Iam 10 months post op with the band and haven't been on this site in months. Everything going great. Was warned the mental would come and I thought NOT ME. I went from a size 18-20 to a 8-10. I was always told I had pretty hair and face!! Been over weight for the past 23 yrs of my 38 yrs of living. I was told twice this past week I had a nice butt? ONE was too my face! My poor son has everyone asking him if Iam his girlfriend! A guy he works with saw me at his work and told MY son how hot I was. My marriage is rock solid and has been for 11 yrs. BUT here comes the change. I have always been aggressive in the bedroom and now Iam thinking I was a take charge woman b/c I thought I had to be? NOT b/c it was who Iam? I told my husband a yr ago he needed to make more effort on coming up to me and showing me passion and take charge. I understand he is used to the dynamics of the relationship but so am I? BUT these feelings I have are very real, very POWERFUL. This conversation with him fell on deaf ears. We've since had it many times and each one falling on deaf ears. We talked yesterday and he says Iam distant. IAM. I will get to that in a minute. He is insecure about my new looks and the attn Iam getting. SO AM I!! I have all this attn and have no idea what the hell to do with it. It has woke up feelings inside me that I thought I didn't have. Iam craving such attn from my husband in ways that I have explicitly told him and yet it falls on deaf ears. Then I find myself getting this attn and recently started thinking I could get what I want outside the marriage. SO again I went to my husband and told him, you have to take charge a bit and ravish me b/c I want it badly enough Iam thinking about going outside the marriage to get it. Well that didn't go over very well. I told him I understand that with my physical change came the emotional change that Iam now dealing with. I too feel just as lost as he. I hate cheaters, talk badly about them and yet Iam having those very thoughts. Iam crying as I write this. Iam so ashamed. I don't want to cheat, I want my husband to change and I do understand its not easy to do so, but just a lil. I need him to show me more passion, foreplay if you will. I won't go into specifics but there is things he can be doing. I have told him these things in great detail and told him they don't have to be exact but here's an idea of what it is Iam craving, needing. JUST so he is clear. Yet here Iam, still waiting. This is why Iam distant. I just THINK. I asked him last night what was going on with him. He said he needs time. TIME FOR WHAT?? He loves me SO much, afraid of losing me, thinks Iam so beautiful. WHY can't he do this for me? Why am I craving it. It has taken over my every thought! NOW feelings are flooding me that I hate my new body. Causing problems, has turned my happy life upside down. Thrown everything and everyone off course. I sit in the local grocery store parking lot often. Just need space. I sit there and think. I have this insatiable need for a fix and can't get it. I sit in my car and listen to the radio, think, wonder what the hell is wrong with me, fantasize about some man putting his hands all over me yet I have no face or name of him, wonder why my husband can't step up, have no clue who Iam today. Ashamed for my thoughts, feelings, cravings, pissed off like you can't imgaine, find myself knowing these strange men would do to me what I crave but I don't want it from them, so what is up with my husband, Iam just beside myself. So there you have it, there's my emotional crap!! Iam prob at my lowest of lows. I tried discussing it with 2 friends. Both creamed me for the feelings. "reminded" me what a great man my husband is and how I should be grateful for him. Iam sorry I never said he wasn't great nor did I say I wasn't grateful. I hurried and smoothed it over. All is great and my fake face is really starting to hurt. SUX
