NickelChip

Technically I'm still considered overweight, too. Don't pay any attention to those charts or calculators. You look absolutely FANTASTIC!!! Congrats on your success!!!!! For reference, this was taken yesterday. I'm considered overweight. I don't care lol You're really doing awesome, be super proud!!!

In the interim, if all you want is something that sits on your left ring finger and says, "Back off, I'm taken," Amazon has super cheap sterling silver with CZ wedding ring sets that are surprisingly convincing. I stopped wearing my real ring after I began the divorce process (go figure, right?) but sometimes it's convenient to have a ring on, like when you're traveling alone, so that's what I got. I would never in a million years have chosen the ones I did for real, but they do the job and look pretty real.

Sounds like you had a wonderful time! You'll be completely swimming in that sweatshirt before you know it.

So glad you're here!
There is so much idiocy in the medical community regarding weight and weight loss. Doctors literally know 95% of people cannot physically lose more than a small amount of their weight and keep it off, but they act like everyone can except you and they can't figure out why you're not doing it. Imagine if they told diabetics they couldn't have insulin until they used their willpower to lower their blood sugar on their own, just to prove they take it seriously.
As for your ex partner, I hope on your behalf that certain parts of his anatomy shrivel up and fall off. You deserve better, no matter what weight you are at. It's hard not to internalize that kind of abuse, but remind yourself as often as you need to that he's garbage and did you a favor by taking himself out.

I can't express how much I truly appreciate the honest and careful feedback from all of you...
I DO want to change, and I know exactly what I'm doing to myself.
NICKELCHIP you are an angel and reading your response touched my soul...leaving me pretty speechless at the moment.
I do feel very alone in my journey and It's ok, but sometimes it would be nice having someone in my life who can understand the depth of my journey and what it really means to be a supportive person. I'm not asking or expecting of it, and I'm very grateful to have come across a lot of genuine and kind people on this website. Having some reassurance and affirmation DOES go a long way though.
I think therapy and speaking with my team is my best option at this point. Group therapy will help with accountability and having people around who understand. It's just the act of actually doing it. LOL
As NickelChip said in her response about being comfortable in failure...I felt that. Seems when I do something good for myself, I give up on continuing it. Or sabotage it completely.

Thank you ALL again SO much ❤️

I'm right at 5 months, and over the past few weeks, it has become HARD. In the beginning, I was dropping weight, had zero interest in food, and was totally motivated. But since the beginning of July, I've lost a pound. Actually, I've lost and gained and lost and gained that one pound multiple times. I've started feeling hungry sometimes again, and that's triggering all sorts of bad behaviors like getting up when I'm trying to avoid work (I work from home) and looking in the cupboard for a snack, not to mention craving sweets. It's been a constant fight. Not getting that reward of watching the scale dropping all the time kind of saps the motivation, I think. And the novelty wears off and you start to realize that you're in this for the long haul and maybe you start to rebel a little. You're not alone.
You say you're afraid of being judged, but you are judging yourself every time you do things you know you shouldn't do. You said it yourself. You're disgusted by what you're doing, but there's a reason you're doing it, and figuring that out is going to be the key to stopping it and changing.
I feel like there is probably a voice you hear in the back of your head telling you that you can't do this. Maybe there's literally someone saying it to you in your life, but most likely it's a voice in your head from a long time ago, one that sounds like you but probably was someone else when you first heard it. For me, it's my grandmother, and to some extent my dad. Never happy, never praising. Expecting perfection and scolding "for your own good" over every little thing. Ridiculing my weight despite being overweight themselves, but also overfeeding me because that's what they knew. Food was the enemy, but also a reward from emotionally stunted caregivers who had no other way to show affection.
When you can never fully meet expectations at a young age, you learn quickly that you will always fail. That may be the role you've played in your family. Maybe it's everything, or maybe just one thing, like being overweight. And when you start to succeed, it feels frightening because it challenges everything you have been taught to believe about yourself. If you're not "the fat friend", who are you? Or maybe being "the fat daughter" kept a jealous family member happy because you weren't "competition" that way. There are so many reasons we get into these patterns. But the point is, the patterns feel normal and safe. So you make sure you don't succeed and change too much or for too long. You're used to being disappointing to yourself. You can live with that. But admitting you're capable of succeeding and changing is really scary. Allowing yourself to challenge the roles other people want you to fulfill is the hardest thing you can do. At least that's my experience.
As for how to change, my first suggestion is talk to your team. That's why they're there, and they know what's going on because they've seen it before. Face it head on. Nothing they say is going to be any worse than what you are saying, and doing, to yourself. If you can get set up with a therapist, even better.
Second, get every source of temptation out of the house. The alcohol. The junk food. Whatever is making you stumble, get rid of it. Do your shopping online from now on, or curbside pickup because it is way easier not to give into temptation that way. You can't binge on what you don't have.
But skip the gym. It's really only about 10% of your success, anyway. Focus on Water, Protein, and Vitamins. You don't need the false guilt of the gym to make everything worse.
And third, get help from people you trust who are close to you if you can. Accountability is key. If going out to eat is an issue, tell your friends or family that you need their help not letting you go out to eat. Explain why you can't be around Snacks, or why you won't be ordering alcohol, and ask for their help. If you trust even one person in your life to tell what is really going on, tell them. You need another voice cheering you on instead of just your own head bringing you down.
Bottom line, something about what you are doing right now feels comfortable to you. It's a pattern that you can live with, even if you hate it. Something about what you were doing when you were following the rules was making you uncomfortable. Figure out what and why. You can't change your habits until you change that voice in your head, and until you can love yourself and cheer yourself on instead of being your own worst judge. But you have to believe you're worth it and be willing to do things that scare you in order to get past this fog and get to where you want to be.

Ok so almost 13 months post sleeve I am just 2.4kg / 5lb from my goal and have already passed the target weight set by my surgeon so I may revise my goal a bit, for a buffer, will see. Anyway here is a picture of me taken on holiday end March 2023 (4 months pre-op) which a friend sent me and a picture of me today in size 8 UK / 4 US (wide leg) jumpsuit.
Not brave enough (yet anyway) to share my face.
 

A new week beckons 🙂
London was fab, a break that was very much needed by both of us. The hotel was very nice, the staff were fantastic, couldn’t do enough to help but some of the guests were just entitled dickheads. You know something is amiss when you say ‘thank you’ and the member of staff looks completely surprised. There were film crews there - one was something about a reality music show shown on MTV/Paramount possibly Love and Hip Hop Atlanta?? Not my thing so wasn’t too fussed. Did chat to a lovely crew lady though who filled us in on what was happening. Also there was some setting up to do regarding some additional Mission Impossible 8 shooting. Apparently the hotel was used for a lot of interior shots 🤷‍♀️ Didn’t see anyone famous though!
Anyway, I was complemented on a couple of my outfits which gave me a real buzz! Having my makeup done was actually a lovely thing. It really helped that the MUA was very approachable and actually listened. The Pet Shop Boys were as brilliant as ever and a wonderful time was definitely had! Hubby bought me a commemorative PSB sweatshirt which is a XXL and fits like sausage skin. So, my next goal is to fit in to it comfortably. I think it’s definitely losing a couple of dress sizes 😬 (if not more)
I’ve added 3.5lbs to last week’s weight, which isn’t bad, considering. I have my dietitian appointment in 3 weeks and I’m hoping to get that gain and a few more lbs off by then. I never thought I would miss Protein Shakes and Protein yoghurt quite so much!
I hope everyone has an awesome week ahead
Onwards and Downwards!

For comparison, because I know your other option is a revision to bypass, I am 5 months post RNY and I can already easily eat a cup and a half of some foods, such as Soups, salads, or yogurt and berries. I can often eat 3-4 oz of meat, or a full can of tuna, plus veggies along with it. My brother, who is about 15 years post-sleeve, can finish a regular plate of food in a sitting (by which I mean a reasonable serving of something like chicken, veg, and starch, not what they give you in a restaurant that has 1800 calories and is enough for 3 people).
SADI will probably change your metabolism in a more powerful way than bypass because that is what the research shows it does. But since you've already had a sleeve, it's possible that neither revision will have the full effect on you that it would someone who is getting a surgery for the first time. And whichever option you choose, I do think in the long term, it's less about whether you can eat a certain volume of food and more about what food you choose to eat. Basically all bariatric surgeries typically result in having more capacity the further out you get, so it's what you do with that capacity that makes the difference in success over time.
I can tell you that my brother has regained about half the weight he initially lost not because of how much food he can eat but because of how much beer he drinks every day (he admits as much). And if I regain weight in the future, I already know it will not be because I am eating 6 oz of chicken and 2 cups of steamed broccoli in a sitting. It will be because I haven't managed to curb my sweets cravings (and yes, I can still eat plenty of sugar and fat without getting sick) and too often give into the convenience of processed foods and simple carbs. Those are my weaknesses, so that's what I'm trying to work on now while the effects of the surgery are still fresh. But no surgery can fix it for me, unfortunately.
Basically, any revision you choose at this stage will give you a new and more powerful tool to work with. No surgery will address the underlying destructive habits that lead to weight regain.

For comparison, because I know your other option is a revision to bypass, I am 5 months post RNY and I can already easily eat a cup and a half of some foods, such as Soups, salads, or yogurt and berries. I can often eat 3-4 oz of meat, or a full can of tuna, plus veggies along with it. My brother, who is about 15 years post-sleeve, can finish a regular plate of food in a sitting (by which I mean a reasonable serving of something like chicken, veg, and starch, not what they give you in a restaurant that has 1800 calories and is enough for 3 people).
SADI will probably change your metabolism in a more powerful way than bypass because that is what the research shows it does. But since you've already had a sleeve, it's possible that neither revision will have the full effect on you that it would someone who is getting a surgery for the first time. And whichever option you choose, I do think in the long term, it's less about whether you can eat a certain volume of food and more about what food you choose to eat. Basically all bariatric surgeries typically result in having more capacity the further out you get, so it's what you do with that capacity that makes the difference in success over time.
I can tell you that my brother has regained about half the weight he initially lost not because of how much food he can eat but because of how much beer he drinks every day (he admits as much). And if I regain weight in the future, I already know it will not be because I am eating 6 oz of chicken and 2 cups of steamed broccoli in a sitting. It will be because I haven't managed to curb my sweets cravings (and yes, I can still eat plenty of sugar and fat without getting sick) and too often give into the convenience of processed foods and simple carbs. Those are my weaknesses, so that's what I'm trying to work on now while the effects of the surgery are still fresh. But no surgery can fix it for me, unfortunately.
Basically, any revision you choose at this stage will give you a new and more powerful tool to work with. No surgery will address the underlying destructive habits that lead to weight regain.

It's great that your body is starting to regulate! But also... periods, boo!
I started using the Mirena IUD after my youngest was born, so going on 13 years of no periods (although not everyone has that luck with it). However, the last couple months, I have had noticeable spotting that lasted several days, and also the tenderness in my breasts that I always had with my period. So definitely there's something changing for me, too, with weight loss, even though it's being masked a bit more because of the birth control. I was starting to wonder, since I'm 50 now, if maybe I was done (hard to know if you've hit menopause with Mirena) but this seems to have answered that question, anyway.

I have to say I haven't come across a Protein Powder that could be sprinkled over a popsicle without clumping and being disgusting. But I did add unflavored Protein powder to Tomato Soup in the early weeks because I got really turned off by sweet shakes early on. It gave it a similar taste and color as if you'd added a little bit of cream. I want to say I was allowed Tomato Soup right away (smooth, no chunks).

For comparison, because I know your other option is a revision to bypass, I am 5 months post RNY and I can already easily eat a cup and a half of some foods, such as Soups, salads, or yogurt and berries. I can often eat 3-4 oz of meat, or a full can of tuna, plus veggies along with it. My brother, who is about 15 years post-sleeve, can finish a regular plate of food in a sitting (by which I mean a reasonable serving of something like chicken, veg, and starch, not what they give you in a restaurant that has 1800 calories and is enough for 3 people).
SADI will probably change your metabolism in a more powerful way than bypass because that is what the research shows it does. But since you've already had a sleeve, it's possible that neither revision will have the full effect on you that it would someone who is getting a surgery for the first time. And whichever option you choose, I do think in the long term, it's less about whether you can eat a certain volume of food and more about what food you choose to eat. Basically all bariatric surgeries typically result in having more capacity the further out you get, so it's what you do with that capacity that makes the difference in success over time.
I can tell you that my brother has regained about half the weight he initially lost not because of how much food he can eat but because of how much beer he drinks every day (he admits as much). And if I regain weight in the future, I already know it will not be because I am eating 6 oz of chicken and 2 cups of steamed broccoli in a sitting. It will be because I haven't managed to curb my sweets cravings (and yes, I can still eat plenty of sugar and fat without getting sick) and too often give into the convenience of processed foods and simple carbs. Those are my weaknesses, so that's what I'm trying to work on now while the effects of the surgery are still fresh. But no surgery can fix it for me, unfortunately.
Basically, any revision you choose at this stage will give you a new and more powerful tool to work with. No surgery will address the underlying destructive habits that lead to weight regain.

Good for you with your loss. I guess you showed them!!
i would love to lose it all but I know that not likely going to happen with either of these surgeries. I was not always obese. In fact, I was quite tiny until I was 25. I started gaining right around the time my bipolar manifested and i started on the meds. I have lost weight here and there but overall I have gained steadily ever since. I was used to seeing myself thin more than half my life, though and i have not been happy with my body since I was like 30. I often see people on here say they see a stranger when they lose weight but I still see a stranger when I look in the mirror now.

I realize that I am not in my twenties anymore and I’m not going to be a size one again but if I had a magic wand I would love to be close. I set my goal to 180 with the sleeve and I did surpass that a bit but I still wasn’t happy if I’m being honest. The dr had told me that I would probably get to around 150 so when I didn’t I was pretty let down. This time I think I will be happier to get to the 168 than I was before. Now I realize that I was at least healthy at that weight but I would still keep trying to go a little lower if I could.

i think I will figure it out in terms of the surgery once I calm down a bit. The logical part of me knows that either one will get me to a much healthier weight, which is the most important thing. I don’t know why I am freaking out so much this time when I was so calm with my sleeve. I do have some pretty major stuff happening in my personal life that’s occupying a lot of my brainpower this time so maybe that’s why this decision is feeling so overwhelming.

I really do appreciate all of your kind and thoughtful responses as well as everyone else’s here. I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without the support of this community. ❤️

So by 8 months post op with the sleeve, I started having complications. But before that, I was able to eat a cup to a cup and a half of food, depending on what it was. Now a year out from my revision to bypass, I have 2 cups of Protein Cereal, or 1 small piece of steak and 1/4 cup of cheesy peas. Or I can have a can of Soup. I can have 2 chicken drum sticks and 1/4 cup of veggies. It's not so much HOW MUCH you eat as it is WHAT you eat. I'm careful with what I eat, I still log and track everything, and I avoid sugar (or go with no sugar added if it's unavoidable) and rarely use salt (but use Himalayan salt if I REALLY need it). It's about how often you eat and what you're eating. I don't graze. I eat 3 meals and 2 Snacks. I don't drink alcohol (empty calories and carbs), I don't drink soda (again, empty calories and carbs and frankly, don't like the taste anymore), and I made sure to find alternatives to things I use to eat a lot that are healthier but still yummy. I don't feel like I'm deprived because it all tastes good.

For comparison, because I know your other option is a revision to bypass, I am 5 months post RNY and I can already easily eat a cup and a half of some foods, such as Soups, salads, or yogurt and berries. I can often eat 3-4 oz of meat, or a full can of tuna, plus veggies along with it. My brother, who is about 15 years post-sleeve, can finish a regular plate of food in a sitting (by which I mean a reasonable serving of something like chicken, veg, and starch, not what they give you in a restaurant that has 1800 calories and is enough for 3 people).
SADI will probably change your metabolism in a more powerful way than bypass because that is what the research shows it does. But since you've already had a sleeve, it's possible that neither revision will have the full effect on you that it would someone who is getting a surgery for the first time. And whichever option you choose, I do think in the long term, it's less about whether you can eat a certain volume of food and more about what food you choose to eat. Basically all bariatric surgeries typically result in having more capacity the further out you get, so it's what you do with that capacity that makes the difference in success over time.
I can tell you that my brother has regained about half the weight he initially lost not because of how much food he can eat but because of how much beer he drinks every day (he admits as much). And if I regain weight in the future, I already know it will not be because I am eating 6 oz of chicken and 2 cups of steamed broccoli in a sitting. It will be because I haven't managed to curb my sweets cravings (and yes, I can still eat plenty of sugar and fat without getting sick) and too often give into the convenience of processed foods and simple carbs. Those are my weaknesses, so that's what I'm trying to work on now while the effects of the surgery are still fresh. But no surgery can fix it for me, unfortunately.
Basically, any revision you choose at this stage will give you a new and more powerful tool to work with. No surgery will address the underlying destructive habits that lead to weight regain.

so heres the funny thing:
my original goal was 120 lbs, but i actually called goal when i got to 127 lbs cuz i felt like i was looking too skinny/sickly. this was as 7 months post op.
as time went by, the lost a bit more weight, the gained a bit of that back.
im 5.5 years post op today and weighed 119.5 lbs this morning....which is roughly 7 lbs LESS than when i thought i looked like dead man walking all those years ago....BUT....honestly, i feel like i look waaaaayyyy better and healthier and fitter now, at a lighter weight! further, there are some days when i legitimately think i could lose 5lbs for effs sakes.
things tend to shift around and settle and regular exercise does WONDERS for one's physique.
long story short: a particular weight can look totally different on you at any particular time in ur life. dont worry so much about the number on the scale and trust what you see in the mirror or how your clothes fit and how you FEEL.
Good luck! ❤️

It's great that your body is starting to regulate! But also... periods, boo!
I started using the Mirena IUD after my youngest was born, so going on 13 years of no periods (although not everyone has that luck with it). However, the last couple months, I have had noticeable spotting that lasted several days, and also the tenderness in my breasts that I always had with my period. So definitely there's something changing for me, too, with weight loss, even though it's being masked a bit more because of the birth control. I was starting to wonder, since I'm 50 now, if maybe I was done (hard to know if you've hit menopause with Mirena) but this seems to have answered that question, anyway.

100% this! I bought a lot of bariatric versions of things that I think helped me mentally before surgery, because feeling like I was preparing made me less anxious, but that I truly did not need. This includes portion plates and special containers, not to mention way too much Protein Powder and things like Jello packets I've barely touched 5 months out.

100% this! I bought a lot of bariatric versions of things that I think helped me mentally before surgery, because feeling like I was preparing made me less anxious, but that I truly did not need. This includes portion plates and special containers, not to mention way too much Protein Powder and things like Jello packets I've barely touched 5 months out.

I've just got some generic version, it shows measurements both in 1/2c increments and 125ml increments. The half cup is more useful, but even the full cup works out cause I'm often happy to eat the same thing two days in row. I never considered regular ice cube trays though -- way more cost efficient.

So let me update my WDYWYHD Before WLS: I wish I'd considered how to best use kitchen stuff I already have on hand rather than wasting money on things I didn't really need to buy 'special versions' of. XD

I'm right at 5 months, and over the past few weeks, it has become HARD. In the beginning, I was dropping weight, had zero interest in food, and was totally motivated. But since the beginning of July, I've lost a pound. Actually, I've lost and gained and lost and gained that one pound multiple times. I've started feeling hungry sometimes again, and that's triggering all sorts of bad behaviors like getting up when I'm trying to avoid work (I work from home) and looking in the cupboard for a snack, not to mention craving sweets. It's been a constant fight. Not getting that reward of watching the scale dropping all the time kind of saps the motivation, I think. And the novelty wears off and you start to realize that you're in this for the long haul and maybe you start to rebel a little. You're not alone.
You say you're afraid of being judged, but you are judging yourself every time you do things you know you shouldn't do. You said it yourself. You're disgusted by what you're doing, but there's a reason you're doing it, and figuring that out is going to be the key to stopping it and changing.
I feel like there is probably a voice you hear in the back of your head telling you that you can't do this. Maybe there's literally someone saying it to you in your life, but most likely it's a voice in your head from a long time ago, one that sounds like you but probably was someone else when you first heard it. For me, it's my grandmother, and to some extent my dad. Never happy, never praising. Expecting perfection and scolding "for your own good" over every little thing. Ridiculing my weight despite being overweight themselves, but also overfeeding me because that's what they knew. Food was the enemy, but also a reward from emotionally stunted caregivers who had no other way to show affection.
When you can never fully meet expectations at a young age, you learn quickly that you will always fail. That may be the role you've played in your family. Maybe it's everything, or maybe just one thing, like being overweight. And when you start to succeed, it feels frightening because it challenges everything you have been taught to believe about yourself. If you're not "the fat friend", who are you? Or maybe being "the fat daughter" kept a jealous family member happy because you weren't "competition" that way. There are so many reasons we get into these patterns. But the point is, the patterns feel normal and safe. So you make sure you don't succeed and change too much or for too long. You're used to being disappointing to yourself. You can live with that. But admitting you're capable of succeeding and changing is really scary. Allowing yourself to challenge the roles other people want you to fulfill is the hardest thing you can do. At least that's my experience.
As for how to change, my first suggestion is talk to your team. That's why they're there, and they know what's going on because they've seen it before. Face it head on. Nothing they say is going to be any worse than what you are saying, and doing, to yourself. If you can get set up with a therapist, even better.
Second, get every source of temptation out of the house. The alcohol. The junk food. Whatever is making you stumble, get rid of it. Do your shopping online from now on, or curbside pickup because it is way easier not to give into temptation that way. You can't binge on what you don't have.
But skip the gym. It's really only about 10% of your success, anyway. Focus on Water, Protein, and Vitamins. You don't need the false guilt of the gym to make everything worse.
And third, get help from people you trust who are close to you if you can. Accountability is key. If going out to eat is an issue, tell your friends or family that you need their help not letting you go out to eat. Explain why you can't be around Snacks, or why you won't be ordering alcohol, and ask for their help. If you trust even one person in your life to tell what is really going on, tell them. You need another voice cheering you on instead of just your own head bringing you down.
Bottom line, something about what you are doing right now feels comfortable to you. It's a pattern that you can live with, even if you hate it. Something about what you were doing when you were following the rules was making you uncomfortable. Figure out what and why. You can't change your habits until you change that voice in your head, and until you can love yourself and cheer yourself on instead of being your own worst judge. But you have to believe you're worth it and be willing to do things that scare you in order to get past this fog and get to where you want to be.

The curls are gorgeous! That's a really nice length and style to frame your face, very flattering.

For me, the pain wasn't bad. I needed liquid Tylenol for the first 3 days, a few times per day (tip: look for the ADULT formula because the child formula tastes horrible and is thicker, like gel). I had one incision that would give twinges for about a week, but it passed quickly. I did not experience gas pain. I found a weighted heating pad on my abdomen at night was very soothing.
I was very tired and found it difficult to focus. If possible, don't tax yourself.I walked frequently, but not far. So I was moving around but not logging a huge number of steps.
By week 3, I felt relatively normal. By the end of month 2, I was pretty much back to my old self with the bonus of quite a bit more energy, and I could navigate eating in restaurants without too much trouble (I went on a weekend trip out of town at around 8 weeks post op).

I'm right at 5 months, and over the past few weeks, it has become HARD. In the beginning, I was dropping weight, had zero interest in food, and was totally motivated. But since the beginning of July, I've lost a pound. Actually, I've lost and gained and lost and gained that one pound multiple times. I've started feeling hungry sometimes again, and that's triggering all sorts of bad behaviors like getting up when I'm trying to avoid work (I work from home) and looking in the cupboard for a snack, not to mention craving sweets. It's been a constant fight. Not getting that reward of watching the scale dropping all the time kind of saps the motivation, I think. And the novelty wears off and you start to realize that you're in this for the long haul and maybe you start to rebel a little. You're not alone.
You say you're afraid of being judged, but you are judging yourself every time you do things you know you shouldn't do. You said it yourself. You're disgusted by what you're doing, but there's a reason you're doing it, and figuring that out is going to be the key to stopping it and changing.
I feel like there is probably a voice you hear in the back of your head telling you that you can't do this. Maybe there's literally someone saying it to you in your life, but most likely it's a voice in your head from a long time ago, one that sounds like you but probably was someone else when you first heard it. For me, it's my grandmother, and to some extent my dad. Never happy, never praising. Expecting perfection and scolding "for your own good" over every little thing. Ridiculing my weight despite being overweight themselves, but also overfeeding me because that's what they knew. Food was the enemy, but also a reward from emotionally stunted caregivers who had no other way to show affection.
When you can never fully meet expectations at a young age, you learn quickly that you will always fail. That may be the role you've played in your family. Maybe it's everything, or maybe just one thing, like being overweight. And when you start to succeed, it feels frightening because it challenges everything you have been taught to believe about yourself. If you're not "the fat friend", who are you? Or maybe being "the fat daughter" kept a jealous family member happy because you weren't "competition" that way. There are so many reasons we get into these patterns. But the point is, the patterns feel normal and safe. So you make sure you don't succeed and change too much or for too long. You're used to being disappointing to yourself. You can live with that. But admitting you're capable of succeeding and changing is really scary. Allowing yourself to challenge the roles other people want you to fulfill is the hardest thing you can do. At least that's my experience.
As for how to change, my first suggestion is talk to your team. That's why they're there, and they know what's going on because they've seen it before. Face it head on. Nothing they say is going to be any worse than what you are saying, and doing, to yourself. If you can get set up with a therapist, even better.
Second, get every source of temptation out of the house. The alcohol. The junk food. Whatever is making you stumble, get rid of it. Do your shopping online from now on, or curbside pickup because it is way easier not to give into temptation that way. You can't binge on what you don't have.
But skip the gym. It's really only about 10% of your success, anyway. Focus on Water, Protein, and Vitamins. You don't need the false guilt of the gym to make everything worse.
And third, get help from people you trust who are close to you if you can. Accountability is key. If going out to eat is an issue, tell your friends or family that you need their help not letting you go out to eat. Explain why you can't be around Snacks, or why you won't be ordering alcohol, and ask for their help. If you trust even one person in your life to tell what is really going on, tell them. You need another voice cheering you on instead of just your own head bringing you down.
Bottom line, something about what you are doing right now feels comfortable to you. It's a pattern that you can live with, even if you hate it. Something about what you were doing when you were following the rules was making you uncomfortable. Figure out what and why. You can't change your habits until you change that voice in your head, and until you can love yourself and cheer yourself on instead of being your own worst judge. But you have to believe you're worth it and be willing to do things that scare you in order to get past this fog and get to where you want to be.