Addicted

I am using the display name "Addicted" because if I was in denial before about my food addiction, I am no longer. I am 2 weeks out from Bypass and have been very cocky. I have had no pain other than from the prerequisite gas.  I was the model patient post surgery, that is, until I got home. I stopped tracking my intake and almost immediately began to tinker with my diet. Bad enough but then came the night my husband picked up pizza, my fave. Not only did I grab a piece in spite of his, "Are you really going to eat that?", I ate another piece after he went to bed. Oh yes, I became overfull and had to tough it out. The next morning, I was in tears admitting that I had a problem. My husband listened knowing that this was a battle I had to fight on my own. I punished myself by drinking only liquids until late afternoon when I was very hungry. I picked at the toppings on the remaining pizza without even a smidge of guilt because I have had  times of sneak eating. Even though I suffer physically, that doesn't stop me from overfilling whether intentional or not. I won't go into my reasons for comfort eating because I am sure we all have a story but I will tell you that in high school, when at friend's houses, I would sneak food from their refrigerators. I was always hungry and their meals were not as satisfying as those I got at home. Because I am of small build, was never overweight and had somewhat neglectful parents, no one noticed that I was a food addict. I was extremely thin until age 30 so it didn't seem to matter what I ate. I could not gain weight no matter how hard I tried. My mother did say, "Someday you are going to regret the eating habits you are developing, just look at your Aunt Anita." It's too bad we have to learn the hard way that our parents had our best interests at heart. Honestly, I have an internal fear of being hungry. I saw a woman on "My 600 lb. life discover that she was in so much emotional pain that she decided that she would never be uncomfortable again, hence the 600+ lb. weight" A light went on for me.

So just for today, I will stick to the meal plan and begin to track my food and water. I will work to conquer my fear of being hungry. Having been surrounded by addiction most of my life, I have gained the tools to become successful though my journey to emotional health.