hunybhr

Hello, 2 years post surgery - May 1 May 07 - 247# - June 09 - 120# Can I tell you that my life changed after surgery? Almost like a 180 flip. I want to know if anyone else ever experienced this? One particular change: Before surgery - worked 2 jobs, very direct attitude, alone (without a man) - but not lonely, so what if it's not perfect, it's done... I had my days, but I enjoyed my life... Today - works from home - hardly ever venturing out due to panic attacks, and ending 2nd "marginal" relationship in 18 months, preparing for a "vacation" for a few weeks with a friend to "get my head together" and fix my aimless life. I miss the strong solid woman I used to be. Did I lose her when I lost my weight? Can anyone relate to this?

I can understand that my weight was protection for me. But, not everyone who is overweight or has been overweight has low self esteem. I always knew my self-worth, lol, some would say I value myself too much. I wasn't alone because I was a fat chick, I was alone because I didn't tolerate bad behavior or attempts at controlling me & my boys, in any way from anyone that I was dating, seeing, etc. Why did I put up with it from this person when I didn't from anyone else? As I look at the time line I can see that a lot has happened over these past couple years and a big part of it was that my boys - who were the driving force of my life - the reason I made every decision I made, even lap band - to keep my health issues from leaving them motherless. At any rate, they were the full force and focus of my life and they have both grown up (at least they think so) and moved out. My eldest, now 20, shortly before surgery and my youngest 18, within the past year. I'm thinking - and this really makes me mad now - that I allowed his bad behavior because I thought I could "mother" him into something better - that he was damaged and I could "fix" him, like my boys. I didn't go into our relationship blindly, I knew he had issues but I had never experienced this kind of relationship before BECAUSE I WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH IT. I think that when he began "acting out," which was a few months after my baby moved out I was dealing with "empty nest" issues and needing to nurture and heal, and take care of someone. So, as his emotional issues became a problem for us, instead of booting him out like I would have anyone else I thought I could help work through his problems like I did with my boys who are both ADD, but, thankfully, well adjusted members of society today. I see now as I look at that timeline and think back on these actions and issues that he played on that need because every time he got angry and threw one of his temper tantrums - never actually hitting or hurting me, but punching walls, windows, etc. I would leave. Then for days, weeks he would call, cry, tell me how much he needed me, that no one ever took care of him and loved him like me, etc. And I stood my ground - until just about the time we were both ready to let go and move on. Then I'd change my mind and go back to him with another deal, maybe if we changed this or that about our life we wouldn't have this problem, etc. Of course he'd take me back, because he loved me and needed me so much. Playing on that empty nest thing, that I really didn't realize I was going through until I really looked at how childish his behavior really was. At any rate, the biggest part of solving these kinds of problems is finding the root, or mapping the cause - How did I get here? Ok, now that I'm beginning to figure it out I can work on it and fix it. Kind of like when you get lost driving somewhere - you have to figure out how you got where you are so that you can get where you need to go. Can you tell that I've done the therapy thing before? Thanks so much for your opinions and advice and I will be around visiting the boards more often. I just didn't know where to find y'all. Doh! As tech savy as I am I never thought to search for a lap band forum where people are dealing with their life and issues after surgery. The Skinny Fat Chick

Wow! Thank you so much. I never thought of that. Ok, now that I know the cause of the anxiety, I can begin working on it. But I'm having a hard time grasping that losing my protective shell is related to choosing relationships with abusive men and putting up with things that the fat chick I used to be would never have allowed. I remember telling an old boyfriend that if he thought he could tell me who to choose for friends he need not be in my life. I was never one to let another person even attempt to control my life and when I chose to end a relationship I didn't go back. I find myself today cleaning up another mess made by and abusive man - and this time he went to jail. But this past year we have split and gotten back together so many times that I'm leaving town to spend a few weeks with my best friend until I know that I can come home without taking him back. However long it takes. I'm even thinking about looking for work there. What is wrong in my head that I have to go three states away for a while so that I won't consider taking him back. Did losing the protective shell you are talking about cause such backward decisions? How are they related?