TheGh0st

Kitty - I know it is probably one of the scariest things to do considering the situation right now. But I also agree that the next time he says something nice while you are "sleeping". Let him know you are awake, maybe just say something like "I love you too dear" without trying to start a conversation. You never know maybe he is secretly hoping you really are awake, but at the same time afraid of the flood gates that his comment might open. By flood gates I guess I mean long serious conversations he may not be willing to have yet or renewed attempts at physical contact he is also not yet willing to accept.

Robyn I'm glad to hear your surgery is done. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all these struggles.

:high5:Regina - I also wanted to thankyou for your post. Your story sounds so similar to mine, all except the turn around ofcourse. I'm still too scared to take that step for fear he will call my bluff. Though I'm getting closer & closer to wondering if it would be a bluff as well. Here's to the rest of us finding a method and the courage to find a path that works for us as well. Wherever that path may take us. - Diane

I appreciate everyone's comments re:life being too short to be with someone who doesn't treat us right. I have NOT been offended by anyone who has made that argument nor do I want to offend them for what I'm about to say. However, you have to remember this board is discussing one issue within a marriage, Intimacy. And though that is a very important aspect of a relationship it is just ONE part of what makes up the very large and complicated beast we call marriage. If everyone left their partners just because they were not getting every aspect of their relationship right, I firmly believe the divorce rate would be closer to 99% than the already poor 50+% it is now. As their are precious few if any people out their much less couples that are always on their best behaviour in all aspects of their life. Marriage is not always pretty and most of the time it is down right hard work (and dare I say... full of mutual compromises). There is nothing wrong with us venting here, it's good for us. And I'm not trying to say that everyone should just stay with their spouses no matter what. I'm just saying its not always best to cut and run when the going gets tough. For me the lack of non-bedroom intimacy is just one of a handfull of problems between my DH & I. Compared to the list of good things that also come with this relationship I still feel its worth fighting for.

Badonkadonkbut - I can so relate!!! Other than your specifics about kids/pets I could have written your post. I know that most of the people here are posting that they want more sex, But our lack of intimacy outside the bedroom is as much a problem. I will say I did try putting the brakes on sex early on in our marriage when it became clear he wasn't good at all the important aspects of intimacy outside the bedroom (communication, respect, touches, looks, etc.) And I would get SO very mad at people that would suggest that a good wife would just shut up and put out (always said in a nicer more "christian" way ofcourse) And I still don't like that idea but sometimes I wonder if by learning to settle for only being "close" to him in bed has turned me into just that person. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the time we spend together having sex, and it's only getting better as I shrink. BUT neither my willingness to "participate" or my loss of weight haven't improved our relationship outside the bedroom in any way. Sometimes I still think of pulling back and trying to find another way to get him to open up outside the bedroom.

All this talk about sleeping naked is fine. But for me the only problems we've had in the bedroom have been more my lack of desire not his. But my lack of desire is a direct result of a lack of intimacy outside the bedroom. So, maybe I ought to just try running around the house naked after our son goes to bed and see if that sparks some intimacy outside the bedroom.

Sorry Chantay. The pic didn't work and I'm not sure how to do it. Just wanted to say hi back at you. This board has been too quiet lately.

Thanks for the info. I really want to do this and am not too worried about the pain. More worried about work firing me if I can't get back in a reasonable time. Maybe even more worried that my husband won't let me go back for the additional nips/tucks I want after the first one. I'm looking at: Tummy Tuck, Breast Reduction, Arms & Inner Thighs Depending on where I look it appears this will be at least 2 if not 4 surgeries. I have been playing with a Physical therapy technique I saw on a TV show to try to help improve my arms without surgery. I can post pics & a description of what I did for anyone interested. I've been doing it for 2 weeks to just my left arm (to see if it really worked) and there is already a 1-inch difference between the two. But even though it is better it still doesn't look good enough for me not to want surgery.

I've fantasized about asking him to use a tool but am too embarrased to ask and when he does use fingers or the rare occasion mouth (OMG I can't believe I said that) I can't stop thinking about how it might hurt him that I get so much more pleasure from that than from the actual sex, so I hold back and still don't climax. I really do think a lot our problems revove around my own hang-ups with my body image. So the option of looking for someone else really wouldn't help much. I know his lack of intimacy outside the bedroom doesn't help, but then again some of that may stem from my own image problems. After all there are only so many times any partner can try to re-assure you over a 14+ year marriage before they just quit trying. I know I should seek counseling but that opens a whole other area of issues with my father and the fact he was/is a counselor. Making me not too fond of working with any counselor. I'm hoping that somehow after the Plastic Surgery and with help from boards like this one I can get over my own body image issues without "professional" help. Then maybe I'll just have to start walking around the house naked, maybe that would help outside the bedroom. Rewind, that might not be a great idea with a 3-1/2 yr old son. Well, maybe after he goes to bed then, we could always tie a bell to his door and keep a robe nearby:D

OK if I'm going to be posting here I suppose I ought to tell my story. My DH & I have an adequate sex life if you go by count. 1-2 times per week is the norm at the moment. And as the weight has come off it has been better, at least he thinks so. But, I can't believe I'm telling anyone this but in our 14 years I've only reached an orgasm during sex once. Though to be honest despite being way to active pre-marriage I never had one then either. Mechanical means seem to be the only sure method for me. And my husband thinks they are wrong. He had a self proclaimed problem with porn addition when he was younger and hates all things related to porn. Personally I feel that is just normal male behaviour but it's his hang up. I on the other hand have a problem letting go during sex. I'm alternately obsessing over how horrible I think my boddy looks with all the extra skin (formerly weight), or thinking about how silly I sound when I do start to get excited that it ruins my mood. My other and to me bigger problem with the whole intimacy thing is outside of the bedroom. My husband is not a touchy person. He never just holds my hand or hugs me spontaneously. I always have to initiate it and even then he always gives me one of those "do I have to" looks and pulls away the first chance he gets. Nor is he vocal with his affection. He says "I love you" all the time but it always means "Whatever, maybe if I say I love you she'll go away and leave me alone" or something similar. The lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom makes it that much harder to feel like his interest in having sex is something he really wants to have with me or wether I'm just a convienent outlet for him. I use to refuse to have sex with him when we first married because of this and we would sometimes go 1-2 months without sex and even when we did he knew I didn't really want to. But now I've learned to just do it even if I'm not feeling like it's really me he wants more than the sex, in the hopes that at somepoint he will either really want me or I will realize that he has all along and it was my own hang-ups about the weight that fooled me into thinking he didn't really want me. I should probably re-read this to see if any of it was coherent but if I do I'll just delete it, so here goes.

For those that are still curios. One Stone is 14 pounds. That would put your starting weight at 268 and current at 182. You look fantastic!!! I am just starting the process of getting consults for my TT and breast reduction. I'm curious though, do you work? Have you gone back to work yet or feel you could if you had to? I have a desk job as a bookeeper but won't get any paid time off for the surgery so ever day I miss is costing me more money.

OK mine doesn't plug into the wall, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that has used a massager for other purposes. Mine is a Walgreens back masager that lights up red. I'm always living in fear of my husband catching me with the red glow and all! I'd like to get something a bit more substantial but am too embarrased to go into a store alone or to buy one online. I even have a hidden DVD for those rare occasions he & our son go out of town.

Thankyou for the update. That is a long time to wait in so much pain. You would think he could get someone who isn't banded yet to postpone their surgery a few days. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Congrats PAULAX!!:high5:

OK Robyn, Where are you? How did the appointment go? Are you alright or are you not posting because you are in the hospital? Angela have you heard from her? I'm worried.

You and your entire family are in my prayers tonight. Please keep us posted! As far as your band. I agree with everyone else especially JulieNYC. I'm not a big advocate for the necessity of Protein supplements replacing good food choices over the long haul but during this time of stress and healing it may be the quickest and healthiest choice for you. My list would include: Liquids: Grape Frost Isopure from GNC (add some Crystal Light Lemonade if the flavor is too bland) SlimFast Low Carb drinks 20+grams protein, 2 g Carbs (after you deduct fiber), 190 calories plus approx 30% of many daily Vitamins & minerals. Hate the brand name but it's about the best Protein Drink I've found for nutrition. Mushies Protein puddings - either buy them premade from places like GNC or make them yourself by adding protein powders to sugar free pudding made with Skim Milk. (though making them does take more time it gives you much more flavor options including cheesecake) yogurt (with or without stirring in some protein powders) Nacho cheese Soup Protein Snacks String Cheese (I like dipping them in yogurt) Microwave some Hormel Turkey Pepperoni until crisp for a high protein alternative to potato chips but watch the sodium. for a healthier emotional eating option freeze the protein pudding until nearly frozen, stir and eat like soft ice cream. You can also take the edge off that fake chocolate taste buy stirring in a spoonfull of Peanut Butter.

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic, but I wanted to post a clarification to my previous comment about divorce just in case it may have hurt or offended anyone. Just because I stated that in my view of Christianity I would not divorce my husband unless he was unfaithfull does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT! mean I believe others are sinner or wrong to have done differently. It is strictly my own personal belief system in my own personal life, and not one I presume to force or expect anyone else to follow. Each person must walk their own path and I respect all who have the conviction to follow their own belief systems, wether it be Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist or otherwise.

NU ME - As a christian & mother myself I can respect your desire to want to stay with him and make it work. I'm currently having some severe problems with my own marriage and if it weren't for the church and the children I think I would be strongly thinking of leaving him. But some of what "Enterprise" is saying hits home with me as well. My parents were married for 35 years in a very loveless marriage. Staying together for the same reasons. And since before Junior high I begged, yelled, cried for them to give it up and divorce, even though at the same time I didn't (and still don't) believe divorce is something God want us to do unless one has been unfaithfull. But as thier child it was very painfull to feel as if it were my fault in part for them remaining together. Finally after 35 years of marriage and years after my sister & I moved out my father did leave her and now 6 years later and after much sould searching and scripture reading my mother has remarried. And now at the age of 62 I am finnaly seing her truly happy for the first time. I guess if I have any advice to give to both you AND I, it would be to try to get counseling (or continue to receive counseling). In the church, outside of the church, anywhere you can. Do be careful in selecting counselors though as many have admitted they see there main role in counseling struggling couples of that of facilitator in helping a peaceful breakup rather than one in healing the relationship. But more to the point. If it becomes apparent that the children are aware of and being affected by the relationship then we may want to consider seperating from our spouses. You and I may not be able to reconcile divorce with our religion but IF it comes to it, wouldn't it still be better to seperate from him FOR the childrens sake and remain celibate that to remain with him, hurting your children, yourself, AND still being celibate? You are in my thoughts and prayers. Enterprise - Please understand I am not trying to make any implications about wether you are or aren't a Christian or if that it matters one way or the other. By the way love your handle, I'm a big Sci-Fi "Geek" myself. :nerd:Currently reading the new (2002ish) Dune series written by Frank's son. And Tivo nearly all the sci-fi shows out right now.

Uhgghhhh!!!!

Argon / Nume - I posted a PM to Puddin just the other day saying I was thinking of starting a new thread myself to discuss the "sexual" problems I think many of us are having. For some like Puddin' & I it's the urges to do things we feel are wrong for us. For Nume & Lepez it appears to be the lack thereof. They seem to be opposite ends of the spectrum but I suspect they are a lot closer in reality. I've really wanted to talk to someone about the problems I'm starting to have but have been too afraid to post online for fear my husband might somehow find the threads. And don't have anyone else around I can talk to about it considering my own christian background. Not that all my friends are christians but even they have placed me in a certain role that they expect me to conform to. But things are getting bad enough I feel I really need to talk to someone even at the risk of my husband finding it. I will try to start a new thread and post a reference to it on this thread. Probably sometime next week. If anyone else wants to start one sooner please post a reference to it here so I can find it. I actually searched for nearly an hour earlier this week to see if I could find one already started on Lapbandtalk and even though I found several mentions of sexual addictions and other problems like here they were always on fairly non-related threads. PS - Puddin - Good going you do sound like you are starting to feel some hope. Speaking as someone who went through this once before in my 20's, once you are able get to the other side, try not to let it drag you down for life. After all once God has forgiven you that is it, and to continue to beat yourself up about it would only be doubting his grace.

Robyn, :rain:I am SO SORRY for you! Your band journey has been way too hard. How many complications can one person be expected to handle?!!! :noidea:I don't have any wonderful platitudes or advice to help get you through this. I've not had to overcome the struggles you've had. I'm not saying I feel I've had it easy. I constantly feel like I'm battling depression, food, the band, people around me, etc, etc. But I can't pretend to understand what you are going through. Though I can say if it weren't for my band still functioning on some level in my current state of mind I would have easily gained as much or more weight as you have. :hug:You are in my thoughts and prayers. :pray: I am so glad you posted. I've missed you. :peep:Try to keep in touch more if you can. I know its hard to maintain contact with people when you are down but I don't want to be just a fair weathered friend who only supports you when you are already up. Feel free to PM me or call anytime :phone:913-710-3390 :beer:How about a few of us "old-timers" getting together for a drink soon?

Diane, I see that this thread has been cold for months now but had to post in case you were still lurking out there. My name is also Diane and I was banded in 9/05. Your posts read like they could have been written by me. Right around a year after being banded I hit a "plateau" and haven't lost more than 5 pounds in the last 8 months. Emotionally, I just can't seem to get back into the groove. I am very happy that I seem to be able to maintain the weight I've lost but I am still so upset with myself for not being able to kick my @$$ back into gear and lose these last 20+/- pounds. Have you stayed on track? Have you reached your goal? Did the "spa" reward do the trick? I've tried using motivational tools such as setting up an evaluation appointment with a Plastic Surgeon 2 weeks in advance and trying to dig in and lose weight for the appt. I did take off the same 2-3 pounds that had been coming and going for the last month but no new pounds. I have also started walking once a week with some banded friends here locally but realize an hour once a week is just a baby step. I need to do more in the way of exercise but am still allowing the demands of my 3 year old and 40 year old "child" as well as finances get in the way of joining a gym. And on the food front my problem seems to be that I've become totally bored with food. I don't want to think about it or work for it. I just want it to be there when I need it. And since nothing seems to taste good anymore I've been gravitating towards fast & unhealthy choices such as KFC mashed potatoes, chocolate milk and ice cream even though those foods don't even taste very good to me either.

Glad to hear from you. Again, I know you said it was fine but I want to personally apologize for you if I overstepped in any way by calling them. You know after your "dissaperance" on Lapband I had a talk with my DH about how if something were to happen to me that I would want him to have someone post a notice on lapband and a few other journal sites I'm active in as well as sending out an e-mail to my internet address book. Enough of the morbid talk. I'm just glad your back. I love your before pics. I've shown them to my sister in law and neighbor gal. Saying that minus the tats it could be a pic of me. It's less embarrassing to show them you and make the comparison than offer to strip down for them if you know what I mean.:faint2: But I'm really looking forward to an update as your after shots look way too painfull. (not painfull enough to scare me of PS though) It gives me hope that the doc will say I don't need to lose much if anymore before scheduling my own surgery. I'm 37, 5'2" and currently down to around 167-172 depending on the morning and just bought my first size 10 jeans yesterday. Albeit tight, though less tight than the 24's I could barely squeeze in pre-band.

OK guys I made the "stalker" call. I contacted her Plastic Surgeon's office. (It took the least effort on my part since she had posted their phone number before) I apologized profusely to the gal that answered the phone for possibly making an inappropriate call but told her I was just worried that something had happened. For all we knew she could have had a car accident or something. Well, the gal said she knew who I was talking about and that she had just come in to the office in the last day. I didn't ask for any more specifics than that but she did say that she would relay to Spydr that we were concerned about her out here in LapBand"Land". OFF TOPIC - Or maybe more on topic for this board. I have an appointment with a PS tomorrow for an initial consult. Please keep me in your thoughts. Though the bigger battle may be with my husband over whether our budget can handle this next step.

I just heard on NPR radio this morning that Walt Bodine's show today is going to be discussing the "reasons and risks behind surgical weight loss". I hope they give the lapband procedure more than just a mention. I'm at work but am planning on trying to listen to live via the internet and either call or e-mail in. Walt Bodine's show is based out of Kansas City but can be listened to live over the internet from anywhere at KCUR.org. For anyone that can't listen live. Walts shows are also available to listen to free online 1-2 days after it airs at the same website.