PSJ71

What's my story?  Why does it seem like it is so hard to start writing about yourself?  I should start with why I am here.  I am here because like everyone here, I have an addiction with food.  I was a chubby little girl after the age of 5, fat teenager and an even fatter adult! I have managed to lose and gain who knows how much weight.  The straw for me is the fact after my son was born in 2001, I found myself somehow weighing 280 pounds! This was the highest I have EVER been in my entire life.  I joined WW in 2006 and lost 17 pounds in 5 weeks.  My mother was put into the hospital with a severe exacerbation of COPD and was in the hospital (ICU) for 3 months.  I stayed with her almost the entire time.  I would go to work and have my husband drop me off at 11 or 12 at night after work.  So, with all of that stress I ended up quitting Weight Watchers.  So, I watched myself gain back 12 pounds of the weight I lost.  So, in 2008, I decided to give Weight Watcher's another try.  Again, I ended up losing my 12 pounds and fell off the wagon again! I am so tired of bouncing back and forth in weight.  I am tired of being hungry when I am on diets, and I am more tired of the fact that I have absolutely NO self-esteem! My husband and I have a 7-year-old son who has had to miss out on certain things, because he has a mom who is ashamed of herself and who is physically tired.  I found out during all of the testing that I have sleep apnea.  I now have a CPAP, but getting used to that is something else.  I want to experience "life." To be uninhibited and fun.  When I lost weight before I got pregnant with my son in 2000, I had so much confidence.  I didn't constantly think about making a fool of myself or if we went to an amusement park, I didn't obsess to the point I almost made myself sick about whether or not I would be able to fit in the seats in the rides or worry about what people would think.  I am not the person I could be if I were thinner.  My husband deserves a wife who is fun, outgoing and loves to play around.  My son deserves a mom who wants to socialize with his friends' mothers and go to his school parties and functions and go swimming with him.  I deserve to feel good about myself and my accomplishments instead of just lumbering through life just to get through to the next day.  My goodness life is short enough without having such worry and shame weigh oneself down.  I decided to make my change last year in July.  I started researching and went to two seminars, each by different doctors.  I decided which doctor I liked and went with it.  Now, here it is in June 2009 and I am 10 days away from my dream.  My only regret is I couldn't share this with my mother, as she passed away August 2, 2008.  I know she would have been proud and I know she would have been so excited.  She has always worried about my weight.  My father knows about my surgery, but it's not the same.  I am not as close to my dad as I was to my mom.  We were like best friends.  I miss her so much.   I look forward to this huge step into another aspect of my life in which I know I will grow out of the experience and be able to actually give of myself to the people I love and care about the most.