bluestategirl

Just had a fill a couple weeks ago. Since then I've lost five pounds. I finally have broken the miserable plateau I was on. I'm so excited and a lot of the depressive feelings I was having are gone. I have this skirt hanging in my closet from college. I haven't worn it in ten years. It's black and has red skulls on it. I'll probably never wear it again but I was saving it until I could fit into it again, just to know that I could wear it if I wanted to. I put it on the other day just to check my progress and was able to zip it all the way up. Instantly I was taken back 10 years and had the urge to dye my hair black and find my fishnets and buy a pair of doc martins. My best friends both have forbade me to wear it. It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come since then. My hair is long now, dark brown and I think I'm much more beautiful without all the black eyeliner. It seems like ever since Lent and Holy Week came I've been doing so much better with my own self-image. Once again I'm not seeing a fat girl in the mirror when I look in it. Also I'm taking a lot of risks in my life and that is making me feel alive again. I've started looking for ways to be positive about my job so that I'm not as upset and angry all the time. It seems to be working. When my life is going well it doesn't seem like I make as much of an effort to control my emotional eating, but when I'm happy I am more focused on making sure that I take care of myself. Anyway that's it for now. Weight this morning was 181.0 hoping to get below 180 by the end of the week.:thumbup:

Just had a fill a couple weeks ago. Since then I've lost five pounds. I finally have broken the miserable plateau I was on. I'm so excited and a lot of the depressive feelings I was having are gone. I have this skirt hanging in my closet from college. I haven't worn it in ten years. It's black and has red skulls on it. I'll probably never wear it again but I was saving it until I could fit into it again, just to know that I could wear it if I wanted to. I put it on the other day just to check my progress and was able to zip it all the way up. Instantly I was taken back 10 years and had the urge to dye my hair black and find my fishnets and buy a pair of doc martins. My best friends both have forbade me to wear it. It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come since then. My hair is long now, dark brown and I think I'm much more beautiful without all the black eyeliner. It seems like ever since Lent and Holy Week came I've been doing so much better with my own self-image. Once again I'm not seeing a fat girl in the mirror when I look in it. Also I'm taking a lot of risks in my life and that is making me feel alive again. I've started looking for ways to be positive about my job so that I'm not as upset and angry all the time. It seems to be working. When my life is going well it doesn't seem like I make as much of an effort to control my emotional eating, but when I'm happy I am more focused on making sure that I take care of myself. Anyway that's it for now. Weight this morning was 181.0 hoping to get below 180 by the end of the week.:thumbup:

So I'm now about 4 months out from my surgery and I've hit a plateau. I cannot seem to break 180 and I'm yo-yo-ing between 182 and 185. I really don't think there is enough fluid in my band because I can definitely eat way too much. I've only had a few moment where I really have felt the restriction. Maybe I'm eating too slow? I don't know. Anyway I've started a new training schedule to prepare for running a 5k run in June. It's a benefit for WEAVE and I think it will be really great to give something back to my community. It's been a little depressing lately with all the changes going on in my life. I spent most of yesterday in tears and I can't really figure out why. My job is really getting to me and in the midst of trying to be grateful that I even have a job I can't help but feel resentful that the job I have is one I hate so much. I just didn't realize that having this surgery was going to be this hard. All I think about is how far away from my goal I am. I was starting to feel better about myself after having lost over 50 pounds but this plateau has made it really difficult for me. I still have a long way to go. I'm really hoping that training for this 5k is going to help me reach my goal. I have a hard time focusing on the here and now and that keeps me stuck in the same place. I have a follow up appointment soon I think and I'll ask for more fluid in my band. I'm hoping that is going to help me more. I was running today and thinking about Lent because it is starting on February 17th. I am trying to think of what to give up for the season. Possibly sugar? My 31st birthday is on the 24th and I wonder if God would be offended if I broke my sugar fast for it. That's the problem with having a birthday that is right in the middle of Lent. Turning 31 is going to be worse than turning 30 I think. I really thought that this last year would be really great and that I'd meet someone but it actually turned out to be not a very good year. I hope that this next year is going to be better. I would like to be at my goal weight by the time I turn 32. That's a little over a year to lose about 80 pounds. In my New Year's resolutions I resolved to be a more positive person this year and to do all the things I've been saying that I was going to do but haven't done yet. So by the end of the year I hope to have enough saved to go to Paris. It's the one thing that I've never done that I wish and wish that I had. I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 and realize that my life has passed me by. Anyway. Having the surgery was a really good thing for me because I'm learning how to appreciate food and enjoy exercising. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.

So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face. So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.

So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face. So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.:tongue:

So I'm now about 4 months out from my surgery and I've hit a plateau. I cannot seem to break 180 and I'm yo-yo-ing between 182 and 185. I really don't think there is enough fluid in my band because I can definitely eat way too much. I've only had a few moment where I really have felt the restriction. Maybe I'm eating too slow? I don't know. Anyway I've started a new training schedule to prepare for running a 5k run in June. It's a benefit for WEAVE and I think it will be really great to give something back to my community. It's been a little depressing lately with all the changes going on in my life. I spent most of yesterday in tears and I can't really figure out why. My job is really getting to me and in the midst of trying to be grateful that I even have a job I can't help but feel resentful that the job I have is one I hate so much. I just didn't realize that having this surgery was going to be this hard. All I think about is how far away from my goal I am. I was starting to feel better about myself after having lost over 50 pounds but this plateau has made it really difficult for me. I still have a long way to go. I'm really hoping that training for this 5k is going to help me reach my goal. I have a hard time focusing on the here and now and that keeps me stuck in the same place. I have a follow up appointment soon I think and I'll ask for more fluid in my band. I'm hoping that is going to help me more. I was running today and thinking about Lent because it is starting on February 17th. I am trying to think of what to give up for the season. Possibly sugar? My 31st birthday is on the 24th and I wonder if God would be offended if I broke my sugar fast for it. That's the problem with having a birthday that is right in the middle of Lent. Turning 31 is going to be worse than turning 30 I think. I really thought that this last year would be really great and that I'd meet someone but it actually turned out to be not a very good year. I hope that this next year is going to be better. I would like to be at my goal weight by the time I turn 32. That's a little over a year to lose about 80 pounds. In my New Year's resolutions I resolved to be a more positive person this year and to do all the things I've been saying that I was going to do but haven't done yet. So by the end of the year I hope to have enough saved to go to Paris. It's the one thing that I've never done that I wish and wish that I had. I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 and realize that my life has passed me by. Anyway. Having the surgery was a really good thing for me because I'm learning how to appreciate food and enjoy exercising. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.:smile2:

I had my second fill today and had .5 cc added to the 5 cc that was already in. On the way home I started to feel really dizzy and had to sit down. I've been feeling really awful ever since. I really can't tell if it's because I overdid it at the gym because I was really excited and wanting to get off the 3 pounds I gained over the holidays or if just having the fill done made me feel sick. Anyway now I'm home and just trying to relax. I had a half a cup of pea soup for dinner and I'm totally full which is great because I've been able to eat way too much and have been hungry between meals also. Up to this point I've only had one episode of not chewing up my food enough to the point where it got stuck. I think I learned a pretty good lesson there. Anyway I've lost 52 pounds to date. 85 to go until I reach my goal of 100 pounds. A lot of people have told me that's too thin but at 4'11" it's actually the ideal weight for my height. I'm planning on meeting with a personal trainer at the gym this week to see what I need to do to have the least amount of extra skin possible. Also I'm going to start tanning to combat the depression that I get during the winter. Even though I feel like crap today I feel pretty positive about the next year to come and I'm pretty confident I can get pretty close to my goal.

I had my second fill today and had .5 cc added to the 5 cc that was already in. On the way home I started to feel really dizzy and had to sit down. I've been feeling really awful ever since. I really can't tell if it's because I overdid it at the gym because I was really excited and wanting to get off the 3 pounds I gained over the holidays or if just having the fill done made me feel sick. Anyway now I'm home and just trying to relax. I had a half a cup of pea soup for dinner and I'm totally full which is great because I've been able to eat way too much and have been hungry between meals also. Up to this point I've only had one episode of not chewing up my food enough to the point where it got stuck. I think I learned a pretty good lesson there. Anyway I've lost 52 pounds to date. 85 to go until I reach my goal of 100 pounds. A lot of people have told me that's too thin but at 4'11" it's actually the ideal weight for my height. I'm planning on meeting with a personal trainer at the gym this week to see what I need to do to have the least amount of extra skin possible. Also I'm going to start tanning to combat the depression that I get during the winter. Even though I feel like crap today I feel pretty positive about the next year to come and I'm pretty confident I can get pretty close to my goal.

So I'm two months post-op. I've been doing really well and have lost about 30 pounds. My total weight loss is 50. I'm right at 187. I feel like I'm doing great but I also feel depressed. I don't know if it's because of other things going on in my life or delayed depression from the surgery. My mom wanted to know why I wasn't more depressed right after. For the whole first month I was so happy all the time. Now I'm down in the dumps. I miss certain foods, like risotto. I'm sure that I could have a bite or two of it but I don't want to risk killing myself for one shining moment of food pleasure. Also I feel like I can eat too much and definitely need another fill. They scheduled me for a Friday but I can't do that because I have a class all day. I love my band though. It feels so good to be able to wear normal size clothes again and know I won't be going back up. I'm mostly following the rules but there have been a couple times when I have let my sugar urges take over. Then I spend the next two days beating myself up about it. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's my own fault but I don't know how to stop the cycle. Just one more behavioral adjustment that I need to make. I'm feeling like maybe I need to go to some of the support groups but Kaiser only has one a month in Sacramento. I wish I could combine knitting with a support group. hmmm. I wonder how that would work. Anyway that's it for now.

So I'm two months post-op. I've been doing really well and have lost about 30 pounds. My total weight loss is 50. I'm right at 187. I feel like I'm doing great but I also feel depressed. I don't know if it's because of other things going on in my life or delayed depression from the surgery. My mom wanted to know why I wasn't more depressed right after. For the whole first month I was so happy all the time. Now I'm down in the dumps. I miss certain foods, like risotto. I'm sure that I could have a bite or two of it but I don't want to risk killing myself for one shining moment of food pleasure. Also I feel like I can eat too much and definitely need another fill. They scheduled me for a Friday but I can't do that because I have a class all day. I love my band though. It feels so good to be able to wear normal size clothes again and know I won't be going back up. I'm mostly following the rules but there have been a couple times when I have let my sugar urges take over. Then I spend the next two days beating myself up about it. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's my own fault but I don't know how to stop the cycle. Just one more behavioral adjustment that I need to make. I'm feeling like maybe I need to go to some of the support groups but Kaiser only has one a month in Sacramento. I wish I could combine knitting with a support group. hmmm. I wonder how that would work. Anyway that's it for now.

I take the chewables from Trader Joes, and chewy bites calcium from Bariatric Advantage. I look forward to both because they taste like candy.

if you were just banded on 9/16 you shouldn't even be trying to eat solid foods yet. I had mine on 09/17 and I'm on a full liquid diet for two weeks. Yogurts, strained cream soups, sugar free puddings, things like that. Your doctor should have told you not to try anything solid for awhile. Wait a few weeks and then try it again.

So here I am, exhausted. I've been running around all day trying to take care of last minute things. Went to school this morning and then to mom's house to put my comfy sheets on the bed. Then home and had Pad-Ke-Mow for lunch from Thai Basil. Everything that I eat I keep thinking, "this is the last time I'll ever be able to eat this." Is is wrong that there are so many foods that I will really miss? Like rice, I love rice. I love Asian food. No more Pa-Nang Curry or Orange Chicken. I went and had coffee with a friend today and I was reminded of why we are friends. She is just one of those people that gets me. For better or worse, she just has a lot of grace for my abrasive personality. I met my roommates for dinner and thought, "This is the last time I will have pasta." Sigh. I'm exhausted but full of energy too. I just want to bust out all my homework at once so I can just get it over with. Tomorrow I'll be leaving for the hospital and get to stay in a hotel, which to me is the best part. Then Thursday is surgery day. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, like what if they refuse to do my surgery, what if they have to cut me open? I feel like I need to fast all day tomorrow so I'll be ready. But is that really healthy? Aaa. I wish that I had this done over the summer when I didn't have to worry about making sure my homework was all done and complete and having a plan for my tutoring group. I guess the best part of this whole thing is all the hard work I've put into this and knowing that this is just the beginning of the spiraling weight loss that I'm going to experience. I can't wait to go back to the gym after surgery and will be excited to go tomorrow morning for the last time for awhile. I bought a jacket the other day that is a size Large and was excited to know that I'll fit into it by the time it actually gets cold enough here to wear it. All my clothes are baggy and are going to be even bigger after the first few months. It's exciting but scary too. I didn't tell my surgeon about moving but my roommates are doing all the work. It will be better to be in a new house with a new body. I just wish this could have been done in between semesters. But what the heck. I dropped my French class so as to avoid the ridiculous amount of work it takes to do that class. My other classes aren't so much work but it also means I'll have to take summer school before I go to Davis in the fall. (well I hope that's where I'll be) I feel like I have so much to accomplish over the next few months. I'll be signing my Transfer agreement with UCD this month and then I'll be doing my application this fall. I'm a little nervous about the university but I think it will be a really good thing for me. I'm anxious to be away from junior college. One thing that I really want to focus on tomorrow is my relationship with Christ. I'm not catholic but I'll be taking my rosary with me to the hospital. I just need to feel protected and like he has it under control. In a way this surgery is like getting married and I have to remember that. It's not all the preparation up to your wedding day that's the most important, it's how you are with your spouse after you're married. The wedding day isn't the be-all end-all of life. Or the end of something. It's just the beginning. I've been fat for so long, it's hard to imagine myself differently. I've been single for so long it's hard to imagine that differently. Anyway I keep telling myself that it will be ok and that God will take care of me. :thumbup:

So here I am, exhausted. I've been running around all day trying to take care of last minute things. Went to school this morning and then to mom's house to put my comfy sheets on the bed. Then home and had Pad-Ke-Mow for lunch from Thai Basil. Everything that I eat I keep thinking, "this is the last time I'll ever be able to eat this." Is is wrong that there are so many foods that I will really miss? Like rice, I love rice. I love Asian food. No more Pa-Nang Curry or Orange Chicken. I went and had coffee with a friend today and I was reminded of why we are friends. She is just one of those people that gets me. For better or worse, she just has a lot of grace for my abrasive personality. I met my roommates for dinner and thought, "This is the last time I will have pasta." Sigh. I'm exhausted but full of energy too. I just want to bust out all my homework at once so I can just get it over with. Tomorrow I'll be leaving for the hospital and get to stay in a hotel, which to me is the best part. Then Thursday is surgery day. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, like what if they refuse to do my surgery, what if they have to cut me open? I feel like I need to fast all day tomorrow so I'll be ready. But is that really healthy? Aaa. I wish that I had this done over the summer when I didn't have to worry about making sure my homework was all done and complete and having a plan for my tutoring group. I guess the best part of this whole thing is all the hard work I've put into this and knowing that this is just the beginning of the spiraling weight loss that I'm going to experience. I can't wait to go back to the gym after surgery and will be excited to go tomorrow morning for the last time for awhile. I bought a jacket the other day that is a size Large and was excited to know that I'll fit into it by the time it actually gets cold enough here to wear it. All my clothes are baggy and are going to be even bigger after the first few months. It's exciting but scary too. I didn't tell my surgeon about moving but my roommates are doing all the work. It will be better to be in a new house with a new body. I just wish this could have been done in between semesters. But what the heck. I dropped my French class so as to avoid the ridiculous amount of work it takes to do that class. My other classes aren't so much work but it also means I'll have to take summer school before I go to Davis in the fall. (well I hope that's where I'll be) I feel like I have so much to accomplish over the next few months. I'll be signing my Transfer agreement with UCD this month and then I'll be doing my application this fall. I'm a little nervous about the university but I think it will be a really good thing for me. I'm anxious to be away from junior college. One thing that I really want to focus on tomorrow is my relationship with Christ. I'm not catholic but I'll be taking my rosary with me to the hospital. I just need to feel protected and like he has it under control. In a way this surgery is like getting married and I have to remember that. It's not all the preparation up to your wedding day that's the most important, it's how you are with your spouse after you're married. The wedding day isn't the be-all end-all of life. Or the end of something. It's just the beginning. I've been fat for so long, it's hard to imagine myself differently. I've been single for so long it's hard to imagine that differently. Anyway I keep telling myself that it will be ok and that God will take care of me. :thumbup:

So I haven't blooged for awhile and I really need to get back in the habit of doing this since it's such a huge support for me. I started school this week. I'm pretty confident in my classes and am feeling pretty good about this semester so far. I'm excited to start tutoring again soon too. I have been working hard to get my extra weight off and plan to fast and eat raw this weekend to help me shed some extra weight before my appt with my surgeon on tuesday. It might make me sick but I'll monitor my health level carefully to make sure I don't get too hungry. My surgery feels like it's getting closer than ever and I've planned a "last meal potluck" to celebrate my new life and to eat some rice one last time. I'll be off school for a week but I think I'll actually be ok. It's been a little stressful since I had a third roommate move in but it's slowly working itself out. I'm excited to move on. I feel like my whole life is about to take a dramatic turn. Few more weeks and I'll have my band. I'm nervous about my second appt with the surgeon because I'm afraid I'll not have lost enough weight to his satisfaction. It's hard to be working non-stop on something I don't really have any control over. I can't determine how fast I'll lose weight. I'm hoping that some of my friends will come to my potluck and support me. I think it will be a fun time. Now off to bed to get a little sleep before a super long day again tomorrow. I've got homework!

So I haven't blooged for awhile and I really need to get back in the habit of doing this since it's such a huge support for me. I started school this week. I'm pretty confident in my classes and am feeling pretty good about this semester so far. I'm excited to start tutoring again soon too. I have been working hard to get my extra weight off and plan to fast and eat raw this weekend to help me shed some extra weight before my appt with my surgeon on tuesday. It might make me sick but I'll monitor my health level carefully to make sure I don't get too hungry. My surgery feels like it's getting closer than ever and I've planned a "last meal potluck" to celebrate my new life and to eat some rice one last time. I'll be off school for a week but I think I'll actually be ok. It's been a little stressful since I had a third roommate move in but it's slowly working itself out. I'm excited to move on. I feel like my whole life is about to take a dramatic turn. Few more weeks and I'll have my band. I'm nervous about my second appt with the surgeon because I'm afraid I'll not have lost enough weight to his satisfaction. It's hard to be working non-stop on something I don't really have any control over. I can't determine how fast I'll lose weight. I'm hoping that some of my friends will come to my potluck and support me. I think it will be a fun time. Now off to bed to get a little sleep before a super long day again tomorrow. I've got homework!

Well after the huge blow to my self esteem at my appt with my MD, I kind of just felt numb for awhile and pretty much didn't want to do anything but lay in bed. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat, didn't feel like going to the gym. I just wanted it to be over. Unfortunately I have to keep living my life. So I feel that I'm ok with it now, went to the gym this a.m. and I'm under 220! Maybe I need to stress less about getting enough food to eat or if I'll lose the weight on time. 1 month today exactly, I will have my surgery. I'm a little bit fussed about it but mostly ok. I think I'm just not sure what to expect so I just want to get it over with quickly:eek:

Well after the huge blow to my self esteem at my appt with my MD, I kind of just felt numb for awhile and pretty much didn't want to do anything but lay in bed. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat, didn't feel like going to the gym. I just wanted it to be over. Unfortunately I have to keep living my life. So I feel that I'm ok with it now, went to the gym this a.m. and I'm under 220! Maybe I need to stress less about getting enough food to eat or if I'll lose the weight on time. 1 month today exactly, I will have my surgery. I'm a little bit fussed about it but mostly ok. I think I'm just not sure what to expect so I just want to get it over with quickly:eek:

Yesterday I went to meet with the surgeon for my exam and to get my surgery scheduled. I started the program in February 08 and have been waiting almost 2 years for this. The first question he asks me? "So what has taken you so long?" I explain about my mental status and how unprepared I was to make the changes necessary and about school and not being able to come for my psych classes. Then I explain all about the life changes I've made, getting off sugar completely unless it's the naturally occurring sugar in fruit, my exercise regimen which is an hour or more a day, the diet that I'm following. Then he says "Well if you were doing all those things you would be losing weight faster." Excuse me? If I could lose weight fast I don't think I would need the surgery or even want it. He's looking at me like I'm lying about it and repeatedly keeps telling me that I need to change my lifestyle. I wanted to say to him. "I don't like you. I want a different surgeon." He also tried to give me all the reasons why bypass surgery would be better for me than banding even though the first thing i said was that I would never do bypass because I feel like it's too dangerous and it scares me and I don't want it. Pretty much everything he said to me was negative. Then at the end of my appt. my mom is asking him a question about her band that she had put in, in February and his reply? "You really want to have your healthy habits be a family thing, not just have everyone in your family have surgery." What the hell? Did that comment need to be made? No it' didn't. First of all my sister is a rail, she did not inherit the fat gene, my brother did but he's not fat because he works out all the time and my dad is just a little overweight in his old age. He had no right to say something so rude. Also the only reason my mom had her surgery so much sooner than me is because she lied to the bariatric psychiatrist, and used phentermine and Medifast to lose her pre-surgery weight. Also she never goes to the gym. I on the other had was completely honest with my bariatric psychiatrist who then asked me to go to additional classes, which actually really helped me and the way I look at food, and I am working on losing weight by exercising and eating correctly. Does he even understand how difficult that is for someone with horribly slow metabolism? I work out for an hour or more a day and eat mostly fruits, vegetables and proteins and am losing maybe one pound a week. It's very discouraging to me and I'm pretty tired. School starts August 24 and while I'm sad that my surgery won't be before then, I'm relieved to at least have it scheduled. It's frustrating because everyone else at Kaiser has been so nice to me and I feel like this guy shouldn't be a bariatric surgeon when he has an obvious distaste for fat people. I can't do anything more than what I've been doing and I'm not going to stop doing that. :wink2:

Fortunately for me this guy is just the surgeon. I have one f/u with him after surgery and then I follow up with the band fill MD. There are two other surgeons and I am thinking about calling and asking for the same surgeon that did my mom's surgery. But at the same time, I have my surgery date and don't have to deal with this guy too much, I just wish he hadn't been so rude to me. I will be filing a complaint against him with member services anyway so hopefully he'll maybe not be so mean to other patients.