pjoy2009

I have been mulling this over for YEARS...  I have lost weight and gained weight countless times.  The last time was about 3 years ago, I lost a total of 50# with the use of diet pills from a diet doctor.  After the year of the pills and looking pretty darned good, I was so hyped up on the stuff that I ended up breaking my foot (the foot breaking was a side effect of just being too hyper).  I ended the pill use & ended up gaining the 50# back within about 6-8 months, Plus about 15 extra.   This was 2 years ago.      I have spent the last 2 years just feeing shitty about my weight gain and NOT working out, or eating right at all.  In the past I have spent countless amounts of money on "diets" & I have emotionally beat myself up continuously for 32 years (seriously since I was 10 years old) about my chubby=ness, which is now just obese=ness.  The lap band to me doesn't seem easy.  I think it will be a tremendous amount of work & not come off easily, but doing research it seems to be a permanant way to lose weight.  The weight roller coaster is essentially futile to me, I can't lose weight and keep it off by myself, I need this damatic surgery. I have begun the process, I am self pay so it should go faster than those of you who have to wait for insurance.  I am scared that something will go wrong & I will have to come up with more money to fix the problem (when I am not even done paying for the surgery itself).  I am scared of a lot of things.  But mostly I am scared what will happen to me if I don't lose weight and feel better about myself again.