES WITH MYSELF, WANTING TO LOOK GOOD AGAIN AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF, IN THESE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY INSIDE MAN. TRYING TO COME TO THE REALITY THAT MY BODY WILL NEVER BE WHAT IT ONCE WAS. I'M FINALLY OKAY WITH THAT. OF COURSE I'VE THROUGH THE YEARS DID THE SOME OF THE STRANGE DIETS OUT THERE THAT WAS CHEAP BECAUSE WITH 6 CHILDREN AND ONE PARENT WORKING, WE HAD TO MAKE SACRIFICES. CABBAGE SOUP DIET, VINEGAR AND JUICE DIET, DIETER'S TEA, SEX DIET (LOST 30 LBS IN A MONTH JUST BY HAVING LOTS OF SEX), FASTING( LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT SO MANY TIMES), PILLS THAT MADE MY HEART SLOW DOWN AND LEFT ME DRAINED, DIDN'T DO THAT FOR LONG, CHICKEN AND SMALL SERVING SIZE VEGGIES (I WAS SO HUNGRY I WAS ALMOST COMBATIVE, LOL), WORK OUT WITH FRIENDS, WALKED WITH FRIENDS, GYM (TOTALLY FELT OUT OF PLACE), WDW, AND CURVES. THROUGH THE YEARS, LIKE MANY OF YOU, I'VE DONE SO MANY THINGS UNSUCCESSFULLY AND NOW I'M JUST AT THE POINT TO WHERE I'M TIRED, I'M READY FOR MY LIFE BACK! I'VE WATCHED MY CHILDREN GROW UP AND HALF OF THEM ARE GONE NOW AND ALL THEY PROBABLY IS MOM TAKING IT EASY. OR THEY WOULD CAUTION MOM WHEN WE'D GO PLACES, SO THAT MOMMY DON'T HURT HERSELF. I'M NOT DEAD YET. I STILL HAVE SO MUCH LIFE IN ME. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THAT WOMAN MY HUSBAND THOUGH HE WAS GETTING WHEN WE GOT MARRIED. HE HAS HAD TO CARRY US SO MUCH AND I WANT GIVE BACK TO HIM NOW. I'M READY TO BE AN ACTIVE PARENT AGAIN AND NOT JUST SAYING I'M NOT GOING IT'S TO HOT, I'M TOO FAT, MY YOUNGEST CHILDREN THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I TRIPPED GOING UP THE STAIRS THE OTHER DAY AND MY BABY WAS THERE IN A FLASH SAYING, IT'S OKAY MOMMY," THAT MAKES ME SAD. I HAVE RELATIVES THAT TELL ME I OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF AND I HEAR THAT CONSTANTLY. NOT KNOWING IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER FOR ME TO GO OUTSIDE.

I'M NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF. THIS STRUGGLE WITH WEIGHT HAS TAKEN ME TO SOME SCARY PLACES BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD I'M STILL HERE. I WILL GET THE VSG AND I WILL BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE. EVEN THOUGH TRICARE ISN'T COVERING RIGHT NOW, I BELIEVE GOD IS WORKING ON MY SIDE AND I HAVE FAVOR WITH HIM AND MAN AND THIS WILL HAPPEN FOR ME IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I WANT TO BE GUIDED BY GOD TO REACH HIGHER PLACE THAT I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE RIGHT NOW. I BELIEVE IN GOD AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND I HOLD ON TO THAT AS I WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN JOIN YOU ALL ON THE, NOT JUST LOSERS BUT WINNERS BENCH!