Ginny926

:Angel_anim: So we all go about this journey hoping that it will change our life dramatically and so it has. Unfortunately, my past demons have come to haunt me and reality has set in and I am scared because the security I had with the band will be gone. Yet, I can no longer afford to play Russian Roullete. My band placed on 10-09-06 a day which I thought would change my "fat girl" image. I was honest about being a BULIMIC. I stopped 6-9 months prior to surgery. Whether or not the therapist made that known to my surgeon I have no clue, but she cleared me for surgery and I made a promise to myself that the THROWING would end. Well, I had some issues with the band and reflux and this and that andmy doctor didnt know what to do with me. So we unfilled my band in Feb of 07 and I learned to deal with the band as a tool, which I always knew it was, and the weight starting coming off. I was excited but I never deal with myself......... Life has been a rollecoaster for as long as can remember it doesnt really matter, but just the fact that it has is justification itself. i returned to Pinge and Burge ways in Late April/May and didnt consider it a big deal even though I knew what I was doing. I am nurse I use to work at the hospital where my surgeon performed these life altering miracles for people. And I still did this. I would go to see him and lie and pretend I was okay and didnt need a fill and that he did wonders for me. Who was I fooling..... Well, I came to a turning point in Feb. of 08 I needed help.....MENTAL help because I was heading down a road where life was more miserable as a thinner person than a fat person. I went to a therapist and realized why I became Bulimic 10 years ago, why eat the way I do. It took 2 months to admit to loved ones that I was bulimic. It took 3 months to admint to my Bariatric surgeon that I was Bulimic. My doctor is giving me the option to remove my band, because he feels that if I dont it could worse. I know it will get worse. Because I will always have a dual diagnose of Bulimia and Obesity. And after hearing all the things that can happen with the Lap Band and throwing I am scared, but I know inside I cant stop throwing even if it means saving my life.

Thanks Tommaney I dont Binge thank God I have learned to tame that behavior, Granted there are times when I feel we can never fill ourselves up enough with food because we are ineveitably hungry. Yes, I do get hungry and YES I feel guilty for that. I dont throw to be skinny I want to know this. Before years before I did throw to be skinny. This band has helped emmensly to see many things about myself, but it has become a danger to me, because of what I do to myself. No matter what I eat whether its BLD it comes up whether I have tried to keep it down or made it come up. So I am afraid if I work on stop purging, which I have been trying, with the interevention of surgery I am gonna do my harm then good. I am in the process of joining a bulimia support group. After I am done with this surgery I will probably be put into an intense intake Bulimia program for a week or two so I can learn to re eat with out a band. I am 25 and need to regain control and I am scared. Remember I am not here to BASH the BAND!

I would def. say that I am not settling for this behavior. I am having the band removed because it's not easy to stop throwing and it could be that one time that I do it that the band decides to POP and something serious happens. The road to recovery for Bulimia is going to be long and I dont plan on stopping my journey with recovery after the band is taken out. TRUST ME.......I plan on getting help but I dont know how long this will take and I am not willing to risk a band over ME, if that makes sense.