keisha85

hi ajoneen

thank you for the support, I use to have a horse of my own, but had to sell him when i went to uni, so once i reach my goal and pay off my surgery, I am going to get one.

my surgeon wont do fills until atleast 8 weeks post op, so that is another 3 weeks, but i think it will probably be around the 12 week mark, cos i go and see my nurse on the 3rd october and they say speak to jill (dietician) and if there are behaviour changes that she can implement, then she will and if that doesnt work, then you go and have a fill.

how far are you opst op-did you have the anorexic thoughts?

i need somewhere to write, so thought i would come here. i feel rubbish tonight, had a really good weekend, but this week has been hard work and I am eating just for the sake of it. im not hungry apart from an hour before lunch, but when i actually get to eat, i am eating loads, without realising. i need to go back to strict controlled dieting, so im going to go on liquids for a week to tell myself what real hunger is and that im not wasting money when i can loose weight and ive proved i can, cos ive lost nearly 2.5 st in just over 5 weeks. which i know is really good, but i want it to come of faster, i dont want to be looking the same in a months time, i set myself a goal of being a size 16 by christmas. i am a size 18 now, but i want to get to that goal by the end of the month, not in 3 months time. im going to really push myself, and i will get there.

the thing is though, with my head telling me this, is there a possibility i am turning into havgn anorexic thoughts? i just feel so low today and yesterday. its rubbish, especially after the weekend i had, why cant i feel as happy as i did then, and not now??????? my clothes are hanging off me and so are my rings, and ive had to tighten my watch, so why is that not making me feel happy?

my ultimate goal is to hve a horse by the time i reach my goal weight, so ive been looking into livery yards near me and the types of horses that are for sale at the moment, but do i really want that now, or is just me haing second thoughts tonight?

lots of rhetorical questions, i just had to wrte tem all down. cos when im not feeling like this and i come to read what ive written here in a week or a months time, i will probably be in a better place in myself by then, and not feeling as rubbish as i do today.

ive got to think there are people in much worse situations then i am, and its not the be all and end all to be thin straight away, but i dont think that the thin thing is what is getting me down at the mo, think its just cos im so tired.

need to start fresh day tomorrow and forget about today, life is for the future, not the past, or something like that.

ive got a week to go before my operation, start my pre op diet 2moz. bought myself some skittles and chocalate as a last treat and i would of preferred a tomato and basil cupasoup, as i seem to have become obsessed with them!

im so impatient, am counting down the days, and just want it to be the day of the op, even though i know i will be nervous on the day. i did some aerobics for an hour last night, it was great fun and once i have postd this, i am going to go and do some more and try and not hurt my neck as i did hurt it last night.

hi cutiew, i have had a look around and there is not a doctor closer, but am going to ask the surgeon when i have my op if that is a possibility as he obvious has different contacts to me. but after speaking to the nurse in my pre op, she said the dietician would work something out for me that if i had to wait that length of time, then it should be ok.

Sarah

on sunday i realised that i had to pay all the outstanding ammount by this friday, so i paid it yesterday. whilst i was on the phone, i was asked if i had any questions. the one question i wanted answering was the normal time it takes from op to first fill, as on here it is so very varied. the lady who spoke to, said that the consultant performing the op does not like to see any one before 8 weeks and does atleast the first 3 fills under x ray conditions. this means that they have to be done at the hospital where i am going to have my op. which is atleast an hour and a half away from where i live. the problem is that the only xray fill appointments there are are on a monday night-everyone booked in for that evenig has to be there by 5pm. this is going to cause problems for me, as i teach and therefore cant take time off during term time. so i have worked out that the only times i can go (this is if they have room in that one slot) is in half terms etc, which would be 14 weeks after, 21 weeks after, 29 weeks and 36 weeks. im getting myself worried (i worry about stupid little things that i can not control) that i am not going to be able to have my fill done for ages, and therefore there is no point in having this done.

i have also been told that i have to see the nurse every 2 week, this is easier, as it is 30 minutes away from where i live. hopefully there will be eveninng or saturday appointments to see her, as surely there are people in the same situation as me-that work and are having this done?

im now not worried about the surgery, just about these appointments and getting to them.

Sarah

i spoke to my sister last night, as she was walking through a field of cattle (as you do), she is 18 weeks preganant and moaning that none of her clothes fit (she was a size 6-8). my father has always judged me, and therefore i realy do not want him to know and i really hope she does not tell him. however, once i had told her she promised again that she would not tell him , and even though i had not told her why i did not want him to know, she said she understood why i did not want him to know. this is a massive turn up for the books, because she always tell him everything. I am still wondering if she was the right person to pick, but she is 3/4's of the way through her nurse training and is the nearest family member to here, living an hour and a half away from both the hospital and where i live (in different directions).

she told me that as soon as she got home, she was going to go on the internet to find out all about the procedure, what it involves, the comlplications etc.

so i wonder what she will say once she has read all of that, i guess i will have to wait and see.

we have a work bbq and picnic today, as it is the last day of term, but i am practicing my pre-op diet, so i wonder what there will be for me to eat, my pre-op diet is not that strict, in comparison to others. but i would like ot stick to it, to see what the week, in three weeks time has to hold for me.

I am making a shopping list all the time of what i need and getting bits and pieces each week. did not think of needing a themonmeter. so will add that to my list.

Sarah

i had not even thought about these thoughts, i just was thinking about how i would look that would be different. but maybe, the way i behave in a pair of my jeans (that make me look thinner) will be the way i behave-by that i mean more confident with myself, and not afraid of all the judging that goes along with beign fat.

will have to think about this personality possible changes, because that is a bit scary!!

your the only person who is going to judge you, the dr is there to help you and by the sounds of it, you need to have your fill to ge tit started again. i was waiting in the drs office for my very first consult and there was a lady there who was in exactly the same position as you before her first fill and then she had one fill and now looks amazing, as for her it only took one. but whether it takes one or 0ne hundred and one, you will get there. ive only just started on this journey, but it seems like a long one and there will be walls in the way at points, there always is on journeys. you just have to find another way round.

SARAH

thought i would write on here, because i am rubbish at keeping normal diaries, i always put them somewhere and then can not figure out where i have put them!!

my journey started about 2 moonths ago, when i saw something on TV, can not remember what it was and i thought that looks like something i want to do. so i started reserching madly (once i get my head into doing something, i put my all into it) and went for a consult. that was just over 2 weeks ago. i was so nervous, not when i was nearly there, but when i was about an hour away.

i have no idea what i am going to be like on surgery day, if i was that nervous. i have my pre-op on the 17th july. (must double check that, because i have something planned ont eh 19th and keep getting the dates mixed up). and if that all goes ok, my op is booked for the 1st august.

the major issue i have got, is that i do not want to tell people, because my familly have always been on at me about what i eat, how much i exercise etc. as they are all thin, apart from my sister who is now compaining that she is 10.5 st, she is expecting a baby and is 17 weeks gone. i would love to be able to go to the extended family at christmas and them to be amazed at the new me and the changes that the band have helped me make. and that is why i am not telling anyone.

however, i have to find someone who is wiling to stay with me for the first 24hrs after i leave hospital and therefore i told my friend, who i have known since i was 11. told her it was a secret and therefore she wa snot allowed to tell anyone. and she said that she would try and get the fri (my op day) off work and drive down. however, she phoned me last night, to say she could not get the friday off as someone else at her work has already got that day off.

i am getting really worried about not being able to sort this situation out, without telling some of the people i really do not want to know. and with each passing day, i need to decide what to do and quickly.

:confused2::confused2: