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Candice, I'm with you. I think we get to a point that we say, "Hey, I'm skinnier than I've ever been, so what the heck!" I don't know the answer. I know we all have our food demons, Janet is the only one I know that is able to keep it under control. Last night I was cruising for chocolate, fortunately I don't have any in the house. I can rationalize every fattening bite of food. If I stay totally away from junk I don't have the physical cravings. But the mental desire is huge. I would trade most anything for the ability to eat junk and get away with it or to never desire junk. I know that winter is the hardest for me. Summer I don't think about food. Hang in there. I sometimes think it would be easier to be an alcoholic, at least then I would never have to drink to survive. I hate that food is a necessary part of living.

Candice, love it!! Karri, depression is chemical...you know that. There are fabulous new antidepressants out. I used Zoloft for years with success and have recently changed to the generic version of Lexapro. None 'fix it all', but allow me to fix it. Dad is settled in the nursing home in his hometown. This will allow mom to visit several times a day. Dad tries to talk to everyone and doesn't rest. Also his friends and family can drop by. The oxygen is basically what is keeping him alive, they have it maxed out, but when he talks he tires easily. Oh, I have lost 4 of the 6 pounds I gained. So I'm back on track.

Janet, I think I would slap BIL, that was low. I know I need to let the parent issue go. It isn't my issue. I guess daughters rarely like their mothers. I just don't really like my mother, she is a self-centered witch. Oh and she really thinks she is a witch, has her own wicken. I don't relate to that, it is outside of my religious beliefs. I know, I'm narrow minded. Oh well.

Candice, you are right, I have forgiven my father. He did the best he could. I've made my peace with it. It is my mother that I can't forgive. Mainly because she continues to 'put me down' with comments about me 'being better off had I not been born'. She is also the one who cheated on my father for 13 years. Dad knew about it and put up with it because he knew mom would get the kids. It bothers me because she talks about the 'other' man. I don't want to hear about it or know about it. Yep, good is my drug of choice, more socially acceptable. Oh well, life goes on...

Thank you Candice. I don't know for sure where I stand with my dad. He always favored my sister, but in the last few years, he has been upset with her because she never comes to visit. There is a lot of water under the bridge. Both dad & mom drank constantly when we were growing up. I spent most of my childhood in the car behind the bar or at home alone. All of us moved out by the time we were 15. Neither of them drink now, but that is mainly because of their medications. We have a strong family tendency toward depression and I'm sure that had a major impact on why they drank. Both of them and I are on antidepressants and both my sister and brother drink a lot. We are not the 'Leave It To Beaver' family. I decided years ago that I had to let it all go so that I could live with myself. I don't want dad to hang on for us, but talked to DD#2, she is a PA at a Heart Institute, and she says that dad isn't ready to give up yet and telling him that it is 'okay to go' would not change anything right now. Any knowing my dad, he really isn't hanging on for us kids, but for my mother. So we will wait. Regarding the house: My realtor doesn't want to put an offer out until my buyer officially signs the paperwork. They are out of town until Wednesday. He says they shouldn't back out, but that they might. He did call the owner and tell them that we are extremely interested and that we would like a heads-up if they get some 'action'. I dont' know, the house would be perfect. The yard, not so much. Because neither me nor the puppies are use to a lot of traffic, I would need to put in a solid wood fence asap. Otherwise, I would never go outside and the puppies would spend their entir life barking themselves to death. I have to leave it in God's hands. IF this is the house for me then He will make it happen. Congratulations on Canada's Gold! The boy who won Bronze for USA only lives about 2 hours away from Missoula. So we count him as our own 'hometown' boy. I think I'm going to take tomorrow off, I need to think and waller a little.

I'm home for now, flew home like crazy. I looked at 5 houses, none of them totally thrill me, but what do you expect for $130,000. The house I can live with is next to the police department. That is probably a good thing...I guess. The house is good, the yard sucks, no privacy, but has a good chainlink fence. No garage or carport. Here is the link: MLS#10000807 Stevensville Montana (Residential Property) So let me know what you think. I'm exhausted. My sister talked to the doctor after I left and he says that dad is fighting to stay alive for us. We did talk to him about his final wishes. He kept thinking we were talking about his money, which is none. He wants no service no coffin, cremeted and sprinkled in the hills that he grew up in. I'm not thinking about the fact that I probably have seen him for the last time. My sister and I talked about telling dad that it is okay to 'go'. He still talks about getting strong enough to go home. Mom says that he doesn't know that this is the end. I don't know what to do. Do we tell him to go, which tells him that this is the end? or do we keep up the pretence and he keeps stuggling to hang on. I need a little 'down' time.

Candice thank you. Talked with the doc and he said as long as dad is eating and drinking, he will make it for 1 to 2 weeks, they are planning are moving him to the nursing home on Monday. The facility is in Roundup so his sisters can come and visit. Dad is one of 12 children. He really enjoys the company.

Bad news...good news. Got a call as school this morning from mom, the doctor called and said he didn't think dad would make it through the morning. Wrote the fasted sub notes in the history of teaching and headed for the 7 hour drive. Made it in 4...don't ask. Dad is still with us, and made a bit of a rally, so who knows. Doc NOW thinks he may make it for a couple of weeks. So I will stay the weekend and see what happens. Good news...sold my house while driving 87 mph on the interstate. We countered, they countered,,.. actually came up with a deal that will give me enough for a down. Unfortunately there is state wrestling tourney in Billings, so rooms are pretty scarce. Go one...barely. Anyway, IF dad hangs in there, the plan is to move him to a nursing facility in Roundup, I'll head home so DD#4 can take the 6 tests she has this week, and I'll find a house, then back on the road. Lost my debit card at a gas station half way here. Called them, and someone actually turned it in. God is definitely looking after me. I'm going to take a show and go to bed.

Mom called. The CAT scan shows that dad's lung it collapsed and the doctors say there is nothing else that can be done. Dad can not go home because he can not walk and mom can't lift him. Dad has a few weeks or a couple of months. We have to find a residential hospise care. Dad knows that there is not any treatment available, but he doesn't want to know the time. He was very upset that there wasn't any other options. I have an offer on the house, not good, but at least it is an offer. I have a meeting with the realtor on Saturday to crunch numbers. right now there won't be any money left for a down.

Janet, good luck and be safe AND have fun!! Hopefully the weather will cooperate!! It is Thursday, which means it is almost Friday, which means a 3 DAY WEEKEND!! I hope to do a whole lot of nothing. Have some masters work to do then taking some naps. I hate winter. But spring is not to far away!!! You all have a good day, TTFN

Thanks Denise, but I know the food is in control right now. I need to get back in control.

Hi everyone....long day...I hate food, I'm so sick of being controled by food. I wish I could just stop eating, then I would live. anyway, dad's back in the hospital. He is severly dehydrated, oxygen level was below 80, his blood pressure was 76 over 44. His heart rate was barely measurable and his white count is sky high. So I guess we will find out more tomorrow. I haven't been honest about food, even to myself. I keep thinking it won't matter, but the scale has proved that it does. I don't know how to get control of it.

Morning ladies...quiet night last night!! Watched TV and worked on an applique quilt since all my 'machine' projects are packed. It is what people here call a 'Promise quilt'. Hand pieced and quilted with flannel as the batting. This is about my 6th one. I have half squares pieced and then I am appliqueing the other half. I may 'cheat' and machine sew the blocks together even though that is against the 'rules'. Steph, how Nick and Jaz's quilts going? Well after today it is all down hill for the week. Janet, only 2 more days until your furlough day!! We have monday off for President's day. YEAH a 3 day weekend. My quilting friend that has been diagnosed with lymphoma has all her tests today to determine if it is hodgkins or nonhodgkins. So we will spend a few extra prayers. Check in tonight, TTFN

I usually leave about 6:30 am for work. But the realtor was tonight after work. I typically shower at night because I can't stand to sleep with the days grunge on me. During the summer, i'm a multiple shower day. Anyway. .. I know I haven't been as careful as I should. I need .............aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't know what I need!!! a life....

Janet, I ate one damn sandwich!!!! I'm just really ticked off at myself and life in general. Was just crawling out of the shower when a realtor called, they were 5 minutes away and wanted to see the house. I had everything out for coffee dinner, DD#4 left her room a disaster this morning, dogs where hyper, Jordan peed in the garage as I was trying to get them in the car and I didn't see it. AND after all that, they stayed a whole 10 minutes. I don't even care, I care more that my latte got cold. My car was stacked with school stuff because I had spent the entire afternoon talking with textbook venders and talked them into giving me a stack of free stuff. I haven't been able to exercise, the hangy downy hurts too bad. Right now walking is painful. I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and call the doctor. If I can't exercise, I'll gain weight.

Well stepped on the scale this morning. Managed to gain 6 pounds in a week. A week ago I was excited to be under 170, now I'm stuggling keep it in the 70's. So hopefully today is a better day. I definitely need a fill, if I can gain that much in a week. stinks! I think I will go and be depressed. Have a good one. living here in fatville!

If I covered the head I could eat it, it's the eyeball thing!! Phyl, fabulous pics, I love the formal one of you and Earl, and naturally the one with the lizards. That is one beautiful iguana!!! Came home and finished the house cleaning, so I'm good for another few days. Roast in the crockpot. Home alone for most of the evening. Food pretty good. Stuck on my left over meatloaf at lunch time. well time to eat. TTFN

Is it really Monday???? I need a nap! Having only one day off makes it tough! I don't know what I will do when I start back at the nursery, NO days off until school is out. I'll quit whining, I have a job. Have to make a mad dash into to Costco tonight. I need a box of coffee stirers for a lab, and none of the coffee shops would sell me a box, not even Starbucks. I may have to stop giving them my money. I only buy one or so a month, so I don't imagine it would have much impact. I am going to see if I can bribe someone who lives in Missoula to go for me. Keep the fingers crossed. My quilting friend finds out this week if the lymphoma is hodgekins or non-hodgekins. Naturally we are praying for non hodgekins. Here is the irritating part, she asked her general practitioner months ago about a 'lump' on her chest and she said it was nothing. Yeah right, that 'nothing' was a cancerous lympth gland. I hope you all have a good day, at least this weekend is a 3 dayer!!

So was the fish any good? I don't like when they leave the head on, I swear the eyeballs are staring at me. Food was good today, normal breakfast, small piece of cheese pizza, 1/2 slice of cinnamon bread, 3 oz meatloaf, 1/4 c potatoe, 1/4 cup corn. I know too many carbs. But The bread was from a fabulous bakery and I couldn't resist. Before band I would have eaten half the loaf smothered in butter, so at least it was a compromise. Got the binding machine sewn on DD's quilt, scalloped edge, HELL NEVER AGAIN. Now I have to trim and hand sew it down. What a friggin nightmare. Well, need to get busy, hope you all have a good night!!

Home from class, get to kickback for an evening, then hit it again tomorrow. I REALLY need a fill, I don't seem to get full. I had a sandwich for lunch, a WHOLE deli sandwich with lots of turkey, veggies, romaine, and while I was full, I should have been full after half. However, I ate that at 1 pm and I'm still full. So after I get my tax refund I'm off to the fill doc. Tomorrow is cleaning, sewing the binding on DD's quilt, scalloped edge so it will take awhile, laundry, think about the school week.

Morning everyone, Candice if you help out the old job, you are CRAZY. However, personally I can never say no, so I'd be there in a heart beat. Yesterday, BORING, an entire day on writing grants....we not what I was into. Karri, congratulations on the raise. I couldn't do the work you are doing. Ten years ago, maybe, but not today. Steph, hope the session with Michael went well!! Janet, at least today is Saturday!! I don't have the day off, I'm on campus all day. Have to take a test and post a bunch of discussions. I'm just not into it today...or yesterday. What to you all know about heat? Anyway, best go. I'll check in tonight.

Quiet night? Steph I hope all went well with Michael. Hang in there! Nothing much going on here. On campus today and tomorrow. Will be busy writing my application for the teacher at sea. Who knows, maybe they will think a landlocked hick from Montana will add geographic diversity? Won't be home until late, class isn't over until 5:30 and then thinking about going out for beverages with one of the other teachers. Need to stop at Wallyworld and pick up a few things. Then turn around tomorrow and do it all again. Good thing we have Presidents day off soon. Check in later!

Finally home, meeting after school and then getting ready for a sub. So home and need to work on master's stuff, so will be in and out tonight. Steph, it will work out. Just remember, Michael is snotty with you because he knows no matter what, you will always love him. If his dad comes back into the picture, remember that the dad will be perfect in every way...for awhile. Then his true colors will show. My girls figured it out, it took some time, years actually, but the see him for what he is. Love you!!

Janet, have fun with your sister. Steph, did you find your fabric and walking foot? Finished quilting the wholecloth last night! Tonight (if all goes well) I'll sew on the binding and then hand sew it over. It has a scalloped edge, so I will probably take me about a week to get it sewn down. I'm going to have to dig through what isn't in storage and find a new project. I really want to get started on a penny rug. Eventually going to make a penny rug purse. I think I will make one and put it on ebay and see if it sells. Wool is darn expensive so I don't know if any one would bid for what it will cost to construct. But who knows, if your don't try, you never will know!! The other place I'm looking to sell is etsy. So we shall see?

Candice I know I shouldn't go back to the nursery, but I need the money AND the change. With 3 surgeries, I've had the 'staple', the 'sling', and the reconstruction with cadavar tissue. My prolapse involves both the bladder and the intestines, and rectum. Right now I'm hangin out about 1 to 2 inches, dependent upon the time of day. I don't have a cervix so I don't know if a peccuary is even possible. I know an ulceration is an issue. Normally the pain is liveable. Now that they have reduced my estrogen, the collapse of tissue has drastically increased. I'm just whining, it can't be fixed, I just needed someone to listen, so thanks.