Lisa Bones

Please post your resume here (and don't bore me to tears with what you do for a living.) Don't go back more than a few years, and only list the good stuff because this is a happy thread, damn it. DeLarla Got 2 women pregnant (showed them new positions that worked) Sold Remote Control Panties out of my truck I can play a straw Wore a showgirl costume Talked on my cell phone to the North Pole to a famous hockey pro Can tie a cherry stem with my tongue faster than anyone I've ever met I held a monkey, and he sat on my head Kissed a cowboy (just a friendly kiss, but still a cowboy) Tap danced in the men's room Rode a quad topless in Mexico Partied on Bourbon St. Rekindled my marriage Got a speeding ticket in San Antonio Accidentally bought $600.00 in Harley shirts in Dallas Reunited with my boyfriend from 20 years ago - now just amazing friends My old roomate found me - planning big September reunion Got a call from Switzerland from another hockey player Got a new Shaman Found my g-spot (again, haha) Got a new Harley I can twirl a baton You puedo hablar Espanol I can say, "Maria bought a blouse at the store" in 4 languages Won $3,500 Pole Danced at a strip club on the Vegas Strip - the Palomino! Rode the bull at Gilley's

Yep, it's me; I canceled my DeLarla account long ago because a few specific bandsters refused to stop stalking every single post I participated in or started, and sure enough they're the same people to start another DeLarla bashing party behind my back, yet they call me childish? I just got back from Dallas after a wild weekend and can barely talk, but I can still LAUGH OUT LOUD! Then there's a few who "think" they know me because they joined LBT so late in the game that it's too easy for them to pass judgment without knowing the entire story. Plain and simple, I avoid some members like I avoid piles of dog poop, and I wouldn't dare click on a thread that contained certain names, but it's those specific people who jump all over my name and get sick, disturbing thrills bashing me not only behind my back, but when I'm not around to defend my name while insisting I'm immature? I've sent PMs to them asking them to stay away from my name while they play innocent. I swear, I can see them fanning themselves like a bad actress begging for cool Water before they get the vapors! This morning a friend showed me the sad mud-slinging going on over my name, and it's the same few people that take such great joy in following my name around the board for the sole reason of instigating trouble - the same people that threatened and frightened certain members from coming to Vegas for the Suarez, which I postponed, but if anyone's coming to Vegas that weekend, my home is still open and you can come with me to the parties I have booked and watch my show live or play on the Strip till I'm done working. The rest of you mean so much to me, and I try to keep up with messages and calls, but Slumber Parties is such a wild and lucrative ride that I'll be leaving my paralegal job in a few months. Last week I averaged $429.00 per hour; I'm not trying to impress you - I'm trying to impress upon you the golden opportunity that rained on my life last year. I've been busy empowering women, improving relationships and making insane money with little time for anything else but the traveling it takes me on... and now Convention is coming up in March in New Orleans during Mardi Gras! Whoop! At the risk of sounding conceited, I wish more people were as brave as I am and less afraid to speak the truth when the truth needs to be spoken. I've never shied away from a reality check, constructive criticism or an insult, so when people say, "She can dish it out but she can't take it" baffles me. I'm less afraid than any other woman I've ever met. I can dish it out, and I can take it. Bring it on, but not here. It’s so easy to sit alone and write things you can’t back. Tell me the time and place and have the balls to meet me face to face. I’ll buy the drinks. Got nerve? "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."

Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistence? One step from lashing out at you. You want in to get under my skin and call yourself a friend? I've got more friends like you, What do I do? Is there no standard anymore? What it takes, who I am, where I've been. Belong. You can't be something you're not. Be yourself, by yourself, Stay away from me!!! A lesson learned in life, known from the dawn of time. Respect, walk. Run your mouth when I'm not around, it's easy to achieve. You cry to weak friends that sympathize. Can you hear the violins playing you song? Those same friends tell me your every word. Are you talking to me? No way punk.

I'm not even kidding, I was invited to the Palomino club, one of the oldest strip clubs in Vegas, to do a Slumber Party in one of their private lounges. It was one of the coolest nights I've spent in Vegas, because the owner's girlfriend took me on a private tour of all the secret rooms, where I literally felt the eerie and exciting ghosts of mobster and celebrity pasts in some of the now-closed off private areas. One VIP room was untouched and stood still in time covered with red velvet walls and etched mirrors with one single dance pole in the center. I could hear the thump of the music through the floor, and since we were alone in that forbidden, fantastic place where only the wealthiest ever partied, she let me do my thang on the pole! It was SO MUCH FUN, and strippers make it look so easy. You take one twirl around and gravity pulls you like you're spinning on ice till you land on your ass on the floor. I have a whole new respect for strippers because you need the strength of a few horses to work that pole, no lie. Vegas now has pole dancing classes that I'm looking into. Has anyone taken a pole dance class yet?

Psyche, I'm not leaving LBT again! Too many of you drag sappy tears out of my eyes with all the love. But it's with shock and exhilaration that I share with all of you, who have supported me in every aspect of my life over the years, that I just reached my lifetime achievement. I've been trapped in the corporate world for over 20 years, but my days are numbered. Next Friday is my LAST DAY AS A FRIGGEN PARALEGAL! I QUIT! I quit my job! Did I really say that? Yes, I did, I really, really did... I quit my job! Now you have to watch for the Slumber Buggy - it might just come through your town! I'm competing for a trip to New York City for a fully paid shopping spree in a limo with Kim, Slumber's owner, who is holding the hottest tickets to see The Producers on Broadway with an expense paid stay at the Waldorf Astoria for the highest September sales. My job held me back from winning a sexy red boat, trips to Europe, wave runners, The Bahamas, etc. I made in 3 days what it takes me a month to make as a paralegal. I can't believe I own my own business, and I can't believe how easy and fun work can be. Wish me luck, and baton down the hatches because Hurricane DeLarla is on the loose! PARTY FOR A LIVING!!!

Chloe's dad just called me from the North Pole. You can imagine how hard I'm laughing because only one of my twisted friends would wait till they got to the North Pole to call me, considering he could have called from Geneva last week. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him a Harley North Pole shirt. Has anyone ever been to the North Pole? Is there something funny about a Harley North Pole shirt that I should know about? Where the puck is the North Pole, and I swear, if you don't laugh at that there's something seriously wrong with you. But if you did laugh at that, here's more to chuckle on - his team (hockey) won last night, and instead of a trophy the won frozen reindeer meet, and I'm damn serious that I can't see through tears from laughing my ass off. Anyway, Chloe is doing extremely well and only gets more amazing every day. She's at the most exclusive school that money can buy in Switzerland, and she sends me her very own e-mails that she types all by herself. I'm all hopped up now, she does that to people

"I was going to say that I’ve been knocked flat on my ass by Chuck Norris, but that was more than a couple of years ago, so I won’t mention it." I started the thread, I make the rules. If you got knocked on your ass by Chuck Norris or licked Elvis, please go to the head of the class.

**I’ve surfed porn professionally (yeah, I know, you said no job stuff, but I decided to include these two…)** This kinda work doesn't count, it's encouraged on this resume. Whoda thunk? The more I read my list, the stupider I look. What the heck is a Palindrome? A Goth? Leatha, I tried to reply earlier but that picture made me cry so I had to go away for a bit. I had to postpone this year's party - just way too much going on at once, but now I'll have this stuff called, "time." Oh, and they say I'll get this stuff called, "sleep?" Someone actually had the nerve to tell me I'd get used to this thing called, "sleeping in." Whah?

There's a thread asking you to post the meaning of your screen name. I can't wait to hear why you're tomato. Do you know pickle? Okay, that was really lame but it's late and I'm tired. Welcome, and good luck on your journey.

Those were some wild woman that wanted to hook up with me and hubby... I may be a pnut case, but I've yet to swing both ways. Shame on me!

Dog spelled backwards is goD.

I won't be in Boston this year, but I'm really jealous of my other "Resume" thread because someone has been to 49 states, which is something I want to work on. But yooohooo, Michelllllee..... this means the Slumber Buggy can visit you when YOU are ready instead of waiting for my weekends to free up! Wouldn't a breakfast party be fun? I could show up in the morning and be home by night so poor Chris doesn't have to sleep alone (he's a baby like that.)

Erin is in pie-Heaven right now because of all the "Let's take Lisa to Lunch" food, the bagels, donuts, Cookies... why does everyone think they need to feed me before I go? Do I look like I'm wasting away? Thanks for all the support and encouragement! Nana, there are three kits to chose from so you can start for just a few hundred bucks. But I didn't start Slumber Parties for the money, I just thought it sounded like a fun hobby and I wanted to hang around all the amazing women. I had no idea it would explode into a full time career. The "sisterhood" sounds so cliché' but when you stand among thousands of empowered women, who have all taken control of their lives and destinies without relying on a man for ANYTHING, the confidence and self-esteem grow beyond imaginable proportions. Last night a woman from the Slumber Advisory Board called me to invite me to a one-on-one dinner to see if there's anything I need help or support with during my transition. This morning another board member, whom I've never met, called me out of the blue to let me know she'll always be there for me (she has 300 women under her but she found time to call me?) The owner sent me e-mails of support, and that's just a few examples. There's no company of the face of the planet that cares so much about seeing women succeed. It's simply remarkable. Slumber Parties isn't just going to pay the bills, but it's giving me the freedom to chase the rest of my dreams. I have several books started, I want to travel, and I can finally get my letter writing business under control, which I can't do trapped in these gray walls.

6. Robert Deniro (Said to call him Bobby and was a very nice person) This one wipes out my entire list.

My mouth just dropped open in a severe fit of jealousy. I can barely get past, "been to 49 states" since that's something I've always wanted to do! And you got tickets in all of them, you rotten brat! And I've never danced naked in the snow, or kissed Hootie. And Dody, don't come near me any more because I just can't take the fact that you married a cowboy and have horses. I married a steel cowboy and we have steel horses, but my dream is to live on a ranch (with ranch hands doing all the work, of course.) Keep the list going, this fascinates me and gives me ideas for my next ventures! If you think of more, put them in the bottom on bold.

If you grab the nurses booby, you'll have something for your resume.

You trying to say I didn't paint my nails blue and dye my hair pink?

Jenna, you can borrow my battery operated shoes, but you can NOT borrow my husband again!

Dody has a big Static X tattoo on her butt. Hey, Copper!

I vomit at the thought of surgery in Mexico - I've had several, and I wish I could turn back time. It's not the surgeon, it's their low standards. Nurses take bribes, names are spelled wrong, hospitals don't have to follow FDA regulations, records are lost. Then again, I woudn't let some of the morons in this country touch me either. Find a reputable doctor in a reputable country, a combo deal.

And this: "a large portion of favorable attention has do with confidence." I'll walk straight up to a yummy guy and tell him how hot I am, and he'll believe me and buy me a drink because it's all in your attitude. But then my husband yanks me away and ruins all the fun. Party pooper.

Try wearing pheromones (comes in perfumes, body sprays, etc.) All the major department stores carry their own pheromone cologne, but mine's much more affordable - plug plug plug. Then again, people are attracted to pretty things. I can't see your pic very well, but you look like a pretty thing.

Pantera is like a shot of Tequila, a little strong till you get used to the taste, but then it's like rocket fuel for the soul.

Anthony, thanks for posting - good info.

Why, oh why, oh why were any of us compelled to click on a thread with this title? Hell, now I have to go look.