knrpick

It's not huge, and it's not as big as it should be, but I hit a new low since......omg, uh probably after my 1st child in 1994. I realized that i have been obese for 16 yrs! YIKES! Well I now am at 246! 1 more lb and my husband will get me an all day inclusive massage! NOW THAT'S WORTH IT! I don't know why I just can't get it together. I do know that I'm tight in the morning, so I have a protein shake every morning. For lunch, hmmmm yesterday I had nothing because I ahve been sick. Dinner, I had hamburger helper, veggies and augrautin potatos. I can't seem to get my amounts right. I can eat and eat, which sucks. But if I eat the wrong things.... boy I throw up, and it takes forever to do that, I lean over the sink and it comes up little bits at a time, or mostly just foam and therefore don't feel relief or not feel like throwing up for about 1/2 an hour For the last 2 wks, I have had a cold, and now when ever I eat, my stomach hurts and I mean hurts. I wake up fine, but as soon as i eat something, WHAM, i want to die! I wonder if it's a bug, but it's been going on forever, I just don't know what to do:confused The kids.....they are OK. Bug is learning to deal with stress, therapy is helping. On the other hand, Logan, therapy is a total joke to him and he is just saying what he's supposed to say. He is doing breathe therapy and hypnotherapy, and he seems to do better than just talk. (I LOVE OUR THERAPIST) But even Steve, the therapist, said he is so self centered, and narcasistic that nothing fazes him. Heres a new one for him....... I get an email from his spanish teacher...which happens quit frequently, the problem usually is that he can open the book and he has learned it instantly. Therefore he disrups the class. Anyway, she did say, thank you for talking to him, he is SLIGHTLY more respectful, but on a different note she said that she provides pens for her students to use and then return at the end of the hour. It obviously comes out of her own budget or she wouldn't be getting mad, but Logan consistantly does not return his pens. She saw his backpack one day and he had aobut 20 of her pens! So.....we sit him down and ask him why the hell he is doing something so stupid, but in a nicer way. And he point blank said, "I hate her". That simple! He said that he was going to return them at the end of the year and he;s doing it to just piss her off. I was just dumbfounded that he would confess and say such blatant things. What a dork. So, the therapist said, make the punishment fit the crime. Well, I told him that there will be consequenses because he is stealing. He said it's not stealing if I return it by the end of the year! UH.....NO! It's still stealing. He just doesn't get it. Oh so i told him he would be punished, the audacity of that child he just said, "bring it on". WHAT A PRICK! Ok i sound like I don't love my son, I do, but his actions, WOW! Ok, so he leaves and Kevin and I start laughing once we figure out what to do. We decided to take his backpack away until he returns the pens. Seems small, but his backpack weighs a good 40 lbs with books and crap! The next morning he says, where is my backpack. Kevin said, this is your punishment, you will get it back when you return the pens. So he goes up to his room to get another bag.....smart kid..... but Kevin laughed and said, nope, that includes no other bags. Boy that just about did him in! So he takes all his books, papers AND the huge handfull of pens and walked to the car. He looked furious and uterlly rediculous. It was funny to see. He carries most of his books wherever he goes because his locker is so far away from his classes, so he carried all that around for the whole day. Spanish is last.....:rolleyes2::confused: I smile just thinnking about it. AM I A BAD MOTHER FOR BEING HAPPY OVER HIM BEING MISERABLE? I honestly don't care right now. Anyway, he comes home sullen and tired, with his head down, he said "*SIGH* i returned the pens" I just said, i'm proud of you, and I returned his backpack. The end! He definatly learned his lesson and hasn't done it again. It's just such a stupid and BLATANT defiance that I just don't know why he does these things. Well I do know this one because he actually verbalized for once why he was doing it, because he hated her, but WOW, what a jerk. He is soooooo into himself that he doesn't see beyond the end of his nose. The counselor said he IS making progress, but he said he can't fix narsasism. Logan has to want to fix that! YEAH, like that's going to happen, but we will see! Tori has cheer tryouts today, so pray for her. She needs this for her self esteem. On the other hand, Logan has drum major tryouts, and he has a huge upper hand because my degree was music conducting, so he does it perfect. I shouldn't have shown him, because now he says that he has it in the bag. I know this sounds bad, but I hope he doesn't make it, just to put him in his place and show that there are better people than him. Though...... as a mother, he IS an amazing conductor. He has worked so hard and I have given him hints and watched and watched till the cows come home and he just soaks it all in. When it comes to music, we NEVER disagree because we have that one thing in common. He knows I know what I'm doing, therfore he will listen. Funny story.....they are starting up a fall city band, which I'm helping to coordinate. Anyway, me and Logan are playing in it, we both play clarinet. I said, I will be first chair because I'm the best they have......I was so not being uppity, but I teach all the clarinets in Rolla, so..... yeah, well you know what I mean. Well, logan says, I play more than you do, so I will be first. Oh really! Ok then, can you play all the scales including all the minors, natural, harmonic, and melodic? HE just looks down and smiles and says no. I said, see? I actually still know more than you do! He just rolled his eyes. But it was hillarious to say something like that and know that I'm right and I finally put him in his place. Kevin, my hubby was right there, and he says, "Logan, when it comes to playing the clarinet, you just won't win with your mother". AWWWWWW , now THAT is support! I love that man! Overall we were just playing, but his playing tends to turn hurtful for me, and it felt so good to stand up to him and put him in his place. I have been working with Steve and he says I do need to stand up to him more, because Logan is abusive to me, verbally, not calling me names, but just talking down to me! So, it felt soooo empowering to do that! I'M WONDER WOMAN!

All the prayers are very very much welcome and needed! Thank you!

I haven't posted in months. I realize that I need to write this down, soo I can get it out of my system. Feb, on my son's birthday, he was caught during his party smoking pot by himself in his room by himself. Yeah! Found out he has opposition defiance disorder. New drugs is making life a lot easier, but it's not over. Found out I need therapy along with my son. Issues from my past has..... stunted my families growth, so to speak. Then to top it off, my daughter on Monday, said she wwants to end her life! She is beautiful and strong. The Lord has loaned out these precious children to me, and it's my responsibility to rear them in the eyes of the Lord, Spiritually, mentally and physically. I will go to heaven and hell for them to save them from their sorrows. That is my sacred duty, and my joy as being a mother! I want to save my children and be there for them! I put her in therapy immediately kicking and screaming, but after a week of being home and "healing" she realizes she does need help. Our 18th anniversary is Sat. and we were going to go to Branson till Monday, but Doc said she is too fragile that we can't leave. I don't want her out of my sight, but she says she's too scared to carry it out. She says that the only reason she didn't carry it out is because I once told her that suicide just makes it harder, it doesn't solve your problems, it only makes them harder up in heaven, and what about the people you leave behind. Would she want everyone around her to mourn her loss for years and wish that we could have done something more to save our precious gift from God? She is healing, and feeling, and crying a lot, which is good. I made her stay home all week, and now she has strep because of stress. She is a perfectionist, which is part of the problem. She is also a mother to a T! She always has been, she feels like she needs to take care of everyone's problems instead of taking care of herself. She now recognizes that and the counselor is helping her. Life is such a short time in the whole eternity process, that why end this life? God sent us here to gain bodies, and to have trials, and to see how we face our trials. God also gave my daughter on loan to us. He is her Father. And it is my sacred duty to make sure she is taught in the Way of The Lord. To make her a better person, to see that she is a Daughter of God. To see that she is not worthless. If I don't do that, then it is upon my shoulders. Logan is doing better, the Respridole is helping, he doesn't get angry so much, he can talk through his feelings instead of keep it in till he explodes. Me? I'm a work in progress! I now realize that my father verbally abused me and emotionally. I would get F's in junior high and he would say that I would never amount to anything. After My third child, who was 10 lbs, and a c-section that i looked like a hippo. Therapy is helping realize that I CAN be who I have always wanted to be, but it's hard to believe you are worth something, when you have always heard to opposite my whole life. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't always horrible, it's just those few times that I remember the most. Till the next melt down, Ta Ta for now!

I haven't posted in months. I realize that I need to write this down, soo I can get it out of my system. Feb, on my son's birthday, he was caught during his party smoking pot by himself in his room by himself. Yeah! Found out he has opposition defiance disorder. New drugs is making life a lot easier, but it's not over. Found out I need therapy along with my son. Issues from my past has..... stunted my families growth, so to speak. Then to top it off, my daughter on Monday, said she wwants to end her life! She is beautiful and strong. The Lord has loaned out these precious children to me, and it's my responsibility to rear them in the eyes of the Lord, Spiritually, mentally and physically. I will go to heaven and hell for them to save them from their sorrows. That is my sacred duty, and my joy as being a mother! I want to save my children and be there for them! I put her in therapy immediately kicking and screaming, but after a week of being home and "healing" she realizes she does need help. Our 18th anniversary is Sat. and we were going to go to Branson till Monday, but Doc said she is too fragile that we can't leave. I don't want her out of my sight, but she says she's too scared to carry it out. She says that the only reason she didn't carry it out is because I once told her that suicide just makes it harder, it doesn't solve your problems, it only makes them harder up in heaven, and what about the people you leave behind. Would she want everyone around her to mourn her loss for years and wish that we could have done something more to save our precious gift from God? She is healing, and feeling, and crying a lot, which is good. I made her stay home all week, and now she has strep because of stress. She is a perfectionist, which is part of the problem. She is also a mother to a T! She always has been, she feels like she needs to take care of everyone's problems instead of taking care of herself. She now recognizes that and the counselor is helping her. Life is such a short time in the whole eternity process, that why end this life? God sent us here to gain bodies, and to have trials, and to see how we face our trials. God also gave my daughter on loan to us. He is her Father. And it is my sacred duty to make sure she is taught in the Way of The Lord. To make her a better person, to see that she is a Daughter of God. To see that she is not worthless. If I don't do that, then it is upon my shoulders. Logan is doing better, the Respridole is helping, he doesn't get angry so much, he can talk through his feelings instead of keep it in till he explodes. Me? I'm a work in progress! I now realize that my father verbally abused me and emotionally. I would get F's in junior high and he would say that I would never amount to anything. After My third child, who was 10 lbs, and a c-section that i looked like a hippo. Therapy is helping realize that I CAN be who I have always wanted to be, but it's hard to believe you are worth something, when you have always heard to opposite my whole life. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't always horrible, it's just those few times that I remember the most. Till the next melt down, Ta Ta for now!

Hmmmm....... I haven't been on here in a long time! I got my band in July so it's almost been a year. I have only lost 50 lbs! Not happy, but I'm also not living the "life" I should so it's my fault! Stress is a big factor, there's a lot going on in my life right now, and I just don't get in my water every day. I over eat. I know that when I get my water in, I lose more weight. I haven't exercised in a long time. I just..... can't bring myself to do that rijght now, I need to focus on my children right now!

OMG! I think I have my sweet spot! :wub: I don't come on here much anymore, but I thought I would tell all my friends who have gotten me through some rough times and I'm sure there will be more rough times ahead......THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I guess my body likes a certain number for a long time and then finally gives up the ghost and lets it go. I've realized that I just need to keep on truckin! I got my surgery July 13th and have now lost 45 lbs. That's a low number as compared to some of you, but I also realize that i can't compare myself. My body is mine and no one elses. God gave me this body and no one else! I think that's why I haven't been on here a lot. It was very frustrating reading everyones success stories and then I'm stuck! I know that's anti-social, but I have found what works for me. I have also figured out that I can't eat in the morning. I'm very tight. I drink my protein shakes and it works great. I am finally getting stuck on food! I know that's bad, but it's good for me because now I CAN'T eat my favorite foods like home made bread I just got out of the oven!:thumbup: But that's OK, I had a bite last night and that was OK with me because I knew if I had a whole piece, I would be foaming at the mouth and stuck to high heaven. I like the way I feel right now! I don't actually have that feeling like some of you, that if i take just one more bite I will throw up. But I do get full faster and stay full and satisfied longer. That too is another reason I haven't been on here. The typical for everyone is just not me! I have to find out for myself how much I can eat, how things work, just for me. Wish I was like everyone else!

OMG! I think I have my sweet spot! I don't come on here much anymore, but I thought I would tell all my friends who have gotten me through some rough times and I'm sure there will be more rough times ahead......THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I guess my body likes a certain number for a long time and then finally gives up the ghost and lets it go. I've realized that I just need to keep on truckin! I got my surgery July 13th and have now lost 45 lbs. That's a low number as compared to some of you, but I also realize that i can't compare myself. My body is mine and no one elses. God gave me this body and no one else! I think that's why I haven't been on here a lot. It was very frustrating reading everyones success stories and then I'm stuck! I know that's anti-social, but I have found what works for me. I have also figured out that I can't eat in the morning. I'm very tight. I drink my protein shakes and it works great. I am finally getting stuck on food! I know that's bad, but it's good for me because now I CAN'T eat my favorite foods like home made bread I just got out of the oven! But that's OK, I had a bite last night and that was OK with me because I knew if I had a whole piece, I would be foaming at the mouth and stuck to high heaven. I like the way I feel right now! I don't actually have that feeling like some of you, that if i take just one more bite I will throw up. But I do get full faster and stay full and satisfied longer. That too is another reason I haven't been on here. The typical for everyone is just not me! I have to find out for myself how much I can eat, how things work, just for me. Wish I was like everyone else!

Call your doctor immediately, you need a little un-fill! I had to have an unfill, then the next time, I was able to get a fill. Guess my body just didn't want it then. Slow and steady wins the race

I am the queen of not losing weight. You don't have enough restriction yet. It takes awhile to get there. What I did, is don't think of it as a long haul. You have 2 wks between fills, so think of it as, "I can do it for just 2 wks". Oiko greek yogurt is a good start. Lots of protein so it sticks with you. Drink, drink, drink! We are in this together. I can't lose weight without help!

Thank you all for your help. Your self help therapy is working!

Well, I went in for another fill yesterday. I have almost given up on this band thing. Last time I had gained 3 lbs. I loved sugar again, was eating whatever I wanted. Just like all my diets go. I go gang-busters for awhile and then get back into my bad habits. After that visit, I have gone back to having 2 shakes a day and a good meal for dinner. I didn't weigh myself because I was just too discouraged. I went in and was weighed. I lost 6 lbs! I have been up and down for a couple months. I'm 261!!!!! I'm so thrilled! I know they say to not use shakes very often, but if it works, I'm sticking to it!!!!!!!:cursing: