Randi L

I haven't posted for a long time, even tho I read everyones posts. I felt like I was too negative. I had a hard time, always sliming, pb'ing, not losing, having to run to throw up more often than not. Two weeks ago, I thought I was having a heart attack. I laid on my bed, thinking I was going to die. I finally called 911 - and they seemed to agree - taking me to the er, where I spent 4 days in pain, throwing up, not sleeping. The cardio unit was not savy about the band. After an upper GI, they saw I had a hernia, and contacted my lapband surgeon (he's 2 hours away). He had me transported to another hospital, where they did emergency surgery to repair the hyatel hernia, and he removed the band. So, my ride is over. I feel full of failure, fear of what the costs will end up being, depressed, and angry. No need to reply to this, as I'm not going to continue reading the posts. I wish you all well, and hope your health will be good as you continue your journey. Be careful ~ take good care.

Barb465: That link you posted hit me square dead in the head. I was not doing 8 out of the 10 things. I can complain all I want about how miserable the time has been, but the truth makes me see: I'm not doing enough, and in some cases doing too much. I have come to view my band as an enemy. It's time to make peace with this thing, and do what I was told to do. Thank You for posting that link.....

Hi Girls... If there's one thing I know from reading the threads, is that everyone is welcome to everything. Welcome to say how they feel, what they think, and how different people share so many similar things. Nothings ever been done or said to personally attack, not include, or make someone feel bad. We all have one common thread - we've all been thru the roller coaster ride that is a lapband. I may not post as much as I used to, but I do continue to read the June thread - with envy at some of your weight loss - and with happiness that it does work for so many people. I really do have empathy for so many of you, and you're the only ones I can feel that way about - because I don't know anyone in "the real world" that's been thru WLS - the procedure has bonded us in a way that's bigger than a trip, bigger than so many things, but one thing it's not bigger than - we are ALL together in this. February is my odd month, shorter, with Valentines Day - and the after affects of all the holidays. Also, I'll be 56 later this month, and I had hoped that I would have lost so much more weight, and with typing that, I realize there is so much more I can do to get back on track. I need to drink more Water, I need to push harder when I walk, and I need to reconsider how I've been eating. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Diet and exercise. What a pain.

I get peeved when I read the boards and see all the success stories, with great big weight loss, good control, and without all the drama. I feel happy for the person, but jealous. Grrrrrrrrr.

Is it our age that prevents us from doing better? It almot seems like the higher weight you are in the beginning, you take off the most quickly. Having an unfil is an option. I'm trying to let things simmer down, doing the protein, jello, snapple.. trying to let myself heal. I'm not sure when I can go see him again - not till the 8th or so. Perhaps I will have relaxed a bit by then, we'll see. I need a goal - besides trying not to lose more hair RandiL

When I read all the posts, I have to laugh. I thought this "tool" was supposed to help us learn how to get food out of our heads - and find the person that's been buried down inside. Instead, it's all "fills" "unfills" "sliming" "esophagus" and knowing just how many cc's are in our bands, and the odd looks we get when we gurgle. Burping becomes a way of life. Eating junk food is easier than eating protein. <why is that crap in the house at all?> The people who have done well enough to have before and after photo's keep us thinking about being an after. Those of us who keep falling down, feel as if we've failed at another "diet" When I think about the quantity of food I used to inhale <including salads and vegetables - it's not about sweets for me> I keep thinking I should have lost 100 pounds by now, given the limited amount of anything that I can keep down... it's a joke!!! I find myself wishing I hadn't told anyone about it, so that others expectations wouldn't influence how I feel. I've considered having the band removed. But who wants to go in to the hospital and go thru all that again? Never mind the costs! To those of you who are enjoying big weight losses BRAVO! To those of you who are having problems - I am you! To all of us, I wish we could find some peace with this, and we didn't have to be so compulsive about food, diets, fat, any of it. Ahhh my sistahs, life is too short to live it this way - or the other way. randi

It's been a while since I posted, but I've been reading the thread for the June Bandsters. It's been 7 months since I was banded. Had I known what this was really like, I wouldn't have done it. Granted, I'm not the perfect bandster, and have had some real ups and downs in the last 6 months - including having all my teeth pulled and getting dentures... meanwhile, at 38 pounds lost, I have NO energy, my hair is falling out, and I am SO TIRED of sliming, of burping, of farting, and of having to run to throw up. I eat tiny bites, I don't drink water with meals, I do protein first, and I throw up at least once a day. Eating in the morning is impossible. I was told to continue protein shakes - just to get some protein in. I have had 2 fills. The first one was 4cc, and then 2 weeks ago he added 1.25 - in a 10 size band. I, like many of you, can't even get water down without the gurgling. It's hard to talk about this with anyone. It was all just supposed to work out. I was supposed to continue to lose weight, and have the joy that comes with changing my life for the better. Instead, I went out with my family to celebrate an occasion - and ended up in the bathroom 3 times, running to slime/hurl in to the trash cans. They all give me "that look" and I end up feeling humiliated, and will refuse to go out anymore. Today, anything I have tried to get down has come back up. I feel achey, tired, old, and hopeless. You can all tell me you're here to support me, and each other - and I honestly appreciate having a safe place to come and discuss what's going on, but all the good wishes don't help when I'm looking in the mirror, seeing no change - other than thinning hair. Feels just like all my other failures have.

Buffets are wonderful. All that food. New plates. Having anything you want in any amount. The thought of it gets me excited. Then I think about how much I overate, and I laugh at the thought of a buffet ever being more important than my health. While I am a slow loser, and have had many second, third, fourth thoughts about "why did I do this" I can also remember, after eating way too much at some buffet thinking "why did I do that"

If you have to ask, if you have to think about it and have doubt, if you need someone elses approval..... you already know the answer.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! That is AMAZING!!!!!!! Now, PLEASE - tell us what you are doing,,,,, what you eat, and how much exercise - SHARE what's working for you, so that those of us that are not having that kind of success, can see what to do! THANKS!!!!

I haven't posted in a long time. I haven't been in to read posts in a long time - probably five weeks or more. I'm another one that lost well in the first month, and now I've been at the same weight- going up and down 5 pounds, for 2 months. I'd love to know what you are doing that you have had such success at losing - I mean 70 pounds is so great! I guess, because of the problems I've had, lots of pb's, sliming, throwing up, burping, farting, and not being able to eat much of anything ... I don't think I would do it again. I guess I need a fill, but I'm not hungry, and I fill up fast. This feels like all my diets have felt. Like I failed. I walk every day - 3 times - with my dog. I know some of what I'm doing wrong, not enough Water, etc ,,, but I don't really know why I'm not doing well. Makes me sad

Sometimes, I am simply amazed at the number of pounds some of you have lost in a brief amount of time. I was banded June 20th, and have hovered around the 40 pounds off mark for over a month now. I'm not happy with that, and probably need a fill - but if I eat a little too much now, I still throw it up - so I think I'm still restricted. Maybe I'm not. I don't think I really know anymore. While I try to only eat Protein, and still drink protein, the numbers don't move. It's frustrating because I do walk every day 3 times, for 40 minutes. I guess I need to add more Water - but I drink 60 oz now. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. :success1:

Randi... So YOU'RE the reason why I couldn't just get the name Randi.!!!! Do you like your name? I've never liked mine.

Thanks for all the encouraging words Gals. I appreciate it. I went out to lunch today with my niece, and at the first bite that made me burp I stopped eating. Brought home 3/4 of what I ordered - salad. It was balsamic chicken... and I was chewing. chewing. chewing. I'm starting to care so very little about food. I'm not giving up, or in, and I'm going to try not to vent all the bad as much. Happy October!

I'm so sorry. I know it's easy for others to tell you to do this or that. You don't feel good. Physically or emotionally I had an infection that developed a few weeks after my surgery. My doctor said "it'll go away" and I ended up on antibiotics for 14 days. It made me so tired, I had no energy, I slept, I didn't eat - because everything came back up. I felt I had made such a mistake. I'm terrified of Mexico, so it was never an option for me. I've also read others posts where they've had a hard time finding a doctor to do fills. But, I don't think it's reasonable for the doctor down there not to have any record of you at all. What a terrible pain to have to deal with all this, feel lousy, and not feel it's working. Without insurance, it must seem hopeless to you. But the thing is, there are hospitals that HAVE to give you help. They take payments, and over time - maybe you'll be able to pay them. I think you need to research who does do the surgery near you, and perhaps they can figure out how you can get a fill. I'm so, so sorry.

First of all, we're women. WE CRY! Secondly, you've done it. You wanted it, fought for it, and now you have it. Isn't that the way we are with most things we want? It's not a magic pill - no matter what anyone says. It's still hard - it's still diet and exercise - something we never did well before. Cry all you want. A part of you is gone. Change it hard. Fear of what's going to happen is hard. Tears are good for your face, they moisturize. You'll get thru this. A day at a time. An hour, a minute. Suddenly you'll be on the other side - and telling someone who's crying, it'll be ok.

You are SO not alone. If I didn't have my dog that I have to walk, I seriously doubt I would get out of bed at all. I hate the fact that when I try to eat healthy, I throw it up - but when I eat junk, it goes down fine. I hate not knowing why the band is so difficult, and doesn't work faster, but I know it's my fault. It's always been my fault. It's always been hard and depressing. Letting the house go is a symptom of your depression/bi-polar. Sometimes, you just have to ask for help... and perhaps instead of your mom asking how you got this way, she could help you get it together. Your meds will help PLEASE PLEASE get them. Nothing is possible when we're deeply depressed. The manic states don't help us to live with any sanity. Starting the band and school was probably not good timing, and you should let them know you can't continue - and have them postpone your hours... so that you can get yourself back together. Not going at all only makes you feel worse about yourself. I know it's not just losing weight that makes it all better, even tho we feel like that's the magic ring to grasp. I hope you will get your meds, give yourself time for them to "kick in" and try to do one thing a day. Force yourself, to put your clothes away. To take a walk. To take your shower. Do the dishes, let the Water and soap wash some of your tears away. Try to take 5 minutes To care about yourself. And keep posting - keep letting it out... and I know many others will be here for you too. We are, after all, sisters in this struggle. ******

Question: if you knew then, what you know now, would it matter? Unless you want to go thru the pain of another surgery to have the band removed, you're as stuck as a pb. I took a pill about an hour ago, and have been burping for an hour now. I am no longer willing to go out to eat, because I always end up running to throw up. If I could eat, 3 small meals a day - I'd be happy. As in every other diet, some get it, and lose, and some don't. I thought the band kind of guaranteed a win. Perhaps only gastric gives the weight loss I need.

Yes, obsessed. That was wrong. This was good. Shoulda, Woulda Coulda. Not hungry, still throw up, hovering around the same weight. Being obsessed about eating is what got us here. Why should we expect that to go away - just because we have a band?

I haven't posted for a while. It seems I've spent 3 months now, running to hurl up food. I hover around my original weight loss, go down a few, then back up. My energy level is absent in the morning. It's like I don't really "wake up" till 3pm - which is when I go out to walk. I think your pics look great - I like the blonde hair! Love the toes! Barbara, at this point, I have no idea what restriction really is either. I am not hungry, and when I do eat, it's not much, and when I don't eat, I hear rumbling, but don't feel bad. I read the posts for hope. I don't see myself doing well, even though I know, it all takes time.

I am now wondering what true restriction is. I know that I can't really eat anything till the late afternoon, and have been depending on protein drinks for breakfast and lunch. I know that I have gone out to eat a few times, and have ended up running to the bathroom to throw up. I know that tonite, I had soup. It's come back up, and I'm tired of always having to throw up. Losing that weight is the almighty goal, but not feeling well, and not having energy at times, is not what I wanted at all.

Today, for the very first time, I had lunch out, and had coffee before the meal. I was having 1 egg, with a thin slice of ham, cottage cheese. I took maybe 4 bites, and knew I was going to throw it up, and I did. I sat back down, had some Water - ate a few more bites, and up it came. I normally do not eat before meals, or during meals, and I wait till after. Today showed me, to continue NOT to.

I'm happy to report, I had a barium swallow, and a hamburger swallow <that had barium on it> and I was fine with both, finally. I'm walking more, have more energy, and feel better. I'm unhappy to report, I've been told I have to have all my upper teeth pulled out. It's expensive, it's scary, and I can't imagine getting thru this. I am terrified. So I'm back on antibiotics, have different kinds of pain pills, and I'm going to try not to get stressed until they put me out.

I adored him. There was a time when I was bedbound by depression, and he was the only person that could make me laugh. I admired his warrior persona, and the way he educated, inspired, and cared for animal conservation. Terri had to know that someday - he would die in a tragic way - and at least he went fast, without having some fatal disease, medication that interfered with his lifestyle. Bindi will have the most difficult time. She was his clone, and her love for him was so huge - all the time they spent together, and his larger than life global appreciation. She's only 8 - and this is a terrible thing for her. Baby Bob is only 2 1/2, and was just starting to share in the adventures. I will miss him, the rest of my life. I thank him for the Joy he brings to my life - and for making me aware of so many animals out there in the world. Rest in Peace Steve - knowing you changed the world.

My appointments tomorrow start with a barium swallow, my first. Then to my surgeon. Don't know if I'll get a fill - didn't know I was going to get one when he did it the first time. I do seem to have protein shakes and soup more than solid foods - so I'm not doing this right. I went out the other night and had to run to the bathroom after a few bites, then again after another few bites. I have no problem with crackers. I've recently had chicken/salad and it stayed down. Weight loss has been slower than I thougt - given what I'm eating/not eating. I walk a lot - 2 1/2 miles, 3 times a week, and 1+ every day as well. I have no idea what the band is or isn't doing for me, except I'm rarely hungry, and I'm always aware that I can't just "eat". I am terribly sad about Steve Irwins death. It reminds me to live life today, as I tend to let days overlap without really living them.