MrsWilson1212

It seems like everything has simply stalled for me and as a result I have lost focus..lost my mind..lost my excitement. I have been eating like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I do have see the bariatric surgeon again until the middle of next month and the sleep study the week after. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and find myself sidetracked. Work has been very stressful and co-workers and I have been going out for drinks and as a result have found myself the next morning trying to eat down hangovers the next morning or working through breakfast or lunch because it is so busy then going overboard at the next meal. Just picking up alot of the bad habits that got me to where I am today. The little bit of wieght I lost I am sure I have gained back and I feel my distractions have come easier because I am not moving along in the process to getting the surgery at the initial pace which seemed to have me doing something once a week when I first started my journey. One of the other concerns I have is making sure I have the money I will need for the psych and nutritionist appts that will cost me close to $500. With my oldest daughter in college and my youngest starting high school in a couple of weeks, my husband wanting to complete home improvement projects and no overtime at work my money is very "funny". So in a sense, the delay is somewhat of a blessing since it gives me some time to save but at this point and pace, I don't see myself getting a date until the end of the year or beginning of next year. From the beginning I have told myself if it is meant to be, everything that I need will be available when I need it and I will be just fine. My faith is all I have. So its another Sunday, and again I promise myself to get back on the horse of developing more positive habits, that will simply get me prepared for what I will eventually have to make a permanent part of my life.

It seems like everything has simply stalled for me and as a result I have lost focus..lost my mind..lost my excitement. I have been eating like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I do have see the bariatric surgeon again until the middle of next month and the sleep study the week after. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and find myself sidetracked. Work has been very stressful and co-workers and I have been going out for drinks and as a result have found myself the next morning trying to eat down hangovers the next morning or working through breakfast or lunch because it is so busy then going overboard at the next meal. Just picking up alot of the bad habits that got me to where I am today. The little bit of wieght I lost I am sure I have gained back and I feel my distractions have come easier because I am not moving along in the process to getting the surgery at the initial pace which seemed to have me doing something once a week when I first started my journey. One of the other concerns I have is making sure I have the money I will need for the psych and nutritionist appts that will cost me close to $500. With my oldest daughter in college and my youngest starting high school in a couple of weeks, my husband wanting to complete home improvement projects and no overtime at work my money is very "funny". So in a sense, the delay is somewhat of a blessing since it gives me some time to save but at this point and pace, I don't see myself getting a date until the end of the year or beginning of next year. From the beginning I have told myself if it is meant to be, everything that I need will be available when I need it and I will be just fine. My faith is all I have. So its another Sunday, and again I promise myself to get back on the horse of developing more positive habits, that will simply get me prepared for what I will eventually have to make a permanent part of my life.

Hi Girlfriend! As always it is nice to "hear" from you. Congrats on your new home, that is definitely a great accomplishment and I wish you the very best of luck. I appreciate you sharing the fact you were able to enjoy some of the foods you love and feeling that a bite was enough. That is very encouraging to me since I am one of those people that simply love food...the colors, flavors and smells and I know changing my relationship with food is going to be instrumental to my success or failure. I am looking at the lapband as the restrictive control my mind does not have when I have my food favorites in front of me. Again, congrats on your new home. It sounds like you are about to not only re-invent yourself but your entire life and I applaud you. Until the next time..

Its been a while and stress at work more than anything has kept me from the very good routine I had started with visiting the site and posting to my blog, but better late than never... right? Well it will definitely have to be right in my case because my preliminary phases have been stretched out a little. This past Thursday I had my lab work, ultrasound and upper GI. I have to admit I was shocked by the speediness that I was able to get everything done and be out of the hospital. It was a truly effortless day. I am not scheduled to see the docs again until next month but I finally heard from the folks at the sleep study center and I have an appointment on the 26th. I have heard more than once it will not be a good night's sleep and I may have to do it twice. The 2nd appointment is 2 weeks after that first and then I have to see their doctor in early October. Since I was told the appointments for the nutrionist and psychologist does not occur until after those phases, in my mind I do not see myself getting a date (if its all approved..still have to keep my fingers crossed on that) until Thanksgiving or later. That actually might not be a bad idea..in fact, if possible I might even push for mid-December so I can recovery during the Xmas holidays with my family. As my title suggests, I consider the late dates to be a step back, but not like the other 2. First..the smoking thing..I would like to say I kicked it cold turkey but I have not:thumbdown:..still working on it. I have cut back to damn near nothing which is why it makes me angry when I actually smoke. I get the urge more for the "habit" reason than the physical need for nicotine since I actually went a whole day without one. It still makes me feel like crap if I have one, so the insanity of it just pisses me off. :smile2: Like I said work has been a real source of stress and I took time off as a result and ended up totally falling off my wagon of small portions, good food choices and just being more active and I am SURE I have gained back at least 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. I can feel it. I feel horrible. I just lost my damn mind. I binged on all of my favorite things. Chinese food, fast food, wings, and alcohol meeting up with thin girlfriends for drinks. Horrible! And of course..like it goes..more I ate..more I got tired and less active. Yes, I am totally disgusted with myself! :smile2: But today..is a new day..I am back in the right frame of mind. Because I understand it is truly all about how I think and IF I think about what I am doing. I simply have to get my focus back and remember my goal. I am also going to re-visit the discussion with my husband about the surgery because I certainly cannot go to the sleep study without telling him since he may be a little concerned and/or :confused: if he comes home from work and I am not in the bed. I am going to simply advise him that my point of discussion is not to get his permission or for him to agree but to give him the opportunity to go to an appointment with me and/or one of the upcoming information sessions I want to attend. I also want him to understand I would like to have his support, but with 2 supportive daughters than can help me with the physical and emotional issues that may arise, if I don't it will not deter me. It really is that simple. Please keep me in prayer.

Great post! I love it and I applaud you for refusing to let what you see define the love you have for yourself. I had to chuckle at a couple of descriptions, but the brutal honesty is what I am seeking in these very early stages of my journey, so thank you for sharing and you strut your stuff in that bathing suit with your head held high because like you HAVE succeeded!

Its been a while and stress at work more than anything has kept me from the very good routine I had started with visiting the site and posting to my blog, but better late than never... right? Well it will definitely have to be right in my case because my preliminary phases have been stretched out a little. This past Thursday I had my lab work, ultrasound and upper GI. I have to admit I was shocked by the speediness that I was able to get everything done and be out of the hospital. It was a truly effortless day. I am not scheduled to see the docs again until next month but I finally heard from the folks at the sleep study center and I have an appointment on the 26th. I have heard more than once it will not be a good night's sleep and I may have to do it twice. The 2nd appointment is 2 weeks after that first and then I have to see their doctor in early October. Since I was told the appointments for the nutrionist and psychologist does not occur until after those phases, in my mind I do not see myself getting a date (if its all approved..still have to keep my fingers crossed on that) until Thanksgiving or later. That actually might not be a bad idea..in fact, if possible I might even push for mid-December so I can recovery during the Xmas holidays with my family. As my title suggests, I consider the late dates to be a step back, but not like the other 2. First..the smoking thing..I would like to say I kicked it cold turkey but I have not:thumbdown:..still working on it. I have cut back to damn near nothing which is why it makes me angry when I actually smoke. I get the urge more for the "habit" reason than the physical need for nicotine since I actually went a whole day without one. It still makes me feel like crap if I have one, so the insanity of it just pisses me off. Like I said work has been a real source of stress and I took time off as a result and ended up totally falling off my wagon of small portions, good food choices and just being more active and I am SURE I have gained back at least 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. I can feel it. I feel horrible. I just lost my damn mind. I binged on all of my favorite things. Chinese food, fast food, wings, and alcohol meeting up with thin girlfriends for drinks. Horrible! And of course..like it goes..more I ate..more I got tired and less active. Yes, I am totally disgusted with myself! :thumbup: But today..is a new day..I am back in the right frame of mind. Because I understand it is truly all about how I think and IF I think about what I am doing. I simply have to get my focus back and remember my goal. I am also going to re-visit the discussion with my husband about the surgery because I certainly cannot go to the sleep study without telling him since he may be a little concerned and/or if he comes home from work and I am not in the bed. I am going to simply advise him that my point of discussion is not to get his permission or for him to agree but to give him the opportunity to go to an appointment with me and/or one of the upcoming information sessions I want to attend. I also want him to understand I would like to have his support, but with 2 supportive daughters than can help me with the physical and emotional issues that may arise, if I don't it will not deter me. It really is that simple. Please keep me in prayer.

Hi Girlfriend.. Your sense of humor about everything makings reading your blog a real joy...imagining the needle just sticking out your stomach while you took a quick nap made me chuckle. I appreciate you sharing this because I never imagined getting a fill could be problematic. I am still in my early phases but getting close. Thanks for sharing..

My life has been moving at a very fast and stressful pace the last couple of days and I did not get the opportunity to detail my first visit with the doctor this past Monday which now has become a slight blur after a day of meetings and the training of 2 new assistants. But the details are simple..the appointment was longer than expected mostly due to waiting..I saw the bariatric doctor first and she gave me a full examination and a clean bill of health to proceed with getting the procedure. That was no surprise since I have been blessed to live all these years with extra weight and none of the health problems usually associated with being obese. She asked me how much weight I was looking to lose and agreed I would be a great candidate for lapband. The nutrionist came in next and spoke with me about alot of the same things she had discussed at the seminar I attended a week before and little tips on how to "practice" what will become my new style of eating. I kinda felt like she probably did the same speel with everyone and could do it in her sleep, but like everyone on the staff, she was really nice and it probably was more me, than her feeling like there was nothing this woman could tell me about how to eat properly, the food pyramid, reading labels and exercising...I knew the rules..I just did not apply them to my life. The surgeon met with me last with his plastic stomach replica to show me how the band actually works and also touched base on my concerns about blot clots since I had a clot last year. He was very patient with my questions and made me feel at ease. The fact that I had checked him out online when my primary doctor gave me the referral, helped alot. By the time I left (3 1/2 hours later) I was exhausted and starving :biggrin: but smiling brightly because I had my appointments scheduled for the necessary tests all patients have. My sleep study was the only thing not scheduled but with another 6 weeks before I return to see the doctors, I will wait to hear from them for my appointment. On a good note...I met my angel. Despite some distractions she had that morning, she managed to meet me and sat with me while I waited to be seen. She was just as beautiful as a person as I imagined and having her there for support was truly special. She is highly opinionated on some things, but I like her spirit. On a quasi bad note..I have been smoking. Considering the fact I am doing it sans any smoking aids and for the first time ever since I started smoking at age 20, I think I am doing pretty well. I bought a pack on a very stressful morning when I couldnt "bum" one and found myself reaching for them as my stress continued. I smoked about 8-10 cigarettes a day before I decided to quit, now i have been smoking about 2-4 a day. I will not give up. I will just continue to try because I know I have had enough and have been tired of the habit for a long time. Its just been a really long and stressful work week. (and its only Wed) Its no excuse..but its the truth. On another good note..I weighed in at my appointment at 270. That was a 8 lb weight loss since I saw my doctor last month with no real effort. Just small changes to my diet and doing those little things like walking a little further and just getting off my ass. My appetite has also decreased because I have cut back but today I felt as if I really cheated myself because despite the intent to have a heatlhy lunch that I bought to work, I rushed when I finally got a chance to eat without being abel to savor my food and of course ate more than I would have when I got home for dinner if I would have been able to eat what I took to work. I am truly trying to embrace my life and I am looking forward to process ahead of me simply because I know as I complete each phase, it is just taking me closer to getting banded and the road to making positive changes in my life.

My life has been moving at a very fast and stressful pace the last couple of days and I did not get the opportunity to detail my first visit with the doctor this past Monday which now has become a slight blur after a day of meetings and the training of 2 new assistants. But the details are simple..the appointment was longer than expected mostly due to waiting..I saw the bariatric doctor first and she gave me a full examination and a clean bill of health to proceed with getting the procedure. That was no surprise since I have been blessed to live all these years with extra weight and none of the health problems usually associated with being obese. She asked me how much weight I was looking to lose and agreed I would be a great candidate for lapband. The nutrionist came in next and spoke with me about alot of the same things she had discussed at the seminar I attended a week before and little tips on how to "practice" what will become my new style of eating. I kinda felt like she probably did the same speel with everyone and could do it in her sleep, but like everyone on the staff, she was really nice and it probably was more me, than her feeling like there was nothing this woman could tell me about how to eat properly, the food pyramid, reading labels and exercising...I knew the rules..I just did not apply them to my life. The surgeon met with me last with his plastic stomach replica to show me how the band actually works and also touched base on my concerns about blot clots since I had a clot last year. He was very patient with my questions and made me feel at ease. The fact that I had checked him out online when my primary doctor gave me the referral, helped alot. By the time I left (3 1/2 hours later) I was exhausted and starving :drool: but smiling brightly because I had my appointments scheduled for the necessary tests all patients have. My sleep study was the only thing not scheduled but with another 6 weeks before I return to see the doctors, I will wait to hear from them for my appointment. On a good note...I met my angel. Despite some distractions she had that morning, she managed to meet me and sat with me while I waited to be seen. She was just as beautiful as a person as I imagined and having her there for support was truly special. She is highly opinionated on some things, but I like her spirit. On a quasi bad note..I have been smoking. Considering the fact I am doing it sans any smoking aids and for the first time ever since I started smoking at age 20, I think I am doing pretty well. I bought a pack on a very stressful morning when I couldnt "bum" one and found myself reaching for them as my stress continued. I smoked about 8-10 cigarettes a day before I decided to quit, now i have been smoking about 2-4 a day. I will not give up. I will just continue to try because I know I have had enough and have been tired of the habit for a long time. Its just been a really long and stressful work week. (and its only Wed) Its no excuse..but its the truth. On another good note..I weighed in at my appointment at 270. That was a 8 lb weight loss since I saw my doctor last month with no real effort. Just small changes to my diet and doing those little things like walking a little further and just getting off my ass. My appetite has also decreased because I have cut back but today I felt as if I really cheated myself because despite the intent to have a heatlhy lunch that I bought to work, I rushed when I finally got a chance to eat without being abel to savor my food and of course ate more than I would have when I got home for dinner if I would have been able to eat what I took to work. I am truly trying to embrace my life and I am looking forward to process ahead of me simply because I know as I complete each phase, it is just taking me closer to getting banded and the road to making positive changes in my life.

I feel like I am in a really weird dream. Like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where someone is watching their life happen from a different perspective wondering what in the world is going on. What have I done, what am I about to do and am I losing my freaking mind... Ok..I quit smoking. Wellllllllllllllllll I feel like a fraud saying it so emphatically considering the fact I have had puffs from my aunt's cigarettes the last couple of mornings I have met with her to have coffee. After smonking 20 + years, I think to not BUY a pack is a plus...especially since I have never tried to quit in the past and really am trying to do but simply...stopping. I guess its easy to stop when I feel it in a bad way instead of the comforting way it did at a time. Oh..dont get me wrong..the thought has crossed my mind..especially during the times I would ALWAYS smoke (after a meal) But now I am trying to think like a non smoker but reminding myself I dont smoke anymore. Just that simple..I can't let a bad habit ruin my chance of getting my lapband. I was a little more liberal with my eating yesterday than I had the whole week hanging out with my girlfriends on our girls night out. Cant have a girls night out without magaritas and hot wings. I tried to watch the amount and do little things like park a little further from where I would normally park whenever I go out forcing me to get exercise. I know its small things but small things can make a difference. On top of all of these changes I am trying to make, I am being surrounded by changes ...a new boss, resistance to change, has all my coworkers frazzled..my marriage has been very rocky the last couple of weeks and I am in the process of trying to get major life altering surgery..:crying: But I have a peace over me that I have never experienced before and for the first time ever... despite all this madness..I believe..NO..I KNOW..everything is going to be ok because where I am..is where I am meant to be and God is in charge and no matter I am going to be okay:thumbup:

I feel like I am in a really weird dream. Like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where someone is watching their life happen from a different perspective wondering what in the world is going on. What have I done, what am I about to do and am I losing my freaking mind... Ok..I quit smoking. Wellllllllllllllllll I feel like a fraud saying it so emphatically considering the fact I have had puffs from my aunt's cigarettes the last couple of mornings I have met with her to have coffee. After smonking 20 + years, I think to not BUY a pack is a plus...especially since I have never tried to quit in the past and really am trying to do but simply...stopping. I guess its easy to stop when I feel it in a bad way instead of the comforting way it did at a time. Oh..dont get me wrong..the thought has crossed my mind..especially during the times I would ALWAYS smoke (after a meal) But now I am trying to think like a non smoker but reminding myself I dont smoke anymore. Just that simple..I can't let a bad habit ruin my chance of getting my lapband. I was a little more liberal with my eating yesterday than I had the whole week hanging out with my girlfriends on our girls night out. Cant have a girls night out without magaritas and hot wings. I tried to watch the amount and do little things like park a little further from where I would normally park whenever I go out forcing me to get exercise. I know its small things but small things can make a difference. On top of all of these changes I am trying to make, I am being surrounded by changes ...a new boss, resistance to change, has all my coworkers frazzled..my marriage has been very rocky the last couple of weeks and I am in the process of trying to get major life altering surgery.. But I have a peace over me that I have never experienced before and for the first time ever... despite all this madness..I believe..NO..I KNOW..everything is going to be ok because where I am..is where I am meant to be and God is in charge and no matter I am going to be okay:thumbup:

I have been seriously trying to be more aware of what I eat, when I eat and the amount I eat at any given time. I have been trying to practice things like chewing foods to mush and sipping beverages slower. I always start off well and can manage pretty well with the fruit and yogurt that I take to work, but by the middle of the day, I feel like I am starving for anything that is either hot or has more substance. You know...FOOD. Although I am still a long way from getting surgery I am trying to create different habits and get my mind right because I know I cant wait until post-op to do it. Funny thing is, I guess because my mind is trying to wrap around these notions, I am noticing different things. I have been drinking alot of water and the last couple of times I tried to drink anything but water (e.g Ocean Spray White Cranberry juice which is my absolute favorite) it tasted incredibly sweet. Today I foolishly went to McDonalds. Although I bought a kids meal instead of quarter pounder, I guiltily ate 2 chicken nuggets, about 10 fries and drank a quarter of the orange drink (if that stuff came out of my faucets I would never leave my house). By the time I arrived home, I had what I like to call a "MC-attack" and found myself in the bathroom wondering what the hell was wrong with me eating that crap because I felt like I had eaten a pound of prunes. Guess like the sweetness of the juice my body is trying to tell me now, what to stay away from. Its probably totally mental but it also kinda worked. You know what pisses me off...when someone who is having the same eating struggles as I am suddenly becomes a expert and offers their opinion on what I should or shouldn't eat. While I lamented over what to have for lunch (I ended up with turkey & swiss on wheat) because I was starving, a co-worker who is in the process of getting gastric, decided to chastise me for saying I wanted "real food" This was after I watched her down a huge bagel slathered with cream cheese for breakfast and then turned around an hour after her lecture to me and attacked the candy dish (its full of the stuff I dont eat) I have for co-workers. I felt like she of all people should understand the struggle. But whatever..:sad: On a really good note..I was able to get my referral for my appt on Monday with the surgeon and nutrionist before my doctor's office closed for the holiday weekend. I looked it over when I got in my truck and noticed they used the code for "morbidly obese" and although it stung a little, I accepted it is my reality and will hopefully assist with getting approved by my insurance company. :redface: Tomorrow is another day..and I will try again to be better towards my goal of eating with a different mindset.

Happy 4th to you as well...I think awareness is what makes the difference between any failure and success and you seem to be on the right track to continued success..Have fun in Vegas and good luck!

I have been seriously trying to be more aware of what I eat, when I eat and the amount I eat at any given time. I have been trying to practice things like chewing foods to mush and sipping beverages slower. I always start off well and can manage pretty well with the fruit and yogurt that I take to work, but by the middle of the day, I feel like I am starving for anything that is either hot or has more substance. You know...FOOD. Although I am still a long way from getting surgery I am trying to create different habits and get my mind right because I know I cant wait until post-op to do it. Funny thing is, I guess because my mind is trying to wrap around these notions, I am noticing different things. I have been drinking alot of water and the last couple of times I tried to drink anything but water (e.g Ocean Spray White Cranberry juice which is my absolute favorite) it tasted incredibly sweet. Today I foolishly went to McDonalds. Although I bought a kids meal instead of quarter pounder, I guiltily ate 2 chicken nuggets, about 10 fries and drank a quarter of the orange drink (if that stuff came out of my faucets I would never leave my house). By the time I arrived home, I had what I like to call a "MC-attack" and found myself in the bathroom wondering what the hell was wrong with me eating that crap because I felt like I had eaten a pound of prunes. Guess like the sweetness of the juice my body is trying to tell me now, what to stay away from. Its probably totally mental but it also kinda worked. You know what pisses me off...when someone who is having the same eating struggles as I am suddenly becomes a expert and offers their opinion on what I should or shouldn't eat. While I lamented over what to have for lunch (I ended up with turkey & swiss on wheat) because I was starving, a co-worker who is in the process of getting gastric, decided to chastise me for saying I wanted "real food" This was after I watched her down a huge bagel slathered with cream cheese for breakfast and then turned around an hour after her lecture to me and attacked the candy dish (its full of the stuff I dont eat) I have for co-workers. I felt like she of all people should understand the struggle. But whatever..:smile2: On a really good note..I was able to get my referral for my appt on Monday with the surgeon and nutrionist before my doctor's office closed for the holiday weekend. I looked it over when I got in my truck and noticed they used the code for "morbidly obese" and although it stung a little, I accepted it is my reality and will hopefully assist with getting approved by my insurance company. :thumbup: Tomorrow is another day..and I will try again to be better towards my goal of eating with a different mindset.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words..One thing that seems to be consistent is the amount of support and kind words I receive from others on this website.

Up until now, I was really reluctant to post anything more than I did 9 days ago, opting instead to read about the triumphs, advice and words of others who have had the surgery. I felt as if I was peeking into a world I was not a part of through a peephole. I only had a desire to get it done and a mandatory information session scheduled. An hour ago I returned from that session and I feel equally excited and afraid. Most of the things discussed, I had learned about from my research online, and from this website, so in alot of ways it just reinforced what I already knew. But it felt good to be able to discuss with the doctor my concerns about having a blood clot last year (he assured me it would not interfer) and about how the choice is made about what type of surgery I could get (he explained the best option based on my health would be discussed.) I surely hope he suggest the lapband since my fears may have me back out if he suggest gastic bypass. There was about 10 other people there, many of them couples and for a second I felt a pang of regret that I did not include my husband, but he made it very clear that he does not agree with me having the surgery and I am not remiss when I say it doesnt matter, since I believe his reasons are purely selfish. I see I am going to have to rely the support of my daughters and close friends who have been nothing but encouraging. In fact my daughters are the only 2 people that could actually make me change my mind, but they are my biggest cheerleaders. I prayed about it and told myself if it is not meant to be, it will not happen. I do not believe in chance or coincidence so when the nurse asked me if I wanted to move my appointment with the doctor from July 20th to July 6th, I couldnt help but feel a little more positive about it being meant to be. The surgeon said (like my primary care physician) the process takes about 3 months so I realize unless I get stopped at some phase of the process, I have about 90 days to get myself together. To quit smoking (he said they will not operate on smokers) to try to get my body use to some form of physical activity (guess I better dust off the treadmile) and to kick caffeine (got see if that means even the small cup I have each morning) Other things like drinking more water should be easy since I have been working on that for a while. Learning how to sip out of a medicine cup for 15 minutes as simple as it sounds, seems like its going to be a slight challenge since my husband likes to call me a "camel" because of the way I could down a drink after a meal. The smaller meals thing didnt even bother me since I often eat of a small saucer (just very often the wrong crap at the wrong times forcing me to be where I am today) I also did not realize there would be cost incurred outside of usual doctor visit co-pays. I have to check with the doctor's assistant to see if my insurance will pay all or any portion the $475 (275 psych..200 nutritionist) that is also necessary to go to the next step. All and all..I will do whatever it takes. I have reached many goals in my life but always fell short when it came to my weight. I feel like it has been the one thing I have failed at time and time again. I know this journey will have alot of twists and turns and to say it will be easy will be foolish, but for once I feel serious about doing something for me. Not my kids...not my husband...not my job..but for me.

I always believed that God knows what I need and will provide it even without me asking and today my belief was again proven. When I first started to talk about want to get WLS a friend told me she worked with a woman who had gotten the lapband surgery and she would be glad to pass my number to her because this woman had been so supportive of her with her personal issues, she was sure she would be willing to lend me the same. And she was right. I called her yesterday and did not get a chance to speak to her, but she called me back this morning and talked to me with a level of comfort I only have with old friends. She shared tears as she told me her start weight and how she binged ate herself 19 lbs heavier before she actually saw the doctor because she felt like she was going to miss out on all of this food. She actually helped me realize that was my issue. I knew I obviously had some kind of food issues but didnt quite know what to label it but hearing her share her story helped me realize I was a binge eater because I had been doing the same thing the past couple of weeks and the pain in my lower back (which always signals to me I have gained weight) had started up again making walking difficult. Anyway her call this morning was really what I needed because I had a real angry conversation with myself about my husband and his lack of support as I drove into work. Many have told me its important to get him on board but only very few understand how it doesnt matter to me if I have his support because his lack of support just adds to the mounting resentments I have had the past few months with him. (but thats another story for another blog) My angel ( I will call her) told me all of the things I wondered and hearing them from someone I could relate to (we share the same stresses at work, we live in the same part of the city, and we are both older) made me feel more at ease about really asking some questions. By the end of our conversation, she told me she would join me at my first appointment. I do not know this woman from a can of paint, but knowing I will have her at my side and I dont have to do this alone is very comforting and I feel like God has send me a bandster angel. I also confided in how I feel about the importance of finally doing something for myself and how determined I felt. I was able to get through my day at work eat lighter, but I did myself an injustice because by the time I came home I heated burgers (yes plural) that I grilled yesterday and devoured them in less time it took to heat them up. So tomorrow I will make certain I take lunch that will get me through so when I come home something small will simply do. As for my husband, I decided I will tell him what I am going to do when I complete the phases and get a date. At that point I will tell him, my mind is made up and while I would appreciate his support, I am going to do it with or without it. :redface: Please keep me in prayer.

I always believed that God knows what I need and will provide it even without me asking and today my belief was again proven. When I first started to talk about want to get WLS a friend told me she worked with a woman who had gotten the lapband surgery and she would be glad to pass my number to her because this woman had been so supportive of her with her personal issues, she was sure she would be willing to lend me the same. And she was right. I called her yesterday and did not get a chance to speak to her, but she called me back this morning and talked to me with a level of comfort I only have with old friends. She shared tears as she told me her start weight and how she binged ate herself 19 lbs heavier before she actually saw the doctor because she felt like she was going to miss out on all of this food. She actually helped me realize that was my issue. I knew I obviously had some kind of food issues but didnt quite know what to label it but hearing her share her story helped me realize I was a binge eater because I had been doing the same thing the past couple of weeks and the pain in my lower back (which always signals to me I have gained weight) had started up again making walking difficult. Anyway her call this morning was really what I needed because I had a real angry conversation with myself about my husband and his lack of support as I drove into work. Many have told me its important to get him on board but only very few understand how it doesnt matter to me if I have his support because his lack of support just adds to the mounting resentments I have had the past few months with him. (but thats another story for another blog) My angel ( I will call her) told me all of the things I wondered and hearing them from someone I could relate to (we share the same stresses at work, we live in the same part of the city, and we are both older) made me feel more at ease about really asking some questions. By the end of our conversation, she told me she would join me at my first appointment. I do not know this woman from a can of paint, but knowing I will have her at my side and I dont have to do this alone is very comforting and I feel like God has send me a bandster angel. I also confided in how I feel about the importance of finally doing something for myself and how determined I felt. I was able to get through my day at work eat lighter, but I did myself an injustice because by the time I came home I heated burgers (yes plural) that I grilled yesterday and devoured them in less time it took to heat them up. So tomorrow I will make certain I take lunch that will get me through so when I come home something small will simply do. As for my husband, I decided I will tell him what I am going to do when I complete the phases and get a date. At that point I will tell him, my mind is made up and while I would appreciate his support, I am going to do it with or without it. :thumbup: Please keep me in prayer.

Looking good girlfriend!...Stay motivated..stay focused..

Hi Friend (in my head) Reading your blog has really given me a different perspective about WLS because you speak from the heart and your brutal honesty (often laced with humor) is what draws me to your blog. I admire the fact that you are so open about your feelings because it brings a sense of realness to readers like me that want to know its not as easy as one might think especially when you start digging deeper into yourself to see the core issue of the bigger picture. I am at stage 1..I will see the doctor this upcoming Monday but I am really looking forward to actually going through some of the processes because there are so many things I do not know about the effects of my weight on the inside of my body and to be able to talk to the psychologist about the real reasons why I binge eat might help me understand a little more about my issues. So thank you for sharing and being so open. Congratulations on your success so far and try not to beat yourself up too much...you are doing great.

Up until now, I was really reluctant to post anything more than I did 9 days ago, opting instead to read about the triumphs, advice and words of others who have had the surgery. I felt as if I was peeking into a world I was not a part of through a peephole. I only had a desire to get it done and a mandatory information session scheduled. An hour ago I returned from that session and I feel equally excited and afraid. Most of the things discussed, I had learned about from my research online, and from this website, so in alot of ways it just reinforced what I already knew. But it felt good to be able to discuss with the doctor my concerns about having a blood clot last year (he assured me it would not interfer) and about how the choice is made about what type of surgery I could get (he explained the best option based on my health would be discussed.) I surely hope he suggest the lapband since my fears may have me back out if he suggest gastic bypass. There was about 10 other people there, many of them couples and for a second I felt a pang of regret that I did not include my husband, but he made it very clear that he does not agree with me having the surgery and I am not remiss when I say it doesnt matter, since I believe his reasons are purely selfish. I see I am going to have to rely the support of my daughters and close friends who have been nothing but encouraging. In fact my daughters are the only 2 people that could actually make me change my mind, but they are my biggest cheerleaders. I prayed about it and told myself if it is not meant to be, it will not happen. I do not believe in chance or coincidence so when the nurse asked me if I wanted to move my appointment with the doctor from July 20th to July 6th, I couldnt help but feel a little more positive about it being meant to be. The surgeon said (like my primary care physician) the process takes about 3 months so I realize unless I get stopped at some phase of the process, I have about 90 days to get myself together. To quit smoking (he said they will not operate on smokers) to try to get my body use to some form of physical activity (guess I better dust off the treadmile) and to kick caffeine (got see if that means even the small cup I have each morning) Other things like drinking more water should be easy since I have been working on that for a while. Learning how to sip out of a medicine cup for 15 minutes as simple as it sounds, seems like its going to be a slight challenge since my husband likes to call me a "camel" because of the way I could down a drink after a meal. The smaller meals thing didnt even bother me since I often eat of a small saucer (just very often the wrong crap at the wrong times forcing me to be where I am today) I also did not realize there would be cost incurred outside of usual doctor visit co-pays. I have to check with the doctor's assistant to see if my insurance will pay all or any portion the $475 (275 psych..200 nutritionist) that is also necessary to go to the next step. All and all..I will do whatever it takes. I have reached many goals in my life but always fell short when it came to my weight. I feel like it has been the one thing I have failed at time and time again. I know this journey will have alot of twists and turns and to say it will be easy will be foolish, but for once I feel serious about doing something for me. Not my kids...not my husband...not my job..but for me.