ldswims

Weekends are always the hardest time for me to continue watching what I eat, I think. During football season the downfall is beer and bar food. During the rest of the year the downfall is beer and bar food, but on a lesser scale. When you are sitting in front of the fantabulous tv we spent a fortune on last year you want to eat chicken wings and french fries. And you reason to yourself - how often does football season come along? Come on, enjoy... Ok...so not really. I'm exagerating. I generally can't sit still long enough to watch a game with my husband and I'm generally bouncing into the kitchen to make some something or another for the guys that accumulate in front of the amazingly fantabulous tv that cost a fortune. But I had a breakthrough nonetheless. Saturday mornings I can usually claim that tv for myself while the hubby snoozes away the morning. And I will watch one or two of the shows that I have dvr'ed over the week while I can. So yesterday, I sat down to watch one of those shows, all nuzzled up in a cozy throw with my doggie curled up in my arms. I was happy as a clam and snug as a bug in a rug. It's things like that that make me proclaim "I love the fall!" Towards the end of watching that show, an hour long but when you count in the fast forwarding through commercials, it turns into 40 minutes, I started to think to myself I've got the munchies. And then I asked myself the best question I've ever come up with for anything in life. "Why?" And I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great breakfast and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for lunch. And when I realized all of that - I was fine. I went on with my morning. When the show was finished I moved myself to my computer to take care of the bills and such. As I was sitting here thinking about things, I realized I had the munchies again. By this time, I had eaten lunch and I had a fantastic glass of water sitting beside me. I interrupt this program to say "I have not had a soda in over two weeks now!" Back to the program at hand. So I ask myself again - that most awesome-ist of questions... "Why?" And I got the same result. I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great lunch and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for dinner. And when I realized all of that - I was fine. From there the day progressed. Through watching football and the rest of the afternoon, I never did have a munchie moment again. I ate a dinner that was fantastic and quite satisfying. And then the day was over. I always munch on Saturday's and Sunday's! Today was not so successful. I made home made snickerdoodles last weekend. We freeze our cookies and pull out what we want when we want them. But when you have to thaw a cookie it makes you question whether you really want it - if you even remember they are there. So I had two cookies today. I did not eat a satisfying breakfast or lunch today and that equated to "needing" something this afternoon. But when I realized that, I did go for a more protein rich snack. So...interesting... Ironically, I generally give myself credit for being someone that doesn't eat unless I'm hungry. My mom said that about me, actually. But in this journey to being overweight, I am discovering, I rewrote my definition of hunger. I'd call that a break through. Can I get back to my once upon a time mentality?

I know this blog is long past but I can't help but piping in on this one. My grandmother worked in the fashion industry and in that industry it is known that there are things you can do to work around this. It's true whether skinny or not. First of all, try on the clothes and before looking in the mirror YOU decide if YOU feel comfortable. Comfort needs to be key - of course, when skinny, it's easier to be comfortable in the "styled" clothing. Sit down, stand up, bend your arms, flex your arms - all that stuff your mom had you do when you were a little kid - it is still meaningful through the years. If YOU have decided YOU are comfortable - then look in the mirror. Do NOT, however, look at yourself but rather look at how the blouse hangs on your frame, how the dress hangs or where the jeans or slacks fall. If a blouse is too blousy - now you know. If jeans are too short - now you know. Finally - look in the mirror again but only at your face. Are the colors and styles flattering to your face? You can use dressing room mirrors as aids with these keys. But remember - they also adjust the lights in dressing rooms to also make things look better than they really might be.

I live in Texas where we don't get a winter at all. With that said - we do have these cold fronts come throught that can leave the temperature barely climbing above 45. That is chilly - and it's fantastic. I am the type of person that when it starts to get cold like that, I open the window and start fires in the fireplace while jumping for joy.:confused: So it's fall. We generally hover around the mid-high 70's and temps at night are wonderful for having the windows open. Still not fireplace weather - but it's coming. If we were to sit outside at night chatting with friends, however, we might light a chiminea. The scent of smoke wafting through the neighborhood always makes my heart jump for joy - "winter" is coming! :confused: Between the cooling weather and football - it's just such a wonderful time of year. My husband and I are addicted to football! This time of year, it's on at all hours of the day and night from Thurs-Mon. We save our household projects until January when football season is really just in championship mode and they games become few and far between. Here in Texas, our leaves are starting to turn. Seems early to me this year. Not that our leaves rival New England - they don't even slightly - but they can still get quite colorful and it makes me look around in anticipation - what color will I see next? What tree will go stark first? (That's what I call the bare trees - not dormant, the proper term, but stark. Seems less scientific and is more like how I feel about them - stark = a blank canvas.) As much as I love the fall, I love winter more. I lived in Chicago for a year while in the Navy and I loved the winter there. I grew up in California and they have less winter there than we do here in Texas, although we certainly did have cold days and nights. Finally, I lived in Hawaii for three years, also in the Navy - and they certainly do not have a winter there. :redface: I had a hard time with that there, actually. It's hard to appreciate the beauty of the islands all the time when the flowers are always blooming, for example. There were very subtle differences - night time temps would drop into the 60's, for example, and wave activity would increase. It still wasn't a winter, though. One of the things I love about winter so much is the trees being blank canvases for what's next. That starkness I was talking about a moment ago. All these branches and limbs hanging around, sleeping, just waiting for the day when they can start afresh. It's refreshing to me - the starkness of winter. It means to me, that the world around me is in anticipation for what happens next. I love, mostly, the journey of seeing what will happen next. Sometimes the next thing is bad - and then I'm not so happy, but generally, good things are in store, I believe. And somehow, for me, winter is the mark between a good thing completed and the next new thing to come. It doesn't hurt that it's so very cold at night and I can open the windows and sleep like a baby with no AC on. It doesn't hurt that I don't even have to have the windows open to have the fire in the fireplace as "winter" moves on. With fall in full swing and the holidays lurking around the corner, I just woke up this morning with the thought - I am just so happy to be moving into this time of year! Don't get me wrong - I miss the summer. I miss being able to jump in my pool on a daily basis and I will be quite happy when the weather gets back to hot hot hot because I love love love my swimming! But this fall and the approaching "winter" have me thinking about what's in store. This time next year I hope to be banded. This time next year I hope to not have to be scared to exercise for fear that I will lose too much weight. This time next year I hope to be outside enjoying this wonderful weather quite simply because I will have lost enough weight that my feet will no longer kill me just for thinking of being on them. This time next year I hope that just like the trees losing their leaves - I will be moving into the next season of my life!

And the blog is even likely to be short! This regards the blogs Sigh....part 1 and Sigh....part 2 and Really? Seriously? I emailed my 'advocate" this morning with what I now know to be true for Cigna. I figured maybe just maybe I can help some other poor soul to not have to go through a day like this. Course, it's a whole list of things that all fell inline yesterday to make yesterday happen. And just a few minutes ago I heard back from her. With my news, their clinic called Cigna to verify this for themselves. And it IS true. You do NOT need a two year history with Cigna. So with that said, looks like I do NOT have to do the sleep study. I am good to go. So here we go... :party::party:

I feel cheated by yesterday's appointments. The appointment with the nutritionist went just fine and even as I'd expected. I do wish that I'd remembered that appt was first because I would not have "hassled" her with my questions on insurance. But the appointment with the nurse practitioner...I'm not sure it was meaningful. I ended up missing work because everything involved with the insurance and then determining if I would even be qualified to do the sleep study kept me there far too late. I got there at 9:45 and didn't leave until well after 2 - and how is that anything I should have expected based on a weigh in? She listened to my heart and lungs and deemed me healthy. Yeah. Not concerned! I find it funny that - from the mouth of my mom, years ago, a Nurse Practitioner - doctors, PA's and nurse practitioners listen to your heart and lungs because "the patient expects them to". I hate it when they do that and there isn't any reason for me to be there other than - you called me in to give me bloodwork results. Bloodwork results say I'm fine. So why would you listen to my heart and lungs? They were fine three days ago... That RNP didn't really offer any suggestions. She didn't really converse with me about how this past month went. She didn't converse with me about what a goal might be for the next month. So what was the point? To keep me from work? To keep me from the place that is giving me the money to pay for this unnecessary visit? Do health practitioners even get that? And then. To talk to that "advocate", and I use the term very losely, and get so much misinformation. Why'd I go there? If it's on me to determine my eligibility - why don't I just do this myself? Yeah, stupid question. I know there is so much more that happens. If it's on me to examine my diet and determine what to focus on next, why don't I just do this myself? Wait. I am. And according to my obesity surgery rider - I am expected to fail this program. :cool: That is just hard hard hard to stomach. Ok. So I'm going to spend the next five months relearning how to eat. But if it really is about what I eat - no preservatives, no artificial crap, no no no...then won't that cause me to lose weight? As I have read through here I have now developed a fear of losing weight. Why? Because yes, I can lose it. But as has been my history for the last ten years, I won't keep it off. And I have too much risk for too many bad things and I don't want to gain it all back yet again. So I want to make this happen and I expect to be successful. Because I want to keep it off for good. This band isn't about losing the weight. This band is about keeping the weight off. And I will do that with lifestyle changes - doing what I inherently know and simultaneously turning over new leafs. But how do you take this seriously when the goal of this "supervised weightloss program" is to "fail"? How does that start my adaptation if I have to consistently go behind myself and un-do my weightloss? :huh2: On another note, I am seriously looking forward to Thanksgiving. I think my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving and it's because of the years that I had with the most wonderful Mom that ever lived - my very own. She was not a super cook through out the year. She cooked a great meal every night of the week - or we had leftovers - but she was time conscious and with both my step-dad and my dad (at different times) being unwilling to try some things, she was not necessarily adventurous with her cooking. But Thanksgiving. OH, Thanksgiving. :thumbup: We'd have my family to our house. I grew up in a very large house but was an only child. My grandmother, mother of seven, lived in a very small house. So they came to us. My mom would go all out. We lived in California and had a beautiful patio that would accomodate enough tables and chairs for 60 people to have a sitdown meal. We would have a smoked turkey and a roasted turkey. We would have all the fixings. But the best thing to me was the stuffing. I love the stuffing because I loved loved loved making it with my Mom. We'd set the bread out to stale the night before. And we'd get up at 6am to break it into pieces and saute it with butter, onions, celery and our secret seasonings. It was so amazingly simple - and to me, it can't be beat. Add whatever you want - the turkey is the best way to get flavor in the stuffing. We'd get the birds stuffed and into the ovens. And then we would prep as much of the rest as we could. My aunts would start arriving between 10-11 and they would join us. My mom never pushed or cajoled anyone to do anything. If YOU wanted to make the waldorf salad - fine, make it. If someone else wanted to make whatever, fine, make it. If you were tired of cooking/baking/clearning - then go watch or play football, depending on the time of the day. I loved every single Thanksgiving I had with my mom. They were and always will be priceless. And I hope to pass this on to my children. Whenever they join us. In the meantime, I've ended up with a very fantastic MIL. She and I are good friends and my one gripe about her is that she moved to Wisconsin. Nothing against WI at all - it's just too far away from Texas. She, unlike me, grew up with a mother who absolutely would NOT share the kitchen. The downfall of not sharing the kitchen is that my MIL did not get to learn a great many of wonderful things in the kitchen that her own mother knows. Prior to last year, my MIL would never have even tried a Thanksgiving feast. She felt inadequate, which is truly sad because she is a great cook. Last year, my husband and I hosted Thanksgiving. Her self-proclaimed goal was "to watch [me] and to do as [she] was told". And she did. And she did well with the dishes she did. And she was surprised that oven-roasted turkeys are better than bagged (i.e. steamed) turkeys. This year, we are hosting Thanksgiving again. And she has declared she will do more. She wants to help with the stuffing instead of observing. Back to the stuffing, my mom and I would get up and get everything chopped. And we'd both stand at the stove with two skillets running each. It is amazing how much stuffing fits in a bird. A Lap-Band® side note- maybe this is the wrong attitude but I don't and will never feel guilty about eating the stuffing. It is the first thing to go even though we always make two additional pans of the stuff. There are never leftovers of the stuffing. One serving a year is not my downfall! My MIL - wants to be the other person at the stove this year. I love that. I especially love that I have MIL that thinks she can learn from me. That is the greatest compliment I think you can give someone - learn their ways.:smile2::thanks: I can't wait until Thanksgiving. Not to mention, we have the whole week off and that will just be a very pleasant break! And furthermore it means we get to see the MIL and the S-DIL. They are in WI right now "winterizing" their house and they come HOME that week! Hubby and I are both looking forward to their arrival! I love this time of year!

I feel cheated by yesterday's appointments. The appointment with the nutritionist went just fine and even as I'd expected. I do wish that I'd remembered that appt was first because I would not have "hassled" her with my questions on insurance. But the appointment with the nurse practitioner...I'm not sure it was meaningful. I ended up missing work because everything involved with the insurance and then determining if I would even be qualified to do the sleep study kept me there far too late. I got there at 9:45 and didn't leave until well after 2 - and how is that anything I should have expected based on a weigh in? She listened to my heart and lungs and deemed me healthy. Yeah. Not concerned! I find it funny that - from the mouth of my mom, years ago, a Nurse Practitioner - doctors, PA's and nurse practitioners listen to your heart and lungs because "the patient expects them to". I hate it when they do that and there isn't any reason for me to be there other than - you called me in to give me bloodwork results. Bloodwork results say I'm fine. So why would you listen to my heart and lungs? They were fine three days ago... That RNP didn't really offer any suggestions. She didn't really converse with me about how this past month went. She didn't converse with me about what a goal might be for the next month. So what was the point? To keep me from work? To keep me from the place that is giving me the money to pay for this unnecessary visit? Do health practitioners even get that? And then. To talk to that "advocate", and I use the term very losely, and get so much misinformation. Why'd I go there? If it's on me to determine my eligibility - why don't I just do this myself? Yeah, stupid question. I know there is so much more that happens. If it's on me to examine my diet and determine what to focus on next, why don't I just do this myself? Wait. I am. And according to my obesity surgery rider - I am expected to fail this program. :drool: That is just hard hard hard to stomach. Ok. So I'm going to spend the next five months relearning how to eat. But if it really is about what I eat - no preservatives, no artificial crap, no no no...then won't that cause me to lose weight? As I have read through here I have now developed a fear of losing weight. Why? Because yes, I can lose it. But as has been my history for the last ten years, I won't keep it off. And I have too much risk for too many bad things and I don't want to gain it all back yet again. So I want to make this happen and I expect to be successful. Because I want to keep it off for good. This band isn't about losing the weight. This band is about keeping the weight off. And I will do that with lifestyle changes - doing what I inherently know and simultaneously turning over new leafs. But how do you take this seriously when the goal of this "supervised weightloss program" is to "fail"? How does that start my adaptation if I have to consistently go behind myself and un-do my weightloss? On another note, I am seriously looking forward to Thanksgiving. I think my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving and it's because of the years that I had with the most wonderful Mom that ever lived - my very own. She was not a super cook through out the year. She cooked a great meal every night of the week - or we had leftovers - but she was time conscious and with both my step-dad and my dad (at different times) being unwilling to try some things, she was not necessarily adventurous with her cooking. But Thanksgiving. OH, Thanksgiving. :drool: We'd have my family to our house. I grew up in a very large house but was an only child. My grandmother, mother of seven, lived in a very small house. So they came to us. My mom would go all out. We lived in California and had a beautiful patio that would accomodate enough tables and chairs for 60 people to have a sitdown meal. We would have a smoked turkey and a roasted turkey. We would have all the fixings. But the best thing to me was the stuffing. I love the stuffing because I loved loved loved making it with my Mom. We'd set the bread out to stale the night before. And we'd get up at 6am to break it into pieces and saute it with butter, onions, celery and our secret seasonings. It was so amazingly simple - and to me, it can't be beat. Add whatever you want - the turkey is the best way to get flavor in the stuffing. We'd get the birds stuffed and into the ovens. And then we would prep as much of the rest as we could. My aunts would start arriving between 10-11 and they would join us. My mom never pushed or cajoled anyone to do anything. If YOU wanted to make the waldorf salad - fine, make it. If someone else wanted to make whatever, fine, make it. If you were tired of cooking/baking/clearning - then go watch or play football, depending on the time of the day. I loved every single Thanksgiving I had with my mom. They were and always will be priceless. And I hope to pass this on to my children. Whenever they join us. In the meantime, I've ended up with a very fantastic MIL. She and I are good friends and my one gripe about her is that she moved to Wisconsin. Nothing against WI at all - it's just too far away from Texas. She, unlike me, grew up with a mother who absolutely would NOT share the kitchen. The downfall of not sharing the kitchen is that my MIL did not get to learn a great many of wonderful things in the kitchen that her own mother knows. Prior to last year, my MIL would never have even tried a Thanksgiving feast. She felt inadequate, which is truly sad because she is a great cook. Last year, my husband and I hosted Thanksgiving. Her self-proclaimed goal was "to watch [me] and to do as [she] was told". And she did. And she did well with the dishes she did. And she was surprised that oven-roasted turkeys are better than bagged (i.e. steamed) turkeys. This year, we are hosting Thanksgiving again. And she has declared she will do more. She wants to help with the stuffing instead of observing. Back to the stuffing, my mom and I would get up and get everything chopped. And we'd both stand at the stove with two skillets running each. It is amazing how much stuffing fits in a bird. A Lap-Band® side note- maybe this is the wrong attitude but I don't and will never feel guilty about eating the stuffing. It is the first thing to go even though we always make two additional pans of the stuff. There are never leftovers of the stuffing. One serving a year is not my downfall! My MIL - wants to be the other person at the stove this year. I love that. I especially love that I have MIL that thinks she can learn from me. That is the greatest compliment I think you can give someone - learn their ways.:drool: I can't wait until Thanksgiving. Not to mention, we have the whole week off and that will just be a very pleasant break! And furthermore it means we get to see the MIL and the S-DIL. They are in WI right now "winterizing" their house and they come HOME that week! Hubby and I are both looking forward to their arrival! I love this time of year!

That is so awesome! I hope you have fun at PSU this weekend with DS1!

501's sound like a great milestone. Take some pics and post them on here... As for the cheating - funny story. I got kicked out of my school in 2nd grade for helping a fellow classmate cheat. We were taking a test on telling time. Initially, when we turned the test in we were supposed to return to our chairs and sit quietly while the rest of the class finished. After awhile, though, most kids were finished and started to get restless so the teacher sent the finished kids out for recess as they finished. I was the student monitor for the week so I was not allowed to leave the room until all students were finished and after enough kids left the room, our teacher was required to be on the playground and not in the classroom. So she left and it ended up being me and this one little guy named Ryan left in that room. Mind you, we were 7 years old. Ryan sat there and sat there and sat there and studied that test. And he ended up crying. And this broke my heart. So I went over to him and asked what was the matter. He said there were these two clocks he just couldn't tell the time on. So I walked him through what it meant. I didn't tell him the answer - I got him to think it out for himself. And ultimatley, before he could answer both questions, our teacher - Mrs. Haviland - walked back in. She sees me sitting next to Ryan talking to him and proclaims we are cheaters. Yeah. We were. But in the ten minutes I spent with him, he learned to tell time whereas in the 2 days we'd spent with Mrs. Haviland he still didn't grasp it. Ryan also lived on my street. And he told me later that he ended up being able to tell time because of me. And I ended up in a better school to boot! So is cheating really that bad? Sometimes - it works out for the best! But aside from the funny story - this is NOT cheating! This is life altering. This is harder, even. It is NOT easy, it is NOT a walk in the park - and if she doesn't get this - that is HER problem - not yours. Family, you gotta love em...

Instead of asking "why with this band will I succeed?", ask "why with this band would I fail?" Sometimes it really is all about perspective.

One thing I can say in favor of the band in regard to a few of the cons you mentioned for the band is something my surgeon identified. You can also find out more information on this on the Lap-Band site. The technology behind it has changed in the past couple of years or so. There is a new technique for placing the band that was developed in response to many of the issues that were happening with the patients who had the band put in pre-2007. Furthermore, the band itself has been updated it's on v2 if you will. Again, in response to issues patients were having pre-2007. Ultimately this is supposed to lead to a band that should have fewer issues - less incidence of slippage, less incidence of obstructions. (And ports are being placed deeper because of that problem being pretty common back in the day.) It is an option, from what I know, to be rebanded with the new technology, as well. However, with the sleeve being irreversible, and band not being an option after that procedure, that's what has me leaning towards the band. If the band doesn't work, it is possible to have it taken out and move on to the sleeve....

I just wrote up a ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry about the grr of the day I've had.... And then.... Just before I finished writing it up, I looked at my husband and said what about that other company your employer offers coverage through. So while I finished writing that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry he started looking through that website for info. And about the time I finished my ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry and all that typing, he gave up on the website and called. Yeah, they couldn't help. He needs the group number first. And he said he can't think of anyone in his department that uses that coverage vs. the Aetna coverage. BUT. BUT.. This made me think to myself. Since my clinic seems to be confused - why don't I call MYSELF and see what the official answer is from the source? So I called Cigna. And after that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry....I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT need two years history. So the first answer was correct. And the lady on the phone pointed me to the actual coverage document in pdf format so I could download it and TAKE IT WITH ME TO THE NEXT dagged appointment. Furthermore. THAT DOCUMENT...DECLARES - I must FAIL this six month weight loss program. Literally says the word FAILURE. Which is ALSO contradicting what they told me today. They told me today - lose all the weight you want. It's fine. The TRUTH is, apparently...fail this program. "Learn" the correct ways of eating and get the bad ways out of your system - but ultimately, from what I read in the official policy it says that this program IS NOT supposed to be successful. I read this somewhere else. Don't gain. Lose very little. But stay steady. That's the goal. Just maintain.... Sigh. Games. Hate em! :mad: :frown: :smile2: :ohmy: :wub:

I hope this will make sense but the band isn't so much about restriction - on your part - as it is about choosing what you eat wisely. The band will help you feel satisfied sooner, hence the restriction. You can still eat. And, according to my surgeon, there are days built into the weightloss time frame where you can eat those things you might miss. YOU just have to be careful about the choices you make. The band is a lifestyle change, not a magic answer. It is a tool that changes your body's feedback response, but if you eat around it - you can negate that. Only you can know if you are ready. My insurance is requiring a six month weight loss program and I have to say I AM SO GLAD FOR IT! If I were self-pay and just went into this and did it, I'd be setting myself up for failure. NOW is the time that I am getting to adjust to the changes I will HAVE to make. But by the time I HAVE to make them, I will have made them and fully expect to be just fine. Self-fulfilling prophecy's are generally pretty true. If you think you can - you will. If you think you can't - you will. If you can, do the psych consult that all the insurance companies require but that doesn't seem to be required for self-pay patients. I think there is a lot of merit in that. Talk this out with someone. There is no reason to rush willy-nilly into this because this is a HUGE change. I'd also recommend seeing a nutritionist. That person pointed out to me that it's not about 'throwing away all the bad stuff in the pantry right this very instant'. It's about thinking about the choices I'm making and trying to make an educated choice based on what I really do know how to do. Those "bad" things aren't the culprit. It's TOO MUCH of the bad things...either in one sitting or at every meal. The band doesn't mean you never get to eat chocolate again. The band means that you should THINK about whether that chocolate is really the best thing to eat. If I'd had my way - I would have been self-pay and I'd have been banded right now. And I would be struggling and failing because I wouldn't have known what I was really doing. I appreciate my insurance company's requirements.

So today was important. But not for reasons that I had anticipated. I was told I needed letters of medical necessity from every physician that treats me. For me that means my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got the letter from my PCP last month. But the earliest I could get into see my OB/GYN was today. He agreed to give me the letter. I had that appt right at 8 am and then headed into the medical center to my second weightloss appt and my nutrition consult. So I had it backwards in my head about which appt came first. I thought the nutrition consult was second. So this person comes in and doesn't identify herself as "the nutritionist", just gives me her name and asks if I had any questions. So I asked her all my general questions about my insurance predicament. Man. I didn't really KNOW what that predicament was. Cause it's a whole lotta different than I thought it was. There's a new one...and it's the real one... She didn't know, told me I'd have to talk to my advocate who was not there today. Said call her Monday. So we have some general conversation about my diet over the last month. I told her about my cleaning out of the pantry and my moves towards the "good stuff". I really am eating the good stuff with just little snippets of the bad stuff here and there - mostly on weekends. Most of what is in my pantry will be ok to restock in the future if I so desired. Still a few clean out things - but she wasn't into that whole "just throw it all out" notion. She was more into "be aware" - which I think I am and she claimed to think I was at the end of the appt, too. But in the last half hour with her I realized - she's the nutritionist and then in the last twenty minutes she got on her little soap box and the judging began. Oh well. I do hate that - but I have never met a nutritionist that CAN'T judge... Ok. So no real problems so far. The Nurse Practitioner eventually wanders in after the nutrition consult was over and she listens to my heart and lungs and says good job and is ready to send me on my merry way. Hold on...I think to myself. Since I now know I was talking to the nutritionist I'm thinking some of my "vague" questions might be answerable by the RNP. And two of them were. Yay! Somewhere along the line in the conversation with the nutritionist I think to myself - why can't I see one of the advocates that IS here. It doesn't have to be anything specific to my case, it doesn't mean anyone is looking up my specifics. I just had some general questions. And the RNP suggested that I do that...talk to one of the advocates that WAS there. So they go tell the advocate that was still there at the lunch hour that I have some questions and she comes and gets me after a bit. And I tell her my story. My company is changing my insurance options pretty drastically and I'll be left with a hefty deductible and a hefty OOP-Max (Out Of Pocket) or I'll be left with a ginormous deductible and a ginormous OOP-Max. The one with the ginormous options comes with a HSA, though - a health savings account. It's kinda like a health spending account but money left in the savings account at the end of the year will not be forfeited. And my employer will treat it like a 401K and will be putting money in that account for me as well as my own contributions. That account is (according to my employer) designed to pay for my healthcare after I retire. A third option is to switch to my husbands plans. He is currently on mine but we can walk away from mine and he would go back to his and I'd start up on his. If we did that, we could get a plan that is fairly comparable to my current plan - and the surgery would be paid for. Premiums are a bit higher than my two options - but they are actually $16 less than what we are currently paying. My insurance provider is Cigna. My husband's through his employer is Aetna. I know I have the Cigna requirements for eligibility that I was given last month covered. A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians. On the other hand, Aetna's requirements for my husbands optional plans are: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 3 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from my PCP and a 2 year history of obesity So my question going in was is obesity a BMI over 40? Or is over 35 sufficient since I am NOW over 40? Yep, gotta have a minimum of 40 for all two years or more. I have no comorbidities. I don't want any. My dad died from type II diabetes and heart disease and my mom died from colon cancer. I have PLENTY of risks already - I don't need to add the weight, dagnabit!!!! I love that word! And then this advocate lady says - Aetna is the same as what you need for Cigna, so I'd recommend switching. No. I have this form RIGHT here that THIS office gave me that says my requirements are: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians And she says, no, for your group on Cigna you need: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from my PCP and a 2 year history of obesity And follows that with - what piece of paper do you have? So I pull it out of my handy dandy little folder and hand it to her. And she reads the top line. And she says - you shouldn't have this form, this isn't YOUR group. So I'm not eligible. Now. After doing the pysch consult. The nutrition consult. After redoing the stress test and my cardiologist I never saw in the first place signing off on it. After having my PCP and my OB/GYN agree to it. After ALL of that - and 4-8 missed hours of work EACH week since I started down this path - I find out I AM NOT ELIGIBLE :ohmy::mad::frown::crying::smile2::scared2::wub::mad: So she starts digging further. How did I get given this misinformation? Turns out THIS lady IS my advocate. Who knows why the other lady's name is written all over my chart - the one I am talking to is the one that has handled everything for my case so far. And now it makes sense. See. The problem is that I have not even been at this weight for a year let alone two. And my advocate breaks it down like this. If I do Aetna, I will be done with the weightloss program in early Jan. They submit my package, I get my approval, surgery in Feb. OK. Since they submit the package in Jan, Aetna will want two years which means going back to Jan of 2008. Jan 2008 = 132 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 37.4 Jan 2009 = 138 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 38.4. It was in March/April of this year that my weight went crazy putting me over the BMI of 40. I gain weight when I get OFF of birth control. I have gotten off of birth control four times and four times I have had the same reaction - 30-40 pounds before my hormones are back to normal and then I can hold steady from there. It is generally fairly easy for me to maintain a weight. It is literally when I play with my hormones that I get in trouble. With that said, sometimes my hormones play with themselves - and I know as I get older they will do that even more. And those times are just as damaging for my weight control. So that part that "makes sense". In October I went into my surgeon's office. And the RNP there told me that I would qualify if I proved two comorbidities along with my BMI of 40. And to prove those comorbidities I would need to go to this other clinic in the medical center where I would also do my six month supervised weight loss program. I have high cholesterol. She told me that would be one comorbidity and probably doing a sleep study would prove the second one. So I should be good. But I get to this other clinic a few days later and they say - no, you don't need any comorbidities. So this advocate - still scared to call her mine cause am I gonna end up with someone else later? - says well then lets get a sleep study. Are you drowsy in the afternoon? No. Do you wake up with headaches? No. Do you snore? My husband says No. Hmmm...then I won't qualify as needing a sleep study. And then she says - get this - well, you could do some things to prove type 2 diabetes? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? The disease that KILLED my dad - you want me to "play around with that"? Really? My blood pressure is absurdly LOW. Got any tricks for screwing that up? My heart has been deamed healthy by none other than a cardiologist. So she goes and gets the RNP eventually. Apparently you can be determined as qualified for a sleep study if 1) your neck is too big, 2) your waist is too big, and 3) if you say you are sleepy during the day. 1) my neck is huge. :tt2: I call it a football neck. It works on my body, I have a very strong neck and if we have boys when my husband and I have kids - they will have a good build for being football players. I like my neck. I will be happy when it loses weight, but I don't have an issue with my "huge" neck. 2) my waist is large. I'm fat. That was easy. 3) sure - I can say I'm sleepy. I sit at a computer all day long and around mid afternoon I get bored. And when I get bored, I get sleepy.

I just wrote up a ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry about the grr of the day I've had.... And then.... Just before I finished writing it up, I looked at my husband and said what about that other company your employer offers coverage through. So while I finished writing that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry he started looking through that website for info. And about the time I finished my ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry and all that typing, he gave up on the website and called. Yeah, they couldn't help. He needs the group number first. And he said he can't think of anyone in his department that uses that coverage vs. the Aetna coverage. BUT. BUT.. This made me think to myself. Since my clinic seems to be confused - why don't I call MYSELF and see what the official answer is from the source? So I called Cigna. And after that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry....I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT need two years history. So the first answer was correct. And the lady on the phone pointed me to the actual coverage document in pdf format so I could download it and TAKE IT WITH ME TO THE NEXT dagged appointment. Furthermore. THAT DOCUMENT...DECLARES - I must FAIL this six month weight loss program. Literally says the word FAILURE. Which is ALSO contradicting what they told me today. They told me today - lose all the weight you want. It's fine. The TRUTH is, apparently...fail this program. "Learn" the correct ways of eating and get the bad ways out of your system - but ultimately, from what I read in the official policy it says that this program IS NOT supposed to be successful. I read this somewhere else. Don't gain. Lose very little. But stay steady. That's the goal. Just maintain.... Sigh. Games. Hate em! :drool: :drool: :drool:

So I can do the sleep study. And then here's the trick. I have to have severe sleep apnea. We shall see. But here's what I'm wondering? What does that help? I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER COMORBIDITIES? The advocate lady says I can write a letter. I can say in my letter Look, my dad died from diseases that obesity contributes to. My mom died from a cancer that can be caused by weight problems. I have enough to be concerned with in my future, I need to get this weight off FOR GOOD. I can say in my letter that my weight is hormone related even though my TSH has always been "normal". I can say in my letter whatever I want. But. At the end of the day. Here's the big thing to take away from ALL of today. My request is very probably going to be denied. Straight from the advocate lady's lips. So how much more of this do I do? I mean, yeah - the six month supervised weight loss program is good for two years. So lets say I don't get approved and I can't lose the weight on my own. Well. I'd still have all this done. BUT. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT! Let's think about this. If I "do this on my own" and get down at ALL, then I will get down below a BMI of 40 pretty quickly. So THAT doesn't give me the history. Ok. So then I need to gain weight? Ok. Stay steady? FOR TWO YEARS?:drool: Sigh. So how much more of this do I do? Because at the end of the day - this IS costing me money and we should definitely not be spending it right now. Because at the end of the day - my insurance IS going to change on Jan 1 and depending on what option we go with, more money may be coming out of pocket pretty soon. And if I'm going to do all this just to learn "I have to do it myself", well, then why did I part with even a penny? Not to mention that meanwhile, as I'm waiting for this six month time period to pass I feel like I have to manipulate the weight loss so that not too much is lost. In the past month, with all the changes I DID successfully make I think I would have been down 15 pounds if I'd left well enough alone. But being scared to "lose too much weight", I, on two separate weekends, did some things to gain some of it back. Why can't I just lose the weight and call it good? Furthermore - I wanted, desperately wanted to be lifting weights. But I know how my body reacts to lifting weights while increasing protein and I "couldn't take that gamble" since I could conceivably lose too much. Ok. So why do I want to do this? Cause I WANT TO KEEP IT OFF! OK. So maybe these are signs. First the insurance. Now the misinformation I was given. Maybe this is all a sign that either means 1) not now or 2) just do what you know to do.... Sigh....

So I can do the sleep study. And then here's the trick. I have to have severe sleep apnea. We shall see. But here's what I'm wondering? What does that help? I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER COMORBIDITIES? The advocate lady says I can write a letter. I can say in my letter Look, my dad died from diseases that obesity contributes to. My mom died from a cancer that can be caused by weight problems. I have enough to be concerned with in my future, I need to get this weight off FOR GOOD. I can say in my letter that my weight is hormone related even though my TSH has always been "normal". I can say in my letter whatever I want. But. At the end of the day. Here's the big thing to take away from ALL of today. My request is very probably going to be denied. Straight from the advocate lady's lips. So how much more of this do I do? I mean, yeah - the six month supervised weight loss program is good for two years. So lets say I don't get approved and I can't lose the weight on my own. Well. I'd still have all this done. BUT. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT! Let's think about this. If I "do this on my own" and get down at ALL, then I will get down below a BMI of 40 pretty quickly. So THAT doesn't give me the history. Ok. So then I need to gain weight? Ok. Stay steady? FOR TWO YEARS?:wub::frown::smile2: Sigh. So how much more of this do I do? Because at the end of the day - this IS costing me money and we should definitely not be spending it right now. Because at the end of the day - my insurance IS going to change on Jan 1 and depending on what option we go with, more money may be coming out of pocket pretty soon. And if I'm going to do all this just to learn "I have to do it myself", well, then why did I part with even a penny? Not to mention that meanwhile, as I'm waiting for this six month time period to pass I feel like I have to manipulate the weight loss so that not too much is lost. In the past month, with all the changes I DID successfully make I think I would have been down 15 pounds if I'd left well enough alone. But being scared to "lose too much weight", I, on two separate weekends, did some things to gain some of it back. Why can't I just lose the weight and call it good? Furthermore - I wanted, desperately wanted to be lifting weights. But I know how my body reacts to lifting weights while increasing protein and I "couldn't take that gamble" since I could conceivably lose too much. Ok. So why do I want to do this? Cause I WANT TO KEEP IT OFF! OK. So maybe these are signs. First the insurance. Now the misinformation I was given. Maybe this is all a sign that either means 1) not now or 2) just do what you know to do.... Sigh....

So today was important. But not for reasons that I had anticipated. I was told I needed letters of medical necessity from every physician that treats me. For me that means my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got the letter from my PCP last month. But the earliest I could get into see my OB/GYN was today. He agreed to give me the letter. I had that appt right at 8 am and then headed into the medical center to my second weightloss appt and my nutrition consult. So I had it backwards in my head about which appt came first. I thought the nutrition consult was second. So this person comes in and doesn't identify herself as "the nutritionist", just gives me her name and asks if I had any questions. So I asked her all my general questions about my insurance predicament. Man. I didn't really KNOW what that predicament was. Cause it's a whole lotta different than I thought it was. There's a new one...and it's the real one... She didn't know, told me I'd have to talk to my advocate who was not there today. Said call her Monday. So we have some general conversation about my diet over the last month. I told her about my cleaning out of the pantry and my moves towards the "good stuff". I really am eating the good stuff with just little snippets of the bad stuff here and there - mostly on weekends. Most of what is in my pantry will be ok to restock in the future if I so desired. Still a few clean out things - but she wasn't into that whole "just throw it all out" notion. She was more into "be aware" - which I think I am and she claimed to think I was at the end of the appt, too. But in the last half hour with her I realized - she's the nutritionist and then in the last twenty minutes she got on her little soap box and the judging began. Oh well. I do hate that - but I have never met a nutritionist that CAN'T judge... Ok. So no real problems so far. The Nurse Practitioner eventually wanders in after the nutrition consult was over and she listens to my heart and lungs and says good job and is ready to send me on my merry way. Hold on...I think to myself. Since I now know I was talking to the nutritionist I'm thinking some of my "vague" questions might be answerable by the RNP. And two of them were. Yay! Somewhere along the line in the conversation with the nutritionist I think to myself - why can't I see one of the advocates that IS here. It doesn't have to be anything specific to my case, it doesn't mean anyone is looking up my specifics. I just had some general questions. And the RNP suggested that I do that...talk to one of the advocates that WAS there. So they go tell the advocate that was still there at the lunch hour that I have some questions and she comes and gets me after a bit. And I tell her my story. My company is changing my insurance options pretty drastically and I'll be left with a hefty deductible and a hefty OOP-Max (Out Of Pocket) or I'll be left with a ginormous deductible and a ginormous OOP-Max. The one with the ginormous options comes with a HSA, though - a health savings account. It's kinda like a health spending account but money left in the savings account at the end of the year will not be forfeited. And my employer will treat it like a 401K and will be putting money in that account for me as well as my own contributions. That account is (according to my employer) designed to pay for my healthcare after I retire. A third option is to switch to my husbands plans. He is currently on mine but we can walk away from mine and he would go back to his and I'd start up on his. If we did that, we could get a plan that is fairly comparable to my current plan - and the surgery would be paid for. Premiums are a bit higher than my two options - but they are actually $16 less than what we are currently paying. My insurance provider is Cigna. My husband's through his employer is Aetna. I know I have the Cigna requirements for eligibility that I was given last month covered. A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians. On the other hand, Aetna's requirements for my husbands optional plans are: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 3 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from my PCP and a 2 year history of obesity So my question going in was is obesity a BMI over 40? Or is over 35 sufficient since I am NOW over 40? Yep, gotta have a minimum of 40 for all two years or more. I have no comorbidities. I don't want any. My dad died from type II diabetes and heart disease and my mom died from colon cancer. I have PLENTY of risks already - I don't need to add the weight, dagnabit!!!! I love that word! And then this advocate lady says - Aetna is the same as what you need for Cigna, so I'd recommend switching. No. I have this form RIGHT here that THIS office gave me that says my requirements are: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians And she says, no, for your group on Cigna you need: A BMI over 40 a nutrition consult a pysch eval a 6 month supervised weightloss program letters of medical necessity from my PCP and a 2 year history of obesity And follows that with - what piece of paper do you have? So I pull it out of my handy dandy little folder and hand it to her. And she reads the top line. And she says - you shouldn't have this form, this isn't YOUR group. So I'm not eligible. Now. After doing the pysch consult. The nutrition consult. After redoing the stress test and my cardiologist I never saw in the first place signing off on it. After having my PCP and my OB/GYN agree to it. After ALL of that - and 4-8 missed hours of work EACH week since I started down this path - I find out I AM NOT ELIGIBLE :drool::ohmy::drool::drool::drool::drool: So she starts digging further. How did I get given this misinformation? Turns out THIS lady IS my advocate. Who knows why the other lady's name is written all over my chart - the one I am talking to is the one that has handled everything for my case so far. And now it makes sense. See. The problem is that I have not even been at this weight for a year let alone two. And my advocate breaks it down like this. If I do Aetna, I will be done with the weightloss program in early Jan. They submit my package, I get my approval, surgery in Feb. OK. Since they submit the package in Jan, Aetna will want two years which means going back to Jan of 2008. Jan 2008 = 132 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 37.4 Jan 2009 = 138 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 38.4. It was in March/April of this year that my weight went crazy putting me over the BMI of 40. I gain weight when I get OFF of birth control. I have gotten off of birth control four times and four times I have had the same reaction - 30-40 pounds before my hormones are back to normal and then I can hold steady from there. It is generally fairly easy for me to maintain a weight. It is literally when I play with my hormones that I get in trouble. With that said, sometimes my hormones play with themselves - and I know as I get older they will do that even more. And those times are just as damaging for my weight control. So that part that "makes sense". In October I went into my surgeon's office. And the RNP there told me that I would qualify if I proved two comorbidities along with my BMI of 40. And to prove those comorbidities I would need to go to this other clinic in the medical center where I would also do my six month supervised weight loss program. I have high cholesterol. She told me that would be one comorbidity and probably doing a sleep study would prove the second one. So I should be good. But I get to this other clinic a few days later and they say - no, you don't need any comorbidities. So this advocate - still scared to call her mine cause am I gonna end up with someone else later? - says well then lets get a sleep study. Are you drowsy in the afternoon? No. Do you wake up with headaches? No. Do you snore? My husband says No. Hmmm...then I won't qualify as needing a sleep study. And then she says - get this - well, you could do some things to prove type 2 diabetes? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? The disease that KILLED my dad - you want me to "play around with that"? Really? My blood pressure is absurdly LOW. Got any tricks for screwing that up? My heart has been deamed healthy by none other than a cardiologist. So she goes and gets the RNP eventually. Apparently you can be determined as qualified for a sleep study if 1) your neck is too big, 2) your waist is too big, and 3) if you say you are sleepy during the day. 1) my neck is huge. :ohmy: I call it a football neck. It works on my body, I have a very strong neck and if we have boys when my husband and I have kids - they will have a good build for being football players. I like my neck. I will be happy when it loses weight, but I don't have an issue with my "huge" neck. 2) my waist is large. I'm fat. That was easy. 3) sure - I can say I'm sleepy. I sit at a computer all day long and around mid afternoon I get bored. And when I get bored, I get sleepy.

That is so awesome! I am so happy for you and hope you continue to enjoy this journey! I love your attitude and perspective - keep it up!

How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside? When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was. How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that. All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family. My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless. My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless. My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy. I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms". I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down. I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE! Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine? Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were. But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be. I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok. I'm ok, you're ok, right? :smile2: I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.

I would - but I would want to do all the things that the insurance companies are requiring - even if I were self-pay. The consult with the nutritionist, the psych consult, the weightloss program. All this "prep" work is getting me into the mindset now instead of having to go cold turkey and just suddenly change. As for not being "big enough" - if you can do it now - why wait until you are? Let's just assume that you DO follow the genetics - would you rather get this done now or later? To be clear, though - this ISN'T magic, it IS hard work and it WILL require change and introspection. And I'm not banded yet, so I'm still discovering new things every day about how I feel and think about this. If I'd had the option to do this earlier I definitely would have.

I understand about it feeling good to get it out there. I am trying, with my blog, to get it out there so that in the future when I may forget, I can reread my thoughts and put myself back on track. Hence the blournal. More than a blog - but not a journal since it's public... I lost my mom in May 2004. Sadly - I must share this - it never gets better, although it does change over time. I still miss her deeply. I wish I could have conversations with her about the current economic climate. I wish I could have conversations with her about my husband. I wish I could have her back. The "type" of missing is different, though, and the grief is something I am accustomed to, if you will. But one thing I will say there is it is ok to feel sad. How can you ever feel happy if you can't feel it's opposite? How can you ever feel anything beneficial if you can't feel it's opposite? I resisted that for so long - but something I've learned over time, especially with my husband - a good fight makes me LOVE him more! That anger, that frustration all equates to a better relationship and a stronger us. If you can manage it, don't resist the negative. Easier said than done, for sure! How do you start? Baby steps. How do you make yourself do things? Ask yourself if the alternative is better. Having a bad day? Would you rather be dead? Yes, harsh - but it's a wake up call. Bad days are STILL better than the alternative. Don't want to push yourself? How will you ever be better? If you get out of bed every morning, though, then you ARE pushing yourself. Sometimes it just takes a change in perspective, not a change in approach. Think of what you ARE doing, not what you THINK you are not doing. I guarantee you will find you are doing more than you think. And one little disclaimer to make - I definitely don't mean to be coming across as preachy or bossy and if it seems that way then I am truly sorry. I'm suggesting alternative ways of thinking - that's all.

How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside? When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was. How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that. All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family. My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless. My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless. My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy. I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms". I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down. I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE! Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine? Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were. But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be. I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok. I'm ok, you're ok, right? I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.