lunaticfish

I've always been big, ever since I was a kid. Had the sleeve in 2016. It went incredibly well the first year! Then gained most of it back.
 
It was devastating. But instead of letting the failure get to me, I told myself to instead look into why I was unsuccessful after making so much effort. Discovered undiagnosed depression, ptsd, and sleep apnea, and began therapy, a cpap, and some medication (150 mg bupropion sr). With that I immediately overcame a mild binge eating disorder I hadn't realized I had and gained a ton of energy. Just this year I also discovered and (through a very long process) was diagnosed with adhd, which explained the leftover occasional boredom eating that overcoming my previous habits didn't affect! But I've been steadily on therapy and continually improving my behaviors and coping abilities for more than 5 years now.
 
I hadn't planned on trying the surgery again; I assumed it wasn't possible? This was disheartening since weight just does not come off of me, and even when I ignored weight and decided to try recomposition/muscle gain instead it was just completely unsustainable for me. (And I love weight training!) Now I understand a lot of that difficulty sustaining effort is my adhd brain refusing to do anything that doesn't give much result or show much progress. (It also explains why I had about a year in high school when I was only 170 lbs; trauma and chaos keeps an adhd brain nice and stimulated lol.) But even with my adhd, ultimately the biggest obstacle is that my body is just extremely resistant to recomposition of any kind.
 
With all this information I learned about myself, I came to see bariatric surgery for the incredibly powerful tool that it is. When I had the sleeve, I had no idea I wasn't ready for it. (I'm very high-functioning.) I benefited from the tool but I didn't utilize the tool. Now, I've made daily habit of the things I should have been doing then, but I no longer have the tool that is the key to actually succeeding in my specific circumstance.
 
So this year I decided I had nothing to lose with pursuing a revision/conversion. Then I got an endoscopy from my surgeon (same one!) and he said a conversion is fine to do! This surprised me! So I reentered the program. My bariatric office put me on the 3 month/short track and approved me, and have never once expressed concern that I may not be approved by my insurance which they certainly would have if they were unsure.
 
So I now feel I'm ready to successfully get this surgery at long last, if my insurance will let me get the conversion. My surgery is on the 27th of January as long as it's approved! I feel so different this time. Last time I was excited beyond belief, waiting for my dreams to come true and for the surgery to lift me into becoming someone who is habitually diligent with their health. This time I'm grateful, since this is really my most realistic shot I have at losing any weight, but I'm also not too focused on it. It just feels like a tool now, and I understand that tool now, and I see realistically what it is and what I need to do to make a successful pairing with it. I think I will make a good partner this time. UvU
 
As long as insurance approves it.