monk

:clap2: Well, I'm on my way... Surgery with Dr. Ortiz this Thursday in Mexico.I feel as ready as I think I can.Found one other person that will be there the same time I am. Anyone else? This forum is a real inspiration and makes me feel secure knowing I always have somewhere to go and share what I am going through. After reading so many stories, questions and vents it is hard to believe that I'm finally making the big move, although I am still a bit unnerved at the immensity of my decision. It's HUGE..somewhat like my thighs... Wish me luck and I will let y'all know how it goes!

Hey guys, Not gone but just soaking in all the blogs. I think that the old advise, make a list of the plus/minus of your marriage and compare makes sense. If the minus is larger than the plus than you need to rethink your situation. I have had some terrible times in my marriage and if anyone told me when the kids were younger that I would still love this guy in 10 years I would have told you that you were crazy. I always thought that once the feelings were gone they were GONE. I don't want you to think this means staying in a terrible realtionship, DON'T!. If you are unsure, make the list and see what is best for you. Being single in this day and age is scary. I worked with a "large" friend who joined different clubs and groups for larger singles and had some good results. But this IS the lap blog, what happenswhen you lose it???If your husband is that unfeeling, you will find peace just being single. Really.I really think your self worth and inner peace is what life is all about.I've been with my DH (thanks BJean) for 28 years and I am happy I didn't leave. BUT...who knows where I'd be if I did? Maybe GREAT or NOT????

I need spell check! lol Monk

I have been told multiple times to give shoulder hugs and side hugs and in your postion I have to agree. I embraced my kids head on and with a few exceptions that I cleared immediatly, none were taken the wrong way. The few that seemed sexual I slam-dunked right away and never went there again.I did let them know their response was VERY inappropriate and not appreciated. I used to say: I'm old enought o be your Granny, and at 45-50 in these families I was usually right! Welcome, I'm a newbie too!

I read on this site not to eat before a fill and my doctor says to stay on liquids for the day I get the fill, so far I don't eat the morning before a fill and stay on liqiuds the day of a fill and I've been just fine. Hope this helps, Monk

I tried to correct my spelling of hugs and just saw a full page of smiling faces. Oh Ghost and BJ, where are you when I need you? There is a storm here in Florida and I keep on losing power, so lets just call it hugs and sighs, or is that thighs? xxooME

Dear MomL: I think if my husband wanted sex 2x a week since we we younger I may have the same attitude, it was me always asking and making the first move.Soooo many rejections, arguments and tears. He knew he was not living up to what he should be and a few times he actually admitted to it. As we have grown older, my sexual feelings have changed toward him. I no longer have the sexual attraction that I had when I was young.I feel pretty confident as I've mentioned before that he has the green light to be a bit frisky because he is in the safe zone: IT'S ON ME.When you have been rejected so many times it does a real number on the ego. I have started to get the LOOK again from men as I have lost weight. Funny, isn't it? Same person, but now everyone says hi and flirts at the grocery store.Oh well, I know that was one of the reasons I gained the weight in the first place. Safety zone.It really is the only thing lacking in the relationship, we are affectionate but not intimate.I do show alot of affection though, not like I was years ago. About 10 years ago, shortly after moving to a sunny state, I started feeling good and hug and kiss friends and family all the time.My students would wait for me for their morning hug, some of these kids never experienced that kind of closeness with an adult and certainly not a white one. I was careful in the beginning not to touch the kids or get too close because of trust issues. When they would see other students interrupt my class "just to talk" and see me they developed a trust and would join the gang for hugs and support. As far as the sexual teen offenders, the statistics seem high, I hope they are right.Adult offenders rarely change their stripes.Oh well, so much for the "quick reply"! By the way, hughs and kisses to you all. Monk

I am so stupid when it comes to internet lingo! What is SIL, DH...should I be blushing?

Hey BJean, I know that I also have blocked many memories of the abuse that I went through, this is not uncommon.I also have very few memories of childhood, except for special occasions or a few of the bad ones. Funny, the medium I saw told me this. I grew up in the 70's and "self-medicated" with pot. My kids know this but I make sure I let them know, and the students who have asked that the product they have today is totally different, much stronger and generally painted ( I say tainted) with pharmacueticals. Very dangerous.I like how you handled your unexpected visit. Did your family know why? He doesn't deserve any more "sidewalk".He has obviously admitted to what happened, let them know what a dirtbag he is. Diane, thanks for your compliment, I really don't feel worthy. I do what I do because it makes me feel better, but also I feel at home with my kids.They are as much to me as the most expensive doctor would be. They know I'm flawed but love me anyway. As they say: "Ms. P.! You off the chain!" Yes I am and thats why I'm still here. I laugh all the time and find humor everywhere.

Just luv ya, thanks for the boost Nina

Diane, as I stated before, I admire your faith and I envy it. I wish "the spirit" could take to me and poof I would have your faith. Doesn't happen. I once asked a nun a lived next to (french, I could here her phone coversations on my baby moniter but couldn't understand a darn thing) how to find my faith and have her beliefs. I told her I went to church and felt like a stranger. All she said was that I was in the right place...joined a church and all they were interested in was how much money I was willing to donate.

<p>Nina and Diane, I really envy your faith but it is not something you can make up. I was raised in a church from a crib to 12th grade and was very involved.At some point in my teenage years I grew very angry that no mater how hard I prayed the terrible things just kept on happening. I've gone from being a teenage atheist to an adult agnostic.I am very spiritual and believe in an afterlife.I feel like a hypocrite in church as I do not have straight biblical beliefs.I lead a very Christian life and I know what goes down comes around.</p> In response to why we pick the men we do, I definitly picked mine because his first thought was not to get in my pants but to get to know my mind. I was so relieved to find such a person who was good looking, made me laugh and loved me just for who I was.I started to resent him after the marriage but I saw what I had and choose it. You know the old saying, you don't marry to change people into what you want them to be. Big mistake, rarely happens...

I was going to comment that a lack of intimacy in a marriage adds more pain. I do not blame myself as I was always a giving and enthusiastic person between the sheets. What makes it more hurtful for me was even though I was able to be this way with all my baggage, I was sexually rejected by my husband.At some point I just stopped being attracted to him in that way. I think: too little, too late.He seems to want to get frisky now that I can't be bothered. I did suffer greatly at first and blamed myself. Why is it that we can enjoy oral stuff but when he gets near me for straight sex the noodle is done. Very bad for the head.I DO realize it has been HIS problem but after 28 years I really don't care if he fixs it. The shoe is now on the other foot.I weigh the lack of passion against everything else we share and I would never leave him. (Or cheat for that matter)

P.S Diane: Forgive them? I don't think so....Monk

Nina: I agree that talking about our experiences does help to easen the burden. I tried twice to see a professional. The first woman I went to see took the kleenex box from next to me and proceded to cry.I didn't go back to her. The second referral I saw another woman who asked me why I had not tried to commit suicide. I didn't go back to her either. During a deep depression after the birth of my second son I called a depression hotline and they hung up on me....I actually got laughing so hard it cheered me right up.I never go into detail but am very forthcoming that I was a victim and I know it wasn't my fault. My behavior AFTER the abuse is something I still get uncomfortable even thinking about. I had an "I don't care" attitude and put myself in some terrible situations. The fact that I am still here in itself is a miracle.Overeating was my comfort zone ever since I was a child.I am so lucky to have my family and have shared my past (to a point) with them. At times I think the kids are spoiled, Ross forgot my birthday and knew I was disappointed and depressed. He come home and handed me the following poem, Life never taught us the ways of words Nor the passing of days to the eventual end Of reason or treason of family For no one can be as cruel as kin Our sin is we take you for granted As years go by we see you as an ever present being Seeing our wrongs but looking to our cores Forlorn and empty becomes the distance we set With jobs, careers and things we hold thought we held sacred Until we are thrust, back into simpler days When all it took was a story to lighten our eyes With the passing of brothers and grand elders These stories seem bleak in comparison When you know you can’t hold on to something forever Ever after and subtle laughter seem cheap and misguiding When all you want to do is crawl to the next soul mate Who has blonde hair and the presence of a goddess Just to feel closer to the one who gave you life in the first place But the substitute can never replace the first person Who you ever gazed upon And knew what it was like to be born again. I’m sorry it took me so long Ross

AWESOME! You speak for so many of us, great stuff Regina, Monk

Regina, I'd love to read your poem, please share it with us, Monk

Parts of me want to tell you to just let it go, at this stage of your life trying to bring up that kind of stuff is just toxiic. My little bro (49) told me he had memories of being in the car at the park that I used to sit in with the "perv" and it just about broke my heart. I have no memories of him being there and that's what I told him.I also told him that sometimes we live loved ones pain by wanting to "be there" with them. I kind of just made it up to keep him from delving(sp?) deeper into dark memories. What good is it to all of the sudden get that kind of sh** into his life. I have a few other poems I'll add on later to this link if others want to see them.Thanks for the compliment, they are great young men and constantly amaze us.

<p><p>First 2 things you need to know, I have a bit of OCD left from my childhood, I make the sign of a star with my pointer finger on my nails, visualize making a 6 point star and drawing it. Start at the bottom and go up/down/across/across/down. It sounds weird, just do it. I have graduated in my old age to just my 2 thumbs.. I share my past with my boys as I have told you. I also have slept with a blanket ever since I can remember. I was not allowed in my mother's room and slept alot in the wooden hallway outside of her door with a blanket. Here is one of the poems my son Ross has written to me, I think he needs to be published. (Mom here)I lost my older brother to cancer, he died in my arms You carved stars in your thumbs To numb the sense of loss of control Of a situation spiraling downward A child’s plane crashing in a hue of tears When said and done, we could waltz on The graves of the recently appalling departed Start a trend only you would know Roam to find the child you had misplaced In the space of your attic bedroom On a decaying street in Montclair As you now stare upward in the sky For the stars of pain have changed Into thousands of loving eyes peering down And the blankets you clutched in fright Have changed to the embrace of the love of your life The person who held you and rekindled a flame Long past smothered by time And from you both the seeds of a new life have sprung Blooming two roses three years apart The vines of your sons will always be there to cradle you For we cannot change the past, but can relish in the Thought of our futures Ross Purvis September 17,2005

Dear Nina, Welcome! Thanks for your response. Most of us that are abused show similar signs, low self esteem, personal abuse ie: sexual promiscuity, over eating, bulimeia, anerexia, cutting, etc. I always tended to self sabatage myself if I lost weight by eating when the scale went down. I have given my scale away. When I was a teenager I swam, on the swim team. On my own time I would do laps like crazy until I read that that was a symptom of abuse. I never wanted to be by the book.We all deal with our pain in different ways.I was bulemic for years. I decided to take control when I decided to get the lap.It is very personal to me.I chose to tell very few people but shared it with my sons. They are 19 and 22 and very supportive.They know my whole story as I have shared the pain in order to be a better parent and to explain the times I have lost it.I have always apologized if my behavior was uncalled for. THAT I never got as a kid. They understand and love me for it.I'd love to share some of my son's poetry if anyone would like to see it, Monk

I think that abuse at the hands of a family member is even more appalling than my situation. We expect our families to support and love us and so many times that is not the case. My mother did not protect me and was embarrassed by the situation. We were estanged until I was 28 and I said lets agree to disagree and try to take it from here, under the condition that we NEVER discussed my childhood or her failed marriage.We have a decent relationship and she is very good to my kids. I tell them that like Bill Cosby once said: That is not the woman that raised me! I definitely have a letter in my head for her.Touching on the porn and guns issue, I feel we as a society have been raising a very desensitized younger generation. I remember seeing my first body on TV when I was 21, just a foot on the 6 o'clock news of a body getting pulled out of the Hudson river. It was so disturbing to me that I still have a clear memory of it. Today our young people see death and guns and sex everytime they turn on the TV, see a movie or turn on the web.Video games are just a part of it. Last Friday one of my kids had a funeral, shot and tossed into a ditch right around the corner from the school. On the same broadcast I saw one of my boys on a news video robbing a store with a gun and then carjacking someone.I was told by other employees that yet another kid I had was shot in the face but is going to be fine. The one things all these guys had in commen: Poverty. No parental involvement. All of my kids brag about their guns. Its a different world out there, one that can be very dangerous.After 5 years in the classroom I was just hired to train nation wide the next batch of teachers and staff in the new alternate schools opening in the US. I had quit at the end of April, one of 2 people left in the classroom in the school after 5 years. Corporate called me a week later. I'll miss my kids but it is time to move on, it was a very emotional, stressful job and one that at times was quite dangerous. Regina, I hope your grandfather got what was coming to him and the family supported you. The toughest thing is when people don't believe you or chose to ignore the situation.

Thanks so much for your support, it really does mean alot to me.I went to see a medium about 10 days ago with a few friends hoping to see if she could connect me with my brother ( its a John Edwards kinda thing..) anyway, I had to hold her hands at the beginning and she started going a bit nuts! She said something to the effect that I had been really damaged by some people and "had my whole house knocked out from underneath me". She kept on apologizing but said that there was so much "stuff" she felt she needed to say something. Oh gee, and I thought I had my act together! She suggested writing letters to all offenders and venting EVERYTHING and then burn them. I'll get around to it. I asked her why the 22 treatment wouldn't work, ya know, just shoot them. Only kidding, really.Interesting day, I have it on tape.I wonder if she could do something about the cellulite???

I have worked for 5 years for at risk kids and I tell them my stories, not in depth but to connect. They all call me Mom and we have a deep bond, I know this is why I am here. Thanks for your caring, Monk

Hey Nume, Actually, my Brownie leader overheard some talk and contacted the police. I got in trouble and my mother never made a single follow up call to see what had happened. It was an embarrassment back in the day. At least today it's taken alot more seriously. Thanks for the welcome! Monk

Well, you guys have me hooked. I just had my 26th wedding anniversary and we stopped having sex years ago. I was what I called an "ankle biter" for sex for years, arguments and tears, fat or thin. Mine loved just oral (sorry if this offends) and I wanted your romance novel missionary experience that never happened. Have I wondered over the years if he may be gay? Yeah I have. He has never wondered and has a problem staying "excited" during normal sex. Over the last few years he has been trying a bit to reconnect but I believe it's just because he knows I really am not that interested anymore and it's "safe". I know that years of being rejected have done a real number on my self esteem, but as someone pointed out..sorry, I've been reading this thread so long tonite I have no idea who... my self esteem sucked when we were married. I was a hottie who had LOTS of baggage from childhood, no dad, sexually abused 1st, 2nd. and 3rd. grade by a friend of the cop next door. Mom worked full time and I was beaten by the women she hired to watch us. She was obese and would lock us out of the house and eat all the food my mom left for us kids and I was left to wander the neighborhood, getting saltines with a bit of peanut butter out the back door at lunch time.The perv found me at the park next door. Needless to say when I met someone that didn't want to jump in my pants it was a relief. I had no idea his libido would tamper off until it really didn't exist. He is still my best friend, we are very close, our sons are 19 and 22 and see us holding hands, laughing alot, hugging each other and having a good time. I don't want to lose him but I know I have robbed myself over the years. He is devoted and loving and kind, still calls me his baby etc. Iwas alot more pissed off when I was younger. I have lost more than my ticker says, I tried to change the darn thing and couldn't do it. I am in a size 16 loose from a 20. I threw out my scale and haven't be on one in 2 months. Thanks for letting me vent, I have not talked about this to ANYONE since I was in my thirties! As far as my close gal pals know everything is fine. By the by, I have been on Effexor for 17 years, it does change things! I tried Wellbrutamajiggi stuff and thought I was having a heart attack. Must stop babbling......:faint: