Rachk01

I had serious doubts about getting the gastric sleeve a few days before my surgery. I expressed them to my husband but he thought I was just nervous and wanted to support me, so he urged me to go through with it. I hate it though. I hate my life now and I'm not sure if I will ever not hate it. I have a couple close friends and they did not feel this way 4 weeks post-op like I do. I cry all the time. I'm worried something is wrong and terrified of having to go through any kind of revision surgery. I'm an American living in Germany and it is so difficult to contact my surgeons office and get anyone who speaks enough english to help me. I started my WL journey about 4 years ago when we were stationed in Italy. I was denied a medically necessary breast reduction because my BMI was too high. So I was referred for weight loss guidance.First, I was sent to the base nutritionist (a perfectly in shape airman) who told me I needed to work out more and eat more whole vegetables. I had to work with him for 1+ years before being able to try any WL medications. Unfortunately that was in early 2019, and we all know how the next few years went. We PCS'd to a new base in Germany in 2020 and when I asked about the WL medications I was told that was not an option here. They recommended I carry on with my (now virtual) nutritionist. I wasn't losing any weight and working out would send my back into spasms from my H cups breasts. I was taking a combination of Flexural, Motrin, and Valium for my back spasms, only using the Valium when they were at a level 8 or above pain level (so less than 1 valium a month). Turns out not only could I not get WL meds here, I also could not get a refill on my Valium. I had used too much (less than 1 pill a month for a year). So any weight training was immediately phased out of my working out, which now consisted of only walking. This past summer I went back and told them I really need a breast reduction and if I had to go the WLS route then I was open to that. The provider (who has had WLS themself) was very on board with WLS. I told them that I had already done the nutrition part at my previous base, so he put in the surgical consult referral right away. After I met with the surgeon, who surprise, surprise wanted to operate (surgeons always gonna surgeon), my provider put in the referral for my surgery and stated that all prerequisites had been completed at prior base. Then boom... endoscopy and surgery scheduled. Now all I had said was that I went to nutrition at my previous base and continued it virtually. So I had no idea what other preqs there could be. I had a few meeting with the nutritionist here about the gastric pre/post op diet. That's it. I learned about the full liquid to clear liquid pre-op and clear liquid to full liquid to purees to soft foods diet post op. I was completely unprepared mentally and emotionally for this surgery. Not to mention I had done all my pre-op nutrition with the American on base nutritionist and post-op was with the German hospital nutritionist. They had completely different guidelines (like the Germans wanted me to start soft solids on DAY 5 post op and stop protein shakes immediately). I was in the hospital for 4 days with nurses who spoke very little English, so they would give me shots and pills but never tell me what they were giving me. I know a small amount of German, enough to get by with running errands and what not, so I understood one nurse when after I told her my German was minimal and asked if she could speak English, she got annoyed with me and told me I was never going to be allowed to go home. The patient liaison from base sorted it out and the issue was the hospital nutritionist would not do my consult without an in person translator that I needed to provide and I could not be discharged without that consultation. I felt like I was drowning; I still feel like I'm barely able to tread water now at 4 weeks post-op. My end goal wasn't WL to be skinny. I just wanted a breast reduction. Before surgery I didn't have high blood pressure, diabetes, GERD, sleep apnea, high cholesterol...zero comorbidities. For all intents and purposes I was a healthy fat lady with giant boobs. So post surgery I was/am overwhelmed with regret. There's all these things I feel like I didn't know and wasn't prepared for. Like I knew I was going to be eating smaller portions, but didn't know about the tiny bites and chewing things until its mush in your mouth for the rest of your life. I didn't know that my stomach would be almost too swollen to drink water after surgery and that the german hospital only provided water and broth, no popsicles or jello. So I spent my days in the hospital feeling nauseous all the time because drinking water made me taste blood in my mouth and that made me gag, all while my nurse tisked me and told me I was never going home. No one asked if I had a history of eating disorders (which I do) and how this surgery and diet are going to bring up old thoughts and feelings of self harm and negative self talking. No one weighed out if the possible negative side effects of the surgery were stronger than the positives. Pre surgery I took ZERO daily meds other than a daily vitamin. Now I need an antacid and stool softener to be able to ingest anything other than water and not tear myself in half in the bathroom. I also need daily tylenol because eating anything gives me a massive headache. I don't even want to eat anymore. I spend 30 minutes forcing myself to take tiny bites of some high protein food and then I spend the next hour actively trying not to barf it back up. Without tylenol I am running at 99F, but when I eat it goes up to 100-101. The doctor said its not an emergency unless its 101.5, which is hasn't gotten to yet. And even if it did, what would I do?! The hospital was horrible. My hand still hurts from where the nurse wouldn't flush my IV, so the port go blocked and all he fluid and medicine soaked into the flesh of my hand, making it swell up like Wreck It Ralph. I had an allergic reaction that made me sneeze for days after surgery. No one would offer any help or advice about my sneezing. They told me to eat less, but I wasn't eating anything at all. I just hate this. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate the thought of chewing until something is a mushy paste. I hate life. I just wanted a breast reduction and now I feel like I've had a life reduction.