TheBeornMan

Hello All- i posted for the first time just about three years ago with some anxieties as a spouse with my wife prepping to undergo the gastric sleeve. I originally noted being concerned about our lifestyle changes, relationship impacts (I had heard all the horror stories) and most of all health concerns into the future. The community was incredibly supportive and I had learned tips and useful knowledge that helped me coach and support my wife through it. I am happy to say we are better than we ever have been and her self confidence is through the roof. However the MAIN reason the surgery ever was even considered was to get her diabetes that started while she was pregnant with our first child and got very concerning bad with our fourth has still stuck around and caused issues….. First- this is Life changing not just for the partner getting the surgery, but the spouse too. We used to be foodies and that all had to go out the door. Same with alcohol. Two bites and you are full, a pint and you are drunk. So activities, dates, etc. and new hobbies should all be prepared for well in advance. Luckily we are both athletes and coaches and this allowed to have an outlet that wasn’t our prior foodies and beer/ brewery culture pastime. Two- Relationship, anyone who tells you that this leads to automatic divorce/ break up is paranoid or lying. Out of her support group offered by our health network, I think only 1 or 2 of about fifteen women ended up separating and that was from the other spouse cheating. I have to say that in many ways, after four kids and all our activities, youth sports and coaching- it created a second honeymoon period for us and really strengthened our romance and relationship because we both focused on our health again jointly and the magnetism increased dramatically. Third- It might not fix the problem…. We did not jointly go into the surgery for cosmetic or weight loss reasons. It was the diabetes and the doctors said it was a solid shot to cure or mitigate the disease. It was for a while, but it keeps back up. despite healthy eating, despite exercise and coaching, despite the surgery- medications came back into the picture and so did the celebrity weight loss drug (which is really supposed to be for diabetes…) This has been keeping everything under control but is a case of the cure being as bad as the sickness. The side effects are brutal and definitely have a quality of life impact, but we both want to live to see grandkids someday….. Fourth- dysmorphia is VERY really. We are both naturally larger people. I was a lineman in high school and college and she was a softball catcher in high school and college and ended up also playing women’s rugby there as well. Even with the surgery she went from an XL to L but she got her college/ high school figure back and as such her confidence went through the roof and started dressing like she hadn’t in years. With the medication though??? Her figure, face shape, everything changed. Down to a Small or Medium. For almost a year and a half she hasn’t recognized herself in the mirror. It’s a double wham with the surgery and the medication. Between her best friends and myself (we have all been in the same friend/ team group since college) the support was to have fun with it and go with the flow. Instead of worrying about it (the dysmorphia) it was embrace the change. All new clothes she could never wear before, she’s been a redhead now and then blonde and still is. Cut her hair shorter, started wearing makeup (never really did)- all just to try and put a positive spin on it. I’ve been the spoiled recipient of having a brand new girl (don’t think I haven’t romanced and spoiled the you-know-what out of her), but at the end of the day it’s been mitigation of all the life changes. The last part has been the most detailed because it’s the most recent and to me has been the most impactful- NOT having the surgery do its intended purpose and the dysmorphia we’re both very difficult given the efforts and life changes made. We’ve done everything we can to make lemonade out of those lemons though. We had an anniversary vacation better than our honeymoon this past summer (she has always been way out of my league and these days it’s very much over the top- I feel incredibly spoiled) and we have made time to ride our bikes together with our oldest babysitting the kids and we come to each others games when we coach. I would tell any spouse; husband or wife of someone who is going to have the surgery and then or also do all the meds: 1. Support. It’s a huge deal and you need to show up. 2. Don’t get insecure about your relationship because of the surgery. If you are worried it means you might not have a great relationship to start with…. 3. You will need to change your life too. Because of my size and my weight lifting, I need a lot of protein and calories. I will never look like a Hollywood star (like she now does) and always an NFL lineman- BUT- if I bring a cannoli, pie or a full growler into the house in addition to steak/ salmon, etc it’s teasing and not fair. You will need to learn self control to support your spouse… 4. Inspire and come up with ideas for positive re-enforcement. If the dysmorphia or depression sets in, you need to find fun things to do, supportive steps to take and positive angles to keep things going. 5. If you are doing all this as a spouse, what about YOU??? Are you going to die a martyr? Take care of YOURSELF too. I go lifting 3 times a week, go fishing in season. And for my 40th birthday when she asked what I wanted?? I got us a long weekend on the Cape, bought her some dresses I wanted to see her in and sent her to get her hair, nails, toes, eyelashes, etc.. done. Said I wanted a long weekend with my movie star wife. It was a great time, kid free and continued to strengthen our marriage. Anyways- why am I writing this? Posterity? Self reflection? Not really…. I just want to give Spouses a roadmap. It’s a huge change and you need to navigate the waters well. If you do you will benefit as much as your loved one. Good luck.

So I think an update for everyone would be good and also for myself to memorialize this whole process. Since my original post, we’ve had ALOT of discussions about the surgery, what life will be like after, her concerns, my concerns... we were very communicative about it before, but are extremely so now. We made a Costco run to get everything for her first 6-8 weeks post surgery. Have ordered a slew of helpful items on Amazon and Target and really drilled down to the heart of certain issues. I’ve learned that for me, while this has just been about the existing ailments we are trying to treat; she has harbored concern about her weight and appearance more than I realized previously. She very much wants to go back to the person she was as far as her weight and appearance when we were dating/ engaged and just married. We took out old pictures and she pined for how she loved herself in one or two dresses or how she misses having slimmer face and a shorter haircut she feels she can’t do right now. I’ve brought up my straight-up fears about her deciding she’s outgrown me or wanting to start a new chapter in life. Ever the empirical thinking, I was assured that between our four children, her job as a physician, our marriage and that fact that we along with all of our friends are in the thick of this busy stage in life- 1) when would there be time to go out more than she and I already do, with friends, no less. And 2) why would she or we throw away what we have spent close to 20 years building together? We’ve done the math a number of times, if her projected weight loss meets the law of averages, she’d be at most 10-15 pounds less than when we first got together. Really hitting home the fact that she’s just returning to her former self and not becoming “a whole new person”. So while we were looking at pictures she asked me what I’d like to she her wear or do differently once she is at a major goal and comfortable to try different things out again. That led to lots of joking, affection and some foreshadowing of some of the benefits that will come along with this life change. I also brought up my concern about her changing or becoming a “different person”. She feels that the hormonal and emotional changes will be just like pregnancy and postpartum, which we have done 3 times. She actually said she WANTS to change and to be more confident, in love with herself and less depressed. I said that would all be amazing and noted more concerns about the stories of people becoming mean or too aggressive or just actually losing key personality traits as part of the process. Again, she pointed to how she thinks of our family and marriage and how she wants me to take her out and show her off. Reassured and lovingly noted again and again. I was told I was getting a little clingy, which I think I needed to hear and have dialed it down a bit since then. So, all in all. I think good progress and lots of revelations and open communication. We will only know things for sure in a few short weeks, but it seems that while I still have concerns/ fears, her constant affection and reassurances have really truly put me at ease.

Hello All- New Guy here. Confession: I am the spouse of the soon-to-be patient and recipient of a sleeve procedure. But we will be going through the upcoming changes together in 8 weeks time as she starts her process. I’ve been researching all the diet standards and recipes as chief house cook and trying to come to grasp with some of the upcoming permanent changes that will impact my wife/ best friend/ love of my life. Primary reason for undergoing the procedure is medical, due to both a sports injury in college and severe diabetes that got worse after each of our four children. She JUST qualified in the 36 BMI range with medical conditions and after tons of other attempts, her doc said this was a necessary last resort to avoid complications later in life. We’ve been married 14 years and together for just shy of 20! I would say our marriage is solid: we have been through times where we couldn’t rub two pennies together, a very difficult sickness and then death in the family, her 9 years of medical training and my “earning your stripes” years in my career and then most recently COVID and all the fears of having the wife/mom immediately at risk in one of the biggest hospitals in the city. We’ve always worked to take both time for family vacation as well as time away just for us with date nights or sometimes a big week away. Our marriage, intimacy and family, though right in the thick of crazy child-rearing (we have twins!), is probably in the best place it’s been in years. I guess this is where my real question starts: I fell down the internet rabbit hole about a week ago reading not about all the medical info and diet info, but about family and marriage impact. Personality changes, mood swings, emotional issues, depression, people acting like “a different person”, and the term “bariatric divorce”. My nights have now been basically sleepless. A year ago we were told we could lose our medical professional spouses to COVID and thankfully she never got sick. However, now I am petrified of losing her to bariatric surgery and her “new self”. She has very much assured me this would never be the case and worked to calm my nerves. Now, I am a numbers and research guy and much of the data out there says our relationship should be fine, statistically. We’ve been together for many years, there are not underlying toxic issues, and when we first started dating we were both very fit... Like I said, I think we are rock solid and I am committed 100% to doing this with her, including changing my diet and exercising more, as well. Sure, we’ve had challenges in the past, but nothing that has ever threatened our relationship and who hasn’t? We’ve always worked through everything together and come out the other side stronger (as best as I can tell). Still I am ashamed to admit I feel threatened, if not only for the many, many articles you can find online. She is primarily doing this so we can grow old together and get rid of her ailments and to be a more active individual with our busy kids. She joked and now I do too that she will look like she did when we first met and dated and that it will be a huge bonus just for me and she will love the way she looks again, even though it’s not the reason we are even doing this... That she’ll feel more confident also to dress more like the way she used to (prior to kids and wearing scrubs, she was pretty high maintenance- which I admittedly miss and she knows it). So, the endgame question is- has anyone experienced some of those threatening items about personality changes and shifts, life decisions out of nowhere and the like? I’m trying to do EVERYTHING right here and while I am a confident guy, my biggest fear in life is losing my wife or kids. She’s my best friend and I could never love anyone as much as I do her... I want her to get healthy, but for herself, she decided to do this and came to me with it and I initially went all in to support her. This could make our lives better and longer despite some of the permanent changes. And we actively are talking about “the benefits” regarding appearance and intimacy on a daily basis. So even though all of that is positive talk, and reassuring, I’m turning to the people with experience to ask- AM I JUST FREAKING MYSELF OUT??? thanks!

You make several great points. Truth is, I would NEVER want to hold her back from trying to better her health. In fact, for months, I have been a proponent of this route when it became clear it was our best option to get the issues managed to improve her quality of life and as I said in my OP- enjoy growing old together and hopefully having a great back 9 in life with one another even though we are still both 39. So that’s completely off the table. Same thing with change- we never go out to the same restaurant twice on a date (before COVID) or somewhere on vacation for that matter. I was completely open to relocating outside New England for her medical residency and fellowship even though we both have lived here our whole lives (we ended up staying put). I love when she changes up her hair to something new to keep things interesting- I ask her to actually when she wants to know what I think. And frankly, despite this being solely about health and quality of life (otherwise this procedure would have never crossed either of our minds) of course I’m excited to see how she’ll look and dress and all that after the weight loss, she’s my wife- I’m mad for her! When it comes to personality change, I guess that does worry me a bit. She’s already very assertive and strong willed, so from what I read in articles- that doesn’t really bother me, it’s one of the reasons I love her. We are both just really down to earth and humble people, I would hope THAT doesn’t change about her. We put our family and our marriage first- THAT I hope doesn’t change. It’s one of the reasons we got married in the first place- we share basic core beliefs. That said, I know people change. She changed quite a bit during and after all her medical training. I changed a lot after my younger sibling who I was close with got ill and passed away swiftly. But we loved each other through it all. I just hope that’s the same here. Am i a little threatened or intimidated? Well, I know she’s a catch, I’m not too shabby myself, but I know she is someone really special. So yes, I’m quite protective of her and our relationship. I guess the one thing that makes me feel better is the extra lengths she has been going to to be affectionate and reassuring right now knowing my concern. She’s incredibly nurturing and sweet. So like I said, when hormones and self image and such shift. I just pray that she is still my wife at the end of it all with all the qualities I’ve been listing.