MrsYankyDoodle

My Fiance' had the lap band surgery about 3 years ago. I've been dating him for the last 2 years. For the majority of that time, I've watched him gain weight, lose weight (dramatically) and nearly every day, he vomits his meals to the point he's in tears. I am struggling every day trying to help him get through this. I don't know that much about the surgery itself, but I have done a lot of research about what it does and what he should be eating, etc, but I don't know how to help him. I love him so much and it hurts me so bad to see his pain everytime he eats. Where/who can I go to help him. He's had his throat scoped and there's no damage to or slippage of the band. He's getting blood work done every 3 months to ensure he's physically healthy - so why can't he keep food down? Why does he constantly throw up all day? What can I do to help?

Thank you for your help and much needed advice. I hope I'm not trying to "fix" it for him, I'm trying to help as much as possible. I know it's up to him to get through this and I've told him as much, but I can't help wanting to take his pain away and fix it for him. Thank you also for saying he's fortunate to have me, I'm fortunate to have him in my life too. He's brought me so much happiness, joy and love that I never knew existed in a relationship. Maybe it's the macho guy thing that makes him not want to go to therapy or maybe he just doesn't want to tell a bunch of strangers what he's been doing. No matter what it takes, I'm going to get him through this. He's a very good man and I'm lucky to have him. I'll find a support group for us to go to - I think it would do him a lot of good to talk with other people with some or all of the same issues he's having. Thank you again so much for all of your help.

I hear you and I believe at least 1/2 of it is mental and has nothing to do with the band. I think he got the band for the wrong reason, but if he uses it right and for the right reasons it's a great tool for him. I think it gave him an edge he didn't need during that time in his life. But, with no one to support him and his home life going down the tubes, he felt it was his only option. I haven't completely convinced him to seek counseling, he wants to do it on his own. But, I won't give him an ultimatum that he does the right think or I walk - I won't leave him for that or any other reason. I think you're right about skipping meals makes it harder to eat later - I have been telling him that for a while now. Maybe if I show him your posts, he'll listen since you've had the surgery and have had some similar experiences. I feel like I'm helpless and have no way to fix this - that's why I'm posting here. I appreciate all your help.

We've discussed therapy and he finally told his regular doctor about his eating habits and mental issues with his weight loss "mission" (as he calls it). I went with him and told her some things he probably wouldn't have if I wasn't there. She put him on new medication which seems to help some, but he still gets to that point sometimes where he uses the band to his advantage. He's a great person, but his past wasn't easy to say the least. He's been through a lot and I understand why he feels like he does, but I wish he wouldn't feel so down about himself. I see things in him he doesn't because his ex was such a hurtful and vengeful woman. He blames the lap band when he throws up, but praises it when he loses a pound or two. Sometimes I see his band as a blessing, because he can lose weight easier with it than he could without it (from what he's told me). I think he could lose the weight without it as long as he has the right support - which from his family, he doesn't but from me he does. His ex only supported the surgery because, in her words, she was embarassed by his obesity. What a great wife she was, huh? I don't care how much he weighs, as long as he's healthy and happy. I know being thin makes him happier, that's why I support it. Are there support groups he can go to or do you think a therapist (one-on-one) would be better? I will do whatever I can to make him see what I see in him - he deserves to be happy and thin without killing himself.

Thank you so much for the posts so far. I agree with both of you somewhat. He does eat the wrong things sometimes - like he'll have a cookie or pretzels and that will make him throw up. But, the rest of the day, no matter what he eats, he throws up everything. I think emotionally he uses the lap band as a tool to lose more weight and eat so much less and he'll skip meals for a day or two. He weighed about 350 when he had the surgery. He was in a miserable marriage with a cheating wife. He lost about 140 lbs during the 1st year. When we met - about a year after his divorce, he and I started eating the wrong things. During our first year he put on 75 lbs and I put on 50 lbs. Since February (until about October) he lost around 110 lbs - very fast and not doing the right thing at all. Everytime he gets really upset/mad, he gets his band tightened. He's down to 175 lbs - 6' tall - and his doctor are all telling him he's healthy. His blood work is fine and his blood pressure is good (although relatively low - 105/60 is average with a pulse rate of 45-50). Since he skips meals (whole days' worth), I can't believe he's as healthy as his blood work says he is. He recently had food poisoning and his blood pressure plummeted to 60/36 - near kidney and renal failure. He was scared to death and said that was a life-changing moment. Now he's talking about getting his band tightened again. He's anorexic now - I know he knows how to make himself throw up, so I'm not sure if it's all because of what/how he's eating with the band or just his way of getting away with it (by blaming the band). We're getting married in February, but I'm afraid even if he makes it til then, that he won't make it much longer after. :thumbup: