Gothikarose

I have been overweight since I was about 10. I remember sitting in the pediatric doctor's office with my mom and older sister and the doc telling my mom that I am overweight for my age (I think I was about 150lbs). When the doctor left the room, my mom and sis then proceeded to mock me and even though I was visibly hurt and bothered, they did not stop. I don't even think it registered to them how much they were hurting my feelings. 
The doctor then came back and said to my mom that she must help me with losing weight (she is the parent doing all the shopping and cooking anyway), and to keep sweets and snacks out of the house if it is tempting to me. The doc stepped out of the room again and then my mom said to my sister with annoyance that she isn't keeping **** out the house and it's up to me to control myself. It was as if I was not even in the room. Of course she did nothing to help me lose weight for the rest of my childhood except mock me, insult me, and tell me constantly that I need to lose weight. One time when I was 12, I said that I want to be a vegetarian and she responded with a smirk on her face "yeah you're too fat. You're not gonna have a boyfriend when you're 30." That killed me and I have never been able to forget or forgive her for saying it. Maybe one day I will let her know how much that broke me. She sometimes asks me if I have low self-esteem, and I'll think yes I do lady and it's because of you. She would ask with a patronizing tone "done you wanna lose weight" like yes, I do but its fricking hard especially since I have zero support.
I was losing some weight last year and was doing well until I had a set back and then gained it all back. I felt very ashamed of that. I tried again this year to lose. I buckled down, got a dietician, brought an exercise bike and was using it 4 days a week for 30 minutes. I started buying more fruits and veggies and my A1C even went down! Then I stepped on a scale last week and saw that I gained some weight since the last time I used the scale. I was defeated and angry and so I decided to look into weight loss surgery. Something I told myself I would never need because I am young, and I should just discipline myself and not take the easy way out. 
I need the extra help, so I refuse to punish myself for wanting this surgery. I have read multiple sources on what the surgeries do. The pros and cons and the success and failure stories. I see that there are more benefits that negatives, and I will do whatever it takes to improve myself before and after. I'm tired of swollen ankles and legs, I am tired of pained joints and heavy breathing, I am tired of feeling like I fill up the seat, I am tired of seeing my giant thighs spread when I am seated, I am tired of clothes not fitting, I tired of feeling hot and sticky all the time, I am tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and home, and I am tired of worrying about diabetes all the time. I am tired of my stomach sitting on my lap and hanging down, and I am very much tired of my family pointing out that I am fat, as if I wasn't there when it happened. 
I am ready to feel good about myself and I am ready to love myself. I haven't looked in a mirror in years and my mom and sister notice and call me out on it, which I am sick of. 
I am ready for a new me and a new body that I am not disgusted by and ashamed of. And I look forward to the journey and the day that body comes!