LoseIt!

I think everyone's experiences are different. I know that I didn't have much port site pain at all and the gas pains faded after a few days, BUT I had bad esophageal spasms for a week. You might just take a little longer to heal. Be patient and it should fade soon!

Hi everybody! Yesterday I was scheduled for my next fill. I think that makes my 5th. I hadn't been sure what I was going to do because I have had some sticking issues, but the last week I have been VERY hungry a lot of the time. Tuesday night I got some very good advice from a fellow bandster that if I was in doubt, I should wait. So I decided that I would cancel my appointment first thing in the morning. Interestingly, I woke up at 2:00 AM and I was STARVING. Tummy growling, I could eat a horse type hungry! I had eaten a perfectly fine dinner, so I felt it was a sign. I decided to keep the appointment and see what my AWESOME (not to mention dreamy looking) doctor had to say. I got to the office quite early. I spent the time reading Diet Girl...(I'm almost done!) When it was time, I found out I had lost 11 pounds since my last visit 6 weeks prior, so that was great! In the back waiting room, there was a lovely lady there who had gone to a different doctor the day before to be filled (someone closer to home) and she couldn't even hold down water. Yikes! She looked utterly miserable. That made me stop and think a little bit. I NEVER want to be like that. She said the other doctor described himself as "aggressive". Hmmm...interesting. Anyway, she went first and looked SO relieved when she was done. When it was my turn, I told my doc my feelings. He took a look under the fluoro and said that he thought I looked really close. He only added one tenth of one cc. He said that some people are very sensitive to it and just a couple drops can make a difference. He cautioned me to come back right away if I can't hold things down. I'm glad he such a great doctor! He actually seems to care. I have heard so many horror stories of surgeons and fill docs not listening to their patients, so I'm quite thankful. I don't typically go back to work after my fills because I'm a big baby and I get REALLY grumpy when I'm hungry. Fill or no fill, a liquid diet does not make me not hungry...EVER. So, I went shopping. I need some jeans so I started a Lane Bryant. I was in a size 1 Blue Right Fit. They don't do those sizes anymore, so I took a plethora of 14s & 16s to the fitting room. One pair of 14s fit (badly) and ALL the rest were too SMALL. What up, kitty cat? That's not right. Anyway, I went back out and started over. After trying on about 20 pairs of jeans, I ended up with two pairs of size 16 straight leg. They are going to be too big in about a month, but I could barely get the 14s on, much less wear them in public. I wear jeans to work almost every day, so I decided that I needed them to fit now. I will worry about it in a month or two when they are too big. I also bought a $15 pair of black trousers that fit perfectly. SCORE! I picked up some undies while I was there. I love their old thongs...the new ones aren't very good quality, but I got them anyway. I won't fit in them for long anyway! Then I went to Old Navy. To the fitting room I took size 18 & 20 jeans, khakis, & cargo pants. I figured that would be enough to cover the difference between "Womens" and "Misses" sizes. I also took in a XXL dress and an XL & XXL shirt. The shirts fit weirdly, but everything else was too big. WHAT?? Yeah, but sigh. I went back out and started over. I brought size 16s of everything and an XL dress. The dress looked adorable, but all of the 16s were too tight or ill-fitting. Ugh. Whatever. It was still quite early when I got home and I didn't want to sit in front of the TV where I would think about food, but I also didn't really have enough energy to exercise, so I decided to clean out my closet. I tried on every single item in my closet that I have not worn in the last two weeks. Holy moly! I filled up 3 stretchy garbage bags of clothes. My old jeans alone were over a half of one garbage bag!! I had a group of "a little too small, try again soon" clothes from last time. EVERYTHING in that group either fit or was too big. YAY!! I had a pile of "good luck someday cause these suckers are TIGHT" clothes and everything in that group fit or moved into the "try again soon" section. What a trip! It put the whole shopping debacle in perspective. This morning I officially hit the 60 lb mark. WOOHOO! In 2006, I weighed about 20 pounds less than I do now, so all the clothes I have on hand (except for my prom dress) are reachable very soon. Come winter, I will have almost nothing but my jeans to wear. Although, Dallas is a good place for layers, so a lot of summer stuff can go well into Fall and be layered for Winter. I told my mom I would fly her down in late Sept/early Oct so she can shop with me. She won't let me get frustrated or stop before I've finished my mission. Ha! Hope you all are having a great week!

Three pounds since Monday? I would say that is a BIG thing!! I have really worked at the head hunger vs. true hunger and it is tough. I do think that it is harder at the beginning when you are actually hungrier more. I would just ask myself if I am hungry enough to eat carrots or something nutritious. If the answer was yes, then I would try and eat something healthy. If the answer was no, then I would find something else to do. Well, at least most of the time.

Write down your questions when you go in. I know that seems simplistic, but it helps me because I get flustered and don't get my questions asked. Even something as simple as "when do you expect my surgery to be?" or "what steps need to be taken before I schedule my surgery?" Good luck!

Your new picture is beautiful! Congrats!!

Keep at it, girl! Every day you are closer and eventually you will bet there.

Aw...I do hope you feel better soon! I got a teensy tiny fill yesterday, but I'm still just doing liquids. Jazzercise is going to be super tough tonight, but I should be thankful that I at least have SOME energy!

I'm not sure I know enough to give you good nutrional advice, but YAY for the boxing class. That sounds like a ton of fun!!

I feel for you! That is totally a horrible situation. I'm glad you were able to leave. The only time I got stuck (that badly) was at the movies and I had been driven there, so I was stuck in more ways than one! Glad you were able to get rid of it!!

I'm not sure if I would have been in the right place mentally for it sooner, but I certainly don't regret having it done now. It is hard work, but this makes my goals attainable! Make sure you research it well and are prepared for your new lifestyle. Other than that, go for it!

I hit a plateau around 3 weeks out that lasted until my first fill which, luckily for me, was a month after surgery. I lost slow at first, but after the 3rd fill it started coming off faster. Although it is never fast enough, huh?! Be patient and do what you are supposed to do. It will work eventually.

Yesterday was a tough blog post for me. Because I had a bad morning yesterday, it started bringing up all those old feelings. I made myself remember all of it. Not just Buffalo Butt, not just the bus, but more... There were so many times that I was interested in a boy that befriended me only to end up dating one of my (thinner) friends. It's very possible it was because they just didn't want to date ME, but all I saw was rejection of a fatty. As an adult, I had two long distance relationships right out of college and that is it. Nada in about a decade. I've only kissed one guy in about 6 years, I think? And that was a drunken hook up at a friend's wedding. Ha! Growing up, I was the same size as some of my friends, but I always considered myself the fat one. I look at pictures and that wasn't really the case. All my friends had dates and boyfriends, but I didn't. My mom said that I always pushed them away or cut them off. The older I get, the more I realize that might be somewhat true. You know that Rodney Dangerfield quote about him not wanting to join any club that would have himself as a member? That's me, I think. In my head, I don't want to date anyone that would want to date me. Wow. That's just kinda sad...like, really...sad. Did I mention that I love boys? I do. I'm boy crazy, in fact!! I just never get past the admiring stage. I know I'm smart. I know I'm witty (in person...not so much in writing, ha!) I know that I am a natural leader, have a good work ethic and I'm nice. Apparently humble as well. But all that is negated much of the time because I'm fat. I was driving with a guy friend one time and he told me that guys will choose the skinny girl over the better looking overweight girl every time. He said that he knew it sucked, but it was true. That has really stuck with me. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that fat people get married, fat people have sex, fat people date. I know all of that. While I can imagine a romantic scenario with a cute guy in fantasy, I have a hard time truly imagining it in reality. About 4 years ago, I think I had a pretty good chance with a cute guy. We would email, talk on the phone and generally made excuses to see each other. It didn't work out and I started to gain weight. I didn't stop for 80 pounds. All the weight gain wasn't about him, for sure. But I have no doubt that it contributed to the start of it. I know I feel better about myself now at 227 than I did at 285. No question about it. So, I do think that as I lose weight, I will continue to feel better about myself. I don't think when I am 185 that I will see myself in the mirror as if I am 285 or 225. Maybe the argument is that I should be happy with myself regardless of the number on the scale. But I don't think that is my reality. We'll see. One thing I do know is that I haven't stuck with anything this long and I have officially lost more at one time than I ever have before. I WILL lose 120 pounds and I WILL feel good about my body. I can't promise that losing the weight will net me a boyfriend. I know better than that. But if I feel good about myself, I know that will reflect and will at least allow for the possibility. I will work on a happier post for tomorrow!!

Wow! Great success! You are a machine! I'm so impressed and very inspired. You go girl!

Welcome to the club! It's great that you are doing well and you will be full speed ahead in no time.

What a fun support group! Doesn't it always figure that you find out the one you like isn't the one you should be eating. Darn it all!

Unscientific work out plans are my favorite!

Very well put, thanks!

I LOVE the movies!!

I love that story!! I hope your foot feels better soon!

This morning has been an interesting one for me. I have talked on my blog about how emotional I am and how I have been working on keeping things in perspective. I think in day to day activity, I'm doing a good job, but I still have a way to go. Let me give you some history: I have been overweight all my life. I remember thinking I was fat as early as first and second grade. My nickmame in fourth grade was Buffalo Butt. Nice, huh? My first weightloss memory (real or manufactured...) was going to a Weight Watchers meeting with my mom in fourth grade and weighing 144 lbs. I feel like I've been on a diet ever since. I love my mom. In fact, there is no one on earth I love more than I love my mom. My mom was always "normal" sized, but was almost consistently on a diet while I was growing up. My mom grew up in a household where her father expected perfection from her. She & Dad truly strived not to be that way with my brother and me. They just wanted what was best for us. They wanted me to be healthy and happy, so they helped me try and lose weight. They took me to Weight Watchers which helped when I was actually doing it. They took me to Nutri System in high school and after a week or two I was sneaking food on the side. They found out and were really mad at me. In retrospect, I understand that they spent a lot of money (that we didn't really have) to do this for me. At the time, I felt I let them down because I stayed fat. I was a food hoarder. I would eat normally in front of people then binge when I was by myself. I remember when I was young (maybe third grade?) I dipped a big tablespoon of peanut butter in sugar and started eating it. I knew it wasn't good for me, but it was tasty! I was in the living room and I heard my parents coming so I hid it under a piece of furniture. They found it and yelled at me. I feel quite sure that they were yelling at me because it is disgusting and gross to leave food around and it would attract mice and pests (which we had issues with anyway in our pre-1900 house.) I just heard them yelling at me becaue I was a disgusting fat pig. Every time my mom tells me I look thin or that I have lost weight, I soar! When my mom mentions that I look like I have gained weight (or she asks if I have gained weight), I get physically sick to my stomach. It has always been that way, but I'm just now starting to tell her when that happens. She thinks I'm being silly, and objectively, I probably am. I talk to my mom every morning during my commute. Every morning, I cheerfully tell her how much weight I have lost. I'm typically up a little on Mondays, but not much. Yesterday, I knew I was going to eat popcorn and I told my mom. She gets a little hitch in her voice when she says "okay" that makes me feel guilty. I was up today and I kid you not when I tell you I was in the shower this morning rehearsing what I was going to tell my mom. Sigh. I'm 36 and sometimes I'm 12. According to rehearsals, I was supposed to cheerily say that I was up a pound that I felt confident would be gone tomorrow. Instead, I told her that I don't share gains with her, only losses. She started laughing and said that I must have gained a lot because I tell her when it is a pound. (I want to step in a second and say that I truly do not believe that she was laughing AT me or trying to be insenstive. My mom loves me ridiculously so and would never intentionally hurt me under any circumstance.) My face and body started to get hot and I could feel myself tense up. I told her that it hurt me that she was laughing at my weight gain. She tried to explain that she laughs at herself all the time. I was so wrapped up in my anger that I almost hung up with her. Crazy! But I was able to change the subject and we moved on. When I got to work, my friend Liz approached me and said that she messed up. I had set up a birthday party for my friend Cori and had invited Liz, but not another work friend. Liz had mentioned the party to our other friend and other friend was hurt. To be truthful, it really wasn't something that was done intentionally. Neither Liz nor other friend has ever been invited to Cori's birthday party, but right at the time I was doing the invitation, I think Liz was on her mind so she said to invite her. It certainly wasn't an act of meaning to NOT invite other friend. In my mind, other friend is in a bad place right now and she is interpreting everyone's actions as something AGAINST her when in reality, that's not the case. I was actually that way last year, before I got my life on track. I realized that NOTHING anybody else said or did truly made a difference to me inside. If I loved myself, everything else would work itself out. That brings me back to my mom. I am so unbelievably fortunate to have my mom. I can't even list off all of the wonderful things she has done and continues to do for me. Nothing she does or says is meant to hurt me. If fact, I have no doubt that my mom would lay down her life for me. I have 35 years of demons to work through. I feel like I have gotten through a lot in 6 months, but it is still going to take some time to get through the rest. Occassionally, my feelings are going to get hurt through no fault of anyone's. But as long as I realize that I control the situation and it is I who decides my emotions, I will be able to move forward. I have have nightmares on occassion of a 5th grade me on a bus where kids are chanting BUFFALO BUTT! I have dreams all the time where people make comments that I'm fat. It is my achilles heel. But I'm doing something about it! At 60 pounds lost, which I should hit sometime this week, I will be halfway to my goal. Take that Amber Melvin from 4th grade! Take that mean, mean Debbie on the school bus! But most of all, TAKE THAT BETH! I am my own worst enemy, but this time is different. This time there is no self sabotage. This time there is no letting myself get caught up in the enormity (pardon the pun) of it all. This time, I'm not just losing weight...this time, I'm changing my life. Mom, I thank God for you and dad everyday. I love you.