RedGirl1976

So, last night as I soaked in the tub and smoked a joint (oh, that tends to happen quite often so if you're opposed to reading about bad habits and debauchery, you'll need to carry on), I pondered the workings and purpose of this blog. I'm not sure if a WLS forum is the best place for me to spill my emotional guts, but most of my dysfunction is related to being a fat girl. So, why not? Too bad there's that whole "it feels like anonymous venting" and "I'm really just a narcissist" paradox. But anyway, I digress. So, I am a fairly goal oriented person. I do better with deadlines. And, I know that the lifestyle changes involved in losing weight are forever, but I do better with discomfort when there's an end in sight. The other part of my bath tub ponderings included memories of many of my bubble baths. They're my time to think. My time to pray. My time to plan. To over analyze. To cry. To get high. To question myself. To challenge myself. To deep condition and clean my pores. I started thinking about how it's refreshing that my attitude and overall feelings on life have improved so much from just three months ago. Three months ago I had a bone crushing breakup. My heart turned to powder. I swore I'd never love again. And, with Adele's album 21 as a soundtrack! It was torture. And, I never thought I'd get over him. And so here I am. It's three months later. I've started dating again. And, I've had some really terrific dates. And, seem to suddenly have a few interesting prospects. We'll see.. Anyway, it only took me 3 months to grow back my heart. And, to get the kick in my step again. To get the hitch in my giddy up. So, where do I want to be in 3 months from now?! Let's see. It will be close to Halloween! My favorite holiday! What would happen if I committed to this silly blog for the next 3 months? And focused on my weight loss. And blogged about it. Where will I be in three months? Where CAN I be?! A lot can happen in 90 days, my friends. Where will YOU be? Let's find out, shall we!?

So, I'm not sure why I think that what I have to share and what I have to say is interesting enough for other people to read. However, I have a lot of thoughts and ideas zapping and snapping in my brain. Things I want to write down. Things I want to share. Things I want to write into a story or comedy skit. Things that make me go "hmmm...". Things that make me go "Doh!". Things that make me cry. But more importantly, things that make me laugh. And, I'm all about that. What else am I all about? I'm a 36 year old single woman. I was banded just over 3 years ago. I had a weight problem most of my life. I was always the funny fat girl, with the pretty face. I was dreamy and awkward in high school, wasting all of my young adult angst over an overly religious boy that I'm pretty sure turned out to be gay. College was a good time. Went to a tiny liberal arts college and then graduate school in the mid-west, where I met some of my closest friends. I grew even heavier after I graduated. I remember the scale tipping over 300lbs. Wow. NFL football players don't weigh that much! It was a pretty heavy (really!) time for me. I was 1,000 miles from home. My step dad was dying of cancer. It was a really sad time. And, fried cheese sticks and Taco Bell value meals served as my prime source of nutrition. I remember, it was the year the new Star Wars trilogy was coming out. Taco Bell had a $2.00 kids meal that came with nachos, a taco, a drink and a toy. Let's just say, I had the whole collection. Fast forward about 7 or 8 years, I was miserable. I was 32. I was 326lbs. I somehow managed to have a boyfriend at that time, though. That's a whole other story. But, he was heavy. I was heavy. In fact, one time we broke the couch in our hotel room. Imagine two line backers getting frisky on a vintage sofa...something is bound to give. ANYWAY...I made a decision in November 2008 to change my life. And, I did. I did change my life. For better and worse. I'm still sorting the rest out. Band-wise, I managed to lose about 75lbs. Mostly in my first year. Then, issues issues issues! 2nd year in was a roller coaster of tight, too tight, tight, too tight. Raging acid reflux and nausea. I remember spending entire weekends in bed, curled in the fetal position, totally unable to swallow my spit. Then, my band lapsed and included a surprise surgery. That was a year ago. And, here I am. Maintaining...but no weight loss. I am trying to find my place again. I'm trying to find that drive. That energy. That motivation that I need to become who I am on the inside. I'm the oldest, slowest caterpillar you'll ever find. But, I am getting more pretty as I age. Even through my self loathing, I can see that. My dating life is interesting. And, confusing. I think I'm learning and experiencing things at 36 that most women experience when they are 19 or 21. Talk about a late bloomer. So, my plan is to use this forum as a channel for me to offload my thoughts. To offload my brilliant ideas. To offload my pain. Or, whatever it is that is holding me down from soaring. Whether you choose to read this or not really won't make much difference, I suppose. It's really just my stream of consciousness. But, a follower or two might add to my accountability. Here we go! Let's do this. Again.. (yeah, yeah...I know..) All the best, Natasha