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Thank you to everyone for the prayers and kind words on my dad. I knew this was coming but I doesn't seem to make it easier. I guess I had myself convinced that the cancer would just be a chronic problem not a death sentence. Dad's quality of life stinks, he can't do any of the things that he wants. So I guess this is the better road, if that is possible. When the end comes it is going to fall on me to take care of things, and I just don't know if I'm up to it. Mother keeps saying things like....you are going to have to be the one who get's me through this. Heck I'm not sure I can get me through this. Dad and I are not super close, but I'd say that I'm the one who makes the effort compared to my brother and sister. Probably just too much water under the bridge for me to be really close to either of my parents. Dad always favored my sister and she has really disappointed him. She rarely visits him. Mom always favored my brother and he is more involved with his wife's family than ours. He has never made it to any of my kid's graduation. He put an addition on my parent's house and charged them for labor. I guess for me it was all the years of being ignored and my parent's drinking every night. I do what I have to so that I can live with myself. Of my parents I am closer to my dad than mom. At least he never told me that if abortion was the available I wouldn't be here. I try because I have to live with my decisions and choices. But then again, I can't get my head around dad being gone. Today is Wednesday!!! The University is coming out to test my kids for my master's program. Really need to get in the program and get things done. Well, best go, you all have a good day. Oh and Phyl...excellent job!!!! Remember i told you that before long you would be dancing in the streets, whooopwhoop,

Talked to my mother today. Dad had a CAT scan today and the news is not good. The cancer has spread and is larger than it was. There seems to be some fluid buildup in the lungs. The docs will be removing the fluid on Thursday and will test it for cancer. Then they will be doing a PET scan to to check to see if the cancer has spread to his bones or elsewhere. If it has then the time is pretty limited. If the cancer has not spread, there may be some options. But the reality it that I really think he at the beginning of the end. I don't know how I feel about it. Numb I guess. this probably is close to the end.

Yes, I live in a neighborhood, but all my neighbors are in different places. One is a retired couple that don't even say hi when we are both outside, the other just moved in with little kids, across the street is a parent of an ex student, not a good idea. Remember our houses are at least an acre apart. The back neighbor is also a parent of an ex student. They both parents have issues either with alcohol or sleeping around. Again not something I want to get into. Made red beans and rice for dinner, new recipe, okay, Made it with turkey sausage.

Late start this morning, I must of slept through my alarm. So need to not dilly dally. Also just moving slow, tired I guess and the weekend is a long way away. Phyl it sounds like you and Earl have found the perfect winter home. It must be hard to move back and forth between the 2 . You must miss the other half of your life. The Water aerobics sound like perfect exercise. I like swimming, but the chlorine doesn't like me much, so have never spent too much time in a pool. Well hopefully today at work goes better than yesterday. Kids where okay, it's just run of the mill stuff. My principal come down to question on of my 'procedures', evidently a parent complained. When the kids come into class, I have a cell phone parking garage. Basically the kids store the cell phone and take a 'valet' ticket and the beginning of class and return the ticket and collect phone at the end of class. Evidently I missed a change in the student handbook that says students may have their cell phones on their person, but not use them during class. They are allowed to use them between classe and during lunch. Personally I don't see why the kids even need a phone since each classroom has a phone. But hey, this is what the community want. So today the garage goes down and kids are going to spend most of each class trying to text message under the desks. Pretty soon we will be providing chargers for each student. When I questioned the principal about the need for phone, she reminded me that this is just like the wave for calculators. Not, while I have mixed feeling about calculator use in math classes at least it is a tool that assists in school work. I wonder what tool the cell phone acts as...oh yeah, sending test answers to the student across the room. Oh well go with the flow. As I said, we whip their noses, soon it will be their backsides. Sorry, feeling negative this morning. I would love to call in sick and curl up and sleep all day. Hummm, maybe tomorrow? Dang, going to need some toothpics to keep the eyes open. Phyl, hope the ps happens. Okay for the stupid one in the group....what is a reverse TT? I'm assuming TT is tummy tuck, but how do you reverse it? so let me know. Best get moving or I will be asleep in a minute, Every blink is way too long. TTFN

Janet, no I don't have any gf's here. I do have a group of ladies that I quilt with. We use to get together once a week, but anymore it is about once a month and most of the time I don't go. They usually have a gooey dessert and I am usually to tired. It probably has been 8 years since I went 'out' for the evening. Occassional may go out for dinner about 1 or 2 times per year, okay excluding the nursery Christmas party it is once per year. tired, I'm going to go take a shower & go to bed,

Oh by the way, if you get up at friggin 4:30 a.m. you can post in the morning. Am I stupid or what?

Came home tired, the university had someone observing me while teaching, let's just say, not my best 'performance'. Then home to find that the puppies got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, THEN Miss molly decided to show me who is boss and peed on the carpet that we just shampooed, so had to shampoo it again. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. The person from the university said my posting, that took 3 days of research and 4 hours to type, was interesting...what the heck does that mean? Tonight is left overs and then figure out how to teach about mapping. It is getting towards the end of the quarter so all the parents are wigging out. Everytime I turn around I have a phone call or email...will I give their child extra credit. Ummm, No, if they don't do the regular work, why would I give them extra credit. They want to know why their child has a D or F. Well if you look on the school website you will see that they haven't turned in half the assignments. We post grades several times a week and the parents can access their childs grades. I have sent progress reports, nagged their child, all but begged them to do the work, but I will not move their hand across the paper. I already wipe noses, you want me to wipe their backside too? Okay, time to let it drop. Tonight is school work and left overs, man I have an exciting life! Check in later. TTFN

Jackie, thank you for sharing the poem, very lovely. We all are pet lovers here and view our pets as part of the family. I remember when my daughters' harmsters got old and developed cancer, we had the vet come in and euthenize them. She created such a lovely environment and talked my girls through the process allowing the girls to hold their hamster until it was time. She never rushed the girls and really spent some time making sure the girls were ready. Many of the people I know just couldn't understand why I would go to so much trouble for a hamster. Well up late last night trying to finish my homework. I never did get my lesson plans done, project for today I guess. Hum....are we thinking a movie...only in my dreams. Our 1st assignment for my masters program was to complete a reading then post a response on the 'forum'. I spent 3 days doing addition research and 4 hours writing the stupid posting. Most people's postings were about 3 paragraphs long, mine...a page and a half. I need to stop over thinking things. It has been way too long since I used that part of my brain. Made a recipe from Rachel Rays for Asian pork with veggies. Spent about an hour on prep using fresh ginger and garlic, normally it all comes from a jar. The bummer, it didn't taste any better than when I throw it all together. So a learning experience. Good to try new things, but the recipe was pretty over rated. It probably had lower calories that when I use a bottle of stir fry sauce. Anyway, I hope you have a good day. It will be a long one. Only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night. So I think I'll come home, take a nap, workout and then heat up left overs. It is the nap I'm looking forward to. TTFN

I've taken to copying my postings before I post. I am so sick of loosing them. Candice, hang in there. Janet, I don't know if you told me, but what was the tattoo Andrew had removed? Why did he not want it any more. AND How do they do it. DD#4 has one that she regrets since the day she got it.

I'm bummed. My Newman's Own individual coffee was NOT instant, it was an individual serving of grounds, are you kidding me? So I guess, I'll take my french press to school and french press coffee. I have found a great lunch idea. Steamers Veggies & Rice in 'butter' sauce, 130 cals per 1 cup with some canned chicken. I think it would also be good with tuna or even thinly sliced deli meat. Of course it tasted so good, I rushed a bite and now am stuck, but will sit for awhile and then I should be able to eat it. One package of Steamers and 1 can of chicken makes enough for 2 lunches. So now I have a quick summer lunch recipe (Steph's chicken salad) and a quick winter recipe. I grated some sea salt and garlic on top, I get it would be good with a little parmesean. Went to school & set up a lab, now back home with a head ache. So, I'm going to eat lunch and then take a nap.

Janet, Loved the post, your day sounds just like fun, I now know that I'm moving in with you when I retire. Really my idea of fun. Throw in some quilting, and...whoppwhoooooooooop. I love the starbucks instand coffee, but the cost is beyond my budget. I am trying some Newman's Own organic instant. It is a liquid and comes in the little 'creamer' containers. It's about half the cost of Starbucks. Still more money that I should spend, but I'm giving it a try. Should just make espresso at home and then bring it to school for my afternoon treat. I probably will do that once the Newman's is gone. You think your house would drive Jackie nuts???? I once went 6 months between moppings. Actually I use to be OCD about cleaning, I mean cleaning the kitchen floor with a toothbrush every week. Alphabetizing my spices and canned goods. Had disinfectant and polishing clothes in every room for quick touch ups. Then I finally saw how harsh I was being on the kids. When the eldest was 3 we built her a sand box for her birthday and she cried because the sand was making her dirty. When DD#3 was being born, DD#1 & #2 where with my parents and they took them out to dinner. They told the waitress that they couldn't have mustard on their hamburgers because it stains. They where 2 & 4. I had to give up being OCD about cleaning. I still have issues, if you open my new book or magazine before I do, I'll probably rip your fingers off! I got to sleep in!! Molly slept through the night and didn't get up until 7 am!!!! Homework, school work, laundry and cleaning are on the agenda, need to work out. Will either take the puppies for a walk or do my interval training tape. Janet work those abs..... Oh, I did have my Cold Stone, and savored every bite. Didn't have lunch, and only had blueberries/yogurt/Kashi for dinner, with a pear and some grapes for Snacks. So overall not too over on calories. I do need to get more vigilant about loosing this last 11ish pounds. I really understand how people can get close and not make it to the 'finish' line. Even though nothing really will change once I'm there. I will eat the same and who knows maybe I will go below what the doctore says.

Jackie you are insane, barely out of the sick bed and you are cleaning? If you ever run out of things to clean, come out for a visit.

Got home from the mega shop, bought most of the groceries for the next month. Stopped at a new thrift shop and found 2 belts for $1.99, my new jeans are too big and I can't afford to buy new. I also got an Eddie Bauer corduroy jumper, burgandy, for $4.99. Then found a long sleeve t-shirt for $6 at Walmart. So now I have a new outfit for $10.99. Not too bad. It doesn't look like the jumper has even been worn. Whoopwhoop. Got home and a couple of my last year students stopped by. One of them has the male and female doxies that I got Miss Molly from last year so they wanted to see how she looks all grown up. It was kind of fun to just sit on the floor, play with the dogs and check up on the girl's lives. I guess that is one reason I teach. I'm not going to get much else done tonight. The only bummer was that I was hoping my new expresso machine, nope I couldn't afford it but damn I'm not living without latte's, didn't come. So 2 more days of lousy latte's, no froth.... Hope you have a good evening everyone. TTFN

I'm bored. Need to so homework but don't want to. Can't get my head going. I need an adventure. an adrenaline rush. Karri go hers getting drunk last night. I'm too old for that, the heal-up time can take days. It is sad when your excitement for the month is going grocery shopping knowing that you have enough money to buy what you need. Very sad. Candice how are you today? Hard sleeping I imagine. Jackie are you feeling better? I can't afford to get H1N1, just remember to use your inhaler and drink and sleep. Water, not alcohol. Linda where are you? Steph, enjoy your day alone. Find something to putter with so your brain can do the hard work it needs to. Question, I can't remember what you said about Michael's father? Is he available to be in the picture and help with the healing process Michael needs? I know you miss your dad, I can't even imagine what it will be like when my dad is gone. Other than to know that my mother has made it clear that I will have to handle everything. Why...because 'she can't, brother will fall apart, and sister is too busy'. Then there will be the whole thing about her trying to move in with me. If that happens you might as well make me a reservation in an asylum, because that's what I will need. But Steph, this summer going through your father's treasures was an honor as well as down right fun. Remember the fun times.

yep, I'm salivating for the ice cream. Work out hard for me too!! have fun.

Janet, its in the air, Molly got up at 1:30 and then up at 6:30. I understand the 6:30, because I'm up at 4:30 on week day, but if she would ever figure out weekends, I'd be a happy soul. Goals for today, mega grocery shopping, then honework, then shampooing carpets. I wish I had the $$$ to rip out the rest of the carpets and then lay laminate. I did a large room a couple of winters ago for $900, excluding the bedrooms, I just need to do the livingroom and hall. They are about half the size of the big room I did. I'll price out lamenate at Costco today. I know I can't afford it, and won't get it, but at least I will know what the cost would be. I'll take my shot and then I should have some energy. I am going to see if my local pharmacist can mix the concoction. He does some 'compounding' of his own, so if he could make it, my DD#2 who is the PA, says all the ingredient are really cheap. If he can, I can afford to take the shots 3 times a week, and then I'll be like the energizer bunny. We can dream anyway. Strange dreams last night. One of those 'have to be somewhere but can't get there' types. I hate that. That's why I can't watch the Amazing Race, too much like my nightmares. I'm sure there is some major meaning to them, it doesn't take a dream analyzer to figure out that is tied to feeling over-whelmed. There is a huge part of me that says, "Are you crazy. You can't do this master's program!! You can't even get done what you have to." I can't figure out how I use to have babies, took microbiology & anatomy/physiology as night classes, taught, and sewed all the kids clothes. Compared to those days I'm on vacation. So what gives? Janet & Phyl, I am envious!! I wish I could come out and spend a long weekend with you all. Browse all the little shops, walk along the beach, wear shorts. I hope you have a great time!!! Well, have a good day, I'll check in later. TTFN

Formative assessment....I need to read all about it and discuss it on a discussion board. I don't even know where to begin.... I should have taken my shot this morning, now I am dragging, I have been draggin all day. It is pretty amazing what the meds do, when it is in my system, I think clearer, actually have a pep in my step. When it starts wearing off...the mind mushes and all I want to do is sleep or sit like a slug. So being the navigational moron that I am...Phyl I thought you guys spent the winter in Florida?? or do you winter in California near Janet....I'm lost...

Candice, I'm sure that Twig is going to be moping around for awhile, especially if Wood was the alpha. If so, Twig will have some trouble adjusting to not having Wood telling him what to do and when to do it. Heck, we all are going to be moping around for awhile. We feel your loss. Janet, yep I know I have to give something up to have ice cream tomorrow. Probably will skip lunch and I've been 'banking' my night time snacks. Steph, we always need time to take mental stock and organization. Don't feel like you are being selfish. Besides, it is good for Jeff to take responsibility for the kids. Have you considered starting a journal. Just writing it all down will help get them out of your head. Then if you need to you take your list, cut it into individual ideas and glue them onto the pages they belong. Think...use your teaching skills to help you figure out how to approach all this. Do what you do best, play to your strength. I finally got to sleep all night long without making a puppy trip!!! Crud...I just lost an entire train of thought and it was important. oh, well, check in later. TTFN

Phyl, I love a good 2nd hand 'Treasure' store. I could spend hours. We have and 'antique' mall, which is a glorified 2nd hand store. The stuff is 'kindof' antiques, but not the super expensive stuff. DD#4 loves to go as well, so we plan a trip at least once a year. It has 3 floors and we wonder through every corner. A cheap afternoon off! Today is Friday!!! I think we all deserve a weekend off. I will be spending most of my time doing homework, but will head to Super Walmart and Costco to do the major shopping. This is where the ice cream comes in. We have a Cold Stone Creamery, at the end of shopping I'm going over and getting a 4 oz Mud Pie ice cream. High in Calories, loaded with fat, but I decided that one treat a month, ignoring last weekends depression glutony, is something that is a requirement. I've given up butter and sugar and most carbs, so I'm going for it. Ladies have a good day, Janet, when is your 1st furlough Friday? TTFN

Candice, my heart aches for you, this is doubly hard because DH isn't home with you. Go ahead and cry, go ahead and eat ice cream, there are somethings that require ice cream and this is it. Steph's bbq pork was good, next time I'm adding more beans. Was able to eat a decent portion. One of the first. Well, need to go grade papers. I think this week has been one of the worst. I'm planning a small portion of ice cream this weekend. I know, I shouldn't but i'm going to. TTGN

Candice, I so sorry...nothing we say will help..but I know when it comes 'time' at my house we will all be basket cases. They do just crawl in your heart. Our animal keep us going when the kids move on. They are family, the same as our kids. Probably more so, because they don't take the car without asking, or come home late..okay sometimes the last isn't true. We should wonder where Janet's kitty goes at night, definetly NOT practicing safe sex. Okay, I'll admit it, I go for humor when I don't know what to say. But please know that your hearts are in my prayers. Janet, yep, I was up at 1:30, 2:15, 3:40, 4:12 with Miss Molly. At one point I burrowed under the blankets and TRIED to ignore her. She doesn't whine, she paws and licks you. More difficult to ignore. Stayed at school until 5:30 trying to grade papers. Locked my door, shut off my lights and pretended I wasn't there for 2 hours. I'm really irritated at our middle school staff. We have a Child Assistance Team, CAT, thats purpose is to help teachers develop plans to help a struggling student to succeed. But one step of the process requires teachers to fill out a couple of evaluation form. In the last week there was 2 students that needed forms filled out. Ultimately I ended up filling out the forms because no one would do them. I even asked for a special meeting to get all the teachers together to fill out an evaluation...no one showed, I emailed reminders, no on showed, I did an all call on the intercom, still no show. I ended up filling out an evaluation form that was to be filled out by everyone, it took me an hour, would have taken a group to finish in 10 minutes. I can't say anything to the admin without sounding like a whiner. Am trying Steph's recipe tonight, I added a little mustard and a can of kidney beans for on one can of pork and beans. Smells good, I'll let you know.

So Phyl, if Earl buys the bumper, do you haul it around all winter, or ship it home? Love it, he is my type of scrounger. My kids always shake their heads when I find a 'keeper', but where do they come when they need something for a project. Payday was this week, and with some creative balancing I 'seem' to have enough $$ to last the month. Can not pay much on credit card or to DD#5, just a little, but I should not go in the hole. No other shopping of any kind. I was able to get DD#3's birthday gifts for under $10, I found a couple of GAP long sleeve Tshirts for $4 each at sierratradingpost.com. Very cute and very soft cotton. Christmas will be extremely lean, won't be buying any gifts except a small one for each DD#4 & DD#5. The rest of my girls I will make their gifts. I've been embroidering TeaTowels with botanicals and then am putting wide rickrack and fabric borders. Also will make them each a stack of cotton face clothes. I knit them out of cotton yarn, they are about 3" x 3", great exfoliation without abrasiveness. Finish up with an apron and set of potholders, possibly an appliqued pillow. Have most of the materials already, will need to buy fabric for one apron, but other than that, I should be good. DD#4 will also get a pair of scrubs, she likes to use them for pj's. Also she is doing her CNA training, so may make her a not so wild pair for work. I don't think animal print would go over well. DD#5, I owe a purse to, have the fabric so shouldn't have to buy anything there. Now I just need to get started. Will make mom some biscotti, dad some peanut brittle, the rest of the family...won't be able to afford anything. Everything is homemade anyway, and they don't really like it. Although a couple of years ago I made BIL a 'tool belt', that had labeled pockets for beer, cigars, periodicals, Snacks. I thought it was adorable...but not their thing. They like big expensive stuff. My sister typically gets a killer 'rock' to wear. Best get going and get ready for work. No latte this morning, the espresso machine spurted it's last spritz. Bummer.... TTFN

Today was DD#3's 28th birthday, time flies. Yep Janet, it probably was the peapods. But I tell you marinating the fish made all the difference, gave the tilapia a nice flavor, a little body. Not so great coming back up. Well have a good evening, hoping miss molly lets me sleep, this 1:30 & 4:15 is a killer. TTFN

I'm going to try it tomorrow, I have a roast in the frig and then I'm adding kidney beans because I only have 1 can of pork and beans, so I'll let you all know.

Steph, I'm jealous, my dinner tasted fabulous...too bad it didn't stay down. I marinated some tilapia in wine, broiled it topped with a mix of light miracle whip, basil, lemon juice, onion powder. Sweet potatoes and stirfried peapods. Got about 2 oz of tilapia down, and barely made it to the bathroom. grrrrrrrr