Iaminsideme

I have had chronic depression, since childhood.  I struggled along without help, because when I was young, childhood depression was not a consideration.  When I was a young adult I started getting therapy.  It did help a little, but I believe it wasbecause I didn't feel so alone with all my darkness.  Those were the days before SSRI's and so the different medications I tried had some bad side effects.  Now, I have tried everything to date, in the way of medications.  Threeyears ago I got worse than ever and ended up being hospitalized a few times.  I was put on some really harsh meds, the side effects I discovered was tremendous weight gain.  I doubled myself.  I was so out of it, I didn't know I was twice my size.  My clothes didn't fit, but I have never been a mirror person, and no one mentioned anything to me about the weight, and I wasn't well enough to put it together.  As I started getting better from how far I had gone, I was shocked at the realization of what had happened.  I tried dieting, walking, stopped even liking food, ate very little (messing up my metabolism worse), but the medications just meant I would have to be unhealthly physically, if I wanted to keep it together mentally.  As my mother would say, "I would rather have you alive and well, even if I was obese".  I was alive, but I was no way close to being well.  I was ready to try ECT, so that I could get off some of the meds, but I learned I would still be kept on them more than likely.  Great.  I was going downhill again, only with an added layer of myself (and coating depression with being depressed about not being "me").  Christmas time, not the best time to make med changes, I decided I had to.  Fortunately for me, I had a cousin that was the head of the depart of psychiatry at a University.  She put it together that I had started getting worse after I had a hysterectomy.  I needed to be on hormones.  Although I would still need some of my medications, a lot of them I was able to get off of and I am feeling stable.  Maybe now I would also have a chance to get back to physically being me.  Considering surgery just to hasten the process.  I haven't met with anyone professionally yet.  I am still doing research on which way to go.  So this is where I'm at.