ifyourstomachoffendsyou

Sorry Darlene, that's a royal pain. I'm having my first fill Auguest 11. Hope my ports where it should be. Surgery will probably not be as extensive or difficult to recover from this time. Blessings. Cheri

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Dance More! I was watching Big Momma's House 2 today and just burst out laughing at the antics of Big Momma; Big Momma landing in the mud bath splashing mud all over the beautiful women in the spa; Big Momma running down the beach in her tight yellow swim suit; Big Momma teaching the kids to dance and swing their butts. Yes it was fake fat, but there was no shame, no hiding it, no refusal to participate in life because of the fat. Remember when Women's shows and magazine articles always promoted dark clothes for "full-figured" women in order to look slim? No bright colors, no horizontal stripes, no bold patterns. I remember a stong hint for me to not wear yellow on stage. Not only do many people prefer that we fade into the background, they also prefer that we not draw attention to ourselves in behavioral ways either. Exuberance draws attention to your fat. Many of us refuse to live like that. But we know people who do. People who won't go swimming in public, who girdle themselves to death trying to contain the uncontainable, who always wear black. Others of us won't let ourselves be so limited. In fact, I bounce around so much when I'm singing praise music (I've never been able to stand still if there's a beat) in church that I got an anonymous note from someone suggesting I go out and buy better foundational garments. Actually, that was the second note. The first note implied that with all my "jumping around back there and lifting my arms" I was keeping people from being able to see the other singers. I'm in a multicultural church and all the African-American women on my Gospel praise team just started laughing when I read them the notes. One told me to dance more. Obviously "Anonymous" was white and uptight. I love colors and textures and bold jewelry. I try to dress with flare and flattery. Other than winter pants, I only have a few items that are black. And I still "jump around" and clap and raise my arms when singing. My husband and I will go to fests to listen to various bands, and we're usually the first ones (and sometimes only ones) to get up and dance. We do the same at weddings and we usually don't even drink. We do a pretty good hustle. We're also the first ones on the floor for the electric or cha-cha slides. This is pretty amazing considering I come from a Dutch Christian Reformed church background. Some of them didn't even believe in dancing in wooden shoes. When those from my generation do dance, they tend to look like they're dancing in wooden shoes. Rythym is not their strong suite. Singing hymns in harmony is. Once I lose this weight, I want to dance more. Get some more lessons. I'm always physically in pain afterwards (and sometimes before) from my arthritis, but I save my Vicodin from my surgeries (which I hardly use) for dancing. God meant for life to be celebrated. I hope you dance--more!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Dance More! I was watching Big Momma's House 2 today and just burst out laughing at the antics of Big Momma; Big Momma landing in the mud bath splashing mud all over the beautiful women in the spa; Big Momma running down the beach in her tight yellow swim suit; Big Momma teaching the kids to dance and swing their butts. Yes it was fake fat, but there was no shame, no hiding it, no refusal to participate in life because of the fat. Remember when Women's shows and magazine articles always promoted dark clothes for "full-figured" women in order to look slim? No bright colors, no horizontal stripes, no bold patterns. I remember a stong hint for me to not wear yellow on stage. Not only do many people prefer that we fade into the background, they also prefer that we not draw attention to ourselves in behavioral ways either. Exuberance draws attention to your fat. Many of us refuse to live like that. But we know people who do. People who won't go swimming in public, who girdle themselves to death trying to contain the uncontainable, who always wear black. Others of us won't let ourselves be so limited. In fact, I bounce around so much when I'm singing praise music (I've never been able to stand still if there's a beat) in church that I got an anonymous note from someone suggesting I go out and buy better foundational garments. Actually, that was the second note. The first note implied that with all my "jumping around back there and lifting my arms" I was keeping people from being able to see the other singers. I'm in a multicultural church and all the African-American women on my Gospel praise team just started laughing when I read them the notes. One told me to dance more. Obviously "Anonymous" was white and uptight. I love colors and textures and bold jewelry. I try to dress with flare and flattery. Other than winter pants, I only have a few items that are black. And I still "jump around" and clap and raise my arms when singing. My husband and I will go to fests to listen to various bands, and we're usually the first ones (and sometimes only ones) to get up and dance. We do the same at weddings and we usually don't even drink. We do a pretty good hustle. We're also the first ones on the floor for the electric or cha-cha slides. This is pretty amazing considering I come from a Dutch Christian Reformed church background. Some of them didn't even believe in dancing in wooden shoes. When those from my generation do dance, they tend to look like they're dancing in wooden shoes. Rythym is not their strong suite. Singing hymns in harmony is. Once I lose this weight, I want to dance more. Get some more lessons. I'm always physically in pain afterwards (and sometimes before) from my arthritis, but I save my Vicodin from my surgeries (which I hardly use) for dancing. God meant for life to be celebrated. I hope you dance--more!

Great job! I'm having my first fill Aug. 11. I've finally lost the initial restriction and can tell that I could easily continue to eat. I've lost 27 lbs since before surgery which was June 18th. I can tell I'm now running on willpower till that fill. I don't want the weight back. I have to really agree with the info you shared. I had to work at loving myself the way I was but I had to also be very dissatisfied with the health problems and the fact that I kept gaining unless I was dieting, and I just couldn't diet anymore.

Thanks guys. I've been doing well with the food but for the next few weeks its going to be willpower

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 Everything I've Been Through I scheduled my first fill for August 11. I'm noticing hunger between meals the past few days. I'm also finding that I could keep eating when I'm done with my food, more food than I was able to choke down until the past week. So I went ahead and scheduled my fill. They'll only put in a little. See how I do. Put in a little more. See how I do, until I hit what people call "the sweet spot." At which point, as far as I can figure, things become easier. As long as I follow the basic food plan and the protocol for when to drink fluids, which I described in an earlier blog, hunger and the desire to eat both diminish greatly. Not everyone reaches that point. You can still eat around the band by drinking with your meals, you can eat things like ice cream which slide past the band, you can consistently make less than healthy food choices. Your results won't be as good. Weight loss surgery, no matter what kind, is just a tool. I have to keep doing the footwork. I'm finding a lot of support on-line on the Lap Band Surgery and Lap Band Discussion Forum. I'm hoping to find a non-shaming support group to help me deal with my food issues and gently hold me accountable. I plan to continue writing in this blog as various issues come up. Just the discipline of writing every night helps hold me accountable. I feel amazingly empty of feelings and thoughts tonight. I think I drained myself (temporarily)talking about shame and guilt, ADHD, and, especially, yesterday's post on codependency. That was a difficult post to write. I learned a lot about codependency and addiction in my years attending a 12-step program for people who have been impacted by someone else's addiction. Addiction is a family disease and not just the addict or alcoholic's problem. Food helped me cope, it helped me survive, but it, too, becomes an addiction. It's an unhealthy relationship that stabs you in the back. Codependency has to be dealt with in order to recover from food addiction. There's a song going through my head. We've been singing it in church fairly frequently. Lord I offer my life to you, Everything I've been through, Use it for your glory. Lord I offer my days to you, lifting my praise to you, As a pleasing sacrifice Lord I offer you my life. Amen.

If you like the Dr. and are confident he's competent the office staff and nurses can just go jump in the lake. Make a mental picture of that. You can get your own support group here on line and get your questions answered. Don't let a couple of mean people (who may just have been having a bad day) get in the way of you taking care of yourself.

IndioGirl, I, too, have for the most part gone where I wanted and done what I wanted until arthritis pain limited my activities. In fact, I bounce around so much when I'm singing praise music in church that I got an anonymous note from someone suggesting I go out and buy better foundational garments. Actually, that was the second note. The first note implied that with all my "jumping around back there and lifting my arms" I was keeping people from being able to see the other singers. I'm in a multicultural church and all the African-American women on my Gospel praise team just started laughing when I read them the notes. They told me to dance more.

Bugsbuni, I wish I knew what the problem is. Perhaps you've been posting before I joined. I do know that only you can make the decision. I prayed when faced with questioning my decision and waking up with a panic attack and I was led to a place of peace and confidence. I'd been questioning myself the whole year I was working on the process of jumping thru the hoops and getting approved. In the end it was an enormous relief to make the decision and get it done. I did some blogging on the subject on my blog at IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF especially towards the beginning of my blog which I started the week prior to surgery. Reading it might help you. Also on the home page there are so many forums to discuss concerns--there's a pre-op one. You're not the only one with doubts and questions. No one here will judge you whatever you decide. We've all been there.

Watching Big Momma's House 2. Big Momma just jumped in the mud bath and splashed mud on all the beautiful skinny women. Now she's on the beach running in her suit. Before she/he was dancing and teaching dancing to the kids. Granted it was fake fat, but the attitude was so great. No shame about the fat, having fun, letting the mud fall where its gonna fall. How many of us have given up ourselves and having fun in order to avoid exposing our size? I love the pictures that were posted by the incredible shrinking woman. Granted, as we lose the weight its going to be easier for us to do things, but we can start reclaiming ourselves and our sense of fun right now.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 Everything I've Been Through I scheduled my first fill for August 11. I'm noticing hunger between meals the past few days. I'm also finding that I could keep eating when I'm done with my food, more food than I was able to choke down until the past week. So I went ahead and scheduled my fill. They'll only put in a little. See how I do. Put in a little more. See how I do, until I hit what people call "the sweet spot." At which point, as far as I can figure, things become easier. As long as I follow the basic food plan and the protocol for when to drink fluids, which I described in an earlier blog, hunger and the desire to eat both diminish greatly. Not everyone reaches that point. You can still eat around the band by drinking with your meals, you can eat things like ice cream which slide past the band, you can consistently make less than healthy food choices. Your results won't be as good. Weight loss surgery, no matter what kind, is just a tool. I have to keep doing the footwork. I'm finding a lot of support on-line on the Lap Band Surgery and Lap Band Discussion Forum. I'm hoping to find a non-shaming support group to help me deal with my food issues and gently hold me accountable. I plan to continue writing in this blog as various issues come up. Just the discipline of writing every night helps hold me accountable. I feel amazingly empty of feelings and thoughts tonight. I think I drained myself (temporarily)talking about shame and guilt, ADHD, and, especially, yesterday's post on codependency. That was a difficult post to write. I learned a lot about codependency and addiction in my years attending a 12-step program for people who have been impacted by someone else's addiction. Addiction is a family disease and not just the addict or alcoholic's problem. Food helped me cope, it helped me survive, but it, too, becomes an addiction. It's an unhealthy relationship that stabs you in the back. Codependency has to be dealt with in order to recover from food addiction. There's a song going through my head. We've been singing it in church fairly frequently. Lord I offer my life to you, Everything I've been through, Use it for your glory. Lord I offer my days to you, lifting my praise to you, As a pleasing sacrifice Lord I offer you my life. Amen.

Haven't we all?

Monday, July 13, 2009 That Way Lies Death We are all codependents. If we aren't then we're probably sociopaths. Some are drill sergeant codependents, ordering everyone around for what we think is their own good. Others are helicopters, hovering over people, trying to keep them happy. Both believe that what they're doing is for other people's own good. Both are controlling, and both styles prevent other people from learning life lessons they need to learn. Both do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Both end up being resented. Some people alternate between both styles. The style that is most associated with eating disorders and food addiction is the people-pleasing, keep the peace at whatever cost, submit to the controlling person, negate yourself, take care of others at the expense of yourself style of codependency. The fact is that nobody else can control what or whether or not you eat. Parents of young children soon find this out with their toddlers. People may binge on food to keep from feeling or to medicate the depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, suppressed anger, etc., or they refuse to eat at all in an attempt to regain some form of control in their lives. Nobody can make me eat, and nobody can stop me from eating. For women especially, Christianity compounds the issue because it gets justified Biblically. Blessed are the peacemakers, submit to your husbands, in humilty each consider the other better than himself. I'm not going to get into the twisting of the Bible that has led to this form of codependent mentality, but I am going to say the the Bible Belt has some of the largest concentration of women suffering from depression as well as women suffering from obesity. Being raised in a family affected by substance abuse also contributes to codependency. So does physical and sexual abuse. Even the constant badgering by someone determined to control the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions of those around him/her is a form of abuse that creates codepedency. Its emotional, spiritual, and mental battering. How do we counteract these influences when they were so much a part of the way we were raised? It doesn't happen overnight. I can remember a rough time in my life when everyday as I would walk around the neighborhood I would chant, "I am somebody, I am worthwhile, I am somebody, I am God's child." I journaled, I expressed myself through poetry and art. I wrote letters to God in which I poured out my feelings of despair and anger. I attended 12-step programs for codependents. I went on medication for depression. I got counseling. I got a job. I started doing things that made me feel good, that I was good at. I got many change back messages from my family and sometimes I was not nice in the way I broke off some of my codependent behavior. I still struggle with codependency. I am one of those who can alternate between the people-pleasing form of codependency and its frequent recourse to manipulation, passive-agressive behavior, and avoidance of any form of confrontation, and trying to control the situation by giving lots of advice. When I'm really feeling powerless in the face of someone else's attempts to control me, or treat me like I'm dumb and don't know what I'm talking about, I have been known to yell. And I eat. I don't think its any coincidence that the times I was successful in getting off the weight, I felt in control of my own life. Everytime I gained it back, with interest, I felt like I had given up my control in order to please someone else, that I was avoiding needed confrontation about behaviors that were jeapordizing me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. That I wasn't taking care of myself in these ways. I am far from having it all together. I think the times I've resorted to yelling have been times when the pain of suppressing my feelings and thoughts was so great I've had to vent some of the steam before I could channel it and use it to say and do what really needed to be said and done. I know this, God did not design me to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. And I'm not doing those who would try this any favors by letting them get away with it. Hopefully, I'll find balance and appropriateness in the way I express myself. But I need to express myself and not ignore the feelings or stuff them. That way lies death.

Julie, what an experience. You have a lot of medical issues. May God bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you, and give you his peace.

Monday, July 13, 2009 That Way Lies Death We are all codependents. If we aren't then we're probably sociopaths. Some are drill sergeant codependents, ordering everyone around for what we think is their own good. Others are helicopters, hovering over people, trying to keep them happy. Both believe that what they're doing is for other people's own good. Both are controlling, and both styles prevent other people from learning life lessons they need to learn. Both do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Both end up being resented. Some people alternate between both styles. The style that is most associated with eating disorders and food addiction is the people-pleasing, keep the peace at whatever cost, submit to the controlling person, negate yourself, take care of others at the expense of yourself style of codependency. The fact is that nobody else can control what or whether or not you eat. Parents of young children soon find this out with their toddlers. People may binge on food to keep from feeling or to medicate the depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, suppressed anger, etc., or they refuse to eat at all in an attempt to regain some form of control in their lives. Nobody can make me eat, and nobody can stop me from eating. For women especially, Christianity compounds the issue because it gets justified Biblically. Blessed are the peacemakers, submit to your husbands, in humilty each consider the other better than himself. I'm not going to get into the twisting of the Bible that has led to this form of codependent mentality, but I am going to say the the Bible Belt has some of the largest concentration of women suffering from depression as well as women suffering from obesity. Being raised in a family affected by substance abuse also contributes to codependency. So does physical and sexual abuse. Even the constant badgering by someone determined to control the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions of those around him/her is a form of abuse that creates codepedency. Its emotional, spiritual, and mental battering. How do we counteract these influences when they were so much a part of the way we were raised? It doesn't happen overnight. I can remember a rough time in my life when everyday as I would walk around the neighborhood I would chant, "I am somebody, I am worthwhile, I am somebody, I am God's child." I journaled, I expressed myself through poetry and art. I wrote letters to God in which I poured out my feelings of despair and anger. I attended 12-step programs for codependents. I went on medication for depression. I got counseling. I got a job. I started doing things that made me feel good, that I was good at. I got many change back messages from my family and sometimes I was not nice in the way I broke off some of my codependent behavior. I still struggle with codependency. I am one of those who can alternate between the people-pleasing form of codependency and its frequent recourse to manipulation, passive-agressive behavior, and avoidance of any form of confrontation, and trying to control the situation by giving lots of advice. When I'm really feeling powerless in the face of someone else's attempts to control me, or treat me like I'm dumb and don't know what I'm talking about, I have been known to yell. And I eat. I don't think its any coincidence that the times I was successful in getting off the weight, I felt in control of my own life. Everytime I gained it back, with interest, I felt like I had given up my control in order to please someone else, that I was avoiding needed confrontation about behaviors that were jeapordizing me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. That I wasn't taking care of myself in these ways. I am far from having it all together. I think the times I've resorted to yelling have been times when the pain of suppressing my feelings and thoughts was so great I've had to vent some of the steam before I could channel it and use it to say and do what really needed to be said and done. I know this, God did not design me to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. And I'm not doing those who would try this any favors by letting them get away with it. Hopefully, I'll find balance and appropriateness in the way I express myself. But I need to express myself and not ignore the feelings or stuff them. That way lies death.

Sunday, July 12, 2009 Small Victories My tummy is no longer sticking out farther than my boobs. That's when I stand straight and look down. I can now see my feet when I'm walking without craining my neck--not yet when I'm standing straight, but when I'm walking. When I'm sleeping I can shift my body without having to wake up to do it. I'm in my "skinny" fat clothes. I was developing sleep apnea. I'm no longer snorting myself awake. I can cross my knees. On the Dr.'s charts I'm no longer obese, I'm overweight. And that motorcyclist today was definitely checking me out. Victories are marked in many ways. Officially I've lost 24 lbs. since I began this journey, as much as carrying my 1 yr. old grandchild. I think about what that means for my lower back and my knees. I had developed a kind of waddle where I sort of rocked from side to side as I walked, especially when I first stood up. I was hoping my fake knees would last 15-20 years before needing replacement but they were starting to bother me. They're already doing better. The other day I sat on the side of a foot high sandbox in order to make sand castles with my grandkids. I was able to stand straight up from that position. That's a pretty low crouch for a 5'9" woman with fake knees. Little things. Things thinner people take for granted. Why do some people think we would wantonly and willingly give up these things in order to gorge ourselves on food? We lost them little by little, inch by inch, mouthful by mouthful. We battle food on a daily basis. We battle for our lives on a daily basis--sometimes each minute of every day. Some battles we win, some we lose. I'm winning these little battles right now. My lap band and my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, are helping. I'm going to celebrate each victory. My stomach only sticks out as far as my boobs. Hallelujah!

Sunday, July 12, 2009 Small Victories My tummy is no longer sticking out farther than my boobs. That's when I stand straight and look down. I can now see my feet when I'm walking without craining my neck--not yet when I'm standing straight, but when I'm walking. When I'm sleeping I can shift my body without having to wake up to do it. I'm in my "skinny" fat clothes. I was developing sleep apnea. I'm no longer snorting myself awake. I can cross my knees. On the Dr.'s charts I'm no longer obese, I'm overweight. And that motorcyclist today was definitely checking me out. Victories are marked in many ways. Officially I've lost 24 lbs. since I began this journey, as much as carrying my 1 yr. old grandchild. I think about what that means for my lower back and my knees. I had developed a kind of waddle where I sort of rocked from side to side as I walked, especially when I first stood up. I was hoping my fake knees would last 15-20 years before needing replacement but they were starting to bother me. They're already doing better. The other day I sat on the side of a foot high sandbox in order to make sand castles with my grandkids. I was able to stand straight up from that position. That's a pretty low crouch for a 5'9" woman with fake knees. Little things. Things thinner people take for granted. Why do some people think we would wantonly and willingly give up these things in order to gorge ourselves on food? We lost them little by little, inch by inch, mouthful by mouthful. We battle food on a daily basis. We battle for our lives on a daily basis--sometimes each minute of every day. Some battles we win, some we lose. I'm winning these little battles right now. My lap band and my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, are helping. I'm going to celebrate each victory. My stomach only sticks out as far as my boobs. Hallelujah!

My nutritionist told me to take calcium as well as a regular vitamin with iron in order to prevent that from happening. I started out with chewables but can swallow regular pills now.

You are giving up your relationship with your best friend. But as someone else said, "She's a back-stabbing beotch." Nevertheless it's quite normal to grieve the loss of that friend, even if it was an abusive relationship. Use this time of adjusting to the band to work on your other issues--the ones that helped get you into that relationship in the first place, or that helped keep you there and are calling you back. That's what I'm doing in my blog: IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF Keep posting and reading others posts. Start your own blog. You are not alone.

Saturday, July 11, 2009 Evidence of God's Sense of Humor--ADHD The connection between ADHD and compulsive eating is something I've been noticing in myself for some time. I've never actually read a study directly connecting them, but ADHD in women is known to cause depression and low self-esteem since it often affects our ability to keep up with things that are automatically expected of women--like neat, clean houses, organized schedules (for the whole family), doing all the shopping, following recipes, etc. We spend a lot of time trying to be good at things we're not good at, and trying to fit the mold (which nobody really does-but we don't even come close.) Eating has always helped me concentrate and focus and sit still. Maybe there is a study out there that shows a relationship. I found one article that mentioned it but I mislaid it. LOL. One of the strongest markers of ADHD in women is disorganization and an inability to stay on task. (Although some people actually overcompensate and become rigidly organized because otherwise the world is too overwhelming.) ADHD people tend to be more right-brained and creative. I read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Effective People 2 or 3 times, attended training in 7 Habits of Effective Organizations, andhad a Covey/Franklin Dayplanner, which I was continually searching for and forgetting to write stuff in. I can tell you what people need to do to act organized and I can fool people into thinking that I am organized (temporarily) but it didn't change the way I was made. I make lists and lose them. I go to the store with a list, check things off, and still come home without something on the list. I don't do recipes with more than 3 ingredients. I cook by the seat of my pants. I've come up with many compensating techniques that have helped me survive. Food, especially chocolate, is one of them. Chocolate, of course, is full of caffeine. People with ADHD frequently self-medicate with caffeine. They are also more prone to self-medicate with alcohol, tobacco, and certain drugs. So why shouldn't food be one of the "drugs?" Chocolate is also known to produce seratonin in the brain and therefore is a natural antidepressant. Like we need one more excuse to eat it. But food and chocolate helped me survive. I think I should be grateful for them even though I now have to move past them. The high protein low carb nature of the food recommedations for bandsters works very well with my ADHD. I'm supposed to pick protein first and then veggies and fruit and if there's still room I can have a little bit of of carbs like potatoes, noodles, rice, etc. I keep Atkins high protein shakes on hand if I don't feel like cooking or if I feel like my stomach really doesn't want solid protein right now which, first thing in the morning, it tends to reject. My stomach definitely does the weighing and measuring for me on the protein, especially if I don't drink for 30 minutes before, or during, or for 30 minutes after the meal. I am quickly full and have little room for anything else. I put a variety of proteins in my home so I don't get bored with my food choices. I'm not a huge veggie and fruit eater but I have V8 and diet V8 Splash as part of my 64 oz of liquid and I get my dairy in my two 20 oz. iced decaf lattes with 1% milk and Splenda. I sip one all morning and one all afternoon, and the milk seems to keep me from getting hungry. I have a very skinny straw that only allows me to sip, so I'm not gulping my liquids or finishing them fast. I have sugar free low-fat pudding snacks for at night if I'm hungry, and low-fat Mexican cheeze to make the proteins taste better. These help toward my dairy, too. I don't make potatoes, rice, or noodles and so am not tempted. If I'm eating somewhere other than at home I may allow myself a little--after I've eaten protein. I may try a taste of this or that treat at a party, just to not feel deprived but then I go into another room away from the food and stay there. This is actually a pretty simple diet. It doesn't involve any planning or writing down my food. It doesn't involve weighing or measuring portions. It works with my ADHD instead of against it and I'm not walking around feeling guilty for not being able to do all those other techniques just like I was not able to use a planner. I'm walking at least 45 minutes a day which helps control my ADHD as well as my appetite. At night I write my blog which is really helping me to not eat at a time when I used to eat treats non-stop. It's also helping me to explore the reasons I eat. Putting it down on paper is really helping me deal with and eliminate the cravings. Writing has always been a way to get what's stuck inside me, ideas, feelings, etc. out where I can deal with them. I've said before that ideas flow out my fingers like confetti when I'm composing. Its like my creative, feeling, flight of ideas right brain cooperates instead of fights with my language centered, logical left brain to create amazingly (to me) well-written organized articles. I'm learning to love this crazy complex lady who alternates between being a ditz and being competent, sticking my foot in my mouth and moving people to tears, letting myself be controlled by other people and overcontrolling others, hubris and self-contempt. It is so amazing that God loves me, that he gave me the the gift of ADHD with all its attendant problems and joys. He also gives me the tools to survive and even thrive. ADHD people are frequently huge brainstormers and creative problem solvers. We are the best solvers of the problems our ADHD creates. Such irony. God has a sense of humor.

Saturday, July 11, 2009 Evidence of God's Sense of Humor--ADHD The connection between ADHD and compulsive eating is something I've been noticing in myself for some time. I've never actually read a study directly connecting them, but ADHD in women is known to cause depression and low self-esteem since it often affects our ability to keep up with things that are automatically expected of women--like neat, clean houses, organized schedules (for the whole family), doing all the shopping, following recipes, etc. We spend a lot of time trying to be good at things we're not good at, and trying to fit the mold (which nobody really does-but we don't even come close.) Eating has always helped me concentrate and focus and sit still. Maybe there is a study out there that shows a relationship. I found one article that mentioned it but I mislaid it. LOL. One of the strongest markers of ADHD in women is disorganization and an inability to stay on task. (Although some people actually overcompensate and become rigidly organized because otherwise the world is too overwhelming.) ADHD people tend to be more right-brained and creative. I read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Effective People 2 or 3 times, attended training in 7 Habits of Effective Organizations, andhad a Covey/Franklin Dayplanner, which I was continually searching for and forgetting to write stuff in. I can tell you what people need to do to act organized and I can fool people into thinking that I am organized (temporarily) but it didn't change the way I was made. I make lists and lose them. I go to the store with a list, check things off, and still come home without something on the list. I don't do recipes with more than 3 ingredients. I cook by the seat of my pants. I've come up with many compensating techniques that have helped me survive. Food, especially chocolate, is one of them. Chocolate, of course, is full of caffeine. People with ADHD frequently self-medicate with caffeine. They are also more prone to self-medicate with alcohol, tobacco, and certain drugs. So why shouldn't food be one of the "drugs?" Chocolate is also known to produce seratonin in the brain and therefore is a natural antidepressant. Like we need one more excuse to eat it. But food and chocolate helped me survive. I think I should be grateful for them even though I now have to move past them. The high protein low carb nature of the food recommedations for bandsters works very well with my ADHD. I'm supposed to pick protein first and then veggies and fruit and if there's still room I can have a little bit of of carbs like potatoes, noodles, rice, etc. I keep Atkins high protein shakes on hand if I don't feel like cooking or if I feel like my stomach really doesn't want solid protein right now which, first thing in the morning, it tends to reject. My stomach definitely does the weighing and measuring for me on the protein, especially if I don't drink for 30 minutes before, or during, or for 30 minutes after the meal. I am quickly full and have little room for anything else. I put a variety of proteins in my home so I don't get bored with my food choices. I'm not a huge veggie and fruit eater but I have V8 and diet V8 Splash as part of my 64 oz of liquid and I get my dairy in my two 20 oz. iced decaf lattes with 1% milk and Splenda. I sip one all morning and one all afternoon, and the milk seems to keep me from getting hungry. I have a very skinny straw that only allows me to sip, so I'm not gulping my liquids or finishing them fast. I have sugar free low-fat pudding snacks for at night if I'm hungry, and low-fat Mexican cheeze to make the proteins taste better. These help toward my dairy, too. I don't make potatoes, rice, or noodles and so am not tempted. If I'm eating somewhere other than at home I may allow myself a little--after I've eaten protein. I may try a taste of this or that treat at a party, just to not feel deprived but then I go into another room away from the food and stay there. This is actually a pretty simple diet. It doesn't involve any planning or writing down my food. It doesn't involve weighing or measuring portions. It works with my ADHD instead of against it and I'm not walking around feeling guilty for not being able to do all those other techniques just like I was not able to use a planner. I'm walking at least 45 minutes a day which helps control my ADHD as well as my appetite. At night I write my blog which is really helping me to not eat at a time when I used to eat treats non-stop. It's also helping me to explore the reasons I eat. Putting it down on paper is really helping me deal with and eliminate the cravings. Writing has always been a way to get what's stuck inside me, ideas, feelings, etc. out where I can deal with them. I've said before that ideas flow out my fingers like confetti when I'm composing. Its like my creative, feeling, flight of ideas right brain cooperates instead of fights with my language centered, logical left brain to create amazingly (to me) well-written organized articles. I'm learning to love this crazy complex lady who alternates between being a ditz and being competent, sticking my foot in my mouth and moving people to tears, letting myself be controlled by other people and overcontrolling others, hubris and self-contempt. It is so amazing that God loves me, that he gave me the the gift of ADHD with all its attendant problems and joys. He also gives me the tools to survive and even thrive. ADHD people are frequently huge brainstormers and creative problem solvers. We are the best solvers of the problems our ADHD creates. Such irony. God has a sense of humor.

Friday, July 10, 2009 Cheri and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Let's just summarize the day this way. My mom broke her patella (knee cap) in a fall yesterday (actually 2 days ago. I just looked at the clock) while she was with me, but we didn't know it at first because she could walk, so did not take her immediately to the hospital and went home instead. My dad and I got into a control contest and ended up yelling at each other. Not my best moment or his either. In addition my car needs major work and we're deciding what we can actually afford to do: repair it for more than its worth, buy a used car with just as many miles and pay twice the repair cost of my car, buy a more recent used car with less miles and double that price, or buy a new car and double it again. We may even choose to drop to one car since I'm the only one holding down a job in this economy. My husband was forced to take early retirement. Meanwhile, we're getting estimates and putting together a game plan for just about gutting our finished basement to get rid of the mold and fixing the water problem with permaseal. The smell downstairs is awful. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I'm aware that I'm going to once again have to deal with issues that go back more than half a century and that I have no doubt have contributed to my eating disorder. I have some real unresolved anger issues I need to work through. The good news is, I'm going through all this without overeating. I may actually be feeling and reacting more viscerally than usual because I'm not numbing the feelings with food. I haven't been this hopping mad in a long time. It could be worse. My sister lost her job yesterday, and her husband has run out of unemployment from his job loss. They still have three young children at home. So where is God in all this? I remember when I was going through a divorce and I would hear well-meaning people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, I don't believe God is the source of the evil things that happen in this world. Secondly, I know I didn't handle all the crap that went on at that time. I couldn't even fathom it all. But I never felt so loved and cared for or had such a sense of trust that I would be provided for--and I was. I tell people that I've changed that horrible saying to, "God doesn't allow more to happen to you than what he can handle." Because I didn't handle that bad time at all. He did. One thing I know I did at that time was to totally let go and let God. I didn't have the mental, psychological, or financial resources to deal with anything. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. God took care of everything. And maybe that's where I need to be right now. I do believe in doing the footwork and letting God take care of the results. But lately I haven't even known what footwork I should be doing, especially with the basement and the car. We've been hit with one expense after the other and increasingly less income to pay for them. So, although I'm not going to stop doing the footwork, I am going to really have to let go and let God. I need to totally trust him with the results. I need to thank him everyday for the food on my table (and my newfound ability to not stuff myself with it), for the roof over my head (even though it leaks), for the clothes on my back (even though they're starting to fall off me) and the shoes on my feet (which other than my flip-flops are pretty much reduced to a black pair of tennis shoes which look really funny with my summer capris.) God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

Friday, July 10, 2009 Cheri and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Let's just summarize the day this way. My mom broke her patella (knee cap) in a fall yesterday (actually 2 days ago. I just looked at the clock) while she was with me, but we didn't know it at first because she could walk, so did not take her immediately to the hospital and went home instead. My dad and I got into a control contest and ended up yelling at each other. Not my best moment or his either. In addition my car needs major work and we're deciding what we can actually afford to do: repair it for more than its worth, buy a used car with just as many miles and pay twice the repair cost of my car, buy a more recent used car with less miles and double that price, or buy a new car and double it again. We may even choose to drop to one car since I'm the only one holding down a job in this economy. My husband was forced to take early retirement. Meanwhile, we're getting estimates and putting together a game plan for just about gutting our finished basement to get rid of the mold and fixing the water problem with permaseal. The smell downstairs is awful. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I'm aware that I'm going to once again have to deal with issues that go back more than half a century and that I have no doubt have contributed to my eating disorder. I have some real unresolved anger issues I need to work through. The good news is, I'm going through all this without overeating. I may actually be feeling and reacting more viscerally than usual because I'm not numbing the feelings with food. I haven't been this hopping mad in a long time. It could be worse. My sister lost her job yesterday, and her husband has run out of unemployment from his job loss. They still have three young children at home. So where is God in all this? I remember when I was going through a divorce and I would hear well-meaning people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, I don't believe God is the source of the evil things that happen in this world. Secondly, I know I didn't handle all the crap that went on at that time. I couldn't even fathom it all. But I never felt so loved and cared for or had such a sense of trust that I would be provided for--and I was. I tell people that I've changed that horrible saying to, "God doesn't allow more to happen to you than what he can handle." Because I didn't handle that bad time at all. He did. One thing I know I did at that time was to totally let go and let God. I didn't have the mental, psychological, or financial resources to deal with anything. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. God took care of everything. And maybe that's where I need to be right now. I do believe in doing the footwork and letting God take care of the results. But lately I haven't even known what footwork I should be doing, especially with the basement and the car. We've been hit with one expense after the other and increasingly less income to pay for them. So, although I'm not going to stop doing the footwork, I am going to really have to let go and let God. I need to totally trust him with the results. I need to thank him everyday for the food on my table (and my newfound ability to not stuff myself with it), for the roof over my head (even though it leaks), for the clothes on my back (even though they're starting to fall off me) and the shoes on my feet (which other than my flip-flops are pretty much reduced to a black pair of tennis shoes which look really funny with my summer capris.) God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

My Dr. also has me not drinking for 30 minutes before I eat. But Protein really fills me up fast and makes me uncomfortable. Today, as soon as I felt that feeling like pain was coming, I put my food aside and ate a little more 10 minutes later. Yesterday, I actually did "prime the pump" a little and continued to take a few tiny sips to avoid the pain. shakes are a really good idea. At least I know I'm getting enough protein. Especially for Breakfast when I seem to have the most restriction. I like the Atkins shakes. 15g protein. Are you drinking plenty of fluids in between meals?

I was told by my nutritionist that bread and pasta do swell when they get wet and they can stretch the new pouch at first. Once the pouch is settled and adhesions have formed its OK. But they still recommended that protein come first then add a little starch. Once you're on solid proteins and are getting veggies and fruit (except for celery and carrots which are too fibrous), then if you're experiencing hunger and your meals aren't lasting, then add the higher fiber carbs. Protein is so important for healing and for getting the most important nutrients while you're losing weight that it has to come first and make up the majority of your diet. If you don't get enough you will lose muscle instead of fat.