green

Thanx, kid. You always say the nicest things. :kiss2: +

IMFine, I have a strong hunch that I may have accidently hit upon something. You do have all the control in all the other areas of your life together. You are the sturdy, strong one. You are doing all the work which is traditionally considered to belong to the man of the house - the repairs - and you do the shopping, the cleaning, etc. You are also engaged in academic work. As you yourself have said, you are very self sufficient. And you are a decade younger and your mate is looking at a future in a wheelchair. You do indeed hold all the high cards in this relationship and men are strange creatures: the fact that you adore him and have chosen to be with him is not going to erase the fact that in his mind you hold all the high cards. Your loving man must feel himself to be in a very tenuous position. My heart goes out to both of you. You both sound like splendid people. By withholding sex from you he manages to re-establish a measure of control/power/self-respect. In order to obtain sex from this man you are going to have to show yourself as vulnerable and weak and dependent on him in some other area. The question is how will you be able to do this? I am going to ask you a further question to which you do not have to post an anwer on this thread but an interesting question all the same: how does your mate view your current weight loss work? I am asking you to think about this because I have read many posts where sister LBTers find that they experience resistance from those who are closest to them, their families and their mates. Both family and mates can be awfully threatened when we decide to mend ourselves even when they believe that they wish nothing but the best for us. Your man sounds like a fine man and the last thing that you must ever display in your negotiations with him is any sense of pity. Give a man pity and you may as well chop off his balls.

I just love this thread. I find it fascinating. As a Canuck I have always been so used to shucking my shoes, and I have got to confess that I absolutely hate wearing footwear, that once I learned that this wasn't done south of the border I began to feel very, very nervous about ever visiting American homes. I figured that I might freak folks out what with my tendency to drop shoes at the mere sight of a foyer. (I am real good about leaving the rest of my clothes on, eh. ) Bitter has, however, made a good point in her earlier post, the one describing her visit to a home in England. Some footwear is more elaborate and this will cause additional problems when it comes this biz of taking them off and putting them back on again. I have never really thought about this since shoe removal is the way of the Canuck and many of us Canucks do have a chair near the front door, a critical item for older folks and winter boots. At the same time, there is indeed this issue of elderly/handicapped/chubby folk and the dreary routine of shoe removal and then gittin' 'em back on agin. My mother-in-law is a typical Canuck. She is a clean freak who immigrated here from Germany. We are required to remove our shoes when entering her cottage as well as her house. And she will scream at anyone who forgets this rule. My parents were also fussy. They had broadloom. I am kind of casual. I have hardwood floors, oriental rugs, and a kitchen floor which is tiled in the exact colour of dirt. I take my shoes off because I hate wearing anything, including socks, on my feet. I always have. I once saw photos of a Japanese woodworking shop and was ever so impressed because the workers were barefooted. I tried working barefooted in my first bluecollar gig. This didn't last long. Long post, eh.

I was going to suggest something along the same lines. If you and your husband are both comfortable with it, you might consider having sex on a regular basis with another guy, maybe someone whom you know who is recovering from a divorce and who is lonely for a little physical action. And if your husband is not comfortable with this arrangement, well, he better step up to the bat. Like most women I am uncomfortable around porn but I don't necessarily see a man's interest in porn and self-pleasuring as a bad thing until he opts for this activity at the expense of meeting the needs and desires of his mate. Your husband may say that he loves you and I am sure that he does but he is being very, very selfish when he flatly refuses to make love with you and yet will masturbate while watching porn. With respect to the emotional structure of your partnership, this places him in the position of being the one who is in control of the relationship. He is continually denying you something which you badly need out of the relationship and which you have repeatedly asked him for. In this respect your marriage is not an equal one. By the way, it occurs to me to wonder if you hold more power than him in some other area and that this might perhaps make your husband feel like less of a man; are you better educated? do you earn more? did you bring more property into the marriage? If so, his withholding of sex could be a subconscious response to having his sense of manhood eroded in another, and entirely separate arena of your relationsip. Please be aware that I am just goofing with my own thoughts here - this is just an idea which suddenly occurred to me while writing this post. Certainly a man who claims to be deeply in love with his wife and who continually demonstrates his affection on every other level and who is, moreover, neither homosexual nor suffering from medical issues which would make sexual performance difficult or impossible, is up to other shennanigans or has other problems, ones of a psychological nature. It strikes me that your husband's plumbing is working. This would indicate that there is a major problem going on between the ears. If you want this marriage to improve, then I would suggest that you first seek out a therapist for yourself and once you have clarified your issues you can move onto dealing with your husband's issues. Now, I must emphasize that the only reason that I suggest that you see a therapist is in order that you might be able to discuss the problem you have with your husband, your own feelings of frustration and rejection, and perhaps figure out certain constructive approaches to dealing with him and it.

:bounce:It was a dark period of my life, it is true.... And thank you for yer kind words of support but you can go ahead and laugh if you really want to. :heh: Yer friend, once known as Bozo the Green!

BB - that is one helluva funny story now that you lived to tell the tale! Devana - I wear my hair much the same way as you, cut straight a little below the jawline and with bangs. I can wear it this way now because it is less curly and frizzy than it was when I was younger. In fact I have been doing this style for a number of years now and I go to this gorgeous woman who operates her own little salon in the neighbourhood. She charges 15 bucks for a wash and a haircut, including blow dry, and I give her a 20. She is a very nice woman and her salon usually has one or two people in it who have just stopped by in order to chat. It is a cosy place to hang out in. And Ashanti gives great hair! BB - my hair is a kind of reddish blonde and I do have large feet! That is part of what made that bluddy Ronald MacDonald doo so horrible. Arghhhhhhh!

I once had a disasterous experience in an uptown fancy hair salon. A friend of mine had fabulous hair and she recommended her stylist to me. In those days I was dealing with my kinda curly/frizzy hair by getting it permed. My theory at the time was that the frizz would all go in the same direction. :phanvan Well, I phoned the salon up to book an appt and to get a quote. While I was having my hair worked on they stuffed me full gourmet cake, gourmet coffee, and compliments on my clothes. This very attentive service had the effect of making me very nervous for I don't enjoy getting my hair done anymore than I like going to the dentist. :rolleyes The insults to my sense of self-esteem began as I was leaving; they charged me a further 30 bucks over the quote and I left the joint looking like Bozo the Clown. :omg: This evil head job was done in October and I still looked foul by the end of December. This was particularly humiliating to me because I was spending much of that holiday in Paris visiting with friends. Hanging out in Paris while you are suffering from a bad hair year ain't fun! Oh, but that was a terrible experience! I did tip the bastards, though. :tired

Well, there some fundamental differences between our two countries, BJean. Canada is a profoundly secular country with respect to the separation of church and state. In this we are much more like many of the European countries, particularly the Scandinavian ones. To date we have never seen such right-wing religious pundits carry any political weight at all, most certainly there are no Jerry Falwells, Oral Roberts, and the like north of the border. Indeed we have a tendency to lean over backwards in order to accomodate our pluralities and this is generally not a bad thing. But the government of Ontario was seriously considering recognizing Shar'ia law as a code by which our Muslim faction could deal with non-criminal issues between themselves. They were considering this because they had already granted Mosaic law this recognition. It was only when many of us protested that the government was forced to renege on Shar'ia and on their recognition of Mosaic law. All of this lengthy blah-blah is to say that I sometimes feel that our government, one which is profoundly secular and is, moreover, sensitive to the feelings of our various social, cultural, and religious/a-religious folks, is inclined to go overboard in banning symbols which are as much cultural as religious from public life. The dramas which go on at Christmas time can be a little nutsy. And let us not forget that Christians are citizens, too. What makes me uncomfortable when I observe the mindset south of the border is the assumption which a significant number of people hold that their beliefs must perforce be everyone's beliefs, that they are the only right beliefs, and that it is "my way or the highway." These are people who seek to shut down debate and ultimately wish to act in a most undemocratic fashion for they are not prepared to recognise that anyone else may have a valid point of view. I also feel that God really has no place at all in the business of the state. The state is the state and certainly none of the purely secular western European states, nor Canada for that matter, have immoral or repressive legal systems. (Those of you who wish to cite Communism as repressive should be aware that this system, originally an economic system, had been elevated by the tyrants who ran or still run those countries into something like a secular religion. They have done this for their ends: to keep the power in their own hands.) Of course there are many, many splendid Christians! I just don't feel comfortable with the ones who act like bullies, either at home or abroad. (George W would have done much better reading up on the recent history, and the geo-political realities of the Middle East instead of reading his Bible before entering into this ill-advised war with Iraq.)

Congratulations on your bandiversary. Your before and after photos are amazing. You have come a long way in just one year and you look terrific!

At the clinic where I had my banding done, the policy was to treat all patients without the kind of co-morbities which might complicate the operation as day patients and the surgery would be performed in the clinic. Patients who might run into difficulties due to co-morbities would be operated on at a hospital and they would be kept there overnight.

Thanks, Devana, for this recipe. I assume that I can find the ingredients at a health food store?

I am glad that I have always had relatively smallish boobs. The largest they crawled up to was a C-cup. I also find bras fiendishly uncomfortable to wear and never wear them in the house. I do have to wear them outside, however, because otherwise it looks like I am housing a pair of crazed rats underneath my shirt when I walk. I always wear jog bras. They are the least annoying. They are old boobs; I now fail the pencil test. Ugh! :phanvan

Omigawd, her reproductives must be just so baggy by now that if she sneezes she risks having her womb fall out and dangle between her legs! :faint:I'll bet they probably don't have many hobbies. :phanvan

This is my concern as well for although I am an atheist I have no problem with the notion of belief. The country I live in has become a secular one and now is sometimes inclined to carry political correctness to what I believe are idiotic levels. I will now prove this to you by providing you with a couple of examples. Upon receiving the complaint of a Jewish female judge a Christmas tree which was standing in the lobby of a courthouse in Toronto was removed. Most Torontonians who troubled to write into the newspapers about this were disgusted. Teachers in our public schools are now required to refer to the upcoming Christmas holidays as winter holidays even though these holidays exist because they are folded around the Christmas event. Such signs of this time of year, the Christmas tree (originally a pagan tradition), the carols, the creches are as much of our cultural tradition as they are specific to Christianity and I think that as such they have a right to exist. I think that they enliven the social environment. What concerns me is exactly what Mark so nicely stated above, that there are certain Christians who will try to force others to "live by their moral code."

I like your post, Future. I am one of those who counts in the tip as part of the price of going to the restaurant, taking a cab, or getting your hair done. Where we differ is that I will give a lousy tip for lousy service at a restaurant though in the case of an obvious newbie I wouldn't be likely to do so.

I was thinking about this topic just the other day because we had some visitors whom we hadn't seen for many years. When they entered the house they straight away took off their shoes. How Canadian we all are, I thought. We have hardwood floors and a bunch of oriental rugs. They are much better for not showing dirt.

It's a funny thing, BJean, but over the years I have watched all my middle-aged GFs succumb to delicate digestive tracts and I was very proud that my own was still behaving like it was made out of cast iron. :heh: Caffeine and hot spicy foods bothered me not one bit! Now look how this grrl has fallen.... *sniff* I swear I think I am about ready to burst into tears over this mess. :think Argh!

Hah! I never spotted the a joke but then I am a blondie, you know. As to the other stuff, I have given up chocolate, cut my coffee consumption down to one lousy cup in the ayem, am taking a prevacid clone (omeprazole), am taking lots of Tums on the recommendation of my pharmacist, have given up on spicy foods (a real tragedy), have found suitable boards for the bed and have sent my husband off to the cottage with orders to cut them so that we can stack them. I have been less successful with the smoking and drinking as we've been through quite a run of being surpised by visitors - all of them folks who we hadn't seen for a long time. Smoking and drinking seem to go with hospitality for this grrl. Oh yah, I do have acidophilous and I take it whenever I remember. It is good stuff. Thank you, my friend, for the love and care. Green really appreciates it.

Blerff! sez Green, eh. I am not a happy camper. I continue to sound like a goodfellah and I do have serious problems with sleeping. These are due to throat pain, a desire to cough, cough, cough, and the tragic revisitation of unwonted dysentery - complete with cramps, eh, sez Green. Many of you will have noticed Green's fondness for an um er reliancy on peppering her commentaries with eh, eh. She only does this in order to remind you that she is a furreigner, a Canuck in fact, and she wishes to acknowledge her Great White Roots, eh. The truth is that Green is not feeling very welll at the moment. Though she is now a thinnish kind of broad she is suffering from some kind of violent acid reflux crap. And she is drifting back into the zone of unwonted intestinal cramps, etc.......... !! None of these experiences equal happy days for the kinda ruined Green.

And it follows that America is now under attack for America is now under pressure to declare itself as a specifically Christian country. It strikes me that the founding fathers of America were awfully careful to skirt around this issue when they were labouring over the Constitution. It also strikes me that the only other modern countries which seek to tether their sense of self to a strictly religious definition of self are the Islamic countries. Such countries are rightfully referred to as theocracies. It is true that I become chippy when I note any intention on the part of Canada's fabulous southern neighbour to drift into the zone of screw-up. And it is true that I have even met Americans who claim that I am anti-Yank. Hah! They are like so wrong...., sez Green in valley-speak. I am crazy about the U.S. and this is why I am so anxious that the doors to intellectual debate remain open. You all live in a country which has great valuable. End of Green's boring sermon. And she wishes to present you all with her appologies, eh. :heh::heh::heh:

Thank you, L8, for the above response. To tell you the truth, one of the things that I prize about living in the west is that we are able to come together on a website like this one and discuss these matters without personal prejudice. I find this to be extraordinary and certainly not an option available in ever so many parts of the world. We are lucky folks, are we not? I guess what I am proposing is not that atheists get to decide for the rest of you but simply that the atheist point of view might properly be considered to be the default point of view on the abortion issue. By leaving the civil law where it currently stands those individuals who find abortion to be morally repugnant can opt out of engaging in this activity. This would mean that no woman would be forced to have an abortion against her will and no doctor, nurse, or pharmacist who found themselves uncomfortable with aiding and abetting an abortion would be forced to do so. Such legislation will allow those individuals who do not subscribe to this moral ideology to have the freedom to opt out of aborting or assisting in an abortion. It is also to be expected that those individuals who are seeking abortions will be correctly advised when they wander into the arms of pro-life groups, the ones who mask their intentions by claiming that they are pro-choice. I guess what I would like to see is a level playing ground. For sure those people who are anti-abortion must have the right to present their point of view and to proffer options. Equally, the right to opt for an abortion must not be taken away from women.

Interesting stuff has been said on the subject of pornography but I would like to hear some of the male members of LBT weigh in on this subject. I am very aware that we women tend to have a different reaction to pornography than men do. We sure ain't hardwired for visual cues when it comes to sex. We prefer romantic/erotic texts, stinky candles, smelly oils, champagne and a host of other elaborate preparations. Watching close-ups of genitals isn't going to work for us. We are inclined to find this material as being gross or at least capable of leaving us squirming in our seats with discomfort. I do have to confess, however, that there were times when I have profitted from catching a boyfriend watching porn. Crudely put, the dude has his equipment in primo working order and it didn't take much work on Green's part to use this to her advantage. :heh::heh::heh: Green is a practical grrl.

I can certainly understand your position. We do indeed all have our own belief systems. The Hindus believe that it is a wicked act to eat an animal or even to crush an insect for these creatures are but ourselves, the sole difference being that these individuals are in a different stage of becoming sufficiently mature to meet up with God, the final point of our earthly journeys. Although I am an atheist our real difference is that I do not believe that the rights of foetus trump that of the host body or, to express this more humanely, the mother. Apart from that and the fact that I find myself unable to believe in a supernatural Being, we really are much the same. Like yourself I am anxious to see that those who live around me live well and I will help them whenever I see that they are suffering. I am also concerned about the larger ethical issues which are currently in play and which may affect the world in which we live. This is why I do a lot of reading up on such matters and this is why I consider that it is important that I engage in the type of discussions which are available here on Rant and Raves. It is just such a fine thing that we are all able to discuss and swap ideas, isn't it? I certainly do not mean to disrespect you for believing in God and I was sincere when I told you how much I appreciated your account of your own early pregnancy. Indeed, your account touched me very much. I can certainly see that to a Christian abortion is not just about a woman's body. This makes sense within the framework of your beliefs. What I am saying is that there are other folks who do not share this belief system and to insist upon imposing your beliefs upon the civil framework of a country which was founded upon the vision of a secular and civil democracy, not a theocracy, is simply wrong-headed. This is why I suggest that no Christian be forced to involved him or herself directly in this business of abortion. At the same time you must understand that your religious beliefs are yours and thus must not be allowed to inform public policy.

Your mum is right. My ex-husband's infidelities and the fact that I was the sole regular wage earner (he was a musician) certainly blew up that marriage pretty quickly. :omg:

That's a fabulous idea! :clap2::clap2::clap2: