rachel_jett

One Size Doesn't Fit AllI have lived a struggle. Not an ordinary struggle, yet still my own prison. My appetite has always been bigger than me. My willpower has always given in to want. Thirty seconds of delicious has always won over being a size 8. For the majority of my life I have been 50-100 lbs over my ideal weight. I remember being in the second grade and having to weigh in front of my whole class. I was the only obese child in the 2nd grade. You can imagine how crushing it was to weigh double what the other children weighed in my class. So crushing in fact that I still remember the exact number to this day. One hundred and sixteen pounds. I cannot remember exactly, but I think that the average second grader weighed 60 lbs. I remember thinking I should go on a diet and not knowing where to begin. I was used to matching portions with my father, who could eat a pound of bacon in one sitting along with three fried eggs and two or three pieces of toast, tomato juice, orange juice and coffee at breakfast. I remember eating ten tacos at my cousin Danielle's one night at dinner and bragging about it like I had a talent to be proud of.I  n the same spirit, when my family ordered pizza I ordered an entire 10 inch to eat by myself...usually along with chips...an entire bag. I remember bringing money to school on special occasions and my friend Val and I would share a bacon and mushroom pizza. I remember thinking that because I only had a half of an entire pizza that I might starve before I got home to ravage the fridge & cabinets for something to hold me over until I could stuff myself sick at dinner. When a meal was complete, I thought that I should feel so full that I was uncomfortable, and if I wasn't then I wasn't satisfied. I was so insulted one night when I spent night at my friend Heidi's house and her mom split a pack of oodles of noodles between us and that was our dinner. I couldn't even fathom that someone could survive on that amount of food. I couldnt even enjoy my time there because I thought about food the entire time and couldn't wait to get back home to actually EAT something.It was that state of mind that kept me afraid to go on a diet. I was so afraid of feeling hunger. I remember always feeling uncomfortably full, almost sick after supper each night. Then I would look forward to a bedtime snack (actually another whole meal) before going to sleep at night. Food was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. It was on my mind all the time. I ate ritualistically, celebratory, out of boredom. I hid from life behind food. Food was my friend who was there whenever and however I needed it to be. I did not know how to cope without it. Food addiction is a horrible, longsuffering addiction.Food was and is a foe to me. As much comfort and joy that it brought me, it brought with it guilt, shame, and self loathing. People look at fat people differently. Kids are cruel and adults shake their heads in shame and pity at the fat child. Gym teachers were my enemy. I hated feeling inferior to other kids, unable to keep up, clumsy. I bent the uneven bars when my gym teacher forced me to participate. It was middle school, everyone snickered and teased. But it has always been that way.My first nickname was Marshmallow. Mickey Parson's gave me the alias in Kindergarten. I had many hurtful cruel things said to me while growing up."Watch out! Rachel will sit on you!"Oink Oink.Miss Piggy.Fatty.Even in Jr. High School, the boys especially were cruel. I felt like I was discusting to look at. I wasashamed and hid under big clothes. I contantly tugged at my shirt to make sure it was covering my belly. I did my best to play it cool. I tried so hard to diet, but never lost much. 10 lbs here and there, then I would gain 20. In eighth grade I weighted 180. I couldn't find jeans to fit me. The first pair of jeans I owned had an elastic waistband and no zipper. I remember trying to hide the fact that my jeans were different than the other kids. All of my shirts looked the same, just different colors. I was laughed at daily.I reached my biggest my sophmore year of high school I weighed 230. I remember seeing a video of myself that my friend Tracey had and decided I had to get the weight off. I starved myself and exercised 5 hours a day. In two years I had lost 70 lbs. In the third year following my weight loss I slowly began to gain it all back. I had started college and my eating & workout schedule was disturbed. College life included having my own money to spend on the food I wanted. Pizza at 3am. Dinning all fat laden food. I still tried to exercise some, and I rode my bike everywhere, but slowly it came back on. Throughout college I lost and gained the same 40 pounds over and over. By the time I graduated with my bachelor's degree I was back to my biggest weight of 230 again. I was dating my husband at the time and we ate out a lot. He was and is not to this day fat. He loved working out and we worked out together. After another two years of daily exercise and counting calories, doing "Form you 3", Weigh Down workshop, low cal and low carb, and diet after diet, I was back to 175. Then I became pregnant with my first child and moved to back to my home state of Maine. I gained up to 265! When I delivered my little bundle of joy I lost 11 lbs. That is all. Again for a year I began another weight loss regimine, this time I joined Weight Watchers. I loved the program and the support. I lost the weight, back to 190. When my husband, son and I moved in with my cousin and her family for 3 months while our house was being built we shared the cost of groceries and prepared meals together. I didn't have total control over what I was eating so I gained again. 215! So this time I decided to do a clinical trail eating a special high protein, low carb diet and taking a placebo (didn't know I was the lucky recipient of the placebo until later.) I was on this program for 6 weeks, lost down to 200. Then my last week in the trial I gained 5 pounds. I was devistated! I was doing everything to a tee. What was wrong? I soon found out what was wrong. 20 months after my son was born I was again pregnant! I vowed to keep my diet healthy and not gain so much weight. I ended up doing the opposite. At the end of my pregnancy I weighed 260. After I had my daughter I weighed 255.In the first week after giving birth I lost 25 lbs. (fluid retention!) I was at 230. Back to dieting. This took another two years of going to the gym 5-7 days a week and working with a personal trainer and special high protein, healthy carb diet. I only lost down to 190, but I felt great! Then we moved back to TN. For the first 5 months we lived with my husbands parents. We ate healthy and I walked often with my mother in law. I got down to 180. Felt great. Moved into my own new house. Somehow, I gained again. I walked back into weight watchers weighing 200. In ten weeks I was 192. I was following the program and my weight started back up. 195, 197, 198, 197, 200. There I was full circle. I had no idea what was going on. But I was humiliated because my friends were all losing and I was gaining. It seemed as if I wasn't doing the program to everyone around me. My humiliation caused me to drop out.That summer I got back down to 195. Its been uphill ever since. I now weigh 246.  I am exercising at the YMCA and making good choices and portion sizes. Its not like I don't know how to lose weight. I have done everything and every diet out there. I have a shelf full of diet books and several weight loss magizines. I have spent money on the gym, exercise videos, phentermine, spend hours on the internet researching, bought recipie book after recipie book. I suffer from chronic disabiling fatigue. My blood pressure and cholesterol is high. I have edema in my entire body and I do not know where it is coming from. I have chronic fatigue. I feel out of control, sad and helpless. None of my clothes fit me anymore. All my life I have dreamed, wished, hoped and prayed to one day know what it was like to be normal. I want to be able to go and buy regular clothes. I want my kids to have a healthy, attractive, energetic, happy mom. Right now I am none of those things. I have tried and failed and tried and failed at almost every diet or weight loss aid out there. It used to be about vanity to me. But now with the chronic fatigue, acid reflux, decreased libido, headaches and having my hormones and body completely out of control I want my health and energy back. I want to end my lifelong cruel cycle of obesity--I am mental and physically tired of the whole thing!So that brings me to my lap band journey....I need prayers going up for me that my insurance approves this.  I deserve this chance !!!!!!!!!!