bluestategirl

Just had a fill a couple weeks ago. Since then I've lost five pounds. I finally have broken the miserable plateau I was on. I'm so excited and a lot of the depressive feelings I was having are gone. I have this skirt hanging in my closet from college. I haven't worn it in ten years. It's black and has red skulls on it. I'll probably never wear it again but I was saving it until I could fit into it again, just to know that I could wear it if I wanted to. I put it on the other day just to check my progress and was able to zip it all the way up. Instantly I was taken back 10 years and had the urge to dye my hair black and find my fishnets and buy a pair of doc martins. My best friends both have forbade me to wear it. It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come since then. My hair is long now, dark brown and I think I'm much more beautiful without all the black eyeliner. It seems like ever since Lent and Holy Week came I've been doing so much better with my own self-image. Once again I'm not seeing a fat girl in the mirror when I look in it. Also I'm taking a lot of risks in my life and that is making me feel alive again. I've started looking for ways to be positive about my job so that I'm not as upset and angry all the time. It seems to be working. When my life is going well it doesn't seem like I make as much of an effort to control my emotional eating, but when I'm happy I am more focused on making sure that I take care of myself. Anyway that's it for now. Weight this morning was 181.0 hoping to get below 180 by the end of the week.:thumbup:

Just had a fill a couple weeks ago. Since then I've lost five pounds. I finally have broken the miserable plateau I was on. I'm so excited and a lot of the depressive feelings I was having are gone. I have this skirt hanging in my closet from college. I haven't worn it in ten years. It's black and has red skulls on it. I'll probably never wear it again but I was saving it until I could fit into it again, just to know that I could wear it if I wanted to. I put it on the other day just to check my progress and was able to zip it all the way up. Instantly I was taken back 10 years and had the urge to dye my hair black and find my fishnets and buy a pair of doc martins. My best friends both have forbade me to wear it. It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come since then. My hair is long now, dark brown and I think I'm much more beautiful without all the black eyeliner. It seems like ever since Lent and Holy Week came I've been doing so much better with my own self-image. Once again I'm not seeing a fat girl in the mirror when I look in it. Also I'm taking a lot of risks in my life and that is making me feel alive again. I've started looking for ways to be positive about my job so that I'm not as upset and angry all the time. It seems to be working. When my life is going well it doesn't seem like I make as much of an effort to control my emotional eating, but when I'm happy I am more focused on making sure that I take care of myself. Anyway that's it for now. Weight this morning was 181.0 hoping to get below 180 by the end of the week.:thumbup:

So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face. So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.

So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face. So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.:tongue:

So I'm now about 4 months out from my surgery and I've hit a plateau. I cannot seem to break 180 and I'm yo-yo-ing between 182 and 185. I really don't think there is enough fluid in my band because I can definitely eat way too much. I've only had a few moment where I really have felt the restriction. Maybe I'm eating too slow? I don't know. Anyway I've started a new training schedule to prepare for running a 5k run in June. It's a benefit for WEAVE and I think it will be really great to give something back to my community. It's been a little depressing lately with all the changes going on in my life. I spent most of yesterday in tears and I can't really figure out why. My job is really getting to me and in the midst of trying to be grateful that I even have a job I can't help but feel resentful that the job I have is one I hate so much. I just didn't realize that having this surgery was going to be this hard. All I think about is how far away from my goal I am. I was starting to feel better about myself after having lost over 50 pounds but this plateau has made it really difficult for me. I still have a long way to go. I'm really hoping that training for this 5k is going to help me reach my goal. I have a hard time focusing on the here and now and that keeps me stuck in the same place. I have a follow up appointment soon I think and I'll ask for more fluid in my band. I'm hoping that is going to help me more. I was running today and thinking about Lent because it is starting on February 17th. I am trying to think of what to give up for the season. Possibly sugar? My 31st birthday is on the 24th and I wonder if God would be offended if I broke my sugar fast for it. That's the problem with having a birthday that is right in the middle of Lent. Turning 31 is going to be worse than turning 30 I think. I really thought that this last year would be really great and that I'd meet someone but it actually turned out to be not a very good year. I hope that this next year is going to be better. I would like to be at my goal weight by the time I turn 32. That's a little over a year to lose about 80 pounds. In my New Year's resolutions I resolved to be a more positive person this year and to do all the things I've been saying that I was going to do but haven't done yet. So by the end of the year I hope to have enough saved to go to Paris. It's the one thing that I've never done that I wish and wish that I had. I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 and realize that my life has passed me by. Anyway. Having the surgery was a really good thing for me because I'm learning how to appreciate food and enjoy exercising. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.

So I'm now about 4 months out from my surgery and I've hit a plateau. I cannot seem to break 180 and I'm yo-yo-ing between 182 and 185. I really don't think there is enough fluid in my band because I can definitely eat way too much. I've only had a few moment where I really have felt the restriction. Maybe I'm eating too slow? I don't know. Anyway I've started a new training schedule to prepare for running a 5k run in June. It's a benefit for WEAVE and I think it will be really great to give something back to my community. It's been a little depressing lately with all the changes going on in my life. I spent most of yesterday in tears and I can't really figure out why. My job is really getting to me and in the midst of trying to be grateful that I even have a job I can't help but feel resentful that the job I have is one I hate so much. I just didn't realize that having this surgery was going to be this hard. All I think about is how far away from my goal I am. I was starting to feel better about myself after having lost over 50 pounds but this plateau has made it really difficult for me. I still have a long way to go. I'm really hoping that training for this 5k is going to help me reach my goal. I have a hard time focusing on the here and now and that keeps me stuck in the same place. I have a follow up appointment soon I think and I'll ask for more fluid in my band. I'm hoping that is going to help me more. I was running today and thinking about Lent because it is starting on February 17th. I am trying to think of what to give up for the season. Possibly sugar? My 31st birthday is on the 24th and I wonder if God would be offended if I broke my sugar fast for it. That's the problem with having a birthday that is right in the middle of Lent. Turning 31 is going to be worse than turning 30 I think. I really thought that this last year would be really great and that I'd meet someone but it actually turned out to be not a very good year. I hope that this next year is going to be better. I would like to be at my goal weight by the time I turn 32. That's a little over a year to lose about 80 pounds. In my New Year's resolutions I resolved to be a more positive person this year and to do all the things I've been saying that I was going to do but haven't done yet. So by the end of the year I hope to have enough saved to go to Paris. It's the one thing that I've never done that I wish and wish that I had. I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 and realize that my life has passed me by. Anyway. Having the surgery was a really good thing for me because I'm learning how to appreciate food and enjoy exercising. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.:smile2:

I had my second fill today and had .5 cc added to the 5 cc that was already in. On the way home I started to feel really dizzy and had to sit down. I've been feeling really awful ever since. I really can't tell if it's because I overdid it at the gym because I was really excited and wanting to get off the 3 pounds I gained over the holidays or if just having the fill done made me feel sick. Anyway now I'm home and just trying to relax. I had a half a cup of pea soup for dinner and I'm totally full which is great because I've been able to eat way too much and have been hungry between meals also. Up to this point I've only had one episode of not chewing up my food enough to the point where it got stuck. I think I learned a pretty good lesson there. Anyway I've lost 52 pounds to date. 85 to go until I reach my goal of 100 pounds. A lot of people have told me that's too thin but at 4'11" it's actually the ideal weight for my height. I'm planning on meeting with a personal trainer at the gym this week to see what I need to do to have the least amount of extra skin possible. Also I'm going to start tanning to combat the depression that I get during the winter. Even though I feel like crap today I feel pretty positive about the next year to come and I'm pretty confident I can get pretty close to my goal.

I had my second fill today and had .5 cc added to the 5 cc that was already in. On the way home I started to feel really dizzy and had to sit down. I've been feeling really awful ever since. I really can't tell if it's because I overdid it at the gym because I was really excited and wanting to get off the 3 pounds I gained over the holidays or if just having the fill done made me feel sick. Anyway now I'm home and just trying to relax. I had a half a cup of pea soup for dinner and I'm totally full which is great because I've been able to eat way too much and have been hungry between meals also. Up to this point I've only had one episode of not chewing up my food enough to the point where it got stuck. I think I learned a pretty good lesson there. Anyway I've lost 52 pounds to date. 85 to go until I reach my goal of 100 pounds. A lot of people have told me that's too thin but at 4'11" it's actually the ideal weight for my height. I'm planning on meeting with a personal trainer at the gym this week to see what I need to do to have the least amount of extra skin possible. Also I'm going to start tanning to combat the depression that I get during the winter. Even though I feel like crap today I feel pretty positive about the next year to come and I'm pretty confident I can get pretty close to my goal.

So I'm two months post-op. I've been doing really well and have lost about 30 pounds. My total weight loss is 50. I'm right at 187. I feel like I'm doing great but I also feel depressed. I don't know if it's because of other things going on in my life or delayed depression from the surgery. My mom wanted to know why I wasn't more depressed right after. For the whole first month I was so happy all the time. Now I'm down in the dumps. I miss certain foods, like risotto. I'm sure that I could have a bite or two of it but I don't want to risk killing myself for one shining moment of food pleasure. Also I feel like I can eat too much and definitely need another fill. They scheduled me for a Friday but I can't do that because I have a class all day. I love my band though. It feels so good to be able to wear normal size clothes again and know I won't be going back up. I'm mostly following the rules but there have been a couple times when I have let my sugar urges take over. Then I spend the next two days beating myself up about it. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's my own fault but I don't know how to stop the cycle. Just one more behavioral adjustment that I need to make. I'm feeling like maybe I need to go to some of the support groups but Kaiser only has one a month in Sacramento. I wish I could combine knitting with a support group. hmmm. I wonder how that would work. Anyway that's it for now.

So I'm two months post-op. I've been doing really well and have lost about 30 pounds. My total weight loss is 50. I'm right at 187. I feel like I'm doing great but I also feel depressed. I don't know if it's because of other things going on in my life or delayed depression from the surgery. My mom wanted to know why I wasn't more depressed right after. For the whole first month I was so happy all the time. Now I'm down in the dumps. I miss certain foods, like risotto. I'm sure that I could have a bite or two of it but I don't want to risk killing myself for one shining moment of food pleasure. Also I feel like I can eat too much and definitely need another fill. They scheduled me for a Friday but I can't do that because I have a class all day. I love my band though. It feels so good to be able to wear normal size clothes again and know I won't be going back up. I'm mostly following the rules but there have been a couple times when I have let my sugar urges take over. Then I spend the next two days beating myself up about it. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's my own fault but I don't know how to stop the cycle. Just one more behavioral adjustment that I need to make. I'm feeling like maybe I need to go to some of the support groups but Kaiser only has one a month in Sacramento. I wish I could combine knitting with a support group. hmmm. I wonder how that would work. Anyway that's it for now.

I take the chewables from Trader Joes, and chewy bites calcium from Bariatric Advantage. I look forward to both because they taste like candy.

if you were just banded on 9/16 you shouldn't even be trying to eat solid foods yet. I had mine on 09/17 and I'm on a full liquid diet for two weeks. Yogurts, strained cream soups, sugar free puddings, things like that. Your doctor should have told you not to try anything solid for awhile. Wait a few weeks and then try it again.