BJean

Well said, Kat. There are definitely times when there is a shift to 80-20 or 60-40, depending upon your partner's needs in times of crises. That's one of the most important rewards of a marriage - having someone there to catch you and lift you up when you've been kicked by a person, a death or an event. The 50-50 times are when it's all smooth sailing! I do think that you're right about trying to understand what's really going on with your spouse when they don't respond or they hide from intimacy. It is very easy to assume that it is for some reason or other and probably 9 times out of 10, it is something altogether different that is causing the space between both of you. We think that it is because of our weight or whatever we come up with to blame it on and often it is something just within our spouse that is troubling them. We should learn to spend as much time understanding and supporting our husbands as we do our children or friends. We don't mean to take them for granted, but it is hard not to.

We CAN do it Michelle. We have to refocus. We need to be having fun and doing something we enjoy that doesn't include food. Now letsee... what in the world can that be????

I am sure that mindless eating, not checking the nutritional or calorie stats of packaged foods, helped get me to the point of needing the band. When I first had the band, I always checked the calorie count of anything I was about to eat. If it was less than 200 calories or a little more than 200 cals, I would consider it for a meal. If it was less than 100 calories, I would consider it for a snack. I was eating something about 5 times a day. My dietician kept insisting that I not eat between meals and just eat 3 meals a day. That, believe it or not, was the beginning of a problem for me. I think if I would go back to eating more frequently and having more low calorie grazing type meals, I would be better off. I was never a grazer before the band. I imagine that most obese people are ones who eat more than 3 meals a day. I managed to get way too many calories in by just having those 3 meals. When I ate more frequently (albeit low cal foods) I didn't get as hungry and I didn't expect a big meal, ever. I think at this point I'm going to go back to what I was doing that caused me to successfully lose 40 lbs. I believe that the most important factor with or without the band is that we tailor any eating plan to what works for us as individuals. What the h - e - double L is tzatziki?? And raita? Those don't sound like foodstuffs to me. Now let's do a chorus of Oklahoma!

I don't know Mexico that well. Don't know of the Copper Canyon. I know of the Copper Mine in Bisbee, AZ, but that's extent of my copper knoweldge. We were treated well once when we were in Alcapulco. We decided to take an "Ecology Tour". It was organized and conducted by a former professor from Berkley, CA. He had retired, moved to Mexico and married a young, lovely native Mexican lass. He bought a small, quaint, very rustic hotel and restaurant in Alcapulco. We went on his ecology tour (although we were staying at a different hotel) and learned all about the native cattle ranches and farms way out from town. One stop we made was very hospitable. We drove up in our open air safari type vehicle and noticed a Mexican woman flipping a white fabric up and down over something which was covered in something black. The closer we got, the more the realization of what she was doing sank in. She had baked some kind of pastries to demonstrate how she used an outdoor oven (her only stove). We were expected to buy a pastry while we were there watching her son scale a 40 ft. palm tree, with no tools and in his bare feet. Amazing! Back to the pastries. She had placed the cooked pastries on a large wooden plank and had her cloth over them, lifting it up and down TO MOVE A BLACK CLOUD OF FLIES off of them. The DH and I, both weak stomached, moved quickly back to the safari jeep and pretended like we had something to check on there. Other tourists in the group, very politely, bought pastries and ate them. Aaarrgh. Just couldn't do it. But I've made a short story long again... the professor included dinner at his restaurant in the price of the tour. He was a lovely little man and when we returned to his hotel, his wife was just as hospitable and sweet as he. We did tour his hotel and saw his al fresco dining tables, but again we weren't able to handle the idea of actually eating there. He sensed how uncomfortable we were and he cut us loose in a very considerate way without making us feel embarrassed. I've always wished we had spent the evening visiting with them in his restaurant. I wound up getting Montezumas several years later at the race track in Juarez. It was such a beautiful, clean, relatively new facility that I figured there was no way I could get into trouble. Ah, how youth is wasted on the young.

Had a good friend with a flat butt. Otherwise she was a striking beauty, but she always wanted a more curvy bottom. She worked with a trainer and he got her using a stair stepper and sure enough, she developed a bubble butt.

When I was verrry young, I worked as a Deputy Clerk of Courts. My job was to file all cases and the pleadings that attorneys added to a case that they had before the courts. Did other stuff too but my main job was to help the attorneys at the counter. It was absolutely the best (but lowest paying) job that I ever had. Very much fun getting to know all the law clerks, attorneys, judges, etc. I was the youngest and cutest female working the counter at the time. (105 lbs. soaking wet and very physically fit) One day a couple of law clerks and a secretary and I were having lunch at a downtown hot dog eatery. The tables and chairs were school desk ones where the chair and table are one unit. Next to me was Grady Coronnet, a very old, wheezie, crusty attorney who I knew from the court house. He was your typical dirty old man. (His tie always had breakfast and/or lunch stains on it and we sometimes joked that he could make soup if he soaked it in a little boiling water.) But I digress... he turned to me as I was having my little hot dog and coke, and said, "Would you like to see a picture of me when I was a little boy?" Of course I couldn't have cared less about it, but I was young and naive and said I would. He got his wallet out and flipped it open to the plastic sleeves containing photos. He handed it to me with a photo of a little boy who had a a humongous dong, and in fact so humongous it was dragging the ground. Eeeeeeekkkkk!!!!! :eek: I nearly choked on my hot dog, threw the wallet into his face and ran out the door. I always refused to wait on the old codger after that but for some reason I always felt sorry for the old coot. Go figure!!

Hooray for your manager! :clap2:

Actually it's my FIL who has the used car lots. If you were to buy a used car from my DH, he would probably practically give it to you. He is so fair, it is almost to a fault. He doesn't even press the envelope with our Income Taxes, like most people do. Gotta love that man! I just hate when I have to learn how to use all the new gadgets on a car or DVD or video equipment. We have a TV/DVD that I avoid like the plague. If I can just go turn it on, I'm happy. But if the kids have been up there and hooked up a DVD for the granddaughter, I'm out of luck. And that's where my recumbant bike is. Sorry excuse for a way to avoid exercise, huh? I had a friend years ago when the Lincoln Navigator first came out, and she got a beautiful new one. It was all computerized and had so many things to learn I would have seriously gotten rid of it if it were me. You had to punch the button twice for this, three times for that and punch and pause and punch, etc., until I would have had the screaming meemies! I remember how much it costs in Oklahoma to register and tag your cars. It's crazy! I suppose it's still that way? It's higher than anywhere we ever lived. Although Virginia takes the cake for inspections and stickers and all that. Florida doesn't seem to care whether your car belches black smoke or has a major crack in the windshield. Arizona is pickier than Florida. Texas is somewhere inbetween. Doesn't matter where you live though, it's all a colossal pain in the tookus! I have a car that I love dearly. I had been driving SUV's for years - the bigger the better. Although my friend who drives a RAV and loves it, derided me for driving such gas hogs. My motto (and reasoning) was always, when they take the pickups and semi's off the highways, I'll drive a smaller car. Until then having a big vehicle gave me the best chance of surviving if I got in a tangle with a truck or semi tractor-trailer. But in 2002 I got the chance to own a new Lexus and I still have it. It took a little while to get used to having the big vehicles tower over me. But it is such a fast and easy to handle car, I feel safer than in the SUV, believe it or not. Now the DH has suggested I get something new, but I've said that unless and until he's ready to buy me the top of the line Lexus or BMW, I'm not giving up my Lexus. There are many reasons why it is considered the best car (for the money) around. I had a Mercedes once and hated it. Oh it purred on the highway, but around town it wasn't comfortable and wasn't particularly great maneuvering and just in no way compared to the Lexus. I've heard BMW owners make similar claims, but I've never owned one. Maybe the Mini Cooper? They say those little babies are a blast to drive. I saw a Cooper convertible the other day and it was awesome. My niece just bought one and she's in hog heaven. Works in OKC and lives and commutes to Tulsa. All things considered, I think you've made a really good choice with the RAV. It's got the luxury, the gasoline economy and safety that a person needs. And they're good looking. I didn't know that the systems were somewhat complicated, but once you get them all down pat, I'm sure you're going to be good to go for another long stretch. There's nothing like a new car! Congrats for selling your old one. What about the Caddy?

Dynamo: Adopting your style of eating should help me not be so afraid of fills. I have been telling myself that I've been eating slowly and chewing extremely well, but I am sure I have not been diligent when I have an episode. I hadn't thought too much about it, but now that you mention it, I'll bet I've been talking too much, and too quickly when I have a PB. All good tips! Thanks.

Green you seem to be a very intelligent, quick-witted, lovely woman. Therefore if you really believe that your former male co-workers thought of you as one of them, and offered to share their pornographic material with you because you were just another guy, you are seriously in denial. And denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Well la-dee-freakin' da! You must be feeling a little better Green, you're getting feisty! What I'm wondering is... will you adopt me??

Well being a short little stob of a girl, I have stumpy legs. Always had a very wasp like figure, pre obesity, but the legs... stumps. Hardly any ankles so as you'd notice. Most men like good legs with nice ankles. They don't really notice tiny waists. Big boobs, yes. Great legs, yes. Nice Booty, yes. But the booty isn't even all that important if you have great legs. And blond hair. Tho I have to admit that... I had big butt and I cannot lie. Those other brothers can't deny... they got "sprung"! They could have written that song with me in mind. :heh: Woo-hoo!

What a lovely, fond memory! I've only grown to like fish since the band. Before that, it was an occasional thing that I felt that I MUST do. Now I have actually learned to enjoy it. But I've never been pampered like Green, in any case.

OMG!!! Kat I had a popcorn popper just like that my first year living in a dorm at college! You could smell popcorn all over the whole floor when I would pop it and here came all the neighbors and it would wind up in a great bull session - usually about boys and sex!! What great memories! Btw, we didn't have co-ed dorms yet - that started the following year. You can't imagine what all you can heat in one of those things. Soup, chili, etc. Quite the popular item for a dorm room. Wonder what ever happened to that. I probably burned out the bottom at some point. Between that and my roomie's stereo, we had the true crash pad that year. :notagree

Well I have to say that I too think that there is a time and place for some pornography in healthy relationships. Since I've gained so much weight I am too uncomfortable in my own skin to enjoy seeing a slender, healthy nude chick in the same room with me (on the bedroom TV). So I avoid it like the plague. But I used to get inspired whether I planned to or not when it was on. The DH knew me too well. Sneaky rascal. :bandit If he put it on in spite of how I felt about it, I would feel really dejected and angry. If he holed up in a room with it to avoid having sex with me, I would want to run away with someone who appreciated me. That may sound selfish to some of you, but I didn't sign up for anything less than a 50-50 relationship. We both compromise - not just one of us. And neither of us winds up being a martyr and resenting the other. I have to confess that we've been married for 36 years though. It wasn't always that way. And it really did take a lot of work over the years. But if you seriously love each other, it is well worth the effort.

You two don't know how lucky you are. Thin, stringy, perfectly straight, mousey hair is the pits. At least you can fluff yours up, put it in a band and pretend like you planned it. I'm not thin enough for a comb over, but I'm afraid someday I will be. I had a good friend in Fla. who was that thin. She wasn't old or unhealthy so I don't know why it was so thin and fine, but she made me feel like I had a lot of hair. That's why I hung out with her...:heh: Not really. She was very cool. I have always noticed that people with curly want straight and people with straight want curly. :faint:

Ha! I used to be so addicted to popcorn that I went to the movies, any movies, just for the popcorn. You just can't make it like that at home. I've even thought about getting a theater popper for the home. But that would definitely be just so wrong on so many levels. Since I've scaled back on the eating, now I actually discriminate about which movies I see and I don't get a large container of popcorn. I do get a medium though, no butter, and if the particular theater doesn't have good popcorn I actually manage to sit through a movie without eating or drinking. Unbelievable! I'm curious... am I the only movie goer who has been sold a bag of green, moldy tasting popcorn? When drive-ins were the rage, it was not uncommon. Gag, wretch. :speechles (Egad. I sure dated myself there, didn't I! :paranoid ) P.S. I don't pay much attention to what the little icons are labeled, I just go for how they look. I love this guy: Isn't he :glasses new?

Good Chiropatric info, Pam. I've never used one, but have friends who believe in them almost religiously. Finding a great one is the trick! My girls are too big too, Boo Boo. But not to the point of wreaking havoc on my neck and back. I can't imagine having to put up with the pain of it all. :cry Green I'll never forget when I was at a party with a new boyfriend once and the topic of discussion was the "pencil test" and who in the room could pass. I was totally mortified. Fortunately for my self-esteem I was deemed to be able to pass, but it was such a terrible feeling to have people talking about our anatomy like that so I suggested we find a ruler and figure out which guy had the biggest johnson. The girls giggled and said, YES! And the guys changed the subject and started talking about sports betting. PIGS! (I have never felt comfortable in a sports bra, even when participating in sports. There must be a trick to finding the proper fit or is it the material that makes them comfortable?)

A 4-hour erection can be fun, but 6 or 8 hours, huh-uh go directly to the emergency room. I'm pretty sure the treatment isn't conventional, but without it, you're going to think a case of "blue balls" is child's play. :paranoid Pardon the innappropriate expression here.

L8BloomR: Yes I can eat unlimited quantities of popcorn too!! What's up with that? But I have to say that I'm in a habit of having my own bag. We just don't enjoy sharing with one person having to hold it just a certain way that is convenient to the other person and all that. Just give us both our own bags and we'll be set. I have no clue what that smiley face means... I just thought the face was appropriate. (Hurts - ow!?) If anyone can tell us what Huytsao means, we'd be grateful. :phanvan Phanvan, anyone? Something to do with a VW Bus airconditioner?

nume130: I am thrilled for you. I hope you've found someone really good who will truly listen and help you figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there! I am very proud of you for taking charge of your life. We're not victims unless we allow ourselve to be. I have a feeling that you are headed down a road to happiness and fulfillment. Please keep us posted. We really care about you.

L8BloomR: See there, we could have gone to the movies and had a very good time together. Do you eat popcorn? :guess jqpublic: I quit watching, pretty much. You should try it. That awful knot in your stomach just goes away without all the gut-wrenching garbage thrown at us everyday. :huytsao Mom: I'll lurk here waiting for Edie's answer too. I'm pretty sure she climbed Mount Everest to get it off. Right now that's the only thing that makes sense to me. :straight

Carol: Why is it I've always had those revelations AFTER I eat the cookies/cereal, instead of right before? I'm really lucky in that after a certain time in the evening I don't eat. Of course why should I since I've spent my whole day focused on food. I am sure that if most of us didn't have intimacy issues with our significant others, we wouldn't be battling the weight thing as much. Of course it's always, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" (In my case it would be the loaded omelet, oozing with cheese.) I have just decided that what we're all wishing for and hoping for and can't understand why we don't have it, is unconditional love. We want our spouses to love us whether we weigh 800 lbs or 100 lbs. When we got our first Min. Schnauzer, Maggie, my DH loved her so much that when my daughter asked me oneday, "Mom, if you could be anyone you want to be, who would you be?" I unhesitatingly answered, "Maggie". My heart goes out to you darlin'.

Dynamo: I think that probably quite a few of us have those same issues with control and nagging by our families. It is a major turn off and being in control of our eating is something we can do, and something they can't do anything about! So I've done my share of eating out of spite, I'm ashamed to say. I am so happy for you that you've found someone with whom you can communicate well, and someone you trust. I too have had a couple of bad experiences with therapists. They can be like many doctors, in that they think losing weight is a matter of just setting your mind to it. If only it were that easy. If it was, we would all be at a normal weight. I had a therapist once tell me that all obese people were molested as children. What a nut. Sometimes I think that nutty people are drawn to the profession of psychology just as pedophiles are drawn to vocations that involve children. (Probably a poor comparison, but I can't help myself.) You have sure had a lot of grief to deal with and if you're like me, when you feel sorry for yourself, it's time to reward yourself with something good to eat. We just have to learn how to love ourselves and care about ourselves more than that, I guess. It's a terrible habit that I've developed and not an easy one to break. I sure do appreciate what you've posted and it is making me think I need to bite the bullet and try to find someone to help me with this. It is just so overwhelming sometimes, and reading Sugar's posts sure points that out. Thanks for being so kind and for sharing!

They're probably just as nutritious as a pus cake. Oooh wait a minute, I think I'm grossed out!! :speechles