cramerk

Steph, I used chromium picolanate for my insulin resistance. My lab band doc also says to add a couple of fiber tablets during your hungry times. I don't know that the chromium helped because I was on prescription meds also, but I definitely didn't have any adverse affects. I'm going to have to fess up...I have been stress eating. I start the day out great, then wham, afternoon hits and I bet I consumed 1000 calories in an hour, protein bar, 2 little bags of veggie chips, and 4 yes 4 fun sized snickers bars. One of my students father committed suicide today, I realized I forgot to fill out a bus request and encumber funds for a field trip and now the funds are gone, they emailed to arrange inspection of my house for this weekend...what if something is really wrong, like it needs condemned, then I'll never sell it....augggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!! I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start with great intentions, a plan and then it falls apart. I'm never full, but is that because I don't know a slider from a solid? Or do I need a fill, do I need my jaw wired closed. What if I can't stop and I'm back to fatville. Good thing, the snickers are gone... crap and double crap!!

I'm sitting here stuck on dinner, dang. it was enchalada (sp) casserole, one of my favorites. Couldn't eat but 1/8th of a cup. Well, I have locked in a 5% interest and ordered the appraisal. I qualified for a Rural development loan which allows me to have 0% down, although I'll have to pay $1000 in some additional fees. Much better than the 3.5% down I was originally going to have to pay $4,500. Some of my 7th grade students gave me a huge hug today, they are sweethearts...sometimes. A positive thing about my dad's death...I have reconnected with my brother. I really haven't talked to him in years. But after seeing him with dad and making most of the arrangements for dad's cremation, AND watching him cry made me realize that he is human. Dad didn't want a service or funeral and wanted to be cremated. He wants to be scattered in the hills that he grew up in, so we will scatter him when the snow is gone. I really don't believe he is gone. I still pray about him. Phyl, I guess that is why I am single. Steph, you, me, & Candice need to get together & quilt. IF all goes well, I'll be there in July. But I have to wait until the houses close to see where I sit financially. Janet, glad you are home safe, I love a good road trip!!! You all have a good evening. TTFN

Denise, what's school work? I'm so far behind I can see my behind in front of me! I'm thinking the file 13 'round' file will be put in use today. I have to believe that the sale will go through without a hitch, I couldn't handle it if it didn't. I put in an offer for a little house and after negotiations it was accepted. Strangely enough the house I offered on is larger than mine, but it is further down the 'valley' which makes it cheaper. Here is the link. I will be able to make a fabulous sewing room! MLS#10000807 Stevensville Montana (Residential Property) The closing date isn't until April 15th so there are tons of things that could happen between now and then. The biggest hurdle is the inspection. For the most part, I'm doing fine. I have difficulty remembering that dad is gone. food is good, I'm never really full so I know I probably need a fill, but it is going to have to wait. I can't really take any days off for awhile. You all have a good day! TTFN

My house is officially under 'contract' and has a closing date of April 15th. So if all goes well my house is 'sold'!! They say 3rd times the charm, in my case it is 4th times the charm. In general I'm hanging in there, and that is the best I can do at this point.

food today is excellent: BF 1/2 of my normal blueberries, yogurt, Kashi 100 cal popcorn 1 orange 1 wedge of Laughing Cow 3 crackers Drinking my skinny latte. Started getting sympathy cards, can't open them yet. talked to mom, she is doing okay.

Thanks guys. You all have a great weekend. food is done!!! I am scared that I won't get it undercontrol. I'm going to make a fill appointment in a couple of weeks. I need to be reminded that I have a band. Right now it doesn't feel like it, mainly because I'm eating junk. Thanks again. I'll make it through.

I'm home, mom kicked me out, said she wanted to be alone, so left at 3 pm. stressed ate all the way home. I'm not happy with myself and dad would be pissed that i use him as an excuse to eat. I am a little upset that dad waited to go until I was gone. Half of me wants to say, 'why didn't you say something, i would have left sooner than have you fight for every breath just because I was there. The other half says, 'Couldn't you wait just 3 minutes until i got there. Dumb I know. Mom was trying to find dad's car keys and i almost blurted out, 'Why don't you just ask him?" Another dumb thing. Then I get ticked because mom acts like she is the only one who is going to miss him. I kissed him goodbye before we left him to be taken away, but I can't remember if I told him I loved him before I went to take a shower. I don't think I did... I just told him that I was going to go take a shower and I'd be back and i gave his foot a bit of a tweek. That's the last thing I did. I didn't even hug him because he seemed in too much pain. Where is he, I don't even know if he went to heaven or if he even exists anymore. Is he just gone? It's not like we were a really close family, maybe it would be easier if we were. Probably the hardest thing was to see my brother cry. My sister didn't come. She could have, but it just wasn't important. That probably isn't true and unfair of me. Okay, time to stop, I've eaten my grief, I'm not going to get fat just to try to feel better. Then i'll just be miserable AND fat. I just know that I can't take any more. I've given up on most everything. At least my brother and sister each have spouses who care. I have my kids, but I don't want to be a whimp in front of them. I guess i just want someone to say that it is okay and that my father loved me in his own way. Instead I'm sitting here in bed with all the lights off, bawling, talking to you guys, because I don't have anyone else. NOW THAT'S A PITY PARTY. I'll stop.

Dad passed away this morning. I had spent the night with him and when mom came in I decided to go take a shower. He must have been waiting until it was just them. He passed away while I was gone. Thanks for all your prayers.

Well, just got the call, dad has stopped eating and they had to up his morphine. The doctor says 1 to 3 days, so i'm out of here in the morning,

Denise, hang in there. Why don't you go sit in a tanning booth for 10 minutes. The vitamin D will cheer you up. I go when I can afford it (rarely) but it is like being on speed (yeah like I know what that is like). But my bones get warm and it works so much better than my SADD light. I SO have to get reading Beck, I need some big time help. Not only am I eating crap my mind has gone. I have been doing a little (very little) shopping on eBay and I found this perfect penny rug pattern, but the price got to high, so I did a search and found another person selling it for 1/4th the price. It arrives today and I am bragging to DD#4 about the great deal I got, only $3 bucks and she says, "Hey mom, isn't that the same pattern I got you for Christmas?" and I went and looked and darn if she wasn't right. I felt SO STUPID. But I guess I will find out what it is like to sell something on eBay and try to sell the stupid extra one. DUHHHH. Got a call from a realtor today at work, the ole' "we are in the neighborhood and..." So i have 15 minutes to leave work, kennel the dogs, and finish last minute sprucing. I hope they don't mind the crockpot on the counter with dinner cooking in it. Maybe it will be the thing that makes the house sell, you know the home cooked meal smell of roast beef and veggies. Who knows... Anyway, sitting here drinking my latte and getting ready to read Beck. Gosh I hope it helps. Oh Candice...I'll be there anytime you need leaves raked, I LOVE trees. Yeah i know, I'm wierd...can I bring Miss Molly, she is just a little doxi and I'm hoping to be able to take her traveling...when I can afford to travel. Check in later, TTFN

Morning, I could go back to bed in a heart beat!! Oh well, it is midterm this week, so need to get tons of grading done. Also need to get lesson plans together if I have to leave in a hurry. COLD this morning, brr. Clear night, we have been in the 40's lately and it has been wonderful. The cold is hard to deal with. But the first sight of spring is here, the cows are calving, so there a baby calves! Next will be a robin. This year has gone fast. I only have 14 weeks of school left. It sounds good when you say weeks. Not so good when you say that you have over 3 months of school. Hoping to read more of Beck's book tonight. It just depends. I'm trying to finish DD#1's quilt so I can get it shipped. Her kitty died yesterday and she is ignoring phone calls, so I want to cheer her up. Well best get going before I fall asleep, in my dreams!!...I don't think there is enough coffee in the world this morning. Check in tonight!!! TTFN

Yeah Janet, I kind of crawled in a hole for the day. Cleaning, laundry, nap, etc. I just have a headache. I just want to quilt something....I hate not having my quilt room. Just looking at folded fabric, touching it,,,etc. is soothing. I do have some hand projects going, but my mind is just bubbling with ideas. Started reading Beck's book. Haven't gotten very far, concentration sucks right now. Nothing tastes good, but that doesn't stop me from surfing. Sometimes I just wonder what else can go one..ignore me, just whining. I know God only gives us what we can handle, but I hope He realizes I really can't handle any more. I really don't even want to go to work. But I need to save my days for when dad 'passes'. I'll be heading back to work at the nursery in about 3 weeks. It will be odd to not be able to pick out plants for my own yard. There is no point spending money on flower beds and pots. Most of my beds have plenty of perenials, but I always like to add a few annuals, then there is the pots. But you can't really move planted pots, so unless things move soon, I won't have any pots this year, oh well.

Candice, look at all those lovely trees!!! I wish any house I find that I could afford had wall to wall trees. I love to listen to the wind through them and they are so cooling in the summer. Looks like the puppies are having fun. Cleaned house for 3 hours, doing laundry, now I am sitting here ready to take a nap!!!! Check in later, TTFN

Got the Beck book, i didn't realize it was out of print. Barnes & noble had it on the Bargin Book section, $5, whowho. I have my test done, and my online discussions done, now all I have left is a unit. So I am caught up for a day or 2. dinner tonight...sad but true...popcorn, just didn't feel like eating. I'll probably eat something later, laughing cow or something.

hey everyone, I'm okay. I guess I just needed a good crying jag, and man did I do that. Unfortunately the swollen eyes just look fabulous and I feel like I was run over by a truck. But that is okay. Going to town to do the grocery shop and pick up the Beck book, i definitely need something. I was cruising for food last night, didn't find anything worth eating, but I ate the darn stuff anyway. So today is a new start. I'll deal, it is time to stop 'punishing' myself for dad dying. He would slap me if he knew I wasn't being careful with my food. he is so proud that I lost the weight, I'm not going to let him down. So going to go, I am in the 'crawl in the cave' mood today. But need to take a test, etc so best go. TTFN

Just had a little melt-down, all the would haves & could haves for my dad's life. I wish I could have made his life easier. Ah hell, I just can't stop crying. I thought I was handling this well, I'm not. Each day he just gets weaker. He wasn't able to do the nebulizer treatment today which helps him breathe because he couldn't get enough air. He'll be gone soon, and I don't want him to be alone. This just sucks.

Phyl, if you don't go to the doctor, we are going to come and hunt you down. This isn't something to play with!!!

Candice, my puppies do better when I walk them alone. I can't wait until summer so I can take them for their walks. They are better behaved...and so am I! Karri, feel better soon, phyl you too! Janet, enjoy your weekend!

Candice, I was going to offer to be your coach, but I really need one myself. Janet is the best one for the job. I am going to get the Beck book this weekend. On the credit card...I always had a zero balance until this year. Once my childsupport was cut I had to put about $300 to $400 on it a month just to survive, that's what loosing a $1000 a month will do to you. Anyway, I don't have a problem with the card because I don't allow it. Long long time ago in a land far far away, after I got divorced and we had to split the assets, none, and the bills, his masters degree on a 18% interest credit card, so I got half of $15,000. Also had to have surgery, have I mentioned how many times I've had surgery for either female issues or pelvic organ prolapse, nine, yes that is NINE!!!! If there were any parts left they would be gold clad, because they cost close to $500,000. Anyway, back to the point...I had to file bankruptcy. That was humiliating enough to NEVER misuse a credit card. Besides, you don't need the card to shop on the internet, it is already preprogramed into my paypal account AND you can always just look on the bill. So freezing, not necessary.

Just payed off my credit card, whoooooooooohoooooooooo!!!! I have a zero balance!!!

Ah heck, I just stuck on popcorn, I never stick on popcorn. Guess I'll be skipping dinner.

Candice, good job!!! You make us proud!! Phyl, have you gone to the doctor? Sounds almost like you might have bronchitus or something? If you don't get better soon, you might need to go back! Janet, hope your sister is better soon, enjoy your company.

Quick stop, need to go do master's work. Dad got to take a shower today. He had to have 3 people help and was exhausted afterwards, but if helps give him some feeling of independence. Mom said that dad said it is getting harder to breathe. So the final process has begun. They have him on max oxygen, can't do more without intebating him and that is against his DNR. His remaining good lung, the other is collapsed, is filling with fluid until he drowns. But he isn't in pain, right now he is on a morphine patch. mom & I talked about if the pain gets to bad we will insist that they give him a pump or shots as he requests. Mom got permission to bring dad's kitty in, but dad says not yet, he doesn't want to upset the kitty. Best go get some work done. Thanks everyone,

Well, I'm back on realtor alert, the buyer backed out of the deal. No big deal. I'm looking into whether it would be possible to build a small house, doubt it, but it can't hurt to dream. Didn't sleep well last night, too much going on in my head. Mom says dad is stronger, my sister says he is worse. So I'm going with the middle and saying he is the same. Need to find some way to focus. Right now crying is what I want to do. Don't really want to face school. Fake it if you have to.

First, someone give me the name and author of this book! Second, Phyl, you are in WONDERLAND, whopwhooop!! Candice, eating in the car...Crystal light, guzzle, guzzle, and gum. Car eating is mindless eating. That is what I do when I'm grading papers. How about a skinny latte? Something that is a treat. Janet, on the other houses... 2 of them were scarey, had to walk ON peoples possessions, pluss their idea of a bathroom is one that you soak your feet in the tub while going potty and washing your hands. The one that I love the yard, has a bizare heating system. A radiant furnace sitting in the middle of the living room. NONE had room for my qulting room, even after DD#4 moves out on her own. One had a huge window 6 ft by 5 ft that was ready to fall out AND their idea of a bedroom was either a 6 ft by 8ft room with no closet and the 2nd up a set of stairs that were only 2 ft wide, no way to even get a bed up them because of the twisting. By the way, thanks you all for your support. I wish we lived closer!!! I need some friends, not just quilting friends.