BeacheeGirl

Bummer, I'll be there beginning of December, not New Years though. We'll be at Sandal's....BTW - My hubby is from the Boogy Down Bronx!

Yup, yup, Poodles...told my husband basically the same thing as you. He's more worried I will cheat though. His first marriage his wife cheated on him with his cousin/best friend. He was devastated and he was sooo faithful. He said he can't ever do that to someone else, it hurt too much. He thinks I'm gonna be way too fly when I lose all my weight and that I'm gonna find someone else. He met me when I was a size 14 and now I'm a size 16/18 so he is fine the way I am but understands I want to lose weight but he is so worried about me losing my T & A, lol! But no matter, what I always handle my biz in the bedroom because I don't ever want to give him a reason - should he feel so inclined. I am kind of worried about a midlife crisis though. He will be 40 in January and he looks 25. I've heard of men just going crazy at that mid-life time and I hope it doesn't happen. I kind of think he is going through one now cuz he is so into dressing young and hip-hopish. All he wears is BAPE, Sean John, Evisu, Timberland, etc. The TV's in his truck and all the BOOM, make me laugh so hard cuz I'm like deezamn, babe, when ya gonna act ur age. Is it necessary for everyone to hear your music too??? But, ya never know. I think most men ALL cheat and it's very rare that they don't. Hopefully, I found a rarity but you never can be too careful. I monitor closely his cell, text msgs, etc....(He don't know it, but I sure do). I will never, ever play the fool :confused:

I had a bite of some last night. My hubby makes the BEST homemade kind with sooo much cheese. It went down fine.

:kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2: Kisses Niche! Thank you. Yeah, I'm one of those peeps that wears her heart on her sleeve. My friends are always telling me I am TOO honest. But, I can't lie and I can't act like someone I'm not. I can however, HIDE things I am ashamed of, like this little situation I'm dealing with. I not only love HIP HOP but I LOVE, LoVe, love, the 80's baby! I used to be so into depeche mode, the cure, etc. My first concert was New Order. My husband is always like, how do you go from Dead Prez to My Chemical Romance to Lenny Williams. Your iPod library is crazy! In fact, I used to dye my hair pink, black, white, you name it. My sense of what I like in fashion, music and people is very eclectic. I like people that aren't too boogie, and if they are, they have to know they are and be able to laugh at themselves because I will FOR sure make fun of them. One of my best friends is sooo loyal and I love her to death, but that girl cannot dress or get a good weave to save her life. But, she is soooo funny and so 'off' like me that we have been best friends since 12th grade. Then my other best friend is gorgeous, ex-model, ex-wife of a very famous r&B producer and guys drool all over her wherever we go and she really is a gold digger, but, she admits it and we laugh all the time and have grown so close since we met 3 years ago. In fact she's getting married in Jamaica where she's from in December and I'm gonna be in her wedding. I've never been to Jamaica and I'm so excited and really hope I get VERY thin b4 that. There I go rambling from one subject to another.....:help: :faint: :nervous :clap2:

:mad: My fill hasn't restricted me but I'm trying to eat just bits because where I'm from we have Fiesta once a year and celebrate Old Spanish Days. It is very important to us hispanics in my community. I recently ran into one of my old friends from a fraternity my 1st love was in - Q-dogz Omega Psi Phi! My first love was soooo sweet to me and we stayed in touch for about 10 years before finally losing touch. He invited me to a Fiesta Party where all the old peeps from our group will be there - including some Kappa's, Sigma and Alpha's. It would really be nice to see some of them including one of the Delta girls I was really good friends with when I was younger. I haven't seen anyone since my mid-twenties and when I was a size 7/9. I really hope I lose a lot of weight b4 then, I don't want everyone to be like "DAAAMMMMn girl, you blew up!". LOL....we'll see. I'm gonna work out every day this week. Crossing my fingers.

I've actually thought about that Niche. Perhaps I am running from something. That's a point I should bring up with my counselor. Although, nothing would ever tear me away from my husband - when I see him, I don't see color, I just see LOVE. Maybe because I was molested by an Asian man that I found black men the FARTHEST from that race - so no reminders of that incident. I really don't know though. All I know is I love my husband and my son and daughter and wouldn't trade them for the world :- ) Although I did have issues with my family and some of their ways of raising us and I had to leave home young - the one thing they didn't teach me was racism. My parents are an interracial couple and we always had many, many friends around that were different nationalities. I never thought twice when I met my sons father of bringing him home to meet my family. They have never even mentioned anything to me about my choices. They love my son and my husband like they do all their son-in-laws and grandkids. Divanita - Glad you like me :confused: I'm such a crazy dork though most of the time. I always make fun of myself and I'm such a goofball if you knew me. Where do you live?

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

I was Internet browsing/shopping today and I found this site that has CUTE plus size clothes....here's the link: www.alight.com

I'm doing okay. I talked to a therapist (thanks to your research) and I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon. I am trying to keep busy. I swim and go to the gym a lot, weekdays are fine, weekends are the hard time. My mood right now is glum, but that's part of being crazy, one minute I'm up, one minute I'm down. The interesting things about my counselor is she specializes, in interracial relationships. That's a hoot because that's what me and hubby are. In fact I have never, ever dated a white man. Just not attracted to them (BORING). And, when my family abandoned me when I was a teenager the only people that accepted me were my black friends and family. I'm hispanic and white myself...but have never felt "part" of any community but my black family. In high school people used to tease me about being a N#$#$ lover but it never bothered me really (I just felt sorry for them because they are missing out). Now I run into those same people here and there and they are all into rap and stuff, very funny to me. In fact, one girl who was mean to me and always made fun of me and talked so much ish when I got pregnant with my son and married his father, actually came up to me at a bar a few years ago and said "omg! guess what! I DATE BLACK GUYS NOW! We should hang out" - I just laughed and walked away. This is a lilly white girl who would never, ever, bring a black man home but turned out she was slumming for a few years and I hear she just married a white guy. See, my moods, I go on a tangeant and I just ramble and ramble and ramble. LOL, it was funny though thinking about that stuff.

So many good points. I can take both points of view no problem I AM not sensitive in the least. I have very thick skin and I'm very goofy and I probably make more fun of myself then anyone could EVER do. Don't ever, ever worry about offending me. You would have to talk bad about my kids or something like that to bother me. 3 Loves - I think the spirit did move you to take those notes for me. I need spiritual counsel. I can't go back to my old church. It's very complicated. But, I need to work on my Bible personal study. I'm not sure what scripture it is but this haunts me all the time "Faith without works is dead". I'm dead. Leila, my husband is an atheist and we manage to co-exist together quite well. I love him dearly. While I pray for God to move his heart to accept God, my husband plays to the Buddha Bud gods for me to shut the hell up! LOL. I definitely can appreciate your points of view as well. I wonder what it would be like sometime to have no accountability to God. My husband is living proof though that you CAN live your life well and be a good person without HIM. While I know in my heart that he would find God a great source of comfort, I never try to push him, but if he asks me questions I answer. My husband is seriously so kind and thoughtful all the time and I love him for that. Divanita - THANK you. I was googling earlier and I was having trouble finding the right results and knowing which keywords would bring up the most choices for me. Leenerbups - so you are bi-polar too? No wonder I feel drawn to you. I LOVE your sense of humor. Your sig is too funny. That was one of the best SNL skits with Will Farrel. I bought the Best of DVD of Will. Side splitting funny.

Thanks for the love - lord knows I need it. I feel so alone sometimes with the voices in my head (not real voices, I'm crazy but not that crazy) Just the voices of my conscience. Is that # anonymous? I really want to find the right therapist, i do, i do, i do. I am just so scared of the mood stabilizing drugs. I don't want to sabotage the weight loss. I want to feel good about my appearance (selfish, ha?) I have sooo many issues, I am one sick puppy. Childhood molestation, teenage rape, abuse, etc. I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg. Am I really bi-polar or did my mind just freak out because of what has happened to me. It's probably real as I hate to admit it though. My uncle is Schizophrenic and my Aunt and Grandfather are both bi-polar.

Thank you. I do have good insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO. Money is not an issue. My husband does know, he is the only one. Sometimes it is HIM that wants to party. He is a total recreational user, not an addict like me. He could care less about drugs. I'm usually the instigator though. He doesn't understand why I care more about it then him. What he is not casual about is Marijuana, he smokes all day EVERY day. This however, is NOT an issue for me. I don't smoke weed, don't like the way it makes me feel. I like the mind altering hallucogenics, give me Ex, Shrooms, Acid, Coke any day. (I am scared to death of meth though). I should be just as scared of these other drugs. When I look at all of the responses it seems like I really am self-medicating. I need to get my moods under control. Aaarrgghhh! I wish I could connect more to those that go to my church. I miss my old congregation I grew up in (different city) I felt so connected and loved there. How can someone that loves God and prays as much and has as much religious guilt as I do simply keep making bad decisions? Isn't there a point where God is just like 'you know what, i am tired of you!'??? You keep saying your sorry but all thoughts of me go out the door when you want to get high'???? If I were God I would be so sick of me. Why can't I have self-discipline? Why can't I just take myself to church when I should? Why am I so quick and alert to party but when it comes to going to a church meeting at 7:30 pm I am 'too tired'? I really, really hate myself sometimes...I need to grow the F*&( up and stop having a pity party. Grow a back bone, muster up some strengh, put other peoples interest in front of my own...

Hey, try this stuff if your looking to swallow something and not get something poked up your bumm...I LOVE this stuff. It's called Oxy Powder, here's a link to the testimonials... http://oxypowder.com/#testimonials You definitely want to be near a bathroom, but, I've taken it and gone to work no problem. I usually start it on a Friday night because the first few days tend to 'eliminate' the most. Also, taking high doses of Magnesium tends to do the same thing - to liquify everything in the colon and help get rid of it. IMHO - I ain't no doctor but just telling you from experience what's up with my results.

Thank you for the support. I just took a really long nap (tired from being up all night on ecstasy :-( - Well in that time I took the suggestion of Leila and researched a counselor that may be able to help. We've been playing phone tag....we'll see. I got quite a few pm's too and I am surprised that I am not the only one struggling with this issue like Leenerbups said she had read in that article...there are more of us on this board and I am soooo glad some of them shared with me there struggles as well. I feel like such a weak loser. But I HATE taking meds for my mood swings. I know that I need to though but I am avoiding it as long as possible. I rapid cycle my mood changes and I think that 'edge' is part of what makes me - ME (the bad and the good). I would really, really, really like to learn how to treat this without drugs. I have reduced my Effexor as much as I can (down to 75 mgs a day). I would get off of it entirely if the withdrawals weren't so horrible. I digress - I think what I am trying to say is that I am willing to try a counselor - but not willing at this point to get other meds. This may be totally stupid but I got SOOO FAT on those other meds and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat. I CANNOT and WILL NOT do that again - at least at that point. We'll see what this therapist says. I may go to a na meeting at some point, but that terrifies me. I think I just need to talk to someone. I just wish that loving my children and God were enough. I've lead such a fast paced exciting life that now it just seems boring. I am not a domestic goddess and I don't simply find joy in cleaning, cooking, etc. It's those Friday and Saturday nights that call me out. I've ate, exercised, watched TV and then Boom! I get that little feeling and make a call. My best friend moved a year ago and I haven't really connected with anyone else and don't really know how or where to find friends now that I'm older. I really, really could use a friend to hang out with. I also, avoid making friends because I feel so fat and ugly right now too. I love God and I pray all the time. But because of my continuous mistakes I feel like such a hypoctire and avoid going to church. When I do go, I come and leave quickly so I can avoid talking to anyone. Who would understand? Women my age are so into their families and are so goody, goody. I belong to a religion who's doctrines a lot I agree with but they aren't so understanding to repeat sinners. Wow, I'm such a piece of work, aren't I?

I guess I do need help. I mean I know I need help. Quit cold turkey by myself the first time around. I like this "anonomys" board but I am really scared about honestly talking to a live person. Nobody knows this problem I'm having again. I have kept it totally hidden. I guess I can look up counselors. I have good insurance. It's just so hard to get on the road to recovery again. I'm so depressed, just want to go to sleep. Oh, did I also mention I'm bi-polar? I only take Effexor - no mood management drugs because I feel that is part of what got me fat - Lithium, Depakote, etc.

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

Got first fill today 1.5cc. It was a piece of cake! Also got a B-12 shot. The best news is that I am down 14 lbs!!!!!!

today i decided to actually write down what i have been through and how i've overcomed so i can see that i really, really have overcome some hard times and being overweight and getting healthy is my next hurdle to overcome. I started supporting myself and working at 14, I was fiercly independent. Had a loving family, however, they were very strict religiously and me being the oldest of 3 girl, I was often severly punished, borderline abusive. I decided to get my own apartment with a friend of mine, had already bought my 1st car and ran away from home at 16 (actually, just left a note saying I wasn't coming back and told them where to find me if they needed me and they chose to let me stay on my own). Was very, very wild, did everything I never was allowed to do at home. Drank, slept around, experimented with drugs....Met my 1st husband at 17, married him about a year later when I was 4 mo's pregnant. Had my darling baby boy at 18 and vowed to show him so much love he wouldn't know what to do with it. Unfortunately, my husband started to abuse alcohol and crack cocaine and once I figured this out, it was too late. When he was high he would hit me, throw things at me, strangle me, do so many humiliating things that after trying to leave him for years I finally succeeded. Stayed in battered womens shelter with baby till i could find place of my own. Husband continued to stalk me and anyone I dated he would beat up or intimidate them. Starting coming to my job threatening to kill me and to kill my co-workers and company got police involved and he began to chill out. Then he started again, calling me telling me he new where I lived and was going to shoot up my house or bomb it. Finally, he went to jail. I moved home for a while, but my religious parents kicked me out of the house because I would go hang out with friends or go to the club and drink with my friends. Once they kicked me out (they kept my child, which I didn't fight at the time, because I was so tired and trampled I just wanted to worry about me for a while - which was horrible, selfish and completely unfair to my baby but I was 21 and stupid). My life became all about drinking and going clubbing all the time, left child a lot with parents. Started to get my shit together at 22 then went to prison for a year because of drug smuggling for the Jamaican mafia (don't ask!?!) an airplane with a 100 lbs of weed (stooopid choice). I had had a job and everything but my partying and care of my son was cutting into my budget and I insanely thought I could get away with doing this outrageous act! Prison was so difficult as I was in a city where I knew no one and I DESPERATELY missed my child and was so ashamed of what I had done. I had never even had a ticket and it was such a crazy time in my life. I got out of prison and got my child back, got on welfare, got section 8 housing. Soon I found a a job paying $7 hr it was very difficult because I tried to be honest at first on applications asking if I had ever been convicted of a felony. Then, I got a better job paying about $15 hr. I was able to get off welfare and get my own apartment no longer on public housing at 25. Then life came crashing down around me again. The company I was working for got shut down and I stupidly started selling crack (another great decision) then I started doing it myself! How could I do this after seeing my ex-husband and so many friends become so sad and drug addicted and lose any semblance of the person they were before? Why on earth would I do that to my child after having already went to jail and stay away from him for a year? Why would I take a risk like that? I have so, so much guilt and anguish over this and to this day I apologize to my son on the regular. My only guess is that I had not yet been diagnoed with being bi-polar and I was making crazy, crazy decisions with horrible repercussions. So, eventually I was addicted and spent a year doing crack, trying to hide it from my friends and family. It was the worst year of my life. I woke up one day and prayed to God for help, I just knew I couldn't do this to my son or myself. I quit cold turkey, and at 26 moved to new city with my child where my best friend was. She helped me greatly I love her and we are friends to this day (since high school!) Eventually, I met a man that was a few years younger then me and got into relationship with him that was full of ups and downs, hot and cold and I was so in love with him. I had dreams of marrying him one day, unfortunately, he did not love me as much as he loved his burgeoning rap career and his record label and his groupies (imagine that!) this relationship ended abruptly after a few years, worst heart break of my life, some of the worst pain I had ever felt and ate until I got fat. I then worked my up from a customer service position to doing sales for this .dotcom company. Eventually, I was making $50,000 a year - I thought this was sooo much money, and for me, it really was. I was finally able to really take care of me and my son the way I always wanted to. Fast forward to 29, met love of my life, he proposed after 3 mo's and got married 3 mo's later (now getting even fatter). At 31 I decided I wanted more of a challenge and felt I could make even more money and there was really no where to grow at my job. I applied, interviewed and was hired at another .dotcom and this has been my employer for the last 3 years. I now make around $120,000 + a year. ME, I did it, I actually made a success out of my life after all of that. I also bought my first house at 33... all this and never graduated from high school and never went to college, grew up in a poor burt loving family - beans and rice and top a ramen were normal meals. I was also sexually molested, me and my sisters were by a family friend for years when were were young, but that is another story. I was raped several times in teens and early twenties, yet, i still moved forward. Now 34, married almost 4 years (still in love), son is 15, raised a great, smart, loving, moral MAN and raising a lovely young 16 yr old step-daughter whom i adore. i'm loyal to my friends, and my husband. i'm smart, funny and will be pretty again once i lose 60 l bs. I CAN DO THIS! Oh, yeah and now I quit smoking which I have been trying to do since I was 17! Sometimes you actually have to write down and look at things in your life to learn from them, let go of them and forgive yourself. I'm so glad all of this is ANONYMOUS!

Hi Melissa, I was worried about the same thing because it seems like my port 'moves around'. It used to be so thick I thought I could feel it under the incision, but now it seems to the right of the incision. So, today I had my 1st fill and the doctor said that it seems like it moved because the incision is thinning out and not so thick and there is nothing to worry about. I heard a little 'pop' and he said my band was bone dry so gave me a total of 1.5 cc. Made me drink 3 glasses of Water and that was that! I have lost a total of 14 lbs in 3 1/2 weeks. I am so happy!

Got first fill today 1.5cc. It was a piece of cake! Also got a B-12 shot. The best news is that I am down 14 lbs!!!!!!

Got on scales and weight is moving again. It was stuck for a while. I lost 10, then gained back 3, then lost 4 so now I am down 11 lbs. I go for my first fill today!

Hi everyone, I've been discouraged too about weight loss because I lost 10 lbs almost immediately, then would gain 3, lose 2, etc. Well I hired a Personal Trainer (got a good deal at my gym) and now the weight loss is moving again. I also drink a ton of water everyday. I've lost another 3 lbs so with the weight loss and gain's I think I'm about 12 lbs down. My doctor fit me in for an early fill so I am off to see the wizard today. I understand he is very conservative with fills so I will keep y'all posted. Congratulations to ALL of you. From what I hear, this is a very frustrating time for a lot of bandsters, so hang in there. I know in a few month's we will ALL be closer to our goals.

I'm in! Need to lose 24 lbs to get there. Getting first fill today, fingers crossed!

Got on scales and weight is moving again. It was stuck for a while. I lost 10, then gained back 3, then lost 4 so now I am down 11 lbs. I go for my first fill today!

Wow, let us know! I have a 10cc band and am scheduled for 1st fill end of July. I'm nervous cuz right now I can eat anything...