Jerseytammy

Sounds great, count me in too!!!

March 13 Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight. I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n sour chicken , no rice but broccoli. I havent done rice since having my band due to fear. I wished I could say that about carbs and chocolate too. Fear is a powerful emotion, it can make a grown man cry and a fat woman give up pork fried rice. A list of some things I fear.... Not living to see my girls grown and with kids of their own Never being healthy again Always having to use a wheelchair to go to the grocery store or mall Resturant booths Flying because of the small seats looking into a mirror loosing my hair loosing my teeth sagging skin (not normal but the kind that requires surgery) heart attacks strokes (lost my dad when he was 36 to a stoke, he wasnt heavy) crowded rooms small dressing rooms formal events OMG and the list could go on and on, so what does this say about me? Do I live in fear every day, of course I do, do I think about atleast one of these things every day, YES! So I sit and wonder am I over weight due to my fears or are my fears due to me being over weight. Worrying cant be good for a person like me, they say stress kills and man oh man do I feel stressed. Funny ya know what helps ease that stress, FOOD, and then afterwards I thinking about having that heart attack or having to go clothes shopping. Will this cycle ever end????

March 13 Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight. I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n sour chicken , no rice but broccoli. I havent done rice since having my band due to fear. I wished I could say that about carbs and chocolate too. Fear is a powerful emotion, it can make a grown man cry and a fat woman give up pork fried rice. A list of some things I fear.... Not living to see my girls grown and with kids of their own Never being healthy again Always having to use a wheelchair to go to the grocery store or mall Resturant booths Flying because of the small seats looking into a mirror loosing my hair loosing my teeth sagging skin (not normal but the kind that requires surgery) heart attacks strokes (lost my dad when he was 36 to a stoke, he wasnt heavy) crowded rooms small dressing rooms formal events OMG and the list could go on and on, so what does this say about me? Do I live in fear every day, of course I do, do I think about atleast one of these things every day, YES! So I sit and wonder am I over weight due to my fears or are my fears due to me being over weight. Worrying cant be good for a person like me, they say stress kills and man oh man do I feel stressed. Funny ya know what helps ease that stress, FOOD, and then afterwards I thinking about having that heart attack or having to go clothes shopping. Will this cycle ever end????

Ok I am at work and it is Monday, need I say more. I woke up with a headache that I have seem to have kept all weekend but then I turn my computer on at work and read all your replies to my last post. WOW, thank you all so much, I dont feel like such a failure now. I know that we are all in the same boat so to speak but sometimes you just feel so alone. I have been really weepy and am having horrid moods sings since my surgery. I thought it might be because it was my time of month but it has came and gone and I am still moody as crap!!! But I have to say a big THANK YOU to all that took the time to reply to my post. You have made my Monday not so Monday. I have my fill on the 24th, and I have to say I am in pre-surgery mode, "eat now cause in a week you wont be able to", now crazy is that, no wonder I picked up 10 lbs. Thanks for all your support, love ya guys!!

march 12 I tried to get on yesterday but kept getting an error message, not sure what was up with that. I am the dependable one, the one that people turn to in time of need, I am the solid one, the one that always has something positive to say, the one that always is there. Now if you have read my other entries you have to be either laughing or saying lady you must be crazy. But you see I have made a deal with myself, I will not lie here, if I am in a pissy mood, I am going to say it, and if I feel like bitching and moaning I am going to do it. In my every day life I am not who I am, hell I am not sure who I am. I am not sure I have ever known who I am. I went and had my hair cut and colored this weekend, a friends treat to me, I havent had to done professionally in about 5 years now. So I went to this very upscaled salon, the lady ask me to step into the changing room and put on this smock, oh my god!!! Who ever invented one size fits all had no idea there were women my size apparently. So there I sit in this room, there was no way this thing was fittin me and I couldnt help but think, she saw me and she had to know it wasnt going to fit. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up, put on a smile and said I wore an old shirt so it doesnt matter if anything gets on this old thing. It seem to work but come on everyone knew but what could I do. The stylist was very very sweet and tall, very slim and beautiful. She did a great job and my hubby loved my hair but I had to sit there and look at my ROUND face in the mirror and think how ugly I am. Ya know when your hair is in foil and you have this big ass cape round around you, you see nothing but how big ur face truly is. Here I am going to let my true feelings out, no sugar coating them here. People treat me like a second class citizen and I feel second class.

march 12 I tried to get on yesterday but kept getting an error message, not sure what was up with that. I am the dependable one, the one that people turn to in time of need, I am the solid one, the one that always has something positive to say, the one that always is there. Now if you have read my other entries you have to be either laughing or saying lady you must be crazy. But you see I have made a deal with myself, I will not lie here, if I am in a pissy mood, I am going to say it, and if I feel like bitching and moaning I am going to do it. In my every day life I am not who I am, hell I am not sure who I am. I am not sure I have ever known who I am. I went and had my hair cut and colored this weekend, a friends treat to me, I havent had to done professionally in about 5 years now. So I went to this very upscaled salon, the lady ask me to step into the changing room and put on this smock, oh my god!!! Who ever invented one size fits all had no idea there were women my size apparently. So there I sit in this room, there was no way this thing was fittin me and I couldnt help but think, she saw me and she had to know it wasnt going to fit. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up, put on a smile and said I wore an old shirt so it doesnt matter if anything gets on this old thing. It seem to work but come on everyone knew but what could I do. The stylist was very very sweet and tall, very slim and beautiful. She did a great job and my hubby loved my hair but I had to sit there and look at my ROUND face in the mirror and think how ugly I am. Ya know when your hair is in foil and you have this big ass cape round around you, you see nothing but how big ur face truly is. Here I am going to let my true feelings out, no sugar coating them here. People treat me like a second class citizen and I feel second class.

Well my fears were confirmed yesterday, I have gained 10 lbs since I have started back eating. I mean who was I fooling, I have been eating snickers, bites of carmel, dinner mints and anything else that tempted me. Did I think for one minute that the scales would lie to me, no, but I kinda hoped that since I only ate like 4 fun size bars instead of the one king size I would have normally had that some how it would be OK. I told myself on the way home in the car, this is it, I will start following the diet to a tee, I mean I went through major surgery to get here and look at what I am doing. I was sooooo ill and moody all day yesterday, I was mad and disappointed in myself. So this morning I get up and do a weight watchers english muffin with the heart healthy butter, and a cup of def coffee with splenda and benefiber. yeah I know, where is the the protein, sigh. Then I get to work and 2 hours later my stomach is growling. I am still very moody and ill but work was busy today so I was able to ignore the hungry, but then my feelings get hurt at work and what do I do, I go to McDonalds for lunch and have a double cheese burger and 4 piece chicken nuggets , nope no fries. What did I tell myself while I ate it, I am having my first fill on March the 24 and this might be last time I get to eat fast food for a while, what a damn joke!!!!!!!!! I am right back to my old habbits, my feelings were hurt and I dulled the pain with food. Is there any help out there for people like me? Some days I wish there was this magical pill I could take and never want to eat again, oh if ur reading this I am sure you have too or know someone who has. What makes us different from the normal size people out there, is it that we truly lack the will power to say no when enough is enough, or is it true that we have a disease and its not our fault. I smoked for year but quit cold turkey, why cant I just stop over eating, it sounds sooo simple. Put what you are suppose to eat on your plate and when it is gone you stop. It doesnt take a genius to figure that out, so why is it soo damn hard? I know I am not alone but I feel alone. Why do I write in this journal? Cause I hate someone that is wooo is me and I think that is what I have become, Poor little Tammy she cant stop eating, she cant lose weight, well stop freaking eating and you can! I pray months from now, I had orginally said years and deleted it, I look back at this journal and say "you did it, you went through hell and kept going, you didnt stop , and you didnt give-up. I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day and tomorrow you will stay to ur diet and things will get better, but will tomorrow ever come?

Well my fears were confirmed yesterday, I have gained 10 lbs since I have started back eating. I mean who was I fooling, I have been eating snickers, bites of carmel, dinner mints and anything else that tempted me. Did I think for one minute that the scales would lie to me, no, but I kinda hoped that since I only ate like 4 fun size bars instead of the one king size I would have normally had that some how it would be OK. I told myself on the way home in the car, this is it, I will start following the diet to a tee, I mean I went through major surgery to get here and look at what I am doing. I was sooooo ill and moody all day yesterday, I was mad and disappointed in myself. So this morning I get up and do a weight watchers english muffin with the heart healthy butter, and a cup of def coffee with splenda and benefiber. yeah I know, where is the the protein, sigh. Then I get to work and 2 hours later my stomach is growling. I am still very moody and ill but work was busy today so I was able to ignore the hungry, but then my feelings get hurt at work and what do I do, I go to McDonalds for lunch and have a double cheese burger and 4 piece chicken nuggets , nope no fries. What did I tell myself while I ate it, I am having my first fill on March the 24 and this might be last time I get to eat fast food for a while, what a damn joke!!!!!!!!! I am right back to my old habbits, my feelings were hurt and I dulled the pain with food. Is there any help out there for people like me? Some days I wish there was this magical pill I could take and never want to eat again, oh if ur reading this I am sure you have too or know someone who has. What makes us different from the normal size people out there, is it that we truly lack the will power to say no when enough is enough, or is it true that we have a disease and its not our fault. I smoked for year but quit cold turkey, why cant I just stop over eating, it sounds sooo simple. Put what you are suppose to eat on your plate and when it is gone you stop. It doesnt take a genius to figure that out, so why is it soo damn hard? I know I am not alone but I feel alone. Why do I write in this journal? Cause I hate someone that is wooo is me and I think that is what I have become, Poor little Tammy she cant stop eating, she cant lose weight, well stop freaking eating and you can! I pray months from now, I had orginally said years and deleted it, I look back at this journal and say "you did it, you went through hell and kept going, you didnt stop , and you didnt give-up. I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day and tomorrow you will stay to ur diet and things will get better, but will tomorrow ever come?

Ok if you have any doubts if you can eat bite size snickers and still lose weight I am here to tell ya NOOOOOOOOOO!! I went back to the doctor for my first visit since being able to eat regular food and I have gained 10 lbs back, I got sick to my stomach when I stepped on the scales. My doctor tried to assure me it was normal that right now I have no restriction but I have to be honest y'all, I feel like such a failure. I knew having my period and all the cravings of going along with it plus the not eating for 21 days would take its toll but 10 lbs? UGHHHHHHHH I know this is a long tourney and I will start to lose but this is a major blow! I have my first fill set up for the 24th at Chilton Hosiptal, and I have my support group on the 15. We go around the room and say how much weight we have lost and now I get to say I gained. SIGH. Oh and get this who calls the minute I walked into the door, my Mom, she was so excited, how much more have you lost Tammy? I could hear the disappointment in her voice, ok I have to stop cause I am starting to cry and I cant do this now at work.

Hi Sunta I am sorry that you are going through all this worrying, the not knowing is the worse I think. I wished I knew the name of the filter, I had the compresser hoses on the day of the surgery but went home with nothing. The filter can stay or be taken out, depending on the results of the ultrasound, but I find it interesting that more women arent getting the filter. Mu doctor explained to me then heavier you are the more likely to set up blood clots, so to me its a no brainer. Now there are risks with the filter also, the filter can move and become just like a clot, that is where I guess you have to have faith in your doctor, I bet I drove mine crazy caused I asked every question under the sun. The filter can get turned sideways too and then it has to stay, but just like with the WLS the risks were weighted and the filter won! You will be in my thoughts and prayers, please let me know how things turn out. I will try and get the name of that filter for you. Ok I am with you Michelle, with summer fast approaching being cold wouldnt be a bad thing, its just new to me....there have been days where I swear my feet are sooo cold that if I dumped my toes they would break off. Hey but what do they say, Cold feet warm heart?

I had a blood clot filter placed in my groin area the day before my surgery. My doctor, Dr Gritsus, requires it for anyone with a BMI over I think 54, dont hold me to that number but I was like 53. I am not sure the offical name of it but this is how it was described to me, it looks like an umbrella without any fabric, it is place in the low flow vein from the legs, it is place there to catch any blood clots that may form while in surgery. It was done at the hosiptal under local ant, and they had me in lala land so I didnt feel a thing. I did have one shot of blood thinner right before my surgery but none since then. He said this was a life saving tool should a blood clot form. The one I had done is temporary, I will have it removed in another couple of months after he does an ultrasound to make sure there are no clots at the sight, GOD forbid if there are the filter stays. But here is the interesting part, when it is removed the go into my neck and through my body to take it out, ewwwwwwwww I know but again he is putting me in lala land so I guess it will be OK. Here is the site of my doctor .. http://laparosurgery.com/index.shtml I do have to say he always errs on the side of caution, I am very pleased with him and his staff. Yes my hair is actually dry too, and my skin seems drier than normal. One other thing I have noticed too, as a big woman I was always hot, now I am always cold for some reason. Anyone else notice a difference in being hot or cold?

March 9 Ok I had to leave work yesterday due to that fact that I was so miserable from being constipacted. I know it had to piss my boss off because I have just came back after being out for 9 days due to a rough recovery after my surgery, so much for a raise anytime soon huh. Heck I am worried about being replaced if something else happens, like I dont have enough to worry about. I called the doctor and he had me give myself a fleet enima, oh that was lovely. Then he had me take 3 colace and buy some benefiber for everyday use for a while. I cant help but think, did I not see all these when I was doing my research on the band, or did I turn a blind eye to it? I didnt know about lapbandtalk.com when I was doing my research, and I wished I had. Here it seems that people talk about everything and that is what people need to hear that are thinking about doing this. You know how misery loves company well sometimes I believe that people sugar coat the band cause people want people in the same "group". Ok did that make sense, its like if your wearing a short dress to a party and you know other will be wearing long dresses you will try to have someone else wear a short dress too. Ok maybe I think too much. Did I take a Xanax last night, you bet I did. I was miserable most of the day, then the girls came home and needed attention that I was in mood to give them, and lets not even get into my husband being pissed cause I was at home, he is worried about me lossing my job too. Ya know everyone says you have to take care of yourself first then worry about a job, but who are we kidding, we live in the real world where good jobs are hard to come by and bills dont care if your sick or not. I do have a good job and they have been supportive of me so far , I just pray my luck holds out. Have I been watching what I eat, yeah I look at every bite right before it goes into my mouth. I think they call that the see food diet! My mom and family that knows about my surgery keep asking me "how much weight have you lost", oh my god, I think if someone never ask me that again I would be ok!!!!!!! I know they mean well and they are doing it out of love and excitment for me but to someone who just wants to forget about my weight it is a constant reminder. Funny I am sitting here eating Chex Mix while writing in my journal, my tummy was growling and this was the only thing in the vending machine that wasnt loaded with sugar. I had a weight watcher english muffin this morning with that healthy butter spread (the one that is suppose to be good for the heart) and a cup of def. coffee. I usually dont take lunch until 1 so when I do eat I am straving. Ok I must say this, I am SICK TO DEATH OF EVERYONE WATCHING EVERYTHING THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, if I had it to do over again no one, and I mean no one would know i had this done. Ok I know most of us had to see a shrink before having this surgery done, but I am not sure I am mentally prepared for all this. I know this is a magical cure , this is a "tool" to help me out but this tool doesnt talk and tell people to shut up. Ok that was harsh, maybe shut up isnt what I meant, I just think that people need to be more sentative to the situation. This is going to be a longgggggggggggggggg hard road and being asked about it everytime u see me doesnt help me any, it reminds me of the hard work I have to do. Say if you had a diease and you were going blind, would it be ok to ask that person everytime u see them " How well are you seeing today?", I think not, so why do people think it is ok to ask "how much weight have you lost?' or what are you eating and how much. heck maybe it is just my friends and family and no one else is experiencing this. I just pray for the day when my weight wont be all consuming for me.

March 9 Ok I had to leave work yesterday due to that fact that I was so miserable from being constipacted. I know it had to piss my boss off because I have just came back after being out for 9 days due to a rough recovery after my surgery, so much for a raise anytime soon huh. Heck I am worried about being replaced if something else happens, like I dont have enough to worry about. I called the doctor and he had me give myself a fleet enima, oh that was lovely. Then he had me take 3 colace and buy some benefiber for everyday use for a while. I cant help but think, did I not see all these when I was doing my research on the band, or did I turn a blind eye to it? I didnt know about lapbandtalk.com when I was doing my research, and I wished I had. Here it seems that people talk about everything and that is what people need to hear that are thinking about doing this. You know how misery loves company well sometimes I believe that people sugar coat the band cause people want people in the same "group". Ok did that make sense, its like if your wearing a short dress to a party and you know other will be wearing long dresses you will try to have someone else wear a short dress too. Ok maybe I think too much. Did I take a Xanax last night, you bet I did. I was miserable most of the day, then the girls came home and needed attention that I was in mood to give them, and lets not even get into my husband being pissed cause I was at home, he is worried about me lossing my job too. Ya know everyone says you have to take care of yourself first then worry about a job, but who are we kidding, we live in the real world where good jobs are hard to come by and bills dont care if your sick or not. I do have a good job and they have been supportive of me so far , I just pray my luck holds out. Have I been watching what I eat, yeah I look at every bite right before it goes into my mouth. I think they call that the see food diet! My mom and family that knows about my surgery keep asking me "how much weight have you lost", oh my god, I think if someone never ask me that again I would be ok!!!!!!! I know they mean well and they are doing it out of love and excitment for me but to someone who just wants to forget about my weight it is a constant reminder. Funny I am sitting here eating Chex Mix while writing in my journal, my tummy was growling and this was the only thing in the vending machine that wasnt loaded with sugar. I had a weight watcher english muffin this morning with that healthy butter spread (the one that is suppose to be good for the heart) and a cup of def. coffee. I usually dont take lunch until 1 so when I do eat I am straving. Ok I must say this, I am SICK TO DEATH OF EVERYONE WATCHING EVERYTHING THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, if I had it to do over again no one, and I mean no one would know i had this done. Ok I know most of us had to see a shrink before having this surgery done, but I am not sure I am mentally prepared for all this. I know this is a magical cure , this is a "tool" to help me out but this tool doesnt talk and tell people to shut up. Ok that was harsh, maybe shut up isnt what I meant, I just think that people need to be more sentative to the situation. This is going to be a longgggggggggggggggg hard road and being asked about it everytime u see me doesnt help me any, it reminds me of the hard work I have to do. Say if you had a diease and you were going blind, would it be ok to ask that person everytime u see them " How well are you seeing today?", I think not, so why do people think it is ok to ask "how much weight have you lost?' or what are you eating and how much. heck maybe it is just my friends and family and no one else is experiencing this. I just pray for the day when my weight wont be all consuming for me.

Good morning all. Ok I ended up going home yesterday from work due too my little problem. I called the doctor and he said I was dehydrated and that the constipation was normal at first. He had me due a fleet and then take three colace. He also recommend Benefiber everyday for a while. UGHHHH am I the only one who feels I am getting more than I bargined for? Congrats to all of you who are lossing so much weight, I think it is wonderful that this is working for you. Question did anyone else have to have a blood clot filter (because of a high BMI) before the surgery? My doctor said I was on "the cluff" but that he really recommended that I have it so I did. I just havent seen anyone else mention it here. I go back to the doctor today at 4:00 for my first appt. since I have started eating, everyone cross your fingers that I havent gained any weight back.

Ok I guess there is no way of saying this "lady like" but here goes.......Is anyone having trouble with constipation? I am telling you I am very worried now, it is liking tryin to have a baby. Heck I think it is worse sometimes, at least they give ya drugs in the hosiptal is you yell loud enough. I am at work so calling a doctor during working hours is hard due to no privatice but I need some relief tonight!!!!!!!! Any suggestion oh something that works fast? I wont go into details but something has to be done and done today! Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Today is Tuesday march 7, and sadly to say today seems to be no better than yesterday. Damn I hate to whine and that is what I feel like I am doing. I keep tryin to tell myself all these other people are doing it and they arent whinning, suck it up and do what you have to do. Last night I had spagetti for supper, how much ? I have no clue, I ate until I thought I should be full and then stopped only to go back an hour later and eat more. Am I going to lose weight this way , I seriously doubt it. My husband is a wonderful man but he got on my nevers last night so bad, he watches everything I eat and then says "slow down" between every bite. I am a big girl and I know what the doctor said so I didnt need him to be reminding me through every bite I took. Did I say anything to him, oh yeah and it wasnt pretty. Ya know I am sick of thinking about my weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is has been an issue my whole life, do normal size women think about their weight all the time? DO they worry about becoming like me? I am sitting here thinking is there every a day that goes by that I dont think about my weight? I honestly dont think so. Wow how sad that is. I mean something as simple as going out to eat with my family can become an ordeal to someone like me, I have been humiliated more than once because I couldn't fit into the booth, or the chairs were so close together that I couldnt get between two people sitting at the table, so I have become the drive-through Queen. WOW that was tough to even type. I guess that will be one of my NSVs, fittin in a booth comfortably. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH Today isnt a good day for me, I am feeling a bit over whelmed. This damn weight thing, the kids, my job, my husband, money, housework, laundry, the dog and lets not even start to mention my Mom and sister. I have noticed that I have started taking more Xanax. I was diagnosed with panic disorder years ago. After being misdiagnosed for years, but to make a very very long story short I am given xanax to take as need when they seem to be gettin out of control. For the last couple of days I have felt like I couldnt breath, so I have taken a nerve pill to help. God I just want one day to go by with me thinking about my weight. I just never see it happening. No matter what I am doing weight is always an issue for me. I am sick of it, so it looks like I would be doing everything in my power to take it off doesnt it. See I ask myself that question all the time, you're scared of a heart attack yeah you do no cardio exercises, you hate being fat yet you over eat, your dad died when you were 12 of a massive stroke (he was 36) and yet you skip days of your own blood pressure medicine. Do I secretly have a death wish? No I dont think I am sucidical (sp) but I just want the madness to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is Tuesday march 7, and sadly to say today seems to be no better than yesterday. Damn I hate to whine and that is what I feel like I am doing. I keep tryin to tell myself all these other people are doing it and they arent whinning, suck it up and do what you have to do. Last night I had spagetti for supper, how much ? I have no clue, I ate until I thought I should be full and then stopped only to go back an hour later and eat more. Am I going to lose weight this way , I seriously doubt it. My husband is a wonderful man but he got on my nevers last night so bad, he watches everything I eat and then says "slow down" between every bite. I am a big girl and I know what the doctor said so I didnt need him to be reminding me through every bite I took. Did I say anything to him, oh yeah and it wasnt pretty. Ya know I am sick of thinking about my weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is has been an issue my whole life, do normal size women think about their weight all the time? DO they worry about becoming like me? I am sitting here thinking is there every a day that goes by that I dont think about my weight? I honestly dont think so. Wow how sad that is. I mean something as simple as going out to eat with my family can become an ordeal to someone like me, I have been humiliated more than once because I couldn't fit into the booth, or the chairs were so close together that I couldnt get between two people sitting at the table, so I have become the drive-through Queen. WOW that was tough to even type. I guess that will be one of my NSVs, fittin in a booth comfortably. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH Today isnt a good day for me, I am feeling a bit over whelmed. This damn weight thing, the kids, my job, my husband, money, housework, laundry, the dog and lets not even start to mention my Mom and sister. I have noticed that I have started taking more Xanax. I was diagnosed with panic disorder years ago. After being misdiagnosed for years, but to make a very very long story short I am given xanax to take as need when they seem to be gettin out of control. For the last couple of days I have felt like I couldnt breath, so I have taken a nerve pill to help. God I just want one day to go by with me thinking about my weight. I just never see it happening. No matter what I am doing weight is always an issue for me. I am sick of it, so it looks like I would be doing everything in my power to take it off doesnt it. See I ask myself that question all the time, you're scared of a heart attack yeah you do no cardio exercises, you hate being fat yet you over eat, your dad died when you were 12 of a massive stroke (he was 36) and yet you skip days of your own blood pressure medicine. Do I secretly have a death wish? No I dont think I am sucidical (sp) but I just want the madness to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok it is March the 6th and I am just now starting my journal. I know I was told to start right away but I am lazy. Wow, I am sitting here thinking that is an ugly word, one associated with fat, large, heavy, full-figured or big, which ever is more politically correct today. Lazy? Maybe a little but try carry around 300 plus pounds around all day and see how much energy you have. Angry? Yeah maybe a little too, I did this to myself, I am the one that allowed myself to get this heavy, no one has ever forced feed me. Did I eat because I was hungry, sometimes, did I get because I was upset, happy, hurt, angry, depressed, or just palin bored, ALOT of times. Did I ever eat for enegry and to maintain good health, NEVER!!!!! Do I look back and blame my mother for not teaching me to eat right from the very beginning? No, I lost my dad due to a major stroke at the age of 12, my Mom raised my sister and I working in a textile mill sewing for years. She never remarried and did the best she knew how too. Going to the grocery store was sometimes the only joy we got, sweets and cookies are cheap compaired to tennis lessons, or cheerleading. She couldnt give us maybe what some of the other kids had but we always had a home cooked meal and cleaned clothes, Thanks Mom. But here I sit today at 39 (40 in April) M-Obese. I know all the right things to do, drink the water, watch what you eat, stay away from white sugars, white bread and pasta, exerise and the weight will come off. Do you know how many doctors have told me that? Do you know how many times I have a doctor blame every little thing that is wrong with me on my weight? I want to cry but here I sit at work and wonder, am I am failure? It is just I am not strong enough or lack the will power. Exercise? I have had to take a wheel chair to the mall and grocery store for over a year now, exercise? You might as well say fly to me right now. Ya want to know something funny, I wont fly on an airplane b/c of a couple of reasons, one if I am scared of flying and I think that I would have a heart attack on the plane and die, not the plane crashing... and the other is I am scared they will ask me to purchase two seats and that I will have to ask for a seat belt expender. Sad how I live my life. I am truly no longer living, just getting by day by day, hanging on by a thread. Ok I told myself that I would start tracking what I eat, (food journal), so here goes Breakfast this morning: Slimfast high protein bar 15 grams of protein. Ok and I am still hungry, I guess I have to just get use to being hungry, I am working on a bottle of water right now, but thoughts that there is a vending machine full of junk less that 50 feet away from me. Sometimes I wonder if I am even normal.:think

Ok it is March the 6th and I am just now starting my journal. I know I was told to start right away but I am lazy. Wow, I am sitting here thinking that is an ugly word, one associated with fat, large, heavy, full-figured or big, which ever is more politically correct today. Lazy? Maybe a little but try carry around 300 plus pounds around all day and see how much energy you have. Angry? Yeah maybe a little too, I did this to myself, I am the one that allowed myself to get this heavy, no one has ever forced feed me. Did I eat because I was hungry, sometimes, did I get because I was upset, happy, hurt, angry, depressed, or just palin bored, ALOT of times. Did I ever eat for enegry and to maintain good health, NEVER!!!!! Do I look back and blame my mother for not teaching me to eat right from the very beginning? No, I lost my dad due to a major stroke at the age of 12, my Mom raised my sister and I working in a textile mill sewing for years. She never remarried and did the best she knew how too. Going to the grocery store was sometimes the only joy we got, sweets and cookies are cheap compaired to tennis lessons, or cheerleading. She couldnt give us maybe what some of the other kids had but we always had a home cooked meal and cleaned clothes, Thanks Mom. But here I sit today at 39 (40 in April) M-Obese. I know all the right things to do, drink the water, watch what you eat, stay away from white sugars, white bread and pasta, exerise and the weight will come off. Do you know how many doctors have told me that? Do you know how many times I have a doctor blame every little thing that is wrong with me on my weight? I want to cry but here I sit at work and wonder, am I am failure? It is just I am not strong enough or lack the will power. Exercise? I have had to take a wheel chair to the mall and grocery store for over a year now, exercise? You might as well say fly to me right now. Ya want to know something funny, I wont fly on an airplane b/c of a couple of reasons, one if I am scared of flying and I think that I would have a heart attack on the plane and die, not the plane crashing... and the other is I am scared they will ask me to purchase two seats and that I will have to ask for a seat belt expender. Sad how I live my life. I am truly no longer living, just getting by day by day, hanging on by a thread. Ok I told myself that I would start tracking what I eat, (food journal), so here goes Breakfast this morning: Slimfast high protein bar 15 grams of protein. Ok and I am still hungry, I guess I have to just get use to being hungry, I am working on a bottle of water right now, but thoughts that there is a vending machine full of junk less that 50 feet away from me. Sometimes I wonder if I am even normal.:think

Good morning all Ok I have to ask, when its your time of the month how are you handling it? When it is mine I cant seem to get enough to eat, I want to eat all day. Yes chocolate is right up there with the things I want to eat but I want good food too and lots of it. Any one else have this problem and if so how are you working through it? The guilt of eating all weekend is horrible!

Hello All My name is Tammy and I am currently living in New Jersey. I was borned and raised in South Carolina. Seven years ago I was out of work due to a back injury, divorced with 3 girls, over weight and depressed, then I met my husband. He had never been married, no kids, and a pro-golfer. I know he was God sent, we have been together for 7 years, he has taken my kids as his own, offering to legally adopt, he has seen me through major back surgery and depression. He still tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and he loves me several times a day. I was at my highest weight last November......308. Something I have choosen not to share with anyone until I joined lap-band talk. I was banded on Feb 8th in Valley Hosiptal. I lost 39 lbs in 2 weeks due to the fact I couldnt do the Protein shakes or broth. I did Water and Vitamins for 3 weeks. I had a hard recovery after the surgery. I did this so I could live, I want to see my girls married with kids of their own one day. And my husband tells me all the time he wants to grow old with me. My struggle isn't easy but nothing worth doing ever is!

I had left shoulder pain after my surgery also. When I saw my doctor he explained to me that while in surgery they work very close to the diaphram. He called what I had "deferred pain" from the diaphram. Every time I took a deep breath it felt as if someone was stabbing me with an ice pick in the shoulder. he explained to me there was nothing I could do to help it, I had tried gas-x, heating pad, rubbing, walking and letting hot water run over it in the shower. He gave me something for the pain and said it would have to run its course. To be honest it took about 2 and half weeks for it to completely end. This might be something worth looking into if all else fails. Good luck and feel better soon,

Congrats Heather..........you Did It Girl!!!!!!!

Dear Dancer, I am with you, I told my Mom but dared my husband to tell anyone. He doesnt even know my weight and I have told everyone on here. There are just somethings that women like to keep private and with me my weight issue is one of them. I mean you can look at me and tell I have a weight problem. It is easy for me to share here because I feel the people here arent here to judge. They have been my saving grace. Try to not feel guilty for wanting to keep something very private and personal private and personal. Good luck!

Good Morning all. I finally made it, day 21 after surgery so I can eat "soilds" now with my doc's blessings, I have to be honest I didnt think I would make it there for a while. Thank you all for all your kind words and prayers, you guys have been my saving grace. How I have a question.........Can we ever eat popcorn again? I know it is way too soon to be eating that questions but the family wants to go out this weekend to a movie and I was just wondering, is popcorn a casuality of band? For all of you having a hard time, take it from someone who knows, talk to your doctor and tell people how you are feeling, chances are your not alone! Have a great "FAT FREE TUESDAY" everyone!