Mckennajaims

I have been going through a rough time mentally and have lost too much weight from my sleeve and started restricting my diet so I don't stretch my stomach. Starting to get help to overcome this. My boyfriend has been a saint and helps me because I have been at my lowest. He has issues too. He is only 24, I am 29. And has already had his 2nd open heart surgery. SO he is dealing with a lot too. I am trying to recenter myself and find a happy balance, but I just can't switch to happy overnight and be like yup all fixed! He told me today it feels like he has lost me and that I don't want him around. Which is not true. Just I am someone who needs me time too especially through this emotional rollercoaster. I try to practice mindful eating because my hunger and fullness signals are VERY similar and I am trying to decipher which is which and after dinner he comes up and grabs me around the waste and like throws my stomach around. Or at night time he wants to lay ontop of me. Which was ok before for a little bit, but I now weigh 114lbs and he is 285lbs. I feel crushed and it hurts and he gets mad saying I feel like I am going to hurt you and you don't want me touching you. It isn't that at all! I am just fragile right now and trying to get better and I do not want to lose him. We live together and talk about kids and marriage and I feel like I am ruining everything I have ever dreamed of. A little backstory, I used to weigh my food the 1st year and a half outta surgery on a food scale at 4oz. I was happy and enjoyed a lot of foods. Then My providers said NO not 4oz of weight WE MEAN VOLUME! What I can fit into a measuring cup. I had an endoscopy to make sure I didn't stretch my stomach and they said I was good. But if I kept doing what I was doing it would eventually stretch. I got SCARED and restricted my self to 1/3cup volume to ensure I never would overeat. Well then I started mourning food and felt deprived. It is so hard to find food to mush into a measuring cup! Eventually I got full off my 1/3c or what I think fullness is?? And eventually couldn't even finish that. Meat no longer sits well with me and neither does eggs or dairy. I had Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy August 6th 2019. My HW was 352lbs and now I am 114lbs. Now my providers say don't weigh or measure anything at all just go by how I am "Feeling" and that is hard for me! I eat 3 meals a day with a protien shake in between. I am so messed up about eating and where I will be in 3 - 10 years because medical journals say that ultimately the sleeve is a failed procedure in the long run and that terrifies me. Multiple published medical journals, sites my surgeon belongs to, say most gain their weight and stretch their stomach back 3-10 and gain anywhere to 20 - 80 - too ALL OF THEIR WEIGHT BACK. SO here I am freaking out and could possibly lose the love of my life, but everyone just expects me to turn around and be happy and not worry and say so ya gain a few pounds, go ahead you can overeat this one time..it wont hurt you! No, but those habits will!
Tat is my long rant.. I am so sorry...