rachnett

7/28/09 I must hate myself. Right? why else would I do this to myself. I’m like a fast food junkie. This must be what it feels like to be hooked on crack. Always thinking about your next hit and where it’s going to come from. The moment I feel a twinge of lunch-time hunger I’m all about where I’m going to snag my next “hit”. Then I eat and for about 30 seconds I enjoy it right before the guilt sets in. Then about 10 minutes later I feel terrible. Bloated and full and yucky, which just accentuates the guilt. And the cycle continues…I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do. I’m actually to a point where I’m going to have a doctor surgically restrict my stomach capacity. Oh God please don’t let me fail. This is like my only chance. All I have to do is follow the rules. I try so hard to be optimistic and not think about the possibility of failure but it’s there. In my head, it’s there. That voice, that sounds oddly like my mothers, saying “why bother, you’re not going to be able to follow the rules.” Am I in denial because I’m not allowing myself to really even think about the possibility of failure or is that what I’m supposed to do? If the root cause is self hate then really will the surgery even work? Have I been fooling myself all these years into thinking I liked myself? I’m mean really I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do….

7/28/09 I must hate myself. Right? why else would I do this to myself. I’m like a fast food junkie. This must be what it feels like to be hooked on crack. Always thinking about your next hit and where it’s going to come from. The moment I feel a twinge of lunch-time hunger I’m all about where I’m going to snag my next “hit”. Then I eat and for about 30 seconds I enjoy it right before the guilt sets in. Then about 10 minutes later I feel terrible. Bloated and full and yucky, which just accentuates the guilt. And the cycle continues…I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do. I’m actually to a point where I’m going to have a doctor surgically restrict my stomach capacity. Oh God please don’t let me fail. This is like my only chance. All I have to do is follow the rules. I try so hard to be optimistic and not think about the possibility of failure but it’s there. In my head, it’s there. That voice, that sounds oddly like my mothers, saying “why bother, you’re not going to be able to follow the rules.” Am I in denial because I’m not allowing myself to really even think about the possibility of failure or is that what I’m supposed to do? If the root cause is self hate then really will the surgery even work? Have I been fooling myself all these years into thinking I liked myself? I’m mean really I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do….

So tell me about the stuff you have to drink when you have a fill?? i have a low gag point and don't do well with yucky stuff... (currently things like protein drinks and jello fall onto my yucky stuff list, lol! )

i'm in the midst of day two of my pre op clear liquid diet. so far so good. i would feel tons better if i could take a little something for this headache but i'm not suppose to.... i'm actually doing ok not eating, my problem is going to be getting in any protien because i can't stand any of the shakes or drinkes or anything... yuck!

i just got a date of 8/21 today!! YEAH!!! i'm so excited. not really even nervous about it yet, just ready to get going!!!

I just wanted to say hi! I started the process in February with a seminar and my consultation. My insurance (BCBS anthem) requires a 6 months medically supervised diet, i've got two months done, 4 to go!! My primary care doctor has been incredibly supportive and encouraging with this diet. My head has not been so supportive though. Ever since i uttered the word diet it seems my food cravings have gone into over load. Kind of like an oppositional diffiance disorder, lol. I kid but it sucks. I know I HAVE to get these cravings under control. I'm embarssed to admit that fast food seems to be my down fall lately. Before I could go weeks without even thinking about it. now it's like I can't drive by without finding myself sitting in the drive thru. What do you do to curb this? My doc is switching my anti anxiety meds hoping that will help. I have my psych evaluation this week and plan on talking to her about it also. I'm so ready to be banded. I'm not scare of the proceedure, or the liquid diet before and after, i'm not scare of feeling hungry but i'm very scared of head hunger. of not being able to control that.... so I have 4+ months to get my head in order... any advice?