Jerseytammy

Reporting late, sorry sarge.........held steady not lose but no gain!!!!

Ok I am still having a lot of pain when I try and eat soild foods, but I did notice yesterday that I was eating too fast and not thinking about how much I was chewing. So I slowed down and started concentrating on every bite, it seem to be working until the phone at work started ringing and people started coming over to my desk wanting things and before I knew it I was in pain once more. I think I may be one of the lucky ones as far as Pbing and slimming goes, I have only pbed once since having my band and I was at home when it happened, thank god!!! I did miss that day of work tho, I just felt too bad to go in and to be honest I was a little scared too. I have also noticed it would be very easy to cheat the band...hmmmm maybe I shouldnt say it like that, maybe I should say what it really is, to cheat myself. Potatoe chips go down with no problem, so does cheetos and most cookies I have tried. Chicken and beef I have a hard time with tho, I think it is the chewing it up good enough that is the problem, I have to learn to take "baby sized bites". Some said to use a baby spoon but I just dont know about that one, maybe. Well back to work for now......

Ok I am still having a lot of pain when I try and eat soild foods, but I did notice yesterday that I was eating too fast and not thinking about how much I was chewing. So I slowed down and started concentrating on every bite, it seem to be working until the phone at work started ringing and people started coming over to my desk wanting things and before I knew it I was in pain once more. I think I may be one of the lucky ones as far as Pbing and slimming goes, I have only pbed once since having my band and I was at home when it happened, thank god!!! I did miss that day of work tho, I just felt too bad to go in and to be honest I was a little scared too. I have also noticed it would be very easy to cheat the band...hmmmm maybe I shouldnt say it like that, maybe I should say what it really is, to cheat myself. Potatoe chips go down with no problem, so does cheetos and most cookies I have tried. Chicken and beef I have a hard time with tho, I think it is the chewing it up good enough that is the problem, I have to learn to take "baby sized bites". Some said to use a baby spoon but I just dont know about that one, maybe. Well back to work for now......

Congrats Donna, and :omg: oh a full week of liquids!! Wow my doctor just tells me to "take it easy" the rest of the day after a fill. I am still having a lot of pain when I eat, I have got to get this "eat slowly, and chew chew chew" working better for me. I wonder if 9cc in a 100 cc is my sweet spot?:rolleyes

Hello my friends I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! Naster- I had my 3rd fill on Friday, I am now at 9cc in a 10cc band and girl everything I eat hurts. I am thankful I have not thrown up or pbed one time since Friday and I have managed to lose 4 lbs too. I spent years trainning myself not to throw-up so I am thinking this could work as an advantage maybe, or it could go the other way. This weekend I learned the only way I could any food down without being in so much pain was to take bites the size of an english pea, girl it took me 20 minutes to get a half of a rib down. I dont know if this is normal or not. I mean is this what being banded is all about? I havent had really any good restriction until now but how do I know if it is too much? Hang in there Nanster, we will get through this some how, you're in my prayers hun.

Reporting in Sarge.......lost 4 lbs this week. My fill level is 9 cc in a 10 cc band. Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day Weekend!

Ok I had my thrid fill on Friday, May 26th. Now I am told I have a 100 cc band and I already have 6 cc in it so Friday he added 3 more. I have 9 cc in a 10 cc band. He told me I am almost at max. I felt this lump in my throat but wasnt sure if it was the band being too tight or just knowing I only have one cc left to work with. I was banded on Feb 8 or no romantic valentines dinner for me, I will still on liquids then, then all of my fills are been right before a holiday or some kind. Even my 40th B-day. This last one right before Memorial Day, so no cook-outs for me. I am still fairly new to this whole banding experience but I dont think it is suppose to hurt everytime I try and eat. I mean it hurts bad too. I guess I will give it a couple of days and see what happens, if I cant eat by the end of the week I guess I will call my Doctor for a little unfill. My husband took me to see X-Men 3 over the weekend, I saw the first two and loved them both. This is something a normal person would go to and have a really great time but not me, I have trouble in crowds. I sit at home and put on all the make-up, I do the hair and then try to find something in my closet that doesnt make me look so fat, now theres a joke. I can leave the house feeling rather good about myself , (I dont owe I full size mirror), and it never fails, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window or have to walk by a full size mirror. It is all down hill from there. I have often wondered when I have looked at my own reflection over the years did I not see myself getting better? Did I not see I was lossing my chin and cheek bones? I have always been heavy so I am not sure if I have ever seen me, or if this is the real me and I am not meant to be Skinny Tammy, wait skinny is wrong, normal size tammy is probably better. This brings to my mind...My uncle once told me........."hell dont worry about your weight tammy, they fuss if your too fat and they fuss if you're too skinny, its a no win situation". I wonder how true that is, I know for my family it holds a lot of truths. Right before we went to the movies we went to our favorite little rib place, but instead me us ordering for two, we ordered for one and shared. I was able to get a half of a rib down and two bites of a baked potatoe in about 20 minutes. Now unless I plan on drinking all my protein there is no way I was be able to get 80 grams of protein a day. So after that we head out to the movies, we arrive 20 early, cause I have this thing about crawling over people who are already seated. Oh low and behold the seats that I always like to sit in , ya know the ones right up front, the ones that seprate the back from the front, there are only 5 seats were already taken. So we went to the seats ahead of them, in the middle, per my husbands request. This was a big movie weekend so the threater was packed. People to the left of me and people to the right. Now all I can do is sit there and think what if I have a heart attack, or what if I have to throw-up. I was totally miserable the entire time. At one point I even started to sweat and that makes it worse, ( one of the signs of a heart attack) my left arm was hurting ( another sign of a heart attack). I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I never have energy, I dont want to think, I dont want to feel. I really dont know what I am suppose to do any more.

Ok I had my thrid fill on Friday, May 26th. Now I am told I have a 100 cc band and I already have 6 cc in it so Friday he added 3 more. I have 9 cc in a 10 cc band. He told me I am almost at max. I felt this lump in my throat but wasnt sure if it was the band being too tight or just knowing I only have one cc left to work with. I was banded on Feb 8 or no romantic valentines dinner for me, I will still on liquids then, then all of my fills are been right before a holiday or some kind. Even my 40th B-day. This last one right before Memorial Day, so no cook-outs for me. I am still fairly new to this whole banding experience but I dont think it is suppose to hurt everytime I try and eat. I mean it hurts bad too. I guess I will give it a couple of days and see what happens, if I cant eat by the end of the week I guess I will call my Doctor for a little unfill. My husband took me to see X-Men 3 over the weekend, I saw the first two and loved them both. This is something a normal person would go to and have a really great time but not me, I have trouble in crowds. I sit at home and put on all the make-up, I do the hair and then try to find something in my closet that doesnt make me look so fat, now theres a joke. I can leave the house feeling rather good about myself , (I dont owe I full size mirror), and it never fails, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window or have to walk by a full size mirror. It is all down hill from there. I have often wondered when I have looked at my own reflection over the years did I not see myself getting better? Did I not see I was lossing my chin and cheek bones? I have always been heavy so I am not sure if I have ever seen me, or if this is the real me and I am not meant to be Skinny Tammy, wait skinny is wrong, normal size tammy is probably better. This brings to my mind...My uncle once told me........."hell dont worry about your weight tammy, they fuss if your too fat and they fuss if you're too skinny, its a no win situation". I wonder how true that is, I know for my family it holds a lot of truths. Right before we went to the movies we went to our favorite little rib place, but instead me us ordering for two, we ordered for one and shared. I was able to get a half of a rib down and two bites of a baked potatoe in about 20 minutes. Now unless I plan on drinking all my protein there is no way I was be able to get 80 grams of protein a day. So after that we head out to the movies, we arrive 20 early, cause I have this thing about crawling over people who are already seated. Oh low and behold the seats that I always like to sit in , ya know the ones right up front, the ones that seprate the back from the front, there are only 5 seats were already taken. So we went to the seats ahead of them, in the middle, per my husbands request. This was a big movie weekend so the threater was packed. People to the left of me and people to the right. Now all I can do is sit there and think what if I have a heart attack, or what if I have to throw-up. I was totally miserable the entire time. At one point I even started to sweat and that makes it worse, ( one of the signs of a heart attack) my left arm was hurting ( another sign of a heart attack). I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I never have energy, I dont want to think, I dont want to feel. I really dont know what I am suppose to do any more.

You all are a hoot, u make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO Stacey!!!!!!! CONGRATS GIRLY:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: Ok ya'll I am scared to death to eat, I just got my 3rd fill. I am 9 cc in a band that holds 10cc, OMG 9 not 8 not even 8.5 but 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: I have pbed once since being banded and now I am scared to put anything in my mouth, Look onderland cause I got a feeling I am on my way. Oh remember a few threads back I was complaining about having no restrictions, ughhhhh!!!! When and saw my PCP yesterday and he seems to think it is my horomones causing all the hair loss and ups and downs. He took some blood work and said to give me a week and we would talk again, cross your fingers!!! Oh you're all doing so wonderfully I wish you all a great Memorial day weekend!!!!!!!!!! And Pray that I can EAT!!!

Well when I started this journal I told myself that I would keep up with this, and just like all my diets I failed. So I have been doing some thinking, ok a lot of thinking, which isnt always a good thing for me. I am truly sick of thinking and trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Did I have a great childhood, no, but neither did a lot of other people and they didnt end up OB with panic attacks. So what makes me different or should I say weak? What makes me eat when i am not hungry and stuff myself when I am? Here I am at 40 years old and I still dont know who I am. When I started this journal I was asking myself this question and 3 months later I am still asking. So what now? I just dont know!

Well when I started this journal I told myself that I would keep up with this, and just like all my diets I failed. So I have been doing some thinking, ok a lot of thinking, which isnt always a good thing for me. I am truly sick of thinking and trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Did I have a great childhood, no, but neither did a lot of other people and they didnt end up OB with panic attacks. So what makes me different or should I say weak? What makes me eat when i am not hungry and stuff myself when I am? Here I am at 40 years old and I still dont know who I am. When I started this journal I was asking myself this question and 3 months later I am still asking. So what now? I just dont know!

Wow again I am amazed at how much love, understanding, and support you all always seem to give me. Really there are not words to describe the gratitude I have for all of you. I cry a lot on my way home, just me alone in my car. Sometimes thinking can be a very dangerous thing. I have tried to tell myself that crying is a form of praying when the words just won’t come, a cleansing if you will. But I have to face the fact I have some major issues in my life and being MB is just one more side effect. I have really been thinking about why I let myself get this big. Please allow me to share a story with you all…. My dad and mom divorced when I was very young, age 6 or 7. My dad remarried a couple of times, 2nd marriage was a joke (lasted less than a year) and he was married to his 3rd wife when he died. Now I have always been heavy but I remember this so clearly. We were going school shopping, I was going into the 7th grade. I wore a size 16 even then. Now I am 5’2” now so I am not sure how tall I was then but I was always one of the shortest in my class. Any way I took the size 16 jeans into the dressing room with me and stood there in horror that they wouldn’t button. My dad asked me to step out so he and my step-mother could take a look. I had to tell him I couldn’t get them to button, I was so embarrassed. So dad brought me a size 18. Now they were so long and if we had cut them off they would have been bell-bottom and bell-bottoms were in style then. So to make a long story short my dad bought me a bag of m&ms instead of clothes that day. Now he didn’t buy me a regular size bag, I got a king size bag. I was 11 years old when this happened and 40 now and I can still remember what that store looked like, what the jeans looked like and I still feel that same embarrassment to this day. Julie- Congrats on your first fill! Yeah mine too is no pain but just a funny feeling. I totally understood what you were trying to tell me, thank you! Mikey- thank you for the laugh, I needed that. Your words and wisdom speak volume. I can’t tell you how many times I have been eating (usually some kind of junk food) when all of a sudden I realize I have eaten ¾ of a candy before I actually realized I was even eating. Or start on a bag of potatoe-chips and eat the entire bag without ever giving it a second thought. Thank you so much for all your kind words, the laughter and support, it is good to see you here again! Janet- How come I feel as if you have known me for years? It took me several tries before I could actually get through your entire post. It’s nice to know that maybe I am not that weird or strange, not that I would ever wish this one any one, but knowing that I am not along in my fears and feelings was a great help. I know I have a lot of issues to work through in my life and this isn’t going to be easy. I did read your post from the link that you provided, what a wonderful and moving story. I don’t know why I was deal the life I got but I do have to remember that God is in control and he has a plan for me. Your post really made me think, cry, pray, and smile but most of all your post made me realize that I am never alone and am worthy of getting help, thank you! Donna- My first panic attack happened when I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. I have been to the ER so many times that the nurses and doctors knew me by name. There were weeks at a time that I refused to leave my house. I couldn’t take a bath unless someone was in the house with me; cause “what if” I had a heart attack while in the water, if the attack didn’t kill me I would drown. I have been at every end of the panic scale and it is living hell. I was hoping that all my fears would acts as strengths during my banding and for a while it was. I have been banded since Feb 8 and have pbed only once. Now I don’t know if I told y’all this when I described my pb, but was scared to death the entire time that I was having a heart attack. I mean the two are very close in symptoms. Maybe this is why all these feeling and fears have seem to creep up on me again. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in the battle again fear and panic. Have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

I am only going to say........I am not giving up!