deanna

I've always wanted to be thin and toned,and I am so excited about the reality approaching. But the other day, I was thinking about it, and I realized that deep down I am actually terrified of being thin...I'm afraid I won't stand out in a crowd, that I won't have jokes to crack, and that I am going to be judged on how I look... I'm afraid that my relationship with my fiance will change,too...How can somthing so drastic not? Has anyone else had these fears, or experienced any of these situations??!! It's funny how the one thing I have wanted for so long is terrifying me now!

My insurance denied me. I'm not worried. I'm going to go ahead and place my appeals, and see where it goes from there. There is no way that a 277 pound 21 year old isn't a good candidate for this surgery. I have PCOS,High cholesterol,sleep apnea,chronic knee-hip-back-joint pain,and am morbidly obese. At 21 years old! There's no way in hell they'll get away with denying me. I've waited my whole life for the help I've needed with this. Another month or so won't hurt.

My insurance denied me. I'm not worried. I'm going to go ahead and place my appeals, and see where it goes from there. There is no way that a 277 pound 21 year old isn't a good candidate for this surgery. I have PCOS,High cholesterol,sleep apnea,chronic knee-hip-back-joint pain,and am morbidly obese. At 21 years old! There's no way in hell they'll get away with denying me. I've waited my whole life for the help I've needed with this. Another month or so won't hurt.

Life has been crazy, and I haven't been updating! There have been floods in the apartment,the car died,mike's mom went to the mental hospital, and when she got out she told them that we stole her car,when, in reality,she let us borrow it for a week when ours broke. Then a lot of expensive things were stolen out of the afore-mentioned car,creating a very hectic life for us all around. Also, just two days ago, Mike heard his best childhood friend had passed. Things have been very difficult for us these past two months. But still I trudge on down the bandster trail. I've had numerous appointments and classes. I've re-grouped with Pam, the nurse practitioner,who told me I had the go-ahead to meet with the surgeon. When I met him, he tried to talk me into getting bypass instead of the band, to the point where I finally told him if he didn't want to band me, that's fine, I would go somewhere else. He changed his tune super freaking fast. He told me I am the perfect candidate for banding. Turns out, that hospital gets more for bypass than banding. go figure. He told me yesterday that I can expect to have m surgery within the next 3-4 weeks, and that as soon as I see a hematologist and lose 10 pounds, I am good to go!!!! I also have one more support group meeting this upcoming week,and another surgery skills class. I am still awaiting insurance approval, which was jsut submitted last week. This is getting super real, and I'm not sure how to deal with it! I want to write more, but I have to go and finish getting everything out of the rooms to be re-carpeted today!

Life has been crazy, and I haven't been updating! There have been floods in the apartment,the car died,mike's mom went to the mental hospital, and when she got out she told them that we stole her car,when, in reality,she let us borrow it for a week when ours broke. Then a lot of expensive things were stolen out of the afore-mentioned car,creating a very hectic life for us all around. Also, just two days ago, Mike heard his best childhood friend had passed. Things have been very difficult for us these past two months. But still I trudge on down the bandster trail. I've had numerous appointments and classes. I've re-grouped with Pam, the nurse practitioner,who told me I had the go-ahead to meet with the surgeon. When I met him, he tried to talk me into getting bypass instead of the band, to the point where I finally told him if he didn't want to band me, that's fine, I would go somewhere else. He changed his tune super freaking fast. He told me I am the perfect candidate for banding. Turns out, that hospital gets more for bypass than banding. go figure. He told me yesterday that I can expect to have m surgery within the next 3-4 weeks, and that as soon as I see a hematologist and lose 10 pounds, I am good to go!!!! I also have one more support group meeting this upcoming week,and another surgery skills class. I am still awaiting insurance approval, which was jsut submitted last week. This is getting super real, and I'm not sure how to deal with it! I want to write more, but I have to go and finish getting everything out of the rooms to be re-carpeted today!

Hello! I pop in on your journal once in a while, and I just wanted to say CONGRATS!!!!! How does it feel to be on your way!?! You'll be in my prayers, I am so proud of you!!!

Last night was the dreaded sleep study! It wasn't as monumental as I thought it would be. The nurse rubbed the heck out of me with an exfoliant,stuck lots of wires on my head,hands,face,and legs, and told me to sleep. Much easier said than done!I tossed and turned all night, and the people around me were snoring so loudly I wanted to cry! They kicked us out at 6 am, and I went to Mike's sister's house for the day to hang. I had pizza for lunch (uh oh! NOT ON THE DIET!!!!), and will never do it again. My body is SO not used to that much fat since I started this pre-op diet. My belly still aches, and it's now 1 am! :car: It sounds sick, but it feels like an acomplishment...!!! More details later! I have one chapter of Harry Potter left, and I am going to go finish up!!! Sweet dreams,my loves! Deanna

Last night was the dreaded sleep study! It wasn't as monumental as I thought it would be. The nurse rubbed the heck out of me with an exfoliant,stuck lots of wires on my head,hands,face,and legs, and told me to sleep. Much easier said than done!I tossed and turned all night, and the people around me were snoring so loudly I wanted to cry! They kicked us out at 6 am, and I went to Mike's sister's house for the day to hang. I had pizza for lunch (uh oh! NOT ON THE DIET!!!!), and will never do it again. My body is SO not used to that much fat since I started this pre-op diet. My belly still aches, and it's now 1 am! It sounds sick, but it feels like an acomplishment...!!! More details later! I have one chapter of Harry Potter left, and I am going to go finish up!!! Sweet dreams,my loves! Deanna

Yesterday we had a cookout with my fiance's family for the 4th, and we had a good time. HOWEVER... His sister and I get along great, she's a big girl,too, but once in a while I catch her doing things to try and trip me up. Sometimes I think she's jealous of me "stealing" her baby brother. I'll catch her glaring at me when she thinks I'm not looking, and weird things like that. I've been trying to get her to come be banded with me, but she kind of shrugs it off, and I think it's because she is one of those people who enjoys having somthing to be upset about, if that makes sense. Well I made it clear that I didn't want any of my trigger foods brought to the house, because it's no secret that I just began my pre-op diet and have been doing AWESOME. Well we took a walk to the beach, and on the way back, she stopped into the grocery store for some "things". She comes out with smartfood popcorn... I didn't really think much of it, because hell, I was excited, it's my favorite junkfood! Well, she kept saying things like "you were doing great on your diet until I came over,huh?"...and stuff like that. I didn't think anything of it until after they went home and she insisted the smartfood stay at my house. I walked into the kitchen to talk to my fiance,he looked at me with my arm in the bag, and all of a sudden it registered. She did it on PURPOSE!!!! The psychiatrist told me that it would happen at my pre-op evaluation. She said some people can't handle that you're changing the dynamic of your relationship with them, or that they're insecure of themselves and will want to keep me down... I didn't think it would reallly happen to me, though!!!!!! Has that happened to anyone else????

Hello kids! I just recieved some paperwork in the mail yesterday, telling me about the next lapband steps I have to dance before I get my surgery date! 7/25:Shrink apt that I am cancelling because robby kreiger of The Doors is playing at my college, and the Doors have always been my favorite band... 7/25:Sleep Apnea test (eeks!) I was told to bring PJs and to not get a lot of sleep the night before... 7/31:Mandatory sypport group session 8/15 I GET MY SURGERY DATE! (follow up with the nurse practitioner. If I've lost 7 lbs.,which is half of the weight expected to be shed before surgery, she sets the date with me before I leave!!!!!!!WOOHAAAA!) 8/19 Apnea test follow-up...checking in on the test results The 1st,2nd,3rd, and 5th Wednesday of August: Pre Surgery Skills Class I'm almost there! Right now my focus lies in losing my pre-op 15 lbs. 7.5 of them have to be by August 15th to keep things running smothly and speedy!!!!

Hello kids! I just recieved some paperwork in the mail yesterday, telling me about the next lapband steps I have to dance before I get my surgery date! 7/25:Shrink apt that I am cancelling because robby kreiger of The Doors is playing at my college, and the Doors have always been my favorite band... 7/25:Sleep Apnea test (eeks!) I was told to bring PJs and to not get a lot of sleep the night before... 7/31:Mandatory sypport group session 8/15 I GET MY SURGERY DATE! (follow up with the nurse practitioner. If I've lost 7 lbs.,which is half of the weight expected to be shed before surgery, she sets the date with me before I leave!!!!!!!WOOHAAAA!) 8/19 Apnea test follow-up...checking in on the test results The 1st,2nd,3rd, and 5th Wednesday of August: Pre Surgery Skills Class I'm almost there! Right now my focus lies in losing my pre-op 15 lbs. 7.5 of them have to be by August 15th to keep things running smothly and speedy!!!!

Congratulations on the begining of your life-changing journey!!!

What a bummer! I'm so sorry to hear this! I know how much it stinks when stupid things get in the way of the lapband path...I feel like I've had roadblocks every corner I turn! Keep your head up, and don't let it get you down! You're on your way,baby! :grouphug:

Needless to say, the death of my friend really lead to the trashing of my pre-op diet. It's been a week now, and it's time for me to deal with my pain properly, and not with food. I've decided that this is life, and life will always happen, and food is to nourish me so that I can HAVE life, food itself IS NOT LIFE!!! I have 7 pounds to loose before August 15th,my pre-op followup with the nurse practitioner. If I have lost 7 lbs by that date, that's the day they set my surgery date!!! Everything is moving much faster than I thought that it would! I know that I am going to have no problems losing the weight, it's the insurance approval I'm freaking about! Death has become a reality to me since Vicky's funeral, and the consequences of surgery gone wrong are weighing on me now. But I am just going to trust in Jesus, and know that I'm in his hands, no matter what... Also, statistically, the odds of me dying in surgery as the youngest patient with the lowest BMI they've ever had, when they've never lost a patient before,are very VERY slim... trying to make myself feel better...lol.

Needless to say, the death of my friend really lead to the trashing of my pre-op diet. It's been a week now, and it's time for me to deal with my pain properly, and not with food. I've decided that this is life, and life will always happen, and food is to nourish me so that I can HAVE life, food itself IS NOT LIFE!!! I have 7 pounds to loose before August 15th,my pre-op followup with the nurse practitioner. If I have lost 7 lbs by that date, that's the day they set my surgery date!!! Everything is moving much faster than I thought that it would! I know that I am going to have no problems losing the weight, it's the insurance approval I'm freaking about! Death has become a reality to me since Vicky's funeral, and the consequences of surgery gone wrong are weighing on me now. But I am just going to trust in Jesus, and know that I'm in his hands, no matter what... Also, statistically, the odds of me dying in surgery as the youngest patient with the lowest BMI they've ever had, when they've never lost a patient before,are very VERY slim... trying to make myself feel better...lol.

This morning I got a phonecall telling me one of my friends from home committed suicide... There, I said it. She's dead. The words are dry in my mouth...Completly devoid of feeling;there's no attachment. It comes in waves-numbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainanger...When comes relief? I feel like it's a sick joke, and praying it's just a rumor...An awful rumor that she'll call me crying about... But she's wanted this for a long time, and I pray that she finally has the peace she always yearned for...I pray that her wings will allow her to rise much higher than the earth's gravity ever could... 20 is too young to die...I'm mad at you, Victoria. This is what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted love and attention so badly you'd die for it...We're all crying now...Loving,missing, and thinking only of you.I hope you can see us now...You were beautiful,you know...those big eyes,always so filled with pain... Your search for Christ was a long search, and you fell off the path sometimes, and you always wondered if He loved you. But you know for sure now, don't you? Jesus loves you,baby and so do we. We always have, Victoria. I always will. It's almost five am, and I can't sleep...Everytime I close my eyes, I think about your body on the floor, and I wonder how you felt during you last concious moments before they found you... Were you scared? Elated? Satisfied? I pray to God you finally felt content, and at ease. Last time I saw you, you were fine...You were going to church,eating again, and you weren't depressed...There was finally a light in your eyes and that void was gone. I thought it was for good this time... You were so small, always wanting to inflict pain on yourself. We couldn't stop you, no matter how many times we had tried. I knew your secret, and I'll take it to the grave... grave...the thought of your body in the ground makes me gag... I love you, and I know in your final days I wasn't around, and I'm sorry... But words won't cut it now, will they? It's too late...I was too late and I'm sorry. But I'll always think of you, and your deep dimples and that crazy hat. I always hated that hat. But not you. I always loved you. You're finally free,vicky. Go ahead and fly. I'll see you again someday, in another time and in another place.

This morning I got a phonecall telling me one of my friends from home committed suicide... There, I said it. She's dead. The words are dry in my mouth...Completly devoid of feeling;there's no attachment. It comes in waves-numbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainanger...When comes relief? I feel like it's a sick joke, and praying it's just a rumor...An awful rumor that she'll call me crying about... But she's wanted this for a long time, and I pray that she finally has the peace she always yearned for...I pray that her wings will allow her to rise much higher than the earth's gravity ever could... 20 is too young to die...I'm mad at you, Victoria. This is what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted love and attention so badly you'd die for it...We're all crying now...Loving,missing, and thinking only of you.I hope you can see us now...You were beautiful,you know...those big eyes,always so filled with pain... Your search for Christ was a long search, and you fell off the path sometimes, and you always wondered if He loved you. But you know for sure now, don't you? Jesus loves you,baby and so do we. We always have, Victoria. I always will. It's almost five am, and I can't sleep...Everytime I close my eyes, I think about your body on the floor, and I wonder how you felt during you last concious moments before they found you... Were you scared? Elated? Satisfied? I pray to God you finally felt content, and at ease. Last time I saw you, you were fine...You were going to church,eating again, and you weren't depressed...There was finally a light in your eyes and that void was gone. I thought it was for good this time... You were so small, always wanting to inflict pain on yourself. We couldn't stop you, no matter how many times we had tried. I knew your secret, and I'll take it to the grave... grave...the thought of your body in the ground makes me gag... I love you, and I know in your final days I wasn't around, and I'm sorry... But words won't cut it now, will they? It's too late...I was too late and I'm sorry. But I'll always think of you, and your deep dimples and that crazy hat. I always hated that hat. But not you. I always loved you. You're finally free,vicky. Go ahead and fly. I'll see you again someday, in another time and in another place.

Date Posted: Today at 04:27 PM - Comments (0) Yesterday we had a cookout with my fiance's family for the 4th, and we had a good time. HOWEVER... His sister and I get along great, she's a big girl,too, but once in a while I catch her doing things to try and trip me up. Sometimes I think she's jealous of me "stealing" her baby brother. I'll catch her glaring at me when she thinks I'm not looking, and weird things like that. I've been trying to get her to come be banded with me, but she kind of shrugs it off, and I think it's because she is one of those people who enjoys having somthing to be upset about, if that makes sense. Well I made it clear that I didn't want any of my trigger foods brought to the house, because it's no secret that I just began my pre-op diet and have been doing AWESOME. Well we took a walk to the beach, and on the way back, she stopped into the grocery store for some "things". She comes out with smartfood popcorn... I didn't really think much of it, because hell, I was excited, it's my favorite junkfood! Well, she kept saying things like "you were doing great on your diet until I came over,huh?"...and stuff like that. I didn't think anything of it until after they went home and she insisted the smartfood stay at my house. I walked into the kitchen to talk to my fiance,he looked at me with my arm in the bag, and all of a sudden it registered. She did it on PURPOSE!!!! The psychiatrist told me that it would happen at my pre-op evaluation. She said some people can't handle that you're changing the dynamic of your relationship with them, or that they're insecure of themselves and will want to keep me down... I didn't think it would reallly happen to me, though!!!!!! Has that happened to anyone else????

I've always been overweight...When I was two,I was "cute". When I was six,I was "chubby". When I hit fifth grade,I had "baby fat". Once middle school occured, that was it. I was "Fat","gross","lard-ass",and "whale". What do food addict teenagers do when they're depressed? They eat. That cycle has gotten me to where I am today. I'm 21 years old, 5'7", and weight 275 lbs. This took some getting used to. Over the years, I have thankfully realized how much I have, and that my size is most certainly not one of my defining characteristics. I have an amazing fiance, a close and supportive family,and astounding friends who all rally together as a strong support team when I need them. I've recently called upon them to do their thang, as I have decided that it is time to put the Doritos back on the shelf and get myself in shape! The decison for lap band came after much heartbreak, yo-yo dieting, and many binge sessions. One of my long-time mentors growing up went to Mexico to be banded a few years ago. I thought she was nuts, and when she left for the plane, I just smiled, prayed, and watched her children. I never looked into what she was having done, I just thought it sounded insane. When the pounds started falling off of her, this 'band thing' started to sound less and less insane. She'd only eat three doritos on movie night, and at cookouts, she'd drink water and eat a bun-less burger. That wasn't the woman I knew...I was super interested, and finally talked to her about it. She told me she knew what I was going through, and urged me to research the band. Here I am three years later;rediculously over-educated on the lap band, and eagerly awaiting my first pre-op appointment that's only two days away. Here is where I plan to record and share the many trials and tribulations-both physical and emotional. I urge everyone to fasten their seatbelts,this is going to be one hell of a turbulant ride!!!!!!!

summer dresses (can go out in public without incision pain!) flip flops/slip on shoes inspirational movies,books,and sleazy celeb gossip magazines! neosporin firming cream gauze pads paper tape wet wipes liquid gas-x adult-strength liquid tylenol heating pad flexible ice packs pill cutter drink mixer(for protien-powder based drinks) crystal light "better than bullion" (sheesh! mega protien!wowee!) protien shakes/mix/supplement SF popsicles SF jello

summer dresses (can go out in public without incision pain!) flip flops/slip on shoes inspirational movies,books,and sleazy celeb gossip magazines! neosporin firming cream gauze pads paper tape wet wipes liquid gas-x adult-strength liquid tylenol heating pad flexible ice packs pill cutter drink mixer(for protien-powder based drinks) crystal light "better than bullion" (sheesh! mega protien!wowee!) protien shakes/mix/supplement SF popsicles SF jello

hahaha..ouch...the skinny girlfriend sabatoging! How do you deal? Do you brush it off and ignore it or confront it?

Yesterday we had a cookout with my fiance's family for the 4th, and we had a good time. HOWEVER... His sister and I get along great, she's a big girl,too, but once in a while I catch her doing things to try and trip me up. Sometimes I think she's jealous of me "stealing" her baby brother. I'll catch her glaring at me when she thinks I'm not looking, and weird things like that. I've been trying to get her to come be banded with me, but she kind of shrugs it off, and I think it's because she is one of those people who enjoys having somthing to be upset about, if that makes sense. Well I made it clear that I didn't want any of my trigger foods brought to the house, because it's no secret that I just began my pre-op diet and have been doing AWESOME. Well we took a walk to the beach, and on the way back, she stopped into the grocery store for some "things". She comes out with smartfood popcorn... I didn't really think much of it, because hell, I was excited, it's my favorite junkfood! Well, she kept saying things like "you were doing great on your diet until I came over,huh?"...and stuff like that. I didn't think anything of it until after they went home and she insisted the smartfood stay at my house. I walked into the kitchen to talk to my fiance,he looked at me with my arm in the bag, and all of a sudden it registered. She did it on PURPOSE!!!! The psychiatrist told me that it would happen at my pre-op evaluation. She said some people can't handle that you're changing the dynamic of your relationship with them, or that they're insecure of themselves and will want to keep me down... I didn't think it would reallly happen to me, though!!!!!! Has that happened to anyone else????