cramerk

Late post this morning. Found out that when I shut of the hotwater heater, has to be drained so we can repair the wall, I also shut off the router to my wireless internet. I'm taking the day off, shouldn't, but I am. I need a day to clear the head, inspect my new house, work on masters stuff. AND get my hand carrying food OUT OF MY MOUTH. You would not believe, okay you all would, the amount and type of food I have been cramming down my throat. Worse than before i was banded, STUPID. So new start. I really have to make a decision, fat or thin. and believe it or not, my mind is in a muddle over it. I know it is the addiction talking, but there shouldn't even be a choice. But you sit there and think: food would make me feel better, food will make me happy, food is the answer. IF I eat enough I won't feel empty inside. Wow...now I'm crying. That is it..."I won't feel empty inside." Who knew...a venting spree identified the problem. I'm empty, hollow. Crap, now what? How do you fill that? Right now my BRAIN is still saying, FOOD, FOOD, THAT'S THE ANSWER. My heart says, "you know that won't work". Actually, right now BOTH are saying "food IS the answer". I KNOW there isn't enough food in the world to fill that spot, but what will? Humm, I KNOW Beck has the answer, or does it? Does it tell you how to feel solid again? Does it tell you how to deal with what you are given, when you want to say, "this isn't fair! Haven't I dealt with enough already? Is there really a future? Or am I just going to muddle along until I die?" Sorry folks, didn't know that was going to come spilling out. On a different note...I almost lost Miss molly this morning. I woke up to Molly making some really strange quiet noises. Got up to find that she had gotten her head through a small hole in my blanket, yeah I know, but I like this blanket. She was choking! I know they say as long as they are making noise they won't choke to death, but what if I hadn't heard her and she stopped making noise?

Candice, I'll take you up on the painting. I don't like the colors that are there. I know what colors I want, so i could get the paint and we could knock it out. Thanks for the offer!! don't you dare bail on stopping by.

Denise, don't I know it!!! You won't believe how many middle school parents say, "my kid wouldn't lie". Oh hell yah, I raised my girls to be honest, but I was NEVER food enough to believe they wouldn't lie! Well, I THINK I have good news on the house. I have a verbal agreement from the buyers to honor the buy/sell and to split the cost of the roof. My realtor got me another bid at $2800 as long as the realtor helps the contractor...which he has agreed to do. So next weekend the plan is to replace the roof. Tomorrow is the inspection on the house I'm buying. For the first time, my realtor said congratulations, that is huge. There is still a few things that could put a wrench into the mix, but at this point all should go okay! The contractor is coming tomorrow to make 2 repairs that would normally cost $200 but he is only charging me $50. Also my realtor negotiated a discount on my inspection fee. My realtor says I can breathe now. Which means I can stop stress eating. So tonight is me and Beck!!! If all goes well, in 5 weeks i will be in my new place with piles of boxes. I am going to take one of my storage sheds, it would cost me $1000 to replace it, and with the roof I can't afford it. Phyl, bitch slap the man, how did he think that was funny? Next time I would be tempted to respond with a 'performance' comment. But you are a better woman than I...Oh that's right, that is why I am single. Janet, tomorrow is furlough day? Today is my mother's birthday. Called her and she sounds good. We had a few tears, but we both agree that we are glad/releaved dad is gone. The was struggling so. I'm taking tomorrow off for a mental health day. Dad's remains will be picked up tomorrow and I am sure that mom will have a melt down. I'm struggling with one!! Thank you all for the support this last few months. Once I get to the fill doc and get moved I will be back on the right track. No more stress eating!! I can't wait to feel full again.

Candice here is the instruction on shipping. Naturally I would pay for shipping, but the reality is that it also would cost you a lot in time. So mull it over. packingandshipping

Steph, you can do it!! One way or the other. Write down what you can and can not live with in regards to Michael. That way you won't have to 'wing it'. Decide your list, keep it in your pocket, and use it when you need direction for approaching Michael. that way it is always consistant. Janet, there is a panel that has damage in my all weather wood foundation. It was damaged before I bought it, but I didn't require that the owners repair it. While the panel has not changed since I bought it, says the inspector, the buyers are requestion that it be replaced. There is also some damage to a piece of sheet rock in the hot water tank 'nook'. I am going to take a day 'off' from work to get my head out of the dark place it seems to be. 1) finish my masters project, 2) write a food plan, 3) just figure out where I am headed, 4) read Beck. Naturally, food consumption sucks! So Friday is the day, Janet, it is your furlough day, so I may be calling for some direction. I guess 'dad' is ready to be picked up. It still doesn't seem real. I don't like the idea that 'he' is sitting on s shelf. My brother says he has been trying to 'collect' him, but the local funeral home has not returned his calls. I don't like this. Candice, I am going to look into how much freight/etc will cost. Even if it is $100 it is worth is. I'll let you know. Suppose I should get busy. TTFN

Candice, you are right, I really didn't think about where Ontario is, heck it is clear across the country! Oh well, not a big deal. No, I won't tell the buyers to shove it, I need it to sell and my realtor pointed out that IF this deal goes sideways, we may not get another until the roof is fixed. I'm just tired of everything.

Candice, here is a thought...what if we dismantled the table, shipped the light stuff, the wooden parts (naturally take good pictures so we could reassembly). That would leave only the cast Iron parts of the table which would lie flat and the head. Come on ladies, where are all of our suggestion???? Candice doesn't want the treadle sewing machine and I must have it. Candice you are a braver soul than I. I'm too much of a homebody to be gone for 5 weeks. A week maybe, but then I want my own bed and my yard. Oh that's right, I won't have a bed and a yard for long if I don't sell this house. Phyl, I imagine now that you are walking your back has more stress. Try lots of options before having surgery. Back surgery has a tendency to lead to more surgery. Just think how bad it would hurt if you still had your weight. I'll be sending positive vibes your way. I think it would be a good idea to go to a doc now rather than waiting. Janet, I know when I first added Miss Molly to the household, I was very overwhelmed with it. What was I thinking!! Fortunately doxies are like cats, give them a warm lap and they don't really move much. Yep, was up early, will be up earlier tomorrow. Have to move the washing machine and clear out my closet, so the contractor can get to where he needs to for estimating the repairs. I'm very frustrated with the buyers of my house, so is my realtor. They 'promised' to give their written response to the inspector no later than yesterday. Well we still have NOTHING. However they have until March 16th, but I keep having to push back the inspection on the house I have a buy/sell on. The well guy was suppose to come today, but we had to cancel that as well. I'm about ready to say, 'Take your offer and shove it!"

Janet, glad the BP went down!! Don't let work get to you...like I'm one to talk. Candice you'll get those pounds off ASAP! Hey, I saw my first Robin yesterday!! They don't stay for the winter, to when you see one, you know that spring is just around the corner. More accurate than a calendar! It just gives you a little hope that warmer weather to close!! Pretty lazy night, had leftovers and watched NCIS. Went to bed early, I could just sleep for days!! that's why I hate this time of year. Gave myself my B Complex shot yesterday, so I always have a little more energy. Big masters project due on Monday, and have to mail it, so need to get working on it. You all have a good day, TTFN

Candice, I found some information on how to package it, and to put it on a bus, but I bet it would cost big bucks

Janet, be careful, you are letting the family get to you. RELAX... drink something warm and relaxing!! Actually I prefer a cup of hot milk with a little sugar and nutmeg. try it,

Candice, I'll take it, we just need to figure out the transfer. Too bad we couldn't strap the puppy onto the top of the camper. Okay folks, put your thinking caps on, how are we going to move this thing. I MUST have it, I'm, salivating just thinking about it.

Oh, I think I have all of your beat on the 'unfinished' projects...I have many YEARS of block of the month...I have one quilt that I started in...the um...dang can't remember, but lets just say it was LAST CENTURY, about 12 years ago. Then there are the unquilted quilt tops...nah I won't mention those. Remember, I out grew a 15 x 25 foot sewing room. Oh, the oldest thing...a paper pieced iris quilt that I bought in Lancaster PA when the baby was 4 years old, it is still in the orginal package, the baby is soon to be 20. Hey, If I hang on to it long enough it will be an antique in the 'orginal' package,,, it should be worth a lot of money. On a totally separate note, well not totally, I have decided I MUST have an old Singer Treadle sewing machine. So if any of your know of one, let me know and I could pick it up in July... Getting estimates on the roof. I need to decide if I will repair it myself. My neighbor is a roofer, so I called him and played the 'neighbor' card, and poor teacher card that taught your child. He said he would make me a 'deal'. Going to get another bid though, so I can be informed.

Candice, you said just the right thing to Michelle, I figured you would say it much better than I. Hey, I just signed up for the lottery to get a set of tickets to the Antique Road show that is going to be in Billings, MT in June. I have a painting from a deceased local artist, and I would like to find out if it has any value, if so...it's sold. I'd also like to bring my desk top piano. It is a Cameo piano that is built into a desk, complete with pigeon holes and writing surface. It has an excellent sound board. I believe they were built around the 1950's. House deal????Who knows, the buyers have given a verbal committment to honor the buy/sell agreement. However, I have since learned that a written agreement doesn't mean squat, so why would a 'verbal' agreement mean anything. So, I guess I will believe it when I see it. Phyl, you sound like you are feeling better.

Janet, I'm sitting here in limbo land. My brother calculated the cost of materials and it will be about $1900. So I won't be hiring it out. I will have enough after the sale to buy the materials, but not enough to hire it out. Yes I was told that the 'buyers' would notify us today of their decision. Well technically they have longer and it looks like the are going for the technical. So another day of my house not being shown AND, I found out that 2 potential buyers were preparing an offer when we accepted this one. Unfortunately they both offered on their 2nd choice, great. Steph called today, she sounds good, but still isn't able to eat solid food, stress. Well, I need to go take a shower, check in later, it is cold and rainy, brrr. I was so dreaming about the tubs in the house I offered on...they are the old cast Iron type that are DEEP & WIDE. Mine in this house is shallow and narrow, I've not had but maybe 2 baths in it because my elbows get pinned and I can't get out. I do miss baths...I guess I'll continue to miss baths...

Morning everyone, I'm running a little late, I was drooling over wool on Etsy. Anyway, nothing much going on. I have a tentative fill schedule for next week. Will depend on a whole lot of factors. I find out today if the buyers are backing out of the house contract. Whether they buy or not, I need to reroof. So I need to find some $$ for roofing material. Should be a lot of fun to reroof. I'm thinking I should make it pink checkerboard or something. Not looking forward to the job, but I can't afford the labor costs, so think of me, on the roof. My luck...I'll fall of and break something. As long as I break a leg not an arm. If I couldn't do some type of stitching for 2 months I would go absolutely BONKERS. any way best get going. Have a good day,

I'll survive, I'm sure God has a point He is trying to prove, I just wish I'd get it so I could move on. I am better today. Tomorrow I will find out if I have to withdraw my contract on the house I'm buying...was buying. I hate having my life controlled by others. DD#4 put highlights & lowlights in my hair. It isn't to bad. The top is darker than I like, but it only cost me for supplies. So if I really need to add a light strip, I can. Considering we watched a video on UTube to find out how to do it, it isn't bad. Heading toward a long week at school. Mainly because I don't like people right now. I'd like to climb in a hole for awhile. Janet, hope your friend can find another job, it must be scarey. Phyl, excellent job!! Candice, I'm glad you had a good time. Hey ANY sex for me would be wild. Was nice enough to go for a walk.

While the inspectors said, quote, "We love what you have done with the house, it is gorgeous (they were the inspectors that I had when I bought the house)..." that was only because they were ready to drop the hammer...The biggest issue, the buyers didn't read my listing well and they were 'unaware' that I had an all weather wood foundation. The inspector told them that it is just as durable, and maybe more so than a concrete, the husband's father said, "Never buy an all weather wood foundation." So the deal may be off, naturally they have until March 16th to make a decision. I'm really ticked, because the listing clearly stated that it was an all weather wood foundation. The next thing...the roof will probably not pass their financing requirements, so IF they decide they can live with the foundation, I will have to reroof. The reality is that even if they back out of the deal, I'll still have to reroof. So, how many thousands of dollars is it going to cost me to reroof a 1358 sq. ft. house. I figure I will rent the equipment and do it myself. There is no way in hell I can afford to pay someone to do it. But if they buy the house, it may just come with hot pink polka dotted shingles. So naturally if the deal goes south, so does my deal on the house I'm buying. My offer beat out someone elses, so they will go with the other buyers. So, I'm spending $60 a month for storage so the house shows well, $125 an hour for the well log, to have someone say 'oops sorry, we didn't read you listing well enough, so we want our earnest money back'. The good note...the inspector said I did a good plumbing job when I had to replace some leaky pipes in the crawl space. The worse thing...sitting here waiting on the buyer decision, all the while I'm not showing because it is under contract. Naturally, I cried, really made my realtor uncomfortable. Oh well, thats what he is getting paid $10,800 for. I realized today, that by the time I pay realtor fees, I will be selling my house for $10,000 LESS than what I paid for it. We won't think about the money I put into laminant flooring or landscaping. If I was a drinking person I would be drunk by now. Hey, but at least i'm not eating, I'm too upset to eat. I think I will take a nap instead. The take the furries for a walk. I REALLY want to know who i pissed off in a previous life time.

Janet, I did tell DD#4 that i could not do this again AND that if she couldn't be honest with me, then she would have to move out. Hopefully she gets it, because I can't ever do that again. The reality is that as a mom, sure I worry about where she is at, that's being a mom. But she has her own life, heck by the time I was her age I was married with 3 kids. My biggest concern is that she is so easily taken advantage of, but again that is being a mom, and those are HER choices. My choice is to never have to vision her in a ditch dead. So she either 'gets it' or moves out.

Yep it WAS DD#4, but they broke up, Thanks for listening, you all must think I am a basket case...which I am right now. Good thing, my brother called to make sure I was all right. I'm going to try to eat something, then go to bed. Have to get up early to clean and leave for the inspection, keep your fingers crossed! Night,

Janet, I missed this morning because I was trying to decide if I was going to hurt DD#4 or if I should start worrying. She didn't come home last night. No a biggie, she is 23 and should have her own life. By noon, I called her...no answer, no I'm a little concerned. By 2 pm, still no answer. So I call her sister who has Chemistry with her at 11 am. I find out that she never went to class, no I'm more concerned, she NEVER skips class, NEVER not call me at least 3 times during the day. I call where she works and find out from her friend that DD#4 left her house at 2 am to head home, an 8 mile drive, and she hasn't shown up at work, nor has she answered her textmessages from her friend. So now I can't breath, I call the police to see if there were any accidents, I drive the road that she would have taken TWICE. At this point I'm looking down embankments looking for her car. I am convinced that she is dead/kidnapped/murdered. FINALLY she calls me and says, "Oops I fell asleep at a boy friends." 1. I never knew she had a boy friend, 2. Hell no you don't get away with not calling out of common curtesy. She calls later to appologize, but she just doesn't get it, my heart was breaking, my spirit is already broken, I couldn't wrap my head around how I could deal with it if she was missing. I'm not even mad, I'm just truely broken. Part of me wants to ask her to move out...I can't go through that again. Her excuse...I didn't want you mad because i was at a guys house. 1st, if you don't think a guy is 'mom-worthy', WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM. You are worth only the best, but you decided that you can't get anyone so you go for guys you are ashamed of???? Quite frankly, I'm done...I can't do it anymore. I can't even eat and that only happens when i am close to breaking.

Yeah, Janet, I know I need a fill, I may just have to bite the bullet and do it and not think about the money. Currently I am 3 miles from the fire station and since we aren't an incorporated city we don't have a water system, only individual wells. So there are no hydrants. I'm assuming that the new house has hydrants, I don't know. I'd still rather have the chocolate. I am never full anymore. Oh well, I'll take care of it next week or so. I'll have to figure out when I can work things out. I'm heading to bed, I'm tired, TTFN

I wonder if water will fill me up for dinner, because that is all the calories I have left...water. Man there are some real sneaky calories out there...oranges, who thinks oranges deserve 80 calories, come on, it's not chocolate. Those should be FREE CALORIES, and since I usually eat 2 oranges right now, that's 160 calories for some stupid pieces of fruit. Now if it was chocolate I'd understand. Then needed something warm today, so I go with tomatoe soup, pregresso tomato, 220 calories for a stupid cup of soup, okay, it was 2 cups of soup, but who is full after ONE cup of soup. I would have been fine, but then a stress ate a package of Archer cheese sandwich crackers...210 calories. So like I said, I'm eating water tonight for dinner. My protein is only 33 grams, not enough..back to looking at labels and making better choices. Winter is always my tough time. I got all my paperwork in to the Underwriters for my home loan. I should get an insurance discount since the fire department is across the street from my house, they won't even have to start the engines, just put it in neutral and coast out of the engine bays. Janet, so????will I get a discount? or will it cost more? I really need to not get worked up about stuff, now my buyers underwriters want to know who plows our street, county or homeowners...heck I don't know, never pay attention, I'm not even sure that they GET plowed, we haven't had enough snow to know whether they are plowed or not. Who pays attention???? Believe it or not, this could be a deal breaker, who plows the road, who gives a rats backside? If I loose the deal over a 'plowing issue', I'll come and shovel the darn road!

Food for today...just under 1000 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So one day down and I'll deal with tomorrow...tomorrow. I read some of Beck. I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted, physically & emotionally. Sometimes I wonder how I have made it through the last 8 months...one day at a time. I HAVE to believe God knows I can't take anymore. I feel like my spirit is broken.

Got a great email from my band doctor, very supportive and understanding. He gave me a few ideas, but mainly support. He is going to arrange for my shots to be shipped directly to my house. He doesn't recommend a fill at this time, mainly because I was honest and upfront with him about eating junk. The thing I love about this guy is that he is human... Today's food...good so far, I EVEN JOURNALED my food and my stomach actually growled for the first time in WAY TOO long of a time. So far I have had about 700 calories. I didn't make it on the walk, it was down pouring and last night I only had 3 hours of sleep. Didn't get home from DD#5's hocky game until after midnight, had to take a shower,etc and get back up at 4:30. So i came home and took a nap. The inspection is scheduled for 10 am on Saturday for my house, Tuesday at 10 am for the house i'm buying. I did find out that I am going to have to pay $700 to have my well pump pulled to have a 'Well Log' created. No governmental agency seems to have a copy of my well log and the new regulations on water rights requires there to be one. Fortunately my realtor was able to arrange for it to be done and they will take payment when I sell the house. Steph, I don't know what to say, so I'll just give you a ((hug))). It is amazing that people think a kids problems will be fixed in just a few months.

Steph, I actually have the chromium in the cupboard, I think I will give it a go with fiber tabs. Janet, Denise, thanks, I am sliding back into old habits and SLIDER food is my favorite. Today, I'm packing my tennies and sweats and going to go for a walk afterschool. I'm not even going to come home. I know the dogs could use the walk, but if I walk in the door, I know I'll never walk out. So for the next few days I'll walk straight from school and then hopefully by next week, I'll be strong enough to come home and walk from the house. A fill...I think I'll be burning some plastic and go. However, I also know that i have been eating comfort food. So I think I'll do the straight protein for the rest of the week, and then see if I REALLY need a fill. Tonight after school, it is me and Beck. I really have been using stress as an excuse. I kind of had an epihany yesterday. I had just eaten my morning snack, I eat breakfast at about 6 am and don't get lunch until 1 pm because of my class schedule. I had a banana with some almond butter and my stomach was full. It registered full, I acknowledged it's fullness and purposely ate more. So back to baby steps. I'm not worried about the inspection on the new house, I'm just fussing over the inspection on the house I'm selling. If it requires a lot of work, I'll have to cancel the sale because I won't be able to afford to fix it. Send positive vibes my way!