phoenixillume

Ever since I could remember food has been a new experience for me every single time. The earliest memories of my multicultural background I was able to taste different parts of the world and travel to the places I have yet to step foot in because I never truly lived for myself. 
As a child who suffered a lot of different forms of abuse I turned to food. The warmth and filling feeling I would receive from the food made me not feel alone. I come from an Irish/Colombian family. I lived in both separately and had to adapt differently in both places. I grew up using food as a crutch. I did not know how to handle my emotions because when you grow up in an Irish household it's basically sweeping feelings under the rug. I am not saying they were negligent at all. They just did not have the proper tools to deal with the mental health issues I had going on.
Fastforward to my teenage years my weight definitely ballooned. I don't have exact numbers however I recall it was always a problem at the pediatricians office. I then was diagnosed with not only mental health issues but also hypothyroidism. I was 14 with purple stretch marks all on my stomach and back. I was put on medication and I just kept gaining.
Adulthood was interesting. I leaned towards being big is beautiful as a way to mask the pain I truly felt on the inside. For MANY years my relationships wouldn't work and it somehow would lead back to my weight. It was always I need to workout, diet, pay attention to my calorie intake. And honestly, I'm not agreeing with the men I've dated. They knew what they signed up for when they entered the relationship with me. I was already 200+ lbs. I assume they believed I would eventually just lose the weight. I do understand the importance of maintaining a healthy weight. But, I wasn't mentally prepared to even think about my weight. It's so funny because I say I never wanted to think about my weight but honestly that was all I thought of. I could always notice the stares from women when I went out with a man and all the men I dated were pretty attractive. My mind immediately thought they were thinking "What is he doing with her?"  It really had put such a strain on my self-esteem. Sitting in subways and taking up the next seat less then half way. 
My highest weight was 300 lbs at 5'4. I started overeating. Anything salty, sweet, fried. Definitely was the bane of my existence. I decided around the age of 26 I couldn't do it anymore. My goal was created for all the wrong reasons. I entered a situationship with a man who was in body building and he was quite handsome. Honestly, he was more than kind and respectful to me but I wanted more. He didn't. He never said it was about my weight but guess what? My mind thought that anyway. So, because of the rejection. I lived in the gym. I went on a diet which was counting calories and I went from 300 lbs. to 209 lbs. I was extremely proud of myself. AND TO BE HONEST I still am. I grew to love being active. But everything began to spiral downward when I couldn't break 209 and my weight stalled. I allowed myself to fall victim to eating unhealthy again.
I met my current partner and father of my child at 209 lbs. I'll just say this, I'm not happy. But I'm so happy I had my daughter. Our relationship did not start out traditional. I ended up moving in and his eagerness for me to go to the gym and eat healthy was a reminder of my past relationships. His infidelity was a problem in and of itself. Financial issues was also another issue.  I felt he should not ask me to lose weight if he was stepping out in the first place. I had gotten pregnant and that's when the overeating came into play again. I was a depressed and overeating pregnant woman. I gained 50+ lbs. over the duration of my pregnancy. His disdain to me grew as much I grew in size. We would be out on the train and i would sit down in the seat and he would mention how big my arms were in a text. I was pregnant. I would sit there and cry in public. It was a silent cry but I could not hold it in. I loved him. He helped me bring life into this world. Regardless of his shortcomings I loved him. All the texts of how much weight I need to lose is a haunting reminder of what I want to avoid. My partner and I are still together however a lot has changed within me.
 
In November of 2021 I became interested in weight loss surgery. I weighed around 250 lbs. at the time. I went through all the steps and as of now I am about 3 weeks post op. My weight currently is 239. But this journey has made me look at things so differently and it hasn't only been with food. I am going to free myself from the emotional abuse. My abuse with food and my partners, family, unhealthy friendships.