ifyourstomachoffendsyou

Thursday, July 2, 2009 Food, Farts, and Footwork Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal. I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart. I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it. I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal. I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason. I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight. The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times. That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details. I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer. We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 Arthritis set-back I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.) I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated. This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do. I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees. So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me. Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.

If you are a Christian woman who suspects you might have some ADHD you might be interested in checking out my blog at IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF This post in particular gets into how it affected me. Wednesday, July 8, 2009 Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons? One of the craziest arguments I ever got into was about whether Adam and Eve had bellybuttons. Some argued that since they were never born they wouldn't have had an umbilical cord. Others argued that they had to have had them or could not have genetically passed them on to their children. This was back when I was a freshman in college and as you can tell, this was a fairly conservative group of Christian young people. It's a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of dilemma. The same thing is true of trying to get at the root causes of compulsive overeating. Their seems to be more and more evidence of brain chemistry at work in food addictions as well as genetic pre-dispositions to having these problems. At the same time, emotional factors seem to play a big role in all eating disorders and for some people seem to have been the trigger for their addictions. Social and spiritual issues are also involved. Chicken or egg? Likewise, in dealing with compulsive overeating, a variety of tools is needed to find recovery. Some people find it helpful to to keep track of their food and plan it ahead of time. I have no problem with this as long as they don't expect me to do it, too. Just thinking about doing it makes me want to eat. I don't have a problem with it as long as it doesn't become just another form of the disease, another food obsession, with the restrictions reaching the point of ridiculousness. I knew one man who was genuinely allergic to gluten so he eliminated all gluten from his diet and felt much better. He was no longer heavy but he decided he was addicted to carbs, especially simple carbs and eliminated all carbs other than fruits and vegetables. Then he switched from caffeine to decaf but decided decaf was now an addiction and had to be eliminated. Of course, sugar substitutes were an addiction, and oversized portions were an addiction so he weighed and measured everything. I don't think he ate red meat. His food plan became his bible. He and another woman who didn't have the gluten issue but had been massively overweight and followed the same food plan combined forces and began promoting their food plan in OA meetings. Many people asked them to be sponsors because they appeared to be successful in conquering their food addiction. Those of us who didn't adopt their plan began to feel like misfits. Eventually they formed their own recovery business, divorced their respective spouses and married each other. When I went back to OA recently I saw a lot of that same mentality. The fact is that I am totally incapable of that kind of rigidity. I really am officially diagnosed as ADHD and my friends and co-workers know it and joke about it with me. I designed my job so that my assistants would take care of all paperwork and details and organization that drive me crazy. At home my husband does the same. This has freed me up to stop trying to be someone I'm not, and allowed me to do what I'm really good at--teaching and tutoring at-risk students with all my creative juices flowing, with flexibility and the ability to change lesson plans in a heartbeat and fly by the seat of my pants in a new direction when the situation needs it. Many of the emotional issues that contribute to my eating disorder arise from being an ADHD girl in a school, church, and social setting where that was not acceptable (it hadn't even been given a name, yet). Its taken me a long time to learn to love my ADHD and the gifts its given me. I can't be around people who trigger that old shame from my childhood, people who think that everyone should be able to recover using the same rigid techniques. This past year I really saw and measured the progress my students made over time, I saw ideas I had bloom and take on a life of their own in ways that really helped and will help the school. My classroom and my work have been enormously blessed. My ability to see the big picture and implement a long-term vision for my classroom paid off. My classroom is where I am most myself, where my ADHD is my biggest asset. I think that's partly what gave me the courage to go ahead with the lapband. I picked a tool that works for me and coordinates well with my ADHD. Instead of ADHD being the trigger for compulsive overeating, I'm letting it be part of the cure. This blog is evidence of that. I am becoming the person God has always meant for me to be. I am doing the good work he set aside for me to do. I will not be made over into the image of those who would shame me for not being like them. I want to be made over more and more into his image. I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest."

The connection between ADHD and compulsive eating is something I've been noticing in myself for some time. I've never actually read an article directly connecting them, but ADHD in women is known to cause depression and low self-esteem since it often affects our ability to keep up with things that are automatically expected of women--like neat clean houses, organized schedules, following recipes, etc. We spend a lot of time trying to be good at things we're not good at, and trying to fit the mold which nobody really does but we're not even close. Eating has always helped me concentrate and focus and sit still.

Had a terrible day today. My mom and I were going to ride the train to downtown Chi-town and couldn't find parking that wasn't permit parking in time to make the train. We decided to wait to catch the next, but then were told we were not in a valid parking spot. My mom, in hurrying to find out where we could park didn't see that she was on a 3 sided stoop with no railings and fell on her knee. (She's 76) She opted not to go for an x-ray and I took her home and propped up her knee, got pain meds in her, and started icing the knee. She was able to limp on that leg. My dad came home and eventually she had to use the washroom. She couldn't get out of the chair and my dad tried to turn the lounge chair with her in it (he's 81) and we both yelled at him to stop. He took offense. We managed to get my mom out of the chair and she used a walker to get to the washroom but had trouble gettin up from the toilet. She came out and said she wanted to call my bro who is a physician who lives in Mich. My dad said why bother, he can't come here to see it. (They have free long distance and why he should deny her calling someone for advice made no sense.) My mom was still walking around which I was afraid would cause even more pain and swelling once she sat down so I said I thought she should sit down and not keep walking. My dad told me I should just shut up. I screamed at him that he should shut up, that he knew nothing about medicine and he was too bossy, Then I went to the phone and called my brother who told us to take my mom to the hospital. Even though she could walk people her age might not feel that the bone (end of the tibia) behind the patella (kneecap) could be broken. So he ended up taking her there even though he had said she should wait a few days and see how she was doing. My poor mom. It's partly her fault because she's incredibly indecisive and has never handled my dad's bossiness well. I generally present her with options and try not to make the decisions for her, but its hard. Anyway, the whole day was a bust. I feel terrible for yelling at my dad but I'm still angry. I'm writing about it because normally I'd really get into the food about now. And I haven't even talked about my car. Let's just say its making more noise than my stomach and once I got my son to take it seriously he discovered major issues and now I've got to decide whether to fix it or replace it and I hate buying cars and I've got conflicting advice from my husband, my son, and my dad. aargh.

Had a terrible day today. My mom and I were going to ride the train to downtown Chi-town and couldn't find parking that wasn't permit parking in time to make the train. We decided to wait to catch the next, but then were told we were not in a valid parking spot. My mom, in hurrying to find out where we could park didn't see that she was on a 3 sided stoop with no railings and fell on her knee. (She's 76) She opted not to go for an x-ray and I took her home and propped up her knee, got pain meds in her, and started icing the knee. She was able to limp on that leg. My dad came home and eventually she had to use the washroom. She couldn't get out of the chair and my dad tried to turn the lounge chair with her in it (he's 81) and we both yelled at him to stop. He took offense. We managed to get my mom out of the chair and she used a walker to get to the washroom but had trouble gettin up from the toilet. She came out and said she wanted to call my bro who is a physician who lives in Mich. My dad said why bother, he can't come here to see it. (They have free long distance and why he should deny her calling someone for advice made no sense.) My mom was still walking around which I was afraid would cause even more pain and swelling once she sat down so I said I thought she should sit down and not keep walking. My dad told me I should just shut up. I screamed at him that he should shut up, that he knew nothing about medicine and he was too bossy, Then I went to the phone and called my brother who told us to take my mom to the hospital. Even though she could walk people her age might not feel that the bone (end of the tibia) behind the patella (kneecap) could be broken. So he ended up taking her there even though he had said she should wait a few days and see how she was doing. My poor mom. It's partly her fault because she's incredibly indecisive and has never handled my dad's bossiness well. I generally present her with options and try not to make the decisions for her, but its hard. Anyway, the whole day was a bust. I feel terrible for yelling at my dad but I'm still angry. I'm writing about it because normally I'd really get into the food about now. And I haven't even talked about my car. Let's just say its making more noise than my stomach and once I got my son to take it seriously he discovered major issues and now I've got to decide whether to fix it or replace it and I hate buying cars and I've got conflicting advice from my husband, my son, and my dad. aargh.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Apologies I had an excellent comment on my post of 2 days ago. Although I did not mean to trivialize the difficulties of thinner people who struggle with food, it came off that way. People who are thin can also struggle with food obsession and addiction and are as desperate as those who show the disease outwardly. I'm putting the comment out here as today's post. It's said better than I could ever say it. "I would just like to add something to this posting. Being a certain weight does not always determine the severity of an eating disorder. "Skinny" or "normal weight" people (that may not be obviously struggling with food issues) may be dealing with food addiction/aversion issues far worse than their outward appearance shows. Bulimia, anorexia, and generalized disordered eating are unfortunately extremely common now, and these eating disorders cause serious health problems that can be fatal- just like food addiction and overeating. Also, "poor body image" and "falling for the fashion industry's body prototype" are serious issues that plague many women and should not be taken lightly...just like food addiction shouldn't. Many of the comments that women make that cause hurt for others are simply an indication that they have some sort of food issue of their own they are struggling with. I think it is important to remember that when we see someone who may look perfect to the outside world, they are just as likely to be struggling with food issues as anyone else. Like you said- these are diseases. Disorders and diseases associated with food don't always make people overweight (and therefore aren't always easy to spot). Disorders associated with food also rarely have anything to do with the persons actual outside appearance, so the "lucky" people who are thin and appear fit do not always see themselves the way others do. In fact, they can be just as tortured by food addiction and disease as people who are overweight and addicted to food. " Thank you for that much needed correction and insight

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Apologies I had an excellent comment on my post of 2 days ago. Although I did not mean to trivialize the difficulties of thinner people who struggle with food, it came off that way. People who are thin can also struggle with food obsession and addiction and are as desperate as those who show the disease outwardly. I'm putting the comment out here as today's post. It's said better than I could ever say it. "I would just like to add something to this posting. Being a certain weight does not always determine the severity of an eating disorder. "Skinny" or "normal weight" people (that may not be obviously struggling with food issues) may be dealing with food addiction/aversion issues far worse than their outward appearance shows. Bulimia, anorexia, and generalized disordered eating are unfortunately extremely common now, and these eating disorders cause serious health problems that can be fatal- just like food addiction and overeating. Also, "poor body image" and "falling for the fashion industry's body prototype" are serious issues that plague many women and should not be taken lightly...just like food addiction shouldn't. Many of the comments that women make that cause hurt for others are simply an indication that they have some sort of food issue of their own they are struggling with. I think it is important to remember that when we see someone who may look perfect to the outside world, they are just as likely to be struggling with food issues as anyone else. Like you said- these are diseases. Disorders and diseases associated with food don't always make people overweight (and therefore aren't always easy to spot). Disorders associated with food also rarely have anything to do with the persons actual outside appearance, so the "lucky" people who are thin and appear fit do not always see themselves the way others do. In fact, they can be just as tortured by food addiction and disease as people who are overweight and addicted to food. " Thank you for that much needed correction and insight

Monday, June 29, 2009 Trivia Lost between 15-20 lbs. Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food. Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out. Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein. Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight. Feel free to fart frequently

Monday, June 29, 2009 Trivia Lost between 15-20 lbs. Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food. Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out. Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein. Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight. Feel free to fart frequently

Sunday, June 28, 2009 Wow! Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time. I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!" No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health. So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like. Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting. You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves. And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever. Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others. Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems. Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.

Sunday, June 28, 2009 Wow! Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time. I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!" No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health. So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like. Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting. You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves. And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever. Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others. Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems. Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.

Saturday, June 27, 2009 Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is. Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food. Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not. Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest. In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD. For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate. This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it. Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.

Saturday, June 27, 2009 Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is. Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food. Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not. Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest. In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD. For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate. This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it. Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.

Hi! I'm a June 18th bandate too. I still have some restriction--particularly breakfast, and also if I just have meat. My stomach definitely does not take to overstuffing it with dry meat. Or with egg whites. Also, when I just eat protein, and follow the no-liquid protocol, I don't get hungry. I do sip 20 oz. of iced decaf latte (3/4 cup milk) with Splenda in the morning and again in the afternoon. I think the protein in the milk keeps me from getting hungry. If my meals are more liquidy then I definitely can get more down. Im not that fond of the snacks I have in the house (like sf ff choc. pudding or yoghurt so I don't overeat those. I'm more likely to grap a Propel. I do have a small can of V8 and I try to drink some diet V8 splash to help me get fruit and veggies. Real veggies with my meal tend to add liquid to the meat and I get more food in me. Don't know if that's good or bad. I wonder if the Dr. actually gave me a bit of a fill when he installed the band. I still have to stick to small swallows and bites and chew well or I can feel very uncomfortable.

The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace.

What a relief to know. Praying for you.

I've been blogging everynight to help me deal with both the food and all the issues that go with it. Emotional, spiritual, psychological, thinking issues. My goal is to be free of the food obsession. That includes diets. I'm ADHD and not capable of planning or keeping food plans. I think that's actually a gift. I got the surgery in order to let the band do the weighing and measuring for me. I checked out a new 12-step program on-line called Eating Disorders Anonymous. I really like their approach. I wrote about it in my blog last night and the night before. Here's the latest post from IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF Tuesday, July 7, 2009 Balance--Eat When You're Hungry, Stop When You're Full I love the internet. One of the sites I visited was the official homepage of a 12-step group called Eating Disorders Anonymous. I've copied some of their guidelines here because some of the 12-step programs and church programs for compulsive eaters have turned into highly restrictive, food plan obsessed, weight obsessed, rule obsessed places. I've made the comment that they have not freed themselves from food obsession at all. Having read more about anorexia and bulimia, I believe they've merely traded labels for their disorder. Even after lapband its still easy to stay stuck in that mentality. I see it in a lot of posts. Now, this program (EDA's)makes more sense to me. Our primary purpose is to recover from our eating disorders and to carry this message of recovery to others with eating disorders. In EDA, we try to focus on the solution, not the problem. Solutions have to do with recognizing life choices and making them responsibly. Diets and weight management techniques do not solve our thinking problems. EDA endorses sound nutrition and discourages any form of rigidity around food. ** Balance – not abstinence -- is our goal. ** In EDA, recovery means living without obsessing on food, weight and body image. In our eating disorders, we sometimes felt like helpless victims. Recovery means gaining or regaining the power to see our options, to make careful choices in our lives. Recovery means rebuilding trust with ourselves, a gradual process that requires much motivation and support. As we learn and practice careful self-honesty, self-care and self-expression, we gain authenticity, perspective, peace and empowerment. There are no EDA meetings near me but I would go if there were. Instead of abstinance (which you can't do anyway since we have to eat), the focus is balance. For anorexics and bulemics, diets and weight management techniques, rigidity around food, including rigid restrictions and food plans, are recognized as part of the disease, not a cure for them. For those of us with compulsive eating disorders who do not purge (except when in our dieting phase--the diet being the purge) lap band surgery is a tool we use to achieve balance. Once I get to my lap band fill I won't be restricted from any food, I'll just have to be careful with some that don't work well with the new tummy. The lap band will do the weighing and measuring for me leaving me free to not obsess over food. I would like to be able to occassionally have a treat without it triggering old unhealthy thinking (like guilt) and cravings that will lead me back into the food. I don't want my time being spent on food plans and obsessing over my next meal. In fact, with my ADHD, I'm pretty incapable of that anyway. Tonight I looked in the cabinet and decided I wanted salmon. There was no low-fat mayo which I'm not that fond of, but I saw some spinach dip, not low-fat but good fats. I mixed that in, put in some tomato and basil pesto, and chopped some green olives into it. I couldn't eat a whole lot of it because it was so filling, but it tasted great. My husband polished off what I couldn't eat, which was most of it. So, no food plan, no obsessing about supper, just look and see what's there that puts Protein first and make it taste good. I'm doing so well, I actually have to force myself to eat more between meals in order to get enough dairy, fruit, and veggies and even enough protein. I'm just not hungry. I have developed a bit of an internet obsession for exploring websites related to the disease, but that's because its summer and I'm not working. It's also related to my ADHD. I'll get passionately interested in a subject and fill my mind with all kinds of info about it, relay that info to people to whom it would solve a problem or be helpful, and then, eventually, my active interest fades. But this is a life-long problem, so I'll probably always keep abreast of the latest thinking on the subject-especially if its helpful to me. It's about balance and allowing the pendulum to swing back. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. All things in moderation was what Paul said in the New Testament. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.

Friday, June 26, 2009 Obsession Lurks I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating. Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love. Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle. So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian? I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps. 1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time

Friday, June 26, 2009 Obsession Lurks I thoroughly enjoyed eating chicken today at my grandson's birthday party. (I also thoroughly enjoyed the party and playing with my grandkids.) I was careful to chew each piece to mush before swallowing and to avoid drinking liquids for half an hour before and after. I also had a little hummus, which, like the refried beans I'm allowed to have, is fairly high protein. If I could have eaten more, I would. The taste was amazing and I enjoyed each bite. The temptation to keep eating, however slowly, however uncomfortable I was, was unbelievable. I was grateful for my new stomach which did the weighing and measuring for me, and for the knowledge that I'd be in pain and would throw up if I kept eating. Some of the food nazis I met in Overeater's Anonymous are convinced that sugar is behind food addiction. Sugar and carbs--particularly simple carbs. Shoot your blood sugar up and you shoot up your cravings. Eliminate all sugar from your diet and you'll eliminate the cravings. They search for carbs in everything they might eat like gold miners panning for gold. Well, I was doing pure protein with the chicken and I've been on high protein for a couple of weeks and my addiction was triggered by a non-carb. It was the taste, smell and sight of food I really love. Does it help to greatly reduce simple sugars? Sure. Does it eliminate the cravings? No. Only God can do that since they have not yet come up with a really effective medical solution, and it seems he prefers I continue to struggle. So the choice is: do I go through the struggle with him or without him? Do I allow the struggle to draw me closer to him and make me more dependant on him? Do I continue to be transparent and honest about this struggle in this blog or do I fudge over these issues and be a Polyanna Chrsitian? I learned to work a 12 step program in Alanon and OA and it always comes back to the first 3 steps. 1. Admitted I was powerless over (whatever your obsession may be) and its making my life unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one swallow at a time, one bite at a time

Thursday, June 25, 2009 Joy of Food Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad. Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized. Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking. I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat. Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.

Thursday, June 25, 2009 Joy of Food Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad. Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized. Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking. I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat. Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 Taking the Bad with the Good I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back. Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small. Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold. It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me. On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does. Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.