everleigh

...something comes up to likely stop it altogther. Finally, after waiting 3 weeks for the initial wls seminars in my area for the 2 drs I'm considering (& getting my DH on board for me to get lap band (self pay) ) we just found out that DH may be out of his job! More than me getting wls, I'm so sad for him. The worst part is that he's not getting laid off. His industry isn't bad. Its literally like they just are letting him go for no reason. Well, they haven't officially yet but its looking that way. He spent yesterday refreshing his resume & contacting other firms. We'll see what happens. I haven't worked in almost 4 years. Its a little embarassing to make a student loan payment on a degree you don't use but I hope to work one day again. I always used to feel like I was overlooked, underused, and unappreciated because I was fat & frumpy. (Technically, I still am! ) Anyhow, I don't currently bring in an income to help. Fortunately, dh is an excellent saver & we can live for almost a year if he was out of work. Unfortunately for me, it was to be some of that savings for lapband. Now what do I do? Dh and I are supposed to go to wls seminar #1 tonight (for the Davis Clinic here in Houston.) I already know my insurance doesn't cover any bariatric surgery (but even if it did- my husband's insurance is now precarious as it is.) I was so excited at the prospect of lap band before the holidays. Now I feel guilty. Dh said we could still go to seminars and if his employment situation changes, it may still happen that I get 'banded' (someday.) I hope tonight brings some good alternatives & ideas for payment. On the one hand I really feel this surgery will save my life. On the other- how do I reconcile taking food off our table if given the option? I'll update post seminar.

(CONTINUED...) 2008 I entered the local weight loss competition. I ordered Nutrisystem, worked out up to 2 hrs a day, and gave up soda and alcohol. After three months, I lost 50 lbs and won the competition. On top of winning tons of prizes, I lost 12 inches just around my waist! In 3 months, I went from a size 24 to 14/16. 250 to 200 lbs. Posters were made, the company sent out community flyers with photos of my before and after. And after all of this, after over 90 days of complete clean eating and exercise-mania.. I was STILL starving. Why was I STILL craving food? It wasn't like I didn't like to exercise. It also wasn't like I didn't like healthy food. I just wanted tons. I didn't just want one bowl of salad or veggies, I want three bowls. I was able to be thinner for about 2 months before everyone around me started noticing that I was getting fat again. Now, not only was I getting back to fat, EVERYONE in my community knew it. They had all seen the sucess flyer of thin me just recently. By the end of 2008, I was back to 250 lbs but in complete denial about it. Beginning of 2009 I gave up. I decided I was sick of it all and wasn't going to be miserable with food. By Spring I was 270 lbs. I had stopped working out completely because my knees and back hurt so bad. I looked at my daughter and thought I had to do something. I decided to go vegetarian because I had wanted to for a while and wasn't ever into meat anyway. I subscribed to eating clean. I told myself that despite always being hungry, I was only gonna eat healthy stuff. Mini diets followed since but I never really lost much this year because I didn't work out. My body is physically tapped by the end of the day just chasing after and taking care of my toddler. Last month I realized my neighbors (who all know each other) were talking about me- the hermit, who stays inside all day & night with her kid, eating. I weigh more than all of the men on the street now. My poor husband. I feel bad that I must embarass him. I went to my endocrinologist who told me the only long lasting weight loss solution was bariatric surgery. He thought I'd be a good candidate and that but for that- there's no way to "turn off" that hunger switch that always seems to be on in my head. An acquaintance also told me that she was getting Gastric Bypass. I realized I was jealous a bit. I wanted to change my life. I don't want to miss out on "life" and I don't want my daughter and husband to either. I went to a cardiologist and my digestive drs to see if I would even be a candidate and both agreed. It's time for an intervention. I'm borderline diabetes and my quality of life is definitely suffering. I called in mid September to two local drs to see about getting a consult and both require attending their seminars. This unfortunately caused me to have to wait three weeks for the next dates to come up. My insurance does not cover WLS so I will be a self pay. I had this convoluded idea (dream) that this would all happen super quick and I would be on my way to a new life. For the past three weeks all I can think about is getting surgery. I've researched, gotten mentally prepared, and studied aftercare information. Sites like this one has furthered my excitement and eagerness. I don't want to waste another day! So that is my story so far. I'm hoping I will be able to have surgery before the end of this year. The lap band seems to be the route for me as my drs have said GB is out of the question (due to my vitamin deficiencies already) and I plan to have at least one more child. I feel sort of bad like I bashed on my Mom on here. It's not that she's not fantastic and wasn't VERY involved in all of my activities.. she was at everything! It just seems like even today, all she wants to do is stay home and eat (which is consequently what I want to do too.) I notice even today how her awful eating habits have influenced me. It's NOT her fault but I see where I went wrong early. Had I had a different exposure to food early on it may have made a difference.. or perhaps not. Either way I wouldn't trade my life or my mother for anything! I just don't want my daughter to learn bad habits and behaviors like this from me. I want to change the pattern for our family and be a role model of healthy living. Thanks for reading all of this (or skimming ) I appreciate the support and advice here! everleigh Highest weight ever / Current / Goal 280 / 270 / 150 5'5 10/04/2009

(CONTINUED...) 2008 I entered the local weight loss competition. I ordered Nutrisystem, worked out up to 2 hrs a day, and gave up soda and alcohol. After three months, I lost 50 lbs and won the competition. On top of winning tons of prizes, I lost 12 inches just around my waist! In 3 months, I went from a size 24 to 14/16. 250 to 200 lbs. Posters were made, the company sent out community flyers with photos of my before and after. And after all of this, after over 90 days of complete clean eating and exercise-mania.. I was STILL starving. Why was I STILL craving food? It wasn't like I didn't like to exercise. It also wasn't like I didn't like healthy food. I just wanted tons. I didn't just want one bowl of salad or veggies, I want three bowls. I was able to be thinner for about 2 months before everyone around me started noticing that I was getting fat again. Now, not only was I getting back to fat, EVERYONE in my community knew it. They had all seen the sucess flyer of thin me just recently. By the end of 2008, I was back to 250 lbs but in complete denial about it. Beginning of 2009 I gave up. I decided I was sick of it all and wasn't going to be miserable with food. By Spring I was 270 lbs. I had stopped working out completely because my knees and back hurt so bad. I looked at my daughter and thought I had to do something. I decided to go vegetarian because I had wanted to for a while and wasn't ever into meat anyway. I subscribed to eating clean. I told myself that despite always being hungry, I was only gonna eat healthy stuff. Mini diets followed since but I never really lost much this year because I didn't work out. My body is physically tapped by the end of the day just chasing after and taking care of my toddler. Last month I realized my neighbors (who all know each other) were talking about me- the hermit, who stays inside all day & night with her kid, eating. I weigh more than all of the men on the street now. My poor husband. I feel bad that I must embarass him. I went to my endocrinologist who told me the only long lasting weight loss solution was bariatric surgery. He thought I'd be a good candidate and that but for that- there's no way to "turn off" that hunger switch that always seems to be on in my head. An acquaintance also told me that she was getting Gastric Bypass. I realized I was jealous a bit. I wanted to change my life. I don't want to miss out on "life" and I don't want my daughter and husband to either. I went to a cardiologist and my digestive drs to see if I would even be a candidate and both agreed. It's time for an intervention. I'm borderline diabetes and my quality of life is definitely suffering. I called in mid September to two local drs to see about getting a consult and both require attending their seminars. This unfortunately caused me to have to wait three weeks for the next dates to come up. My insurance does not cover WLS so I will be a self pay. I had this convoluded idea (dream) that this would all happen super quick and I would be on my way to a new life. For the past three weeks all I can think about is getting surgery. I've researched, gotten mentally prepared, and studied aftercare information. Sites like this one has furthered my excitement and eagerness. I don't want to waste another day! So that is my story so far. I'm hoping I will be able to have surgery before the end of this year. The lap band seems to be the route for me as my drs have said GB is out of the question (due to my vitamin deficiencies already) and I plan to have at least one more child. I feel sort of bad like I bashed on my Mom on here. It's not that she's not fantastic and wasn't VERY involved in all of my activities.. she was at everything! It just seems like even today, all she wants to do is stay home and eat (which is consequently what I want to do too.) I notice even today how her awful eating habits have influenced me. It's NOT her fault but I see where I went wrong early. Had I had a different exposure to food early on it may have made a difference.. or perhaps not. Either way I wouldn't trade my life or my mother for anything! I just don't want my daughter to learn bad habits and behaviors like this from me. I want to change the pattern for our family and be a role model of healthy living. Thanks for reading all of this (or skimming ) I appreciate the support and advice here! everleigh Highest weight ever / Current / Goal 280 / 270 / 150 5'5 10/04/2009

I guess this is the first post so many draw back on post surgery and think "I can't believe that was me!" I too want success in my life and it feels like a lot of my personal successes have been stalled or overlooked by my weight problems. Here's my history... I was born a normal weight with no issues. I was involved in tons of sports, dance, and activities as a kid and was very thin until about age 12. After some minor health issues at 12, I started having some unexplained stomach ache problems. I went from dr to dr. Went to specialist after specialist. It was diagnosed as allergies and I went on medications. I was supposed to stay away from foods that triggered the massive stomach aches. Of course as I entered my teen years, I ate what most teenagers ate. In middle school, I first experienced being called fat. I was probably 5'4 and 130 lbs. I was still in dance and sports, but not as much as I used to be. I wasn't the heaviest girl on campus but I was not as thin as most of the girls either. I was somewhere in the middle. I started bugging my mom to help me lose weight. My mother herself was (and still is) about 100 lbs overweight at the time I asked for help. As far back as I can remember, I believe at some point she gave up and decided to be fat. She lost some weight here and there but essentially chose to let her weight control a lot of things. I love her and she's a fantastic mom but now that I'm a mom too, I see so many things that she and I missed out on because she didn't feel comfortable or physically couldn't participate. I also remember on a few occasions other kids talking about how fat she was. In high school my weight fluctuated from 130 to 150 at the most. I was 5'5 and felt HUGE. I was on several of the sports teams and on dance team. I was the largest girl on dance and track at size 12. I bounced from sizes 8 to 12. Most of my friends were a 4 so I thought I was disgusting. I tried some crazy diets, diet pills, exercising like crazy... all to be beat out by the smell of something like pizza and a weak will. I believe the only reason I didn't reach 200 lbs in High School was because I had my stomach issues and I was SO busy with school, sports, dating, dances, friends. I kept very active. Still, as I look back, I wasn't involved in tons of social stuff- I always felt like a cow and didn't go out to large parties or anything. My senior year I did a weight training program and a vegetable diet. I lost 20 lbs and kept it off for about 2 months. After high school when I left to go away to college is where the real trouble began. I had a horrible college roommates and the few friends I thought I had in the dorms all of a sudden didn't like me. I think I had changed and wore my insecurities on my shoulders. I felt sad, alone, worthless. I probably wouldn't have wanted to hang around me either. I amazingly joined a sorority (a pretty good one too) and thank God for that. I'm definitely not your typical sorority girl but had it not been for the sorority I would have left college and not met my future husband. College (especially college in a sorority house) was practically a weight experiment. I went from 140 lbs to 175 lbs my freshman year in the dorm. Then my second year I topped 185 lbs but then went on these Herbalife drops with a few other friends in the sorority and lost 25 lbs. I met a guy who I ended up dating the next two years. He was sort of out of my league but I got comfortable anyway. We ate fast food a lot together (which I of course loved) and yet he DID care if I was fat or not. I would go on diets and look good one minute, then fat and awful the next. We broke up a few times and finally for good before graduation. At work on campus I met my future husband. I was 5'5 and about 150 lbs and a size 10-12. Of course, again, I thought I was humongous. He is a great guy who I thank God I found but that's not to say he loves my weight issues. He never dated anyone overweight before me. Still, I know he loves me. So we date for several years and my weight jumps up and down. I went from size 10 up to 16 and even once to a size 18 from the ages of 22 to 25. I joined Weight Watchers, did MANY at home weight loss videos and programs, crazy diets found online, etc etc. I still had not reached 200 lbs. I had come close but I was still exercising a ton, keeping busy with my career, socializing. Age 26 was the real benchmark. At the beginning of the year I was 180 lbs. By the end of the year, I was 220 lbs. I had done nothing noticeably different. I just gain 40 lbs out of nowhere. I went to the dr and had my thyroid checked but they said it was "alright." My breasts had gotten so big I had a breast reduction. I like to say before I had "40 longs" (40E) and after I was 38C. At age 27, I starved for 4 months before my wedding in 2004 but still weighed 200 lbs and wore a size 18 wedding dress. My wedding was absolutely perfect except for the disappointment and embarassment that 300 people were watching my husband and I up in front where we weighed probably the same. The photos make me cringe a little actually. In 2005, I woke up out of a dead sleep feeling like I was choking. I had a lump in my throat. What did I do? I got up and went to the computer and googled. Everything that came up said "thyroid." I went to a different dr who told me I was actually severely hypothyroid. By this time I weight 230 and had all but stopped working out. My body hurt and I slept about 14 hours a night/day. Several issues came up with my thyroid and ultimately it was removed surgically (end of 2005.) Unfortunately, the parathyroid glands were removed accidentally too and now I deal with other vitamin issues too. I have been on synthetic thyroid hormone and vitamins since. 2005 & 2006 were me working but tired, disappointed in my lack of diet will power, and living at size 22/24 and weight of about 250 lbs. At one point my husband tells me how much he loves me but how sad he is about my weight too. To his credit, he was nice about it but it didn't sting any less. I outweighed him by 40 lbs after all. So beginning of 2007, I joined a weight loss competition and decided despite massive hunger and knee-pain, I was going to win. By the end of month one, I was down 20 lbs and pregnant! I always wanted a family but felt like I was too fat to even think about getting pregnant. It was unexpected but I was thrilled. I was classified as a high risk pregnancy due mainly to my weight and becoming gestational diabetic. I was 221 when I got pregnant and ended up being 278 on the day I delivered. The gestational diabetes was an absolute nightmare. Testing my blood sugar non stop, the insulin injections, the DIET. Oh yes, not only was I fat and craving of all things, sugar, I had to be on a freakin diet when pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl and feel so blessed! Immediately after, I was depressed that I was a new mom at size 24. As a little girl envisioning my future wedding and birth of child, I never envisioned being over 200 lbs and more than a size 18. I felt bad like these events were actually mediocre and that I should've been at a normal weight for them to be right. (CONTINUED IN NEXT POST...)

I guess this is the first post so many draw back on post surgery and think "I can't believe that was me!" I too want success in my life and it feels like a lot of my personal successes have been stalled or overlooked by my weight problems. Here's my history... I was born a normal weight with no issues. I was involved in tons of sports, dance, and activities as a kid and was very thin until about age 12. After some minor health issues at 12, I started having some unexplained stomach ache problems. I went from dr to dr. Went to specialist after specialist. It was diagnosed as allergies and I went on medications. I was supposed to stay away from foods that triggered the massive stomach aches. Of course as I entered my teen years, I ate what most teenagers ate. In middle school, I first experienced being called fat. I was probably 5'4 and 130 lbs. I was still in dance and sports, but not as much as I used to be. I wasn't the heaviest girl on campus but I was not as thin as most of the girls either. I was somewhere in the middle. I started bugging my mom to help me lose weight. My mother herself was (and still is) about 100 lbs overweight at the time I asked for help. As far back as I can remember, I believe at some point she gave up and decided to be fat. She lost some weight here and there but essentially chose to let her weight control a lot of things. I love her and she's a fantastic mom but now that I'm a mom too, I see so many things that she and I missed out on because she didn't feel comfortable or physically couldn't participate. I also remember on a few occasions other kids talking about how fat she was. In high school my weight fluctuated from 130 to 150 at the most. I was 5'5 and felt HUGE. I was on several of the sports teams and on dance team. I was the largest girl on dance and track at size 12. I bounced from sizes 8 to 12. Most of my friends were a 4 so I thought I was disgusting. I tried some crazy diets, diet pills, exercising like crazy... all to be beat out by the smell of something like pizza and a weak will. I believe the only reason I didn't reach 200 lbs in High School was because I had my stomach issues and I was SO busy with school, sports, dating, dances, friends. I kept very active. Still, as I look back, I wasn't involved in tons of social stuff- I always felt like a cow and didn't go out to large parties or anything. My senior year I did a weight training program and a vegetable diet. I lost 20 lbs and kept it off for about 2 months. After high school when I left to go away to college is where the real trouble began. I had a horrible college roommates and the few friends I thought I had in the dorms all of a sudden didn't like me. I think I had changed and wore my insecurities on my shoulders. I felt sad, alone, worthless. I probably wouldn't have wanted to hang around me either. I amazingly joined a sorority (a pretty good one too) and thank God for that. I'm definitely not your typical sorority girl but had it not been for the sorority I would have left college and not met my future husband. College (especially college in a sorority house) was practically a weight experiment. I went from 140 lbs to 175 lbs my freshman year in the dorm. Then my second year I topped 185 lbs but then went on these Herbalife drops with a few other friends in the sorority and lost 25 lbs. I met a guy who I ended up dating the next two years. He was sort of out of my league but I got comfortable anyway. We ate fast food a lot together (which I of course loved) and yet he DID care if I was fat or not. I would go on diets and look good one minute, then fat and awful the next. We broke up a few times and finally for good before graduation. At work on campus I met my future husband. I was 5'5 and about 150 lbs and a size 10-12. Of course, again, I thought I was humongous. He is a great guy who I thank God I found but that's not to say he loves my weight issues. He never dated anyone overweight before me. Still, I know he loves me. So we date for several years and my weight jumps up and down. I went from size 10 up to 16 and even once to a size 18 from the ages of 22 to 25. I joined Weight Watchers, did MANY at home weight loss videos and programs, crazy diets found online, etc etc. I still had not reached 200 lbs. I had come close but I was still exercising a ton, keeping busy with my career, socializing. Age 26 was the real benchmark. At the beginning of the year I was 180 lbs. By the end of the year, I was 220 lbs. I had done nothing noticeably different. I just gain 40 lbs out of nowhere. I went to the dr and had my thyroid checked but they said it was "alright." My breasts had gotten so big I had a breast reduction. I like to say before I had "40 longs" (40E) and after I was 38C. At age 27, I starved for 4 months before my wedding in 2004 but still weighed 200 lbs and wore a size 18 wedding dress. My wedding was absolutely perfect except for the disappointment and embarassment that 300 people were watching my husband and I up in front where we weighed probably the same. The photos make me cringe a little actually. In 2005, I woke up out of a dead sleep feeling like I was choking. I had a lump in my throat. What did I do? I got up and went to the computer and googled. Everything that came up said "thyroid." I went to a different dr who told me I was actually severely hypothyroid. By this time I weight 230 and had all but stopped working out. My body hurt and I slept about 14 hours a night/day. Several issues came up with my thyroid and ultimately it was removed surgically (end of 2005.) Unfortunately, the parathyroid glands were removed accidentally too and now I deal with other vitamin issues too. I have been on synthetic thyroid hormone and vitamins since. 2005 & 2006 were me working but tired, disappointed in my lack of diet will power, and living at size 22/24 and weight of about 250 lbs. At one point my husband tells me how much he loves me but how sad he is about my weight too. To his credit, he was nice about it but it didn't sting any less. I outweighed him by 40 lbs after all. So beginning of 2007, I joined a weight loss competition and decided despite massive hunger and knee-pain, I was going to win. By the end of month one, I was down 20 lbs and pregnant! I always wanted a family but felt like I was too fat to even think about getting pregnant. It was unexpected but I was thrilled. I was classified as a high risk pregnancy due mainly to my weight and becoming gestational diabetic. I was 221 when I got pregnant and ended up being 278 on the day I delivered. The gestational diabetes was an absolute nightmare. Testing my blood sugar non stop, the insulin injections, the DIET. Oh yes, not only was I fat and craving of all things, sugar, I had to be on a freakin diet when pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl and feel so blessed! Immediately after, I was depressed that I was a new mom at size 24. As a little girl envisioning my future wedding and birth of child, I never envisioned being over 200 lbs and more than a size 18. I felt bad like these events were actually mediocre and that I should've been at a normal weight for them to be right. (CONTINUED IN NEXT POST...)

I don't get a lot of time on the computer so I usually check my email and go online from my cell phone. That being said, (as I type from my laptop tonight), I need to post the blog I started on TT over here. I like TT, but as someone else already pointed out, there's not many banders over there. Still, great people though. So, as it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a band-day, I felt like going ahead and getting my blog bounced over here too. I'm gonna cut and paste it all over here (titles and all) and list the orig dates at the top. Oh and I also just put more pics on here. I not only block DD & DH's faces, but my own. I think I already mentioned but due to a public weight loss comp that I won and then gained all the weight back (and then some), I am trying to keep my face private for the time being. (No, I wasn't on tv or anything- it was a local thingy where my befores and afters were on posters, flyers... arghhhh). It was fun when I had the weight off but now I hang my head in shame a bit because of it. More to come as it happens! :huh2:

I don't get a lot of time on the computer so I usually check my email and go online from my cell phone. That being said, (as I type from my laptop tonight), I need to post the blog I started on TT over here. I like TT, but as someone else already pointed out, there's not many banders over there. Still, great people though. So, as it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a band-day, I felt like going ahead and getting my blog bounced over here too. I'm gonna cut and paste it all over here (titles and all) and list the orig dates at the top. Oh and I also just put more pics on here. I not only block DD & DH's faces, but my own. I think I already mentioned but due to a public weight loss comp that I won and then gained all the weight back (and then some), I am trying to keep my face private for the time being. (No, I wasn't on tv or anything- it was a local thingy where my befores and afters were on posters, flyers... arghhhh). It was fun when I had the weight off but now I hang my head in shame a bit because of it. More to come as it happens! :huh2:

wow! I can't believe I caught up to real time! I stumbled onto your blog while perusing this site and another one. I am hopefully close to getting my LB in the next couple months & wanted an honest experience to hear about. I found your blog 3 days ago & it's been like one of those good books you can't put down! For three days I have had my smartphone hooked to my hand (because its got the internet and it's a lot easier to use quickly vs sitting at the pc). I read through all of your blogs & was so appreciative of the brutal honesty & tmi reports. There were times I comiserated with you (ocd, party planning & decorating, info bins, crafting, & loving holidays!) There were a couple times I woke my sleeping DH up next to me (Yep, even stayed up in bed late reading) while reading your account of incontinence & then that sports bra fitting- haha!!!I so appreciate the bad with the good & all the info in between. It sure made me feel better about all of it while also enjoying to peek into someone else's life! (Btw, I inexplicably also became hooked on all the Real Housewives series too!)Anyway, I just wanted to tell you thank you- you are a fabulous writer! I hope to join you on the losers bench sooner than later & will continue to look forward to any and all updates on your blog!Keep up the great work!!! (You've inspired me to possibly attempt to move my measily little 4 posts of a blog from TT to here... I'll try & figure it out & let you know!) Thanks again!!! everleigh

I just started on my process of getting banded so my advice isn't backed by experience. I asked a similar question on another board & got a mixed reaction. Most telling me that I won't be able to convince people that's its a good thing & that I need to keep saying that it's a life saving & changing operation. A handful of people advised not to tell anyone at all & save myself the trouble. I did talk to my dh who is not thrilled but ok. My parents were suprisingly supportive & happy for me to possibly get help in dropping this unhealthy weight. I told one friend of mine- the only friend who deals with similar weight issues because I thought she'd understand & she tried to talk me out of it. She was not understanding or supportive about it. I know she cares about me but she acted like I would be making a big mistake. Now I wish I hadn't told her. If/when I get surgery, I plan not to tell anyone right away. I'll have time to figure out what/when I want to talk about it. I don't want everyone in the meantime micromanaging all my eating habits & saying 'I took the easy way out!' (Those people are jerks by the way!) :smile: