ifyourstomachoffendsyou

June 18, 2009!

Thanks. I just reread it and thought, "I think I had a lot of help from God on this one."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 Creating Intimacy Intimacy. I was at a concert tonight where Derrell Evans (the singer/songwriter who wrote Trading My Sorrows) performed at my church. He spoke and sang about intimacy--how God desires intimacy with us. I spoke in an earlier blog about how everyone wants to be known. We want someone to know us with the layers peeled away--the real us. That's intimacy. That's something we compulsive overeaters are not very good at. There are those in the field of psychiatry who have speculated that we surround ourselves with layers of fat in order to protect ourselves from intimacy--especially those who've been abused. Don't know if that's true, but I do think that food, like any addiction, can make real intimacy difficult. We do our best to keep the secret of how deep that addiction runs. There's a saying in recovery groups: We are only as sick as our secrets. How can another person truly know us if they don't know our addiction? How can we fully contribute to a relationship when so much time is spent protecting our secret? I've heard people confess that they go from one fast food place to another ordering food at several places so that the order takers won't catch on that they're ordering so much food just for themselves. Others tell how they buy food and eat in their cars so their families won't know how much they're eating. Bulimia, whether using laxatives, throwing up, or excercise, is a way of hiding the compulsive overeating by not layering with fat. I have it on good authority that pizza is the hardest and worst food to throw up, while ice cream is the best because it tastes the same coming up as going down. One girl kept a bucket in her closet for throwing up so her family wouldn't suspect anything the way they would if she threw up in the toilet. We are all so good at hiding and stashing and sneaking food. Combine secrets with low self-esteem and you've got a perfect recipe for getting involved with emotionally unavailable and even abusive people. Compulsive overeaters frequently stay in bad relationships because they don't believe anyone else would want to be with them. They're with people who are no more capable of receiving intimacy than we are of giving it. So, yes, we have issues with intimacy. The rules in any dysfunctional family or relationship are: Don't talk(tell); Don't trust; and Don't feel. Keep the secret, trust no one with the peeled away version of yourself; and numb yourself (with the substance of your choice) so you don't have to feel. So, how do we break the pattern of avoiding intimacy that we experience with God, with significant others, and with friends? In fact, food and other drugs put us in such a dissociative state that we may not even know, or experience intimacy, with ourselves. First of all, I think God himself breaks through those barriers through the power of his Spirit and the sacrifice of his Son. We have to believe that and receive it. Nevertheless, we are going to have to accept help from other people--a 12 step sponsor and often a trained professional counselor--and possibly anti-depressants to help us get started on breaking the cycle. God generally works through human hands. The counselor and/or a 12 step sponsor may be the first person we genuinely experience intimacy with as we begin to tell our secrets. We may find other safe people to practice intimacy with (like in 12 step groups) before we're able to share with those closest to us. And family are not always the safest recipients of our secrets. If they are not willing to work on their own intimacy issues, they may be people to whom we only go so far in revealing ourselves. Working the steps takes us through the steps of intimacy. Taking our own moral inventory, sharing it with God and another human being, asking God to remove our defects of character, making amends to others, promptly admitting when we're wrong, sharing our recovery with others, passing it on, are all ways of learning intimacy. Writing is a great way to learn intimacy. To peel away layers and share what's underneath. God already knows us, but like Adam and Eve we hide from him, too full of shame to walk in intimacy with him in the garden. He wants nothing more than to lavish us with love with arms opened wide. Go ahead. Fall into his arms. Let him peel away the layers. Nothing revealed will repell him. Ask him to put people in your life with whom you can experience intimacy. They may or may not be in a church. Not all church people are safe. But you can experience intimacy with God, with yourself, and with other human beings. It won't happen overnight. But full recovery from the effects of addiction requires learning intimacy. "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. For his mercy endureth forever."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 Saboteur-Perfectionism Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long. I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it. There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction. I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy. One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI. Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny. Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.

Sarah, the Lord bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you. Keep your hand in his. May your surgery go well on Tues. Lucky Dog, thanks for reading my blog.

Laura, How's your dad? Meredith, Have you considered that the food you were eating before passed through you very quickly, often before it even got to your intestines? You've started eating food that takes longer to digest. Your intestines are filling up again--which is the way God meant for them to be. But your body fat weight loss is the same. Remember also that muscle weighs more than fat. In addition you lose and gain Water easily. Real food has varying salt content, and, of course, PMS is notorious for causing water retention. Janet is right. Vary the amount of your calories. It keeps your metabolism from getting stuck. I'm ADHD and can't keep track of anything. You're OCD and and keep too close a track of everything. I have to make weighing part of my morning routine everyday or I'd forget to do it. You, on the other hand, may be better off weighing on the same morning once a week. You don't want your perfectionism to sabotage your recovery. Discouragement and beating yourself up can lead back to overeating.

Thursday, July 30, 2009 Why'd I Get Lapband? I thought I'd talk about and show you some of the reasons why I went for lap band surgery. Obviously my health was the chief reason. I have the trifecta--high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. Not to mention osteo-arthritis that's exacerbated by the weight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to make a meal of drugs. I also have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grown stepchildren, and 7 grandchildren. They love me. I love them. I want to be able to take care of my grandchildren, keep up with them, play with them, pick them up and hug them, and take them places. That was getting hard to do. With 29 lbs. lost I'm already having a lot more fun with them. I love to garden--flowers. It had become very painful and I had to go very slowly with the never-ending weeding. Artificial knees make it very difficult for me to kneel or squat for any length of time or to sit or lay down on the grass to weed. The weight made it even harder. My weight made it difficult to bend over or use a shovel. I would get breathless. I did some extended weeding and clipping yesterday and got done quickly and experienced no pain during or afterwards. I love getting out and walking, going to fests and listening to music, singing in choir and on praise teams. Standing for any length of time was becoming more and more difficult. Walking also put me in pain. I walk over an hour now each day. The other day my husband and I went to downtown Chicago where we walked miles up and down Michigan Ave., all over Millenium Park and across to Daley Plaza and back. We walked from the Buckingham Fountain along the lakefront all the way to Navy Pier and all the way down the pier and back. I was also finding it difficult to work. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the south side of Chicaco. I teach groups ranging from 8-12 students for 8 or 9 periods a day. I have the students with academic and frequently behavioral issue. I already struggle with high blood pressure and believe me there were times I could feel it go up. The kids would say, "Mrs. Flory you're turning red." I'd stiffen so much when I'd sit for any length of time. Getting up to go to the board or to fetch materials was painful. Standing and teaching could only be done for short periods of time. Bending over students for any length of time was difficult. I work in an old building with no handicapped accomodations and lots of stairs. I really began to wonder how much longer I could continue teaching. I'm only 57 and can't afford early retirement and was beginning to believe I'd have to go on disability. Let me show you one of the reasons why I don't want to do that. I'm including a link to a video of a student of mine named Arthur. Arthur has an incredible story to tell. I'm an integral part of his story because I taught him to read and do math. You'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him for the video though you won't hear me. I got my lap band in part because I didn't want to give up making a difference in children's lives. Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/. I felt like I was sacrificing my life in order to keep teaching. Hopefully, with the weight off, teaching will be much easier on me physically, and with more physical strength it should be mentally and emotionally less draining as well. In fact, I expect to experience a lot more joy while teaching. Constant pain robs you of joy. Joy should be effortless and should float like a ballon. When you're heavy, you are weighed down and joy becomes an effort. I want effortless, effervescent joy. I want all barriers removed between myself and people and between myself and God. Food and fat are barriers to intimacy (see my last post.) I want to have fun and relax and enjoy myself around people without food getting in the way. I want to enjoy fellowship with God. I want to be by myself with him without being distracted by needing to go get something to eat, or by having to be chewing on something in order to concentrate on him. Today I went out for lunch with a friend. We sat and talked and laughed for a long time. We shared about our lives. I ate half a spinach & chicken salad and took half home. It was enough. I set the extra to the side and forgot about it. It was a healthy choice. It was delicious and I enjoyed it. But it didn't get between me and my friend. These are the reasons I got a lapband.

Thanks Julie. The way I was going I was going to end up retiring early from a job where I could really make a difference. This is part of the reason I went for the lap band.

Hey guys, just wanted you to see this video of a student I taught who has an incredible story. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the South Side of CHicago. I taught Arthur how to read and do math. You can see me teaching him on the video. I helped interview him but you can't hear my voice. This is part of the reason I had lap band surgery. I didn't want to have to retire early from teaching at a job I find so meaningful. Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 Saboteur-Perfectionism Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long. I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it. There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction. I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy. One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI. Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny. Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.

Hey guys, this is a video of a student of mine. He has an incredible story to tell and I was part of it. I taught him to read and do math and you'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him but you won't hear my voice. This is part of why I got the lap band. I didn't want to have to retire early from a job where I can make this kind of a difference. I teach at-risk children on the South Side of Chicago. Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/

Hey guys, I thought I'd let you guys see a little of what I accomplish with God's help as a teacher of at-risk students on the South side of Chicago. This is a video of one of my students who has an incredible story. I taught him to read and do math and you'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him but you won't hear his voice. One of the reasons I had the lap band was so I wouldn't have to retire early from a job where I can make this kind of a difference. Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/

Hey guys, I thought I'd post a video of one of my students who graduated this year. He has an incredible story and I was a big part of it. I taught him to read and do math. You can see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him, although you can't hear me. Here's the link. http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/

Clempier pre-menstrual syndrome and constipation and your lap band hasn't yet reached the sweet spot. Don't beat yourself up sweetie. Tell your Dr. you've got no restriction at night. Get set up for another fill. Perfectionism is deadly and is part of our disease. It sets us up for failure. Take some vitamin D, get some sun, and tell yourself you're doing as well as can be expected. Are you taking a good multi-vitamin with iron? Are you taking Calcium? You're going to be all right.

Long, when I was young they used to measure wrist size and consider your basic body frame before assigning a normal weight range. WW has a vested interest in trying to get people to go for the lower BMI. They get more moeny. My doctor just eyeballed me, I'm 5'9", and said, considering my age (57) and height I should probably try for around 170 lbs. I was a size 14 at that weight and looked and felt great. If you're a size 10 at that weight you've got to be quite thin. It may be your body image that you've got to work on. If you're in really good shape, remember muscle weighs more than fat but you're actually thinner. Getting stuck on thinking we need to be a certain BMI or weight or size is actually part of our disease.

I love this cooler summer we're having here. Back down to the 70's today. I'm so much more comfortable than I usually am with the extremely hot and humid Illinois summer weather. My electric bill has been incredibly low. It makes going out and walking everyday so much more pleasant. In the past I'd go out at 6 a.m. and come home covered with sweat. I have 8 more lbs to go to onederland. My first fill isn't till August 11. I'm hoping to start dropping more rapidly after that. I'm going to miss being able to be on LBT as often once school starts. I've been staying up really late and won't be able to do that anymore. I'll have to be packing a lunch for school and I expect that sandwiches won't work because of the bread. Dry deli meat in a baggie gets pretty old. I may end up having a Protein shake for Breakfast and for lunch frequently. I've never been big on breakfast and my band is much tighter in the morning so I've been taking a shake with me on my walk as soon as I get up. That way no fluids before the meal. I think I'm going to get some gardening done since its cooler today. Did I say that I hate the heat?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 Creating Intimacy Intimacy. I was at a concert tonight where Derrell Evans (the singer/songwriter who wrote Trading My Sorrows) performed at my church. He spoke and sang about intimacy--how God desires intimacy with us. I spoke in an earlier blog about how everyone wants to be known. We want someone to know us with the layers peeled away--the real us. That's intimacy. That's something we compulsive overeaters are not very good at. There are those in the field of psychiatry who have speculated that we surround ourselves with layers of fat in order to protect ourselves from intimacy--especially those who've been abused. Don't know if that's true, but I do think that food, like any addiction, can make real intimacy difficult. We do our best to keep the secret of how deep that addiction runs. There's a saying in recovery groups: We are only as sick as our secrets. How can another person truly know us if they don't know our addiction? How can we fully contribute to a relationship when so much time is spent protecting our secret? I've heard people confess that they go from one fast food place to another ordering food at several places so that the order takers won't catch on that they're ordering so much food just for themselves. Others tell how they buy food and eat in their cars so their families won't know how much they're eating. Bulimia, whether using laxatives, throwing up, or excercise, is a way of hiding the compulsive overeating by not layering with fat. I have it on good authority that pizza is the hardest and worst food to throw up, while ice cream is the best because it tastes the same coming up as going down. One girl kept a bucket in her closet for throwing up so her family wouldn't suspect anything the way they would if she threw up in the toilet. We are all so good at hiding and stashing and sneaking food. Combine secrets with low self-esteem and you've got a perfect recipe for getting involved with emotionally unavailable and even abusive people. Compulsive overeaters frequently stay in bad relationships because they don't believe anyone else would want to be with them. They're with people who are no more capable of receiving intimacy than we are of giving it. So, yes, we have issues with intimacy. The rules in any dysfunctional family or relationship are: Don't talk(tell); Don't trust; and Don't feel. Keep the secret, trust no one with the peeled away version of yourself; and numb yourself (with the substance of your choice) so you don't have to feel. So, how do we break the pattern of avoiding intimacy that we experience with God, with significant others, and with friends? In fact, food and other drugs put us in such a dissociative state that we may not even know, or experience intimacy, with ourselves. First of all, I think God himself breaks through those barriers through the power of his Spirit and the sacrifice of his Son. We have to believe that and receive it. Nevertheless, we are going to have to accept help from other people--a 12 step sponsor and often a trained professional counselor--and possibly anti-depressants to help us get started on breaking the cycle. God generally works through human hands. The counselor and/or a 12 step sponsor may be the first person we genuinely experience intimacy with as we begin to tell our secrets. We may find other safe people to practice intimacy with (like in 12 step groups) before we're able to share with those closest to us. And family are not always the safest recipients of our secrets. If they are not willing to work on their own intimacy issues, they may be people to whom we only go so far in revealing ourselves. Working the steps takes us through the steps of intimacy. Taking our own moral inventory, sharing it with God and another human being, asking God to remove our defects of character, making amends to others, promptly admitting when we're wrong, sharing our recovery with others, passing it on, are all ways of learning intimacy. Writing is a great way to learn intimacy. To peel away layers and share what's underneath. God already knows us, but like Adam and Eve we hide from him, too full of shame to walk in intimacy with him in the garden. He wants nothing more than to lavish us with love with arms opened wide. Go ahead. Fall into his arms. Let him peel away the layers. Nothing revealed will repell him. Ask him to put people in your life with whom you can experience intimacy. They may or may not be in a church. Not all church people are safe. But you can experience intimacy with God, with yourself, and with other human beings. It won't happen overnight. But full recovery from the effects of addiction requires learning intimacy. "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. For his mercy endureth forever."

Wow! Holy Cow! Huzzah! Hooray! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! OMW! etc., etc., etc. You must be quite tall and thin, I'm guessing. I'm glad your Dr. looked at you and not at the charts. Celebrate!

I can believe it. I've had it since I was a kid. Before surgery I ate a ton of Fiber to help me. I've started taking fish oil capsules again, I take Dr.'s script for a laxative, and I've started adding ground flax seed. Last night I added Psyllium Husk, just a teaspoon because it expands with Water and you need to drink a of water with it for it to do its work. I ate some broccoli and a little fruit today, but fiber works better for me. Some people are recommending Miralax-a laxative, and others are recommending Kashi products. Have to be careful of the calories with Kashi.

I'm dealing with constipation. Have been since my surgery and I'm sick of it. I'm trying to add some fiber but not stretch my tummy with expanding fiber that might cause me to bp the way the pita bread did. I called my most recent blog: Getting Rid of the Crap. You can read it at IF YOUR STOMACH OFFENDS YOU, TIE IT OFF

Where are you guys? Start posting please.

If I'm ever in the area he can wave me on in. LOL. I think I'd rather be teaching my at-risk children with all their behavioral and academic issues for my 8 hours a day.

Janet: Welcome back Laura: You never know. But peri-menopause could also really screw up your system. What about thyroid? Apples and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. Had one of those a few weeks ago when my mom broke her knee cap and her elbow and I got in a screaming match with my dad. Who the heck do you cook for woman? Sounds like you run a restaurant. No wonder you need a freezer. Going out to eat must be a vacation for you. No wonder you enjoy it so much. But it sounds like you enjoy cooking (except for today) for everyone else, too. It sounds like you're able to make and eat a little of everything and not too much of anything (except peach cobbler on a very bad day). Good for you!

So, who else out there has trouble with constipation? I'm collecting info. I'm getting so exasperated I actually wrote about it last night in my blog: http://ifyourstomachoffendsyoutieitoff.blogspot.com/ I called it Getting the Crap Out. Enjoy.

Hey everyone, I actually wrote about constipation in my blog last night. The title of the post is: Getting the Crap Out. I know I'm not the only one experiencing this. You can read my blog at http://ifyourstomachoffendsyoutieitoff.blogspot.com/ Have fun.